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Chapter 17
Horrified.
There was no other word to describe what I was feeling as Edward told me the story of his past…how he was changed…and what happened after.
And that's exactly what I was, as I sat there holding him.
Horrified at the look in his eyes, as he painstakingly recounted what happened so long ago.
His eyes were haunted by his words…his memory. And I wondered as he spoke, if I should be scared like he kept telling me.
I should have been scared.
I should have been frightened.
I should have been horrified.
But I wasn't.
At least not for me. Because how could I be scared, when he held me so gently? How could I want to run away, when every part of my heart and body begged to stay there with him? And for all the things that should have been…I could only focus on what actually was.
And in all actuality, I was in love with him.
Already.
So much.
Completely.
His eyes were closed and his head was downcast as he remembered what happened. And I wanted him to look at me. I wanted his eyes on mine, so he could see the truth.
I knew what he was.
I understood what he'd done.
And while it may have been horrifying, none of it mattered.
His whole body was tense…he wasn't even breathing. And I kept waiting for tears that simply never came. But I could hear them – pooling and unshed – in the tension of his voice that was so thick and desperate.
Regretful and ashamed.
My own cheeks stained with the tears he wasn't crying…and with a choked up voice, I whispered through them, "You killed her."
It was a question.
It was an acknowledgment.
Haunted, black eyes looked up at mine, as he whispered in return, "Yes."
And in that moment – however ephemeral he appeared – he was so painfully beautiful yet frightening.
He killed her.
My racing mind warred with itself, wondering what I should do.
He killed her.
Part of me wanted to run – wanted the safety of my life only a few short days before.
He killed her.
But the biggest part of me – the part that still remembered the sad and longing sting of lonely – knew that my fear was irrelevant.
He would never kill me.
He could never hurt me.
And somewhere in my chaotic mind, it registered that he knew. He could feel me…my heart and my blood. He could sense my fear and just the thought that I was hurting him further, centered me. I took a deep breath, still holding his eyes with mine, and I spoke.
Two words.
They were all I had, but they would have to be enough.
"It's okay."
"No," he said.
I reached up and cupped his face with my hands. His skin was cool, but with the heat of the fire in front of us, I noticed that the temperature wasn't all that different from mine.
"Yes," I maintained. "It is."
"It's not," he pressed. "It's not okay. It hasn't…nothing…nothing has been okay since that day. Nothing! Nothing until….you. And you need to know, Bella. You need to know what I did because you need to understand what I'm capable of. You need to know that I'm not the man that you think I am. You need to see me…you need to really see me!"
"I do see you!" I cried, the force of my voice scaring even me. "I see you, Edward. I heard you and I felt you when you came to me. When you came back to me – not once, but twice. You came back and you let me see you. And every moment…every fucking second you tell me something else…you reveal something different…and I'm still here! I'm still here and I do…I see you!"
"You have to let me finish," he said. "Please, Bella…just…you have to let me tell you the rest."
I didn't want to hear it. Not another word, because I knew it wouldn't matter. It didn't matter and it wouldn't change a fucking thing.
"Please," he whispered again. "Just…please."
His eyes were imploring…begging me to listen. And even though I didn't want to – even though I knew his words wouldn't change what had already happened between us – I listened.
"I held her against me, drinking from her…taking from her," he whispered.
He looked down and I wanted to make him look at me. I wanted him to see me because he was forcing me to listen. And I knew that he was forcing me to listen because he thought that it would make me run. He thought that he didn't deserve me…that he didn't deserve love.
"I could feel her life ending in my arms," he continued. "Her pulse was slowing and I couldn't stop. I didn't want to. I could only taste the blood. Her blood. Her life was ending and she was feeding me. She was fucking feeding me and I could hear her thoughts as she died. They were of him, you know."
"Who?" I whispered.
"Carlisle."
"She knew him?"
"She kept repeating his name in her mind. Over and over again like a mantra. She thought of nothing else. I could see his face in her mind. I could feel the love she felt for him in her disintegrating life. She was in love with him! My maker…my keeper. The one who had saved me."
And I wanted to die for him as he revealed the rest of his story. I could feel his pain as if it were my own. It ripped and pulled and destroyed my heart and I was sobbing…choking and crying for him because he still had no tears. But his pain and his sadness were so much that it broke me.
"What do you mean?" I cried. "How did she love him?"
And then his eyes met mine – wide and dark and ruined – and he placed his hand on my pounding heart.
"I don't know," he whispered. "How can you love me?"
