What Speaks in Darkness Chapter 17: Hunger, a twilight fanfic

~/\~

~x~

Chapter 16

5586 Birkshire

I couldn't get the address out of my mind. Couldn't stop thinking about it – even as I sat there holding her in my arms and telling her about my past.

5586 Birkshire

She sank deeper into my arms – surrounding me with her understanding, her compassion and her warmth. She listened to me. She allowed me to speak and share at my own pace. And I did…I shared. Not all. Not everything. I didn't know if I could share everything. I didn't think that she would understand.

But I didn't understand 5586 Birkshire.

I didn't understand it…and he fucking knew I wouldn't.

I tried so hard in that moment to read him. His thoughts – usually so clear to me – were guarded. I tried to fight past the false confusion of my altered mood and mindset, knowing what he was doing, but needing to know what the fuck he was talking about. But Bella was trembling – trembling and scared and speaking antagonistic words.

And he could have hurt her.

If he'd wanted…he could have hurt her and I don't know that I would have been able to stop him.

Not with his ability.

Even as I sat there, covered in her warmth, my body chilled at the thought of what I knew he was capable of. And I knew I had to keep her away from him – that he knew too much. He could tell her. He could use my words and admissions from so long ago against me.

And I knew it had to be me.

The truth had to come from me.

But how could I do that?

"Can you talk about it?" she asked quietly, shifting in my arms and taking my hand. "You can tell me, you know…anything."

Her hand has warm in mine and she squeezed gently.

Soft skin.

Delicate bones.

All fit perfectly in my hands.

"I want to," I told her. "You just…you don't know how much I fucking want to."

Her eyes were soft and wide as they looked at me – questioning but not pressing. And my chest constricted as I thought about him…about them and what I'd done. And I thought there was no way that I could tell her. Because if I did – if I opened up and really told her – she would never look at me the same way again. The same fear that I saw in her eyes the night she woke and found me in her dark room, would replace the love and trust she had…for me.

She actually felt that way about me.

Would she still feel the same way once she knew?

Could she?

"Please, Edward…" she insisted. "Tell me about Carlisle."

I had to do it.

I had to fucking tell her.

Even it meant that I would lose her.

"I want you to know…" I started, wondering how I could do it. What words could I say? "I want you to know that I'm not the same person," I paused, the word tasting bitter in my mouth. I wasn't a person at all. Especially then. "I'm not the same person I was back then. I'm different now. I need you to know that."

She looked at me, clearly not understanding what I was saying…where I was going. But still she remained – soft and open and willingly in my arms.

"What do you mean?" she asked. "What does that have to do with Carlisle? Your maker?"

The way she said maker sounded strange in her voice – like she didn't understand what that meant. And why would she?

Breathing in deeply…I began to speak.

"I was sick," I told her. "I was so sick…and he…he was the doctor I told you about."

"When you were in the hospital?"

"Yes."

"What happened?" she whispered. "Why…why didn't he save you?"

"He did. At least…he said he did," I told her. "He said it was the only way."

~x~

Screaming.

There was so much screaming. And the need for soothing tears that never came.

I couldn't even cry tears.

Tears – to cover and coat and soak the burning pain that ripped through my body. My tense and tortured muscles coming apart underneath my fire-consumed skin.

And I couldn't fucking cry.

I begged for help…but it was all in my mind. There were no sounds except my screams.

There was nothing but my pain.

Searing.

Suffering.

Tortured and dying.

~x~

She was silent and not breathing as she watched me. Her body was tense like mine as I remembered my pain. As I relived those moments that changed my life as I knew it.

I wondered if she could feel what I was feeling.

It seemed like she could.

The anxiety written on her face read like a macabre novel.

And I pulled her close – wanting to offer her comfort – but needing her comfort more.

"He said I was dying," I whispered. "He said that he did it to save me."

"Did it hurt?" she asked. "Very much?"

Her question was innocent, but how could I answer it? And even more than that…how could I imagine that I would ever be able to do that to her?

