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Chapter 15
I stood there looking at the man before me – he was familiar. I remembered him from the bar the night before.
Had it only been last night?
He was beautiful like Edward – not as beautiful as Edward – but still other-worldly and flawless in his features. His eyes were callous as they took me in. His southern voice was hard and sweet like rock candy.
And he was frightening.
I could feel Edward's arms around me, supporting me. My body was still cold from the outside and my legs were still weak from what had taken place in the woods. I shivered as I remembered the way he'd taken me there against the tree. I'd never done anything like that in my life, but then again, I'd never stood in a room with two vampires before either. And even in the midst of what was truly, a scary situation…I couldn't regret any of it.
I couldn't regret Edward.
It didn't matter what he was.
And I realized – standing there – it never had.
I leaned further into him; I could feel his grasp tighten. And for some reason, the protective way he held me made me feel like I would be okay. Like he wouldn't let anyone hurt me. And so, I spoke…
"You must be Jasper," I said as calmly as I could. I was surprised by the even tone of my voice. "I'd say it's nice to meet you, but we've already done that."
He chuckled darkly.
"So, you do remember me, Bella?" he asked.
"You stood out," I said honestly.
His eyes shifted to Edward's for a brief moment. It felt like he was silently saying something and then I remembered…Edward could read minds. He could hear thoughts. I wondered what Jasper was thinking…what he was saying. He looked back down at me and smiled before speaking, "And how do you know my name, Bella? I never told you my name."
"Alice…"
Alice.
Alice hadn't said his name to me, but Edward had. And I didn't think I should tell him that. My mind rushed with the thought of Alice alone with him. I thought of her voice on the phone – the way she sounded so sad and upset. And I needed to know what he had done to her. Had he hurt her in any way? Even though I knew he was like Edward…something told me that he wasn't like Edward at all. Alice was so sweet and so trusting…and my mind kept going back to her voice.
Quiet and hollow.
Sad and haunted.
Nothing like her at all.
"Alice spoke to you?" he asked, and for the first time, his voice faltered. "What did she say?"
Nothing.
She told me nothing.
But that was none of his fucking business.
"I don't think what she said to me is any of your business," I said.
Edward pulled me closer. I could feel his hand press against my stomach as his fingers tightly gripped the fabric of my shirt.
"Bella," he whispered. "Don't."
"Yes, Bella," Jasper said slowly…deliberately. "I think you should listen to him. You wouldn't want to upset me…further."
I heard Edward growl behind me. It was deep rumble and I could feel it against my back as it resonated in his chest. Jasper's eyes held mine and then his lips curved up into a smile…if you could call it that. I was more like a sneer.
And even though Edward was holding me, something about the look in his eyes really and truly scared me. I was scared…and I was with Edward. He had been with Alice alone. There had been no one there to protect her.
"What did you do to her?" I asked, without thinking.
And then it struck me that this was Edward's world. This was what he'd been talking about. Were these the kinds of people he was surrounded by?
"Believe me, Bella," he said calmly. Too calmly. "I did less to her than Edward has done to you. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I was far more careful with your friend's life that my friend has been with yours."
"Enough!" Edward yelled from behind me. I jumped in his arms, scared from the sound of his voice. He had never seemed so threatening. "That is enough, Jasper."
Jasper didn't back down. He squared his shoulders and he looked Edward in the eye. They weren't speaking and I knew that he was talking to him through his thoughts. I felt my body begin to tremble and Edward must have felt it, too.
His hands reached down, grabbed mine and brought them back up against my stomach. His posture remained rigid and guarded. And while it made me feel somewhat safe, it also alerted me to the possibility that Edward didn't entirely feel like I was. I watched as Jasper took notice. I saw his eyes narrow as Edward's fingers twined with mine.
And then he looked directly at me.
"Tell me, Bella," he said lowly, bitterly. "Did it feel good to fuck a vampire?"
I gasped at his words, but he continued.
"Was it thrilling to know that one wrong move…just the slightest loss of control could have killed you? Or didn't he tell you that?"