Something inside me clicked and I realized that his maker – Carlisle – was in love with a human. He was in love with her…or she was in love with him. And Edward killed her. And then suddenly, I understood everything. His shame, his pain…his fucking broken mind and spirit. I understood it all and even more that that…even more than understanding…I felt it.
"I do," I said roughly. "I love you."
I was almost like he wasn't listening to me. Like, he was so lost inside his own mind and reliving this pivotal moment that must have changed his life.
Completely.
"I didn't even feel him," he whispered. "I couldn't even hear him…I was so consumed with her blood. But before I knew what was happening, he ripped her from my arms and pushed me up against the brick alley wall with such strength, it scared me. He fell to his knees before me and held her limp, dead body in his arms. His thoughts were frantic – filled with love I couldn't comprehend and pain and loss I couldn't ever have fathomed. And they raced manically as he whispered her name over and over again. Esme…Esme…Esme…"
His body rocked back and forth as he repeated her name, much in the same way he'd described Carlisle, doing. His hands fisted and gripped the cushions of the couch beneath us, and nothing I could have done, would have made it better.
"He was going to kill me," he whispered after a moment. His voice was lifeless…dead. "I could hear it in his thoughts before he ever looked up at me. But when he did, I could see the devastation, the pain...and hate in his eyes. He hated me. My maker…the only one I had a connection to in the world. He hated me. And he hated me because of what I'd done. I deserved it…his hate. I deserved it because I killed her. And he loved her. He loved her so fucking much and even though he taught me a different way, I killed her."
He looked up at me briefly, his pitch-black eyes wounded and filled with bottomless pain and regret. And I wanted to say something, but there were no words. What kind of words were there for something like that?
There was nothing.
Just his silence and shame and my pounding heart.
Until he whispered, "So, I ran, Bella. I ran away…and I never went back. I've spent my whole existence running."
He sat there…silent and unmoving. And my broken heart fought to comprehend everything he just told me. But there was no way for me to understand it. There was no way I ever could have. It was too much. It was all too much and I couldn't imagine what he'd gone through…what he felt. And still, nothing I could do would make it better. Nothing at all. So, I sat there, weeping and praying for him to calm down. For him to just look at me again and allow me to offer him comfort.
And it was then that I realized…comfort was exactly what he needed. Comfort and acceptance and love.
Because he'd never had it.
And then I was angry – furious – because the one person, who should have offered it to him, didn't.
"This wasn't…isn't…your fault," I said.
Shock filled his expression as my words registered…and he gasped.
"What do you mean, it's not my fault?" he asked. "I killed her, Bella. I fucking killed her. I'm a monster. I'm a monster and I killed her – the woman he loved – I killed her! A monster…a monster…a monster…"
His whole body shook and trembled like he was crying, but the desperation I saw in him was far more overwhelming and heartbreaking than any grief or sadness I'd even known.
Including my own.
I reached for him, praying he wouldn't push me away. When he didn't, I wrapped my arms around him so tight and just held him close to me, my anger pushed back because he was more important. I whispered to him over and over that it would be okay – that he would be okay. I didn't know if he could hear me. I didn't know if he was even listening, but I held his shaking body the whole time, willing him with my words to calm down.
I felt his body shudder under my touch as he took in a deep breath. He buried his face in my neck and finally, he wrapped his arms around me. And I was so relieved when he did. I felt my own body release some of the tension I was holding. I brought my hands up around his neck, softly stroking the skin there, before running my fingers through his hair and scratching his scalp softly.
"Who are you?" he whispered. "Where have you been?"
My heart broke a little more at his questions. And I knew in that moment exactly what he was asking. Because I didn't know where he'd been. And I'd been waiting for him for so fucking long…and not even realizing it.
I could have been with Jake – could have probably been content and happy with him – but I never would have felt anything other than a friendly kind of love. I would never have known the kind of passion that Edward had incited inside me.
He was my missing piece.
And I knew I was his, too.
"I'm right here," I whispered back. "I've always been right here."
"Why are you here?" he asked, his breath cool against my neck. His voice was small and full of wonder…and sounded so much younger than the years that he had lived. "Why are you still here? After everything? After what I told you?"
I didn't want to move from our position, but I wanted to look in his eyes. So, I pulled back only slightly, loving the way he held on to me like he didn't want to let me go. Something pulled inside me, then…like I knew that I never wanted to let him go either.
Not ever.
Turning around and scooting forward, I wrapped my legs around his waist. I placed one hand on his cheek and the other on his silent chest. And even though it was silent, I knew that his heart was there…and I needed his heart to hear me.