Could I ever intentionally inflict that kind of pain on her?

But then there was the question…

The most important question.

Could I exist now, in a world where she didn't exist?

I knew I couldn't.

"It did."

I looked at her while she took in the information I'd just given her. I could see the wheels in her mind spinning…I could feel the way her heartbeat sped.

So, I continued.

"The pain stopped suddenly. It was gone…almost as if it hadn't been there. And the relief I felt was immediate. And that's when I felt it…"

"What?"

"A hand…his hand…covering mine."

"He was there with you?" she asked.

She leaned in, her body angled toward my own…listening intently to my every word.

"Yes."

"What did you do?" she I asked. "I mean….what happened then? Next?"

"Carlisle explained to me what happened. He told me what we were…what I was. And I didn't believe him. I'd heard the stories…you know. Scary stories…lies…myths. But I could see everything so much clearer. The colors were much more vivid. I could hear things – different things – things I'd never heard before. Like the sound of still air. And everything else was so much. So fucking loud. And the voices…"

My voice trailed off as I remembered.

"I was so confused…so scared. But I knew…in the end…I knew he was telling the truth," I whispered. "I knew that I was different…that I was what he said…that I was changed. I was no longer living, but not really dead. It's hard to explain. I don't know that I'm doing a good job. I don't know if I can tell you. I just…I don't know."

Bella turned in my lap. She wrapped her arms around me and she placed her head against my shoulder. Her breath was warm on my neck and she held me tightly…so fucking tightly. To me, her grasp was nothing. But it was fucking everything in the world. And I could feel her strength. I could feel how much she was giving me…and I took.

"Why are you still here?" I asked. "Why aren't you afraid?"

She never moved. She didn't look in my eyes and she whispered slowly…every word she breathed against my skin felt like a punctuation of her truth.

"You will never hurt me."

She believed it.

And she was so fucking wrong.

The only thing I could do was hurt her. Even as I sat there with her arms around me, loving her comfort, breathing her breath…the only thing I could think of was that I wanted her. I wanted to keep her with me forever and if I were to do that…I would have to hurt her.

Just like…

"I could," I whispered. "I have…before."

Big eyes.

Soft skin.

Coming.

Willingly coming.

"Edward?" she whispered.

"Bella."

"Do you…do you kill people?" she asked. "Do you need them to survive? Their…their…their blood?"

Even though she didn't move, I felt her grow rigid in my arms. I held her tightly – knowing it was time to tell her everything, but unwilling to let her go if she couldn't live with what I'd done.

"I need blood to survive," I whispered. "But Carlisle taught me another way."

"You can live without blood?"

"No," I whispered. "But I – we – our kind can survive on the blood of animals."

"And you do?" she asked. "Survive? Only on animals?"

So trusting.

Willing.

Easy.

"Yes."

Her relief was immediate. I could feel her relax in my arms. She didn't want to love a killer…a monster. But she needed to know that if she loved me – if she really loved me – that's exactly what I was.

"Carlisle believed in healing," I told her, continuing on. There was still so much more I needed to share. "He believed in saving lives…not taking them. He kept me secluded for the longest time, only taking me out with him at night to hunt. The blood of an animal is unappealing at best…but it's warm and wet…and ultimately nourishing."

"But it's not what you want?"

It was a question…although she more said it than asked. She was so perceptive and picked up on things that were hidden between the blurred lines of my explanation.

"No," I whispered. "We always want…something else more."

She was alone.

I was alone.

It was simple.

So fucking simple.

"Do you want to drink from me?" she asked, sitting up straighter and looking me in the eye. "Is that why you're so afraid? Is that what Jasper was talking about?"

Her scent...

So good…

And she followed.

She came.

"I should want to drink from you," I told her. "I should have wanted it…desperately. I braced myself for it on the first night I came into your house. I held my breath as I entered your room…"

I stopped, taking pause, as I allowed myself to feel the shame I had for violating her that way.

"Stop it," she whispered. "Right now."

