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Chapter 18
Darkness.
My entire existence had consisted of it. Endless nights…covered and clouded days. All spent running from my past, running from that moment. Hearing but never heard. Watching but never seen.
Until her.
She heard me.
She saw me.
And now, she knew about me – all about me. She knew everything. Who I was and what I'd done. She knew and she was still there. And not just there, she was in love with me. It was hard not to laugh or even want to cry at the thought. I couldn't cry, obviously. But as I told her what happened, what I'd taken – not just from Carlisle, but from Esme – I wanted to. For the first time since I'd experienced the pain of changing, I wanted to cry as she held me in her arms.
For as much as I wanted to hold her, to help her heal her broken and lonely heart, she was helping me more. And as we lay there, wrapped up in one another and the blanket, it was her love, her acceptance and her fucking understanding that put together the pieces of a heart I didn't know remained.
And she told me she would come. She didn't even ask me any questions. She never put up one ounce of defense. She simply said, "Okay," and I accepted her gift, her beautiful trust, her gracious heart…and we prepared ourselves to leave.
I didn't even know where we were going. Jasper's thoughts had been so guarded, but I knew that the address was close. And I knew that whatever I would find there…had to do with me.
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Walking in the bar made me nervous. Not because I was scared of anyone there, because no one there could hurt me. I was scared for Bella. I knew that these were the people she loved. These were the ones who had been there for her. And they were also the ones who had the potential to convince her not to leave. And she had to leave. She had to come with me because she wasn't safe. And even more that that…I knew that I could never be without her again.
The bartender, Emmett, noticed us right away. His thoughts were clear. He wasn't trusting of anyone new. And he felt a sort of possessiveness about Bella. It wasn't romantic, but it bothered me just the same. He wanted to know who the fuck I was. He wanted to know if I was the reason that Bella had been acting so strangely the last time she worked. And I knew that I was. But for her sake, I kept a straight face as she looked up at me. I tried to focus on the way her hand held mine, the way her deep brown eyes reflected her emotions. And while I couldn't hear her thoughts, everything I wanted to know – everything I needed to know – was written so clearly in her eyes. But I could hear his thoughts as clearly as if he were standing right next to me speaking them out loud.
Suspicion.
Concern.
Doubt.
It wasn't until we were already standing there with them and Bella was talking, that I heard his voice.
Jasper.
He was outside…and he knew we were there. I had to go outside. I had to speak to him one last time. I had to hope that he would slip up and his mind would tell me the answers that I needed to know. But he never slipped up. He never lost control. So, I kissed Bella, leaving her with her friends and I left the bar to find him.
I could smell the smoke before I saw the orange glow of the cigarette illuminate his face. He was leaning up against the wall on the side of the building. He took one more drag, breathing in deeply and then blowing the smoke out in one long, steady stream.
"Why the fuck do you still do that?" I asked him. "It's not like it does anything for you."
He chuckled quietly, darkly. His thoughts were muddy and unclear. He was purposely trying to conceal them from me and it was working. It always worked.
"It's not like it's going to kill me either," he said. "Besides…I like it. I find the act of it soothing."
"You need to be soothed?" I asked, incredulously.
He laughed again, this time, meeting my eyes as he drew in one more pull of the burning tobacco.
"We all need to be soothed, Edward," his voice drawled, thick and smooth like clover honey. "Some of us just need more soothing than others."
He made no attempt to hide what he was implying. He was angry about Bella. But what I couldn't figure out was why.
"What do you want?" I asked. "Why are you here? I haven't seen or heard from you in years. Why now, Jasper?"
He stared at me, his eyes giving away none of his thoughts. And that was when I heard it.
"Bella."
Her name was a whisper on the lips of his thoughts.
Not Jasper…Jacob.
The thoughts were sexual; driven by lust and something else.
Something desperate.
Something sad.
My mind immediately reeled at the idea of him thinking of her in that way. I knew he had, of course. I'd heard it when he stood on her porch. Imagining her, soft and wet and naked beneath him. It angered me then. Then, when I'd only seen her. Then, when I merely stood off in the shadows, wanting desperately to know who she was.