"You told me you were a vampire, Edward," I said softly…slowly. "You told me what you were and I still wanted you."
"This is different," he said. "You know more now…what…you know what I'm capable of."
"I don't really know anything about vampires," I told him. "Only what I've read or seen in movies…but I knew when you told me…I knew that you'd probably killed. Fuck, I assumed that you had."
As I said the words, I knew they were true. So much had happened in such a short time between us, but on some level, I had to know. And I didn't know what that meant, or what that said about me…but I couldn't focus on it.
"You want to be…" he started. "You want to be with a killer, Bella?"
"I want to be with you," I told him fiercely. "And you are not a killer. I meant what I said. None of this is your fault. At least…not entirely."
"I killed her," he said again. "Esme. Carlisle's Esme."
"Yes," I whispered. "You did. But you did it after he left you alone the first time he'd taken you in public. I don't know if I understand about the blood or the way it appeals to…to you. But I know that he…Carlisle…bears some of the responsibility. Clearly, you weren't ready for that yet. To be alone like that. And even if he thought you'd be by yourself, he had to fucking know that there was a possibility you wouldn't be."
"No. This isn't his fault," he argued. "This is my fault…mine! I killed her…and he hated me for it. He would have killed me, Bella. He was going to kill me. I saw it in his mind. He wanted to kill me. And I should have stayed…I deserved it, but I was so scared and ashamed. I ran…like a coward. And he's somewhere…still hating me..."
"Stop it, Edward," I snapped. "Just fucking stop it right now. You didn't deserve to die any more than she did. And I'm so sorry that this happened, but you have to know…this is not all your fault."
His eyes were piercing as I looked at him, but I couldn't think about him dying. Not him, too. Not now, when he was here in my life. Not now that I was in love with him. I wondered if there really was a possibility that somewhere, there was someone who hated Edward so much that he would want to kill him. And then I thought about Jasper and what he'd said.
"She's a human, Edward," he said. "She's fucking human and you know what you've done."
Esme was a human.
Like me.
"Does she know what you've done? Does she know what will happen to her…what will happen to you?"
I shivered as I considered his words…but that wasn't a possibility.
Was it?
Before I could follow the path of my thoughts, Edward's voice broke through the silence.
"You really do love me, don't you?" he said. "This is real…this is really happening."
And at his words, I remembered lying in his arms in my bed, asking him basically the same thing. And when I asked…he comforted me. He told me he loved me. Told me he'd do whatever I needed.
And for him…I would do the same thing.
"Yes," I whispered. "I love you. I'm…I'm in love with you, Edward. I can't pretend to understand everything, but I understand enough to know that you're supposed to be here. You were supposed to find me. We were supposed to find each other."
He pressed in slowly, his hands sliding up my back before he tangled his fingers in my hair. And then he pulled me the rest of the way to him and he kissed my lips so softly, but I could feel the underlying tension in his body…his hand…his lips.
"I need you," he said against my mouth. His breath was sweet and cool as I breathed it in. "So much."
"You have me," I whispered back. "This whole time…you've had me."
"No, Bella," he said, more urgently. "I need you."
"I'm yours."
My voice was shaking, but I wasn't scared. The truth was I knew how he needed me. I needed him the same way. And as his mouth covered mine, I gave into that need completely. He kissed me softly, carefully…but I wanted more. When his tongue slipped across my bottom lip, I pulled it into my mouth, sucking gently and clinging to him tighter as he groaned lowly.
I wasn't even aware that he moved us until I felt myself falling back. Only, I wasn't falling. Edward's hands and arms were underneath me, holding me as he guided me down to the couch. He pulled back and my legs that were wrapped around him fell to the side. And he looked at me for the longest time before he whispered, "Are you sure you want this…that you want me?"
"Yes…so much….yes."
"Bella," my name was like a sigh on his lips…a prayer. And as I whispered his name in return, I wondered if he could hear the same thing. If he could see in my eyes, what I saw in his.
Passion.
Desire.
Need.
Love.
Because it was absolutely the fucking same for me.
His hands slipped up my sides, pulling at my shirt as he went. It tickled, it burned and just like him…his touch was everything.
"Lift your arms," he said. "I need to see you."
No sooner had I moved, before my shirt was pulled from my body. I could feel the warm air from the fire as it wafted over my naked skin. He kneeled before me and his hands traced the line of my collarbones from the outside in. I felt exposed and vulnerable, but as he dragged his hand down my sternum to the center of my chest, I also felt protected and safe.