"I would never hurt her."
"I've never done it," Jasper continued. "I've never fucked a human. It's too dangerous. I'll bet you were hot…I'll bet you were scorching. I'll bet that you felt so good, there were moments he thought he wouldn't be able to control himself. Tell me…do you have bruises?"
Before I could understand what was happening, I was lifted in the air and placed behind Edward. The whole moment took less than a second. I wasn't even sure what had happened. I stood there dizzy, on shaking legs, my fingers fighting to grab onto him so I could steady myself.
"Get out," Edward growled. "Get the fuck out of my house!"
"She's a human, Edward," he said. "She's fucking human and you know what you've done."
"You don't know anything about her," Edward yelled. "You know nothing."
"I know enough," he said. "I know why you're here."
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Jasper!"
Their voices were so loud and I couldn't see clearly. I realized that I was crying – crying and shaking and not understanding anything. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. They were speaking – I knew they were – but I couldn't hear them. Not really. I was so lost inside my own mind, trying to get a grasp on what was actually taking place.
"You said she knew everything," Jasper continued. "Does she know what you've done? Does she know what will happen to her…what will happen to you?"
"I will take care of that," Edward said and I wondered what he meant by his statement.
"You would do that?" Jasper asked and I looked up at his words. He stood there, frozen, his eyes narrowed and his expression disbelieving. "Even after everything you went through? I don't believe you, Edward."
"This would be different," Edward said. "This…this is different. She is different."
"So different that you would risk her life…and yours?"
I couldn't understand what he was talking about. Edward had been so caring…so gentle. And he tried to tell me no. It was me. I was the one who pushed him last night. He tried to tell me that I deserved better than him. He thought he was a monster.
He wasn't a monster.
With the exception of waking up to find him in my room, I had never once been afraid of him. And maybe I should have been. But thinking back to the little time we'd spent together – been together – there was still no fear. I had never once thought that he would hurt me. I had never once felt anything other than passion and need and protection as he held me.
He fucking held me all night long while I cried in my sleep.
He made me feel safe enough to go to that place in my mind where I had always been too afraid to visit. Too consumed with my own grief to ever allow myself to heal. And while I was still broken, for the first time since I lost them, I felt like I had a reason to live. Not just exist – but fucking live!
And Edward did that.
He made me feel that.
Edward turned to me then, cupping my face in his hands as he looked into my eyes. His thumbs wiped my tears and the chill of his touch soothed my face. And for a moment, nothing else mattered. Everything else disappeared and it was just me and him….and I felt like I could breathe again. Like I was centered again.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I shouldn't have brought you here."
And my entire body froze at his words. Was he regretting this? Regretting me? I couldn't deal with that thought. Not after everything. Not after the way we'd made love…not after the connection we'd shared together.
And not fucking after he promised he'd never leave.
"Stop," I said. It came out much weaker than I wanted. "Don't do this. You told me you wouldn't leave."
My mind raced with the thought of him leaving. And it ripped against my chest and tore into my heart with a force I couldn't handle. I wouldn't survive it.
"I'm…" he started, but Jasper interrupted.
"Edward can't make that promise, Bella," he said. "The only thing Edward understands is running. He's been doing it for as long as I've known him."
As Jasper spoke, Edward's eyes held mine. And it was almost as if I could hear him speaking – hear his whispered words.
Never…
Never…
Never…
But that was just my own mind clinging to the promise he'd made.
The promise I still needed him to keep.
He bent down slowly and kissed my lips softly, whispering that he was sorry. It was just a moment and then he was gone – his touched pulled from me as if it was never really there.
Everything happened quickly then – too quickly. Before my eyes could register what was happening, Edward had Jasper pushed up against the wall. His hand was around his throat and I couldn't see his eyes, but I could see Jasper's. They were wide but not scared, defiant but not threatening.
"You will never talk to her about me again," Edward said, "or I will fucking kill you."