I looked up at her, her big brown eyes a pool of emotion…deep and dark like a well. And I was standing there asking…wishing for her to understand. And the most amazing and fucked up thing was that I actually thought that she did.

I knew she did.

I could see it.

"Don't do that," she continued. "We talked about this. I wanted you there. I wouldn't change anything about any of this, Edward. So much happened before you even came inside. You couldn't hear me…and I…I was able to hear you. Well, at least your thoughts." Her hands slid down and then ran up and across my stomach, underneath my shirt. "I wanted you there…with me…in my bed. I thought I dreamed you. I thought I made you up in my mind. Don't you see?"

"What?" I asked.

"You…you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," she whispered. "Please don't feel bad about being the best thing that ever happened to me."

I shuddered slightly under her touch.

"You're the best and most amazing thing to happen to me in ninety-two years, Bella," I said sincerely. "It's hard for me to imagine that you can understand."

Her eyes were fierce as she cupped my face in her hands.

"I do."

Forgetting everything but her, I kissed her lips gently. Tasting her…feeling her respond as she opened her mouth and breathed into mine. She always tasted so good…sweet and real and perfect.

I couldn't help the groan that escaped my lips as kissed her deeper, stroking her tongue with my own. Her hands slid down and wrapped around my waist as if she was trying to get closer…and I wanted her closer.

I needed her closer.

In a moment of weakness, I reached down and grabbed her naked thigh that was covered only by the cotton of her shirt. Her skin was so soft…and my touch was so rough.

She whimpered into my mouth, but I took it as an indication of her passion…her desire. So, I held her closer…I gripped her harder. And then she cried out, clutching at me.

"I'm sorry," I rasped, looking down at her tender flesh. "Did I hurt you?"

"You didn't," she whispered.

She covered my hand with hers. Her calm enveloping me at the same time her lips covered mine again.

"I'm fine," she panted into my mouth.

And I took her breath, her promise and love…and I held them all tighter…closer...

And once again, it was her that soothed me.

It was her that calmed me.

"I don't want to, you know," I murmured against her lips. "I don't need to."

"What?" she asked, burying her face against my neck.

"Your…blood," I whispered. "It doesn't call to me…it doesn't make me…"

"What?" she asked again. "It doesn't make you what?"

I could feel her heart against my chest…her life literally beating in my hands as I held her.

Drumming softly.

Steadily.

Quietly.

Fearlessly.

"I don't know if I can explain it," I said. "It's like…do you know what it feels like to be really hungry?"

"Yes," she spoke softly. "I do."

She nodded her head and for a fleeting moment, I wondered if there had ever been a time when she was that hungry. Had she ever gone without in her life? She had taken care of herself for so long…and the thought of her needing something…anything…it killed me.

I reached out and stroked her hair. Because I could…and because she was perfect and fine and there with me.

"And when you are…you smell something really amazing. Like…your favorite food?"

"Yeah."

"It's like that," I said. "Only…I could have just fed and not need to drink, but when I…when we…smell human blood…none of that matters. It calls to us…it's our nature to desire it…to want it…to take it."

Clearly confused, she pulled back.

"But not with me?" she asked. "You don't feel that way with me?"

"No."

"Why do you think that is? And why do you think that you can't hear me when you said you can hear everyone else?"

"I don't know," I said. "I only know that it's true. I can smell you, though…your blood even. It's soft and metallic…with lilac and citrus. Beautiful. But it doesn't…call to me. Not the same way that you do…your body…your pussy…" I whispered, "when you want me."

"I always want you," she whispered back.

It would have been so easy to just take her then. I wanted it like she did…to be inside of her body.

Hot and wet.

I could smell her in the air around me…could taste her as I breathed.

But I couldn't take her.

Not then.

Not until she knew the truth.

Not until she knew everything…including what I'd done.

"Bella, I want to tell you everything," I whispered. "I want to tell you because you need to know, but I need you to know that I'm scared that this will change this," I said, placing my hand on her heart. "I'm afraid that you will look at me differently once you know what I really am."