I was safe with Edward.
He would never, ever hurt me.
"Your heart is pounding," he whispered, lowering his head and taking one breast into his mouth.
He sucked my flesh gently and my nipple tingled as his tongue licked around my areola. He pulled back and blew on the sensitive skin, watching with me, as it puckered and hardened. He drew small circles around with the tip of his finger, while his mouth repeated the same process on my other breast.
And I had no words…just small and whimpering moans from the way he was making me feel.
Amazing.
"Do you want me, Bella?" he asked as he pulled back.
"So much," I told him.
"Are you wet for me?" he whispered.
"Yes," I barely told him, shaking my head.
"I know," he whispered, reaching down to cup me with his hand. "I can smell you…your pussy…how much you want me."
He massaged me over my clothes with two fingers, pressing hard, but not hard enough.
Touching me…but not where I needed it.
"I told you, Bella," he said. "It calls to me…more than your blood…more than any blood."
Without warning, he was standing up. It happened so fast, I didn't even see him move. By the time I had my bearings and my eyes focused in on him, he was almost completely undressed. Edward naked, was a vision. And as he stood, pale and golden in the firelight, I was overwhelmed.
His perfect body.
His big hands and long fingers.
His glorious cock.
"You're beautiful," I whispered, reaching up, without thinking, to touch it.
He whimpered as I circled him with my hand.
Cool and hard.
Thick and long.
He moaned, as my thumb slid up the underside before sweeping across his head.
"Tell me you want me," he rasped. "Tell me again."
"I want you, Edward," I whispered. "All I want is you."
As quickly as he'd left, he was kneeling before me again, pulling my pants and panties from my legs. And then he was over me, whispering in my ear how much he needed this, how much he needed me. His mouth covered mine as his hand slipped between us, pushing my already parted legs out wider.
"I want to be slow," he said, his voice low but loud in my ear. "I want to take my time and fuck you with my fingers and tongue."
His fingers slipped just inside my pussy…stroking and rubbing and pushing gently against my opening.
"And I want to make love to you the way that you deserve," he continued, pressing two fingers fully inside me. I gasped from the way it felt…still sore and swollen, but he felt so fucking good. "But I need you right now, Bella. I need to be inside you…I need to be connected to you like this."
His mouth covered mine…gentle and hard…penetrating and wet.
"Can I have you like this, Bella?" he asked. "Can I have you just like this right now?"
I could only hold him closer because I didn't have any words. My fingers dug into his shoulders to the point that it was painful to me.
"You have to tell me, Bella," he said. "Please…tell me."
"Yes," I cried.
And as soon as his fingers slipped from inside me, they were replaced with his cock.
And it was good.
It was so, so good.
I wrapped my legs around him as he pushed into me over and over again. There was nothing sweet or soft or gentle about it. It was all need…desire…desperation. And I felt it. I could feel his need…and it matched my own. I could feel his relief with each and every thrust. I could feel the weight of the day and what he'd shared fall away each time he said he loved me.
I love you…
I love you…
I love you…
Over and over again until there was nothing else. Nothing but my shaking body beneath him as we came…and I told him in return.
"I love you, too, Edward. I fucking love you, too."
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The fire had all but burned out and I was still wrapped up in his arms. We had a blanket wrapped around me…around us. And for the first time, there were no secrets between us. I felt light…and I could tell he did, too.
"I don't want to be without you," he whispered.
"I don't want to be without you, either."
He kissed my dry lips, licking them and pulling me closer.
"I don't want to be without you…ever."
There was a weight to his words that I didn't understand. Or maybe, one, I wasn't prepared to consider. But he didn't say anything else, and I was content and happy to stay there…quiet and comforted in his arms.
Seconds…minutes…countless moments passed.
And it was then, he broke our peaceful silence.
"I need to go away for a while," he whispered.
My whole body tensed as I turned to look at him.
Panicked.
Scared.
Hurt.
"What do you mean?"
His eyes were soft and deep. He reached his hands out from under the blanket and cupped my face, kissing me softly on my chin.
"I want you to come with me, Bella. I need you to come with me. You're not safe here alone anymore. Not with Jasper and…" he paused and searched my eyes. "Please, come with me. I know it's a lot to ask…it's too much to ask…but I need to know what Jasper was talking about. I need to know about 5586 Birkshire."
And for me, there was no question.
"Okay."
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We walked in the bar and I slipped my hand in Edward's. Every part of me tingled with the anticipation of what I was about to do. I didn't know if leaving with him was the right decision. I just knew it was the only decision I could make.