Nothing more was said as they stood there, unmoving. I could see the rigid set of Jasper's jaw and I wondered what he was thinking.
I wondered what Edward was thinking.
"You would do that?" Jasper finally said. "After everything I did for you? For what? For her?"
"Get out," Edward said, his voice tight and controlled. "Get out now."
Edward lowered his hands and stepped back. His eyes shot to me for a moment – barely a second – and then they turned back to Jasper, who was slowly retreating.
"You're lying to yourself," he said as he approached the door. "And for as protective as you are of her…you're lying to her, too. I know she doesn't know everything. And I'm sure she doesn't know about Carlisle. Tell her, Edward. And while you're at it…tell her about 5586 Birkshire. I'm sure that she'd love to know that she isn't the only thing keeping you here."
And with that…he was gone.
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Edward flew across the space between us and I was in his arms before I could take a deep breath. He picked me up and held me against him, kissing my cheeks and holding me close.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't know he was here. I should have…I should have known. I should have protected you."
I was so overwhelmed, shaky and confused, but more than that – more than anything – I was so relieved to be in his arms. To feel his strength and his lips as they kissed me. He was still here…holding me.
He still wanted me.
And it felt like he wasn't leaving.
He couldn't leave me.
"You did," I whispered. "You did protect me."
"But I should have known he could find me here," he continued. "He always knows where to find me. We always know where to find each other. It's always been that way."
"Why?" I asked, not really knowing what I was expecting him to say.
"This life can be very…isolating," he said. "Friends are few and far between. And Jasper is…Jasper has been my friend."
I buried my head into his neck, breathing him in and knowing I should be upset about what had just transpired, but also knowing that I couldn't feel anything other than happy that I was still in his arms, breathing his scent. It was fucked up…but somehow, it was still right.
"My friends and I don't threaten to kill each other," I said weakly.
"No," he said softly. "Your friend just wants to fuck you."
I lifted my eyes to look at him, shocked at his words.
"I'm sorry, Bella," he said. "I shouldn't have said that…but it's true."
I knew it was true. I had known about Jacob's feelings for me for a long time. It was just so strange to hear someone else say it out loud.
"My point is," he continued. "Sometimes we allow things because we connected to another person."
I nodded my head in agreement, knowing what he said was true. As much as I hated the fact that Jacob was in love with me…I knew I only hated it because I never felt the same way. I could never cut him out of my life. He was like my brother…my blood. He had always, always been there. I couldn't help but wonder what had happened between Jasper and Edward that had connected them so much.
"How…how are you so connected to him?" I asked.
"You're shivering," he said. "You're cold. You need to take a shower, so that you can warm up."
"Don't," I whispered. "Don't do that. Don't pull away from me."
He couldn't. Not then. Not when I had shared so much. Not when I had opened myself to him…laid bare and showing him all the deepest, darkest parts of me.
"I'm not," he said, kissing me again. "I promise, Bella. I will tell you everything. But you need to get warm. I won't be able to talk…to tell you everything if I'm worried about you."
"I'm fine," I insisted.
"You're not. You're shaking in my arms. Please…just take a shower."
I looked into his eyes and I could tell that he was telling the truth…or at least that he wanted to. But I couldn't stand the thought of being separated from him…even for a moment, so I asked, "Will you come with me? I mean…will you shower with me?"
There was something in his eyes at that moment that I couldn't quite read – something hidden and deep. And I wanted more than anything to know what he was thinking…about me…about him and his life. What made him who he was? I didn't want to just love him and need him.
I wanted to understand him.
"I will," he said. "But first, I need to build a fire."
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I took off my clothes in his bathroom while I allowed the water to warm up. It was a fairly large space. The house – though secluded – was new and somewhat modern in its rustic design. It was clean and new…and completely unlived in. There was nothing there that pointed to any signs of life.
But Edward was alive.
Even if he wasn't.
Technically.
And I felt saddened by the thought of him being here alone. And then I thought about my own life…my own space. The same could be said of me. I lived alone in a house. And while it was lived in, there was so much of it blocked off. So much of it that I couldn't bring myself to deal with.