"It won't."

I chuckled darkly.

"Just promise me…" I told her, looking in her eyes. "When I'm through, if you're scared…promise me you'll tell me."

"I promise," she said.

"I'll know," I told her. "I'll know if you're scared."

"Edward…I will never lie to you. Not ever."

And I believed her.

~x~

"Carlisle took care of me," I told he, continuing my story. "The change was difficult…on both of us. But when he felt like I was strong enough…controlled enough…he took me out during the day. He made sure we hunted and fed more than enough the night before.

I'll never forget it. We were still living in Chicago and Carlisle was still working at the hospital. It was cold that day. I'll never forget it – not that I can forget anything. But I wasn't cold. We…" I looked at her, gauging. "We don't get cold."

"Ever?"

"Temperature is irrelevant to us," I said. "We feel it…but it doesn't affect our bodies."

I watched as she took in the information, thinking about it, but her eyes settled back on me as she waited for me to continue.

"I remember because Carlisle had to explain to me why I needed to wear a coat…even if I didn't need one. I wore the coat he offered and we made our way into the city. He had to go into the hospital and he didn't feel comfortable with taking me inside."

"Why?" she asked.

"Sick people…open wounds…"

Realization dawned on her face and her grip on me tightened and released as if she didn't know what she should do.

"He told me to wait for him in the alley behind the hospital. It was relatively safe…and because we weren't in the best part of the city…no one was usually there. So, I did as I was asked…and I waited."

I looked at her. She was watching me…loving me with just the look her eyes.

She was the only one to ever look at me like that.

"That's when I smelled her," I whispered.

Her eyes widened as she sucked in a breath and she quietly asked, "Who?"

"I could hear her. At first I thought she was speaking, but her lips weren't moving. She was a nurse…and she was late for work. And she smelled like…like…I wanted to consume her. Before I could stop myself, I called her name…I'd heard it in her thoughts. She looked up at me…immediately enamored."

Bella's heart was pounding, but she never moved. Not a fucking inch. She sat there, still in my arms…hanging on my every word.

But for how long?

She still didn't know.

"She approached me…and I waited. She was pretty…slightly older than me…but still beautiful. Soft and sweet. Even her thoughts were sweet. But none of that mattered…all that I could see…all that I cared about was the smell of her blood. I could hear her pulse beating underneath her skin. Hot and wet and pounding in my ears."

Thump.

Thump, thump.

Thump.

Thump, thump.

"She was nervous, but still drawn to me. I could see it all in her mind. She read it to me as if it were a book. Venom pooled in my mouth…and it was so fucking easy. She made it so fucking easy.

She asked me who I was…and I told her my name. It didn't matter that she knew…because she wouldn't live to tell a soul. I knew – instinctively – exactly what to do. She was my prey. And easier than the animals I'd hunted. Because they ran…they ran and she didn't. She fucking came…willingly, she came."

Wide eyes.

Willing.

Soft skin.

Trusting.

"And once she was close enough for me to reach out and touch…I did. She let me. She allowed my hands – the hands of a monster – to touch her. And all I could smell was her blood. It flooded my senses the same way it was flooding her veins. I leaned in to smell her…and still…she still fucking allowed it.

"My nose skimmed her neck. Her heart pounded under my hands. And I could taste her. Her pale, thin skin wasn't even pierced and I could taste her. And I needed it…her blood…in that moment…I needed it more than anything.

"I stroked her neck softly…then roughly. I needed her frightened. I needed the rush of adrenaline. I needed her pounding and pulsing and ready to fill me…to feed me. She was shaking then…crying. She didn't know what was happening…but she knew it was bad. She knew I was bad. But it didn't deter me…nothing could have. I knew what I wanted. My hunger had taken over. I didn't pull back, didn't look at her as I took…my mouth opened quickly….and I bit."

Beautiful.

Soft.

Pale skin.

Caramel hair.

And her last thought was of Carlisle.

~x~

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