He needed me…and wanted me with him. And the truth was, I needed and wanted him the same way. So, taking hold of that truth inside me, I looked up at him, ready to go wherever he led.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked.
"I already told you…I'm sure about you…about us," I told him. "But I can't just leave…even if it is just for a little while, without telling them."
I saw Rosalie sitting at the bar, but Emmett was the first to notice us. He nodded his head at me, while giving Edward an incredulous glare. I tightened my grip on his hand and he smiled down at me. Rosalie turned around and her eyes widened as she registered what she was seeing. I could only imagine what they were thinking.
I looked back up at Edward, and he whispered, "The bartender doesn't trust me."
"He feels protective of me," I said. "But I'm not the eighteen year old girl he gave a job to, anymore. I'm a grown woman. I can make my own decisions and I have decided."
Edward looked at me for a long moment before finally whispering, "I love you."
And that was enough.
We made our way over to the bar and Rose was the first one to speak.
"Bella, is there something you need to tell me?" she said, smirking. "What I mean is…is there something you've been keeping from me?"
She looked Edward up and down before glancing at me and mouthing the word, "Hot."
"I was wondering if we'd see you tonight," Emmett interrupted. "I wasn't sure, since it's your night off."
He looked at Edward, closer this time…and skeptically.
"Who's this?" he asked.
Edward put his arm around me as I made introductions.
"Rose, Emmett…this is Edward," I said. "Edward, this is Rose and Emmett…two of my closest friends."
"And what is Edward?" Rose asked, laughing. "He doesn't get a little description? Like maybe, the man you've somehow managed to keep from us?"
"It's not like that, Rose."
"Well, then…why don't you guys sit down and join us for a drink?" Emmett said. "And then, maybe you can tell us what it is like."
"We can't really stay," Edward said calmly.
"Where are Alice and Jake?" I asked.
"Jake was here," Emmett said, but I think he left.
"Alice is around here somewhere," Rose added. "Bella? What's going on?"
I felt Edward tense up beside me and I looked up at him.
"I need to step outside for a minute," he said. "I'll just give you some time with your friends."
"What's going on?" I asked, feeling uneasy about whatever would make him 'step outside.'
"Nothing," he said. "I just need to…talk to someone."
He pulled out his phone and held it up to show me. I wanted to relax, but I couldn't. And I couldn't ask him any questions with Rose and Emmett so close and paying attention to our every word.
He leaned down and kissed me softly on the cheek, stroking the skin above my jeans softly.
"I'll be right back," he said…and then he was gone.
Once he walked outside, I turned back to my friends and Rose said, "Alright, Bella…you show up here after two days of not calling, with some man we've never met…and you're acting all squirrelly and shit. What the fuck is going on? And don't tell me 'nothing.' I fucking know you…or I thought I did."
"Nothing is going on," I lied. "Well…nothing bad."
"Spill it, Bells," Emmett said.
"I do have something I need to tell you, but I'm going to go get Alice first," I told them. "I really need her to be here, too."
"She probably in the ladies applying lip gloss," Rose said. "I'll go get her."
"No," I said. "I'll go. Finish your beer."
As I walked toward the bathroom, I couldn't stop thinking about Edward. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. A part of me wanted to go outside and find him, but I knew I owed my friends an explanation. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door.
"Fuck," someone hissed and grunted, and as my eyes adjusted, the entire world spun in rapid circles around me.
"Oh my God, Bella!" Alice gasped.
I couldn't move…couldn't breathe…as I stood there, taking in what was happening before me.
Alice was on the counter, her bare legs spread open and wrapped around someone's waist. Her steel-blue eyes met mine for a moment before dropping her head below the man's shoulder. And as I lifted my eyes, I saw familiarity…family…and Jake's wide brown eyes staring back at me through the mirror.
I wanted to move, but I couldn't. I just stood there, with his eyes holding mine. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I could hear the sound of Alice crying.
And I had to get the fuck out of there.
I spun on my heel and headed for the door. I needed to get out…needed to be anywhere but there. And then I heard Edward's voice calling my name. And as I looked up, I was met with his concerned eyes.
And the golden eyes of Jasper to his left.
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A/N
Reviews are love.
Please leave me some.
Marvar, thank you for everything. But mostly, thank you for understanding me…for making me laugh…and for being the single best thing to come from Twilight. (Including Edward's glorious cock.)
Thanks to my pre-readers, Caren (Nerac) and Raina. I love and appreciate you both so much.
Oh, and I love Peeta.