Their room…
Their things…
Even their memory…
All of it was too painful.
I stepped into the large glass shower. The warm, wet smell of nothing filled my lungs as I breathed in deeply. I stood under the hot spray of the water and felt the pressure as it fell in cascades down my body.
I was sore and tired and cold. My body tingled as the heat covered me completely, warming me up.
And then…I felt him.
He stepped behind me, wrapping me up inside his arms. His hands glided over my body, touching me…caressing me…loving me as they explored. It was such an intense and amazing feeling – the duality of the heat and the cold from his body. But then I could feel as the water temperature began to warm him as well. He still wasn't as warm as me…but he was warmer.
He felt like warmth.
Safety.
Longing.
And love.
His hands ran down my sides…my legs. Without thinking, I parted my legs as he brought his hands back up along the inside of my thighs. I was tender…sore. But it didn't matter because I knew that my pain was merely evidence of what had taken place between us.
He never touched my pussy…only stroking and rubbing the swollen and tender parts surrounding it. And I let him touch me, not wanting him to stop…just needing him more than anything.
More than ever.
"He was right," he whispered.
"Who?"
"Jasper," he said. "You're bruised."
"It doesn't matter," I told him.
Because it didn't.
That was the truth.
"Are you hurting?" he asked. "Did I…did I hurt you?"
I turned around in his arms, so I could see his face. My breath caught in my throat when I looked at him…wet and completely naked. He was so fucking beautiful. And he was still here with me. And a fucking bruise wasn't going to change that.
"No…you didn't hurt me, Edward. We had sex…I asked you to do it. I wanted you to do it. And it was…it was wonderful. It doesn't matter that I have bruises. This," I said placing my palm on his chest, "this…is the only thing that matters."
"I know," he said, almost as if he were admitting it to himself more than me.
I pressed up on my toes and kissed him on the cheek.
"That's all," I whispered. "That's all."
"How are you so calm?" he asked. "After everything you know…what I am…what Jasper said?"
"I'm not," I said. "I fell apart out there."
He picked up a bar of soap. It was white and basic…simple like our surroundings. He held it under the water and lathered his hands before he began washing me. It smelled soft and clean like linen. I breathed in deeply as the fragrance enveloped us both…trying to allow myself a quiet moment to just be there with him.
"I'm sorry, Bella."
"Stop that," I told him. "I mean it. My point is…it doesn't matter, Edward. I can't lie and tell you that I wasn't scared…because I was. It just doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything."
He looked at me skeptically and I pushed back my frustration that he could still question our connection…my feelings.
He was scared.
And I knew – more than anyone – what being scared felt like.
"You can tell me anything," I told him. "Anything."
I know.
I believe you.
His eyes spoke so clearly…that I could swear I heard his voice.
He knew.
He believed me.
Finally.
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After the shower, I dressed in a pair of flannel pants and a soft, cotton tee-shirt from my bag. I walked out to the living room to find him sitting on the couch waiting for me in front of the fire. I was nervous, for some reason I couldn't understand…but I walked quietly over to him. His eyes were on me the whole time.
Searching.
Wanting.
Needing.
I sat down beside him, but he quickly pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. There was something about his proximity that silenced my momentary fear.
"How old are you?" I asked, after several silent moments passed.
"Twenty-six."
His voice was soft…awkward and embarrassed.
"How…how long have you been twenty-six?"
He lifted my hand, bringing my wrist to his nose, breathing in deeply and then opening his darkened eyes to me.
"Bella," he whispered, breathing in again. "I've been twenty-six for sixty-six years."
Sixty-six years?
My mind raced with the thought of that amount of time. I couldn't fathom sixty-six years…and the fact that he's been twenty-six for that length of time. I tried to work out the math quickly in my mind. That made him…
"I'm ninety-two, Bella."
His eyes fell and he looked at our hands together in his lap.
"Wow."
"It's too much, isn't it?" he said. "All of this…everything…me."
"No," I told him, turning in his arms and crawling into his lap. "It wouldn't matter if you were a hundred and ninety-two. What do I have to do to make you understand that? How can you not see it? It's right here, Edward. I'm still right here."
Wrapping my arms and legs around him completely, I placed my head on his chest and asked him to talk to me. He stroked my damp hair that hung down my back for a while and with a sigh, he began to talk.
"I was a soldier in the army in World War II. I was young, but not as young as most of the men I fought with. I had a family at home, but no wife…no one to really call my own. The memories of my human life are hazy, but I remember that. I was consumed with the war…with fighting for my country."
He chuckled darkly and I placed a kiss on his neck, encouraging him to continue. It was strange to think of him fighting in a war…fighting in a war sixty-six years ago.
"I was on leave when I got sick. I'd been drinking…a lot. And I wasn't keeping the best…company."
I pulled back to look at him. His eyes were even darker than before. I wondered what that meant – if it meant anything at all.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I was alone, Bella…but I was never lonely. And whenever I was on leave…there was always someone to distract me from the pressures of my life…my occupation. I met a woman at a bar. It's really sad…I'm pretty sure I didn't even really know her name. But we were together…"
His voice trailed off as if he were remembering…or as if he were trying to remember and couldn't. I waited for him to continue – not wanting to push him – but wanting and needing so much to know what he had been through. How this had happened to him.
"Anyway…I think she was sick. Because at the end…I remember being so sick. I don't remember much after that. I think I blacked out in an alley behind a bar. I think…but I don't know. Somehow…someone got me to a hospital. I was delirious...or drunk…or both. But there was a man…a doctor. He tried to help me. He tried…but nothing could be done. I remember lying in the bed and knowing that I was going to die alone. And I was so cold, Bella. I couldn't get warm…"
His body was rigid as it held me. I could feel him tense and not breathing. The entire room was silent…just the sound of my own breath. I held onto him…wanting so much to provide him comfort for what he'd just shared.
"Do you know…" he whispered. "Do you know that you are the first warmth I've had in my life since then? That you're the first person to hold me? The first person to…"
I looked in his eyes – wide and sincere and completely vulnerable.
"What?" I whispered. "Edward…what?"
"The first person to…love me?"
I felt hot tears spill down my cheeks at the thought of him – alone and scared and so sick that he was dying. And even more, that he felt as if he'd never felt the love of another person.
As if they were acting on their own, my arms wrapped around his shoulders with such force that it actually hurt me. But I didn't care. I couldn't care, when my pain – my physical pain – was nothing compared to the pain he'd suffered.
And he let me hold him. His arms pulled me tighter and we sat there for the longest time…just holding onto the only person in the world that mattered.
He mattered to me.
I mattered to him.
I didn't pull away, but when the tears subsided, I finally spoke.
"I do, Edward…I love you."
"I know," he whispered. "I feel it."
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We didn't speak anymore for a while. We both sat there, unmoving and listening to gentle crackling of the fire. There was so much I still didn't know, but I also didn't feel rushed to know it. I knew he would tell me in his own time. More importantly…I knew he wasn't hiding it.
He wasn't hiding anything.
And then I remembered something Jasper said…and I had to ask.
"Who is Carlisle?"
He took in a deep breath, but I waited for him to speak. I held his hand and stroked his palm, trying to soothe him and wanting him to still know that whatever he said wouldn't matter.
"Carlisle is my maker," he said quietly. "He's the one who changed me."
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A/N
Reviews are love.
Please leave me some.
Marvar, at some point, words will no longer be enough to thank you for everything. So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to suck and fondle your boobs or something. Truly, though…I adore you and you make my writing better.
Thanks to the usual suspects. I adore you guys so much!
So, I posted again. And it's only been a week! Thank you for reading and for the massive love from last chapter. Really, it was overwehelming and wonderful. I love that all your h00s loved tree sex! I'm a h00r, too.