But now, it was completely different. Now, I knew what she felt like beneath my hands. Now, I knew how she molded against me in my arms, the way her breath felt against my neck, the way she tasted on my tongue and the way her sweet, hot pussy covered and coaxed my cock.
Now, she was mine.
It wasn't until I listened closer, that I heard his thoughts shifting. His thoughts were no longer of Bella – not in that way. They were of someone else. And as they shifted, the thoughts of the other woman made themselves known and hers, as well as his, were tangled and wrapped around each other. Sad and lonely, needy and wanting. While Bella was in the background of their minds, she possessed a place of regret and guilt that was completely overshadowed by the way that they were feeling for each other…the way that each of them needed each other.
The thoughts of the human mind were nothing surprising to me. Not after all my years of being forced to listen and hear the in and outs of what people were thinking. The tone of this was heartbreaking. Both of them lonely. Both of them feeling like this was an outlet – a fleeting moment to mask and dull the pain of being alone. Yet, it quickly gave way to the euphoria of the feeling wanted. The joy of being desired. And of desiring that person in return.
I knew that feeling.
The heartbreak turning to rapture.
The physical reaction to the knowledge that someone finally wanted you.
Jacob wanted this woman. He wanted her so much…and she wanted him in return.
I heard his gasp as he entered her body. I could feel his pleasure as she surrounded him with heat and blood-filled flesh. He wanted her so much and as he covered her mouth with his, he breathed in her breath and sucked in her air. And what began as a desperate attempt to find comfort and forget about their pain, suddenly became an act of giving into something they never knew they wanted. And wanting only the person in their arms.
I was astounded by the emotion that was so raw and real and pure.
And then he said her name.
"Alice."
It was a whisper and sigh.
It was saying out loud what he was actually feeling inside.
It was her…and no one else.
Not Bella.
Just her.
But as surely as I'd heard her name, Jasper heard it, too. In a flash, he'd pushed himself from the wall and he was heading inside. Everything happened quickly, then. I heard them say Bella's name and I knew she'd seen them together. And while I couldn't hear her thoughts, I could only imagine what she was feeling. I followed quickly behind Jasper, telling him to stop. But he wouldn't listen.
He would not be deterred.
When we entered the bar, my eyes immediately landed on the woman who'd changed my life. Her head was down and I wanted to hear her, wanted to know what she was thinking, but I couldn't.
I couldn't hear her.
I couldn't see her eyes.
Until…
Until…
Brown and deep and beautiful, they looked up and found me. And in that moment, all thoughts of everything else around me fell away. She registered Jasper, but her eyes held mine for just a moment…barely a second. And then she ran to me, before falling in my arms.
Her small and fragile body trembled in my arms. I fought back the intense anger and insecurity from thinking that she was upset because of Jacob. I tried so hard to remember that it wasn't him that she wanted, but me.
She fucking wanted me.
She'd given herself to me over and over again.
She told me she loved me. Declared it countless times.
I focused on that – and in that truth – I found my calm.
She was my calm.
Jacob and Alice ran from the bathroom behind her, the smell of their sex obvious to me. Both of them were disheveled and flushed, making apparent to everyone watching, what had been going on between the two of them. Everyone's thoughts were so frantic and rushed. And even with my ability, I found it hard to focus on them all.
Jacob's shame mixed with confusion.
Emmett and Rosalie's disbelief of what transpired.
Alice's guilt quickly replaced by shock as she saw Jasper.
And Jasper…
Jasper's rage, as he stared back at her.
"You're a fucking whore," he hissed. His posture was guarded and defensive. The line of his jaw was as rigid as the stone of his body. "You fucked him in a bathroom? You fucked him?"
I could hear the collective gasp of everyone standing around at his words. But he didn't care. His mind raced and in his own anger, his thoughts were as clear and loud as they were unguarded. I saw the memory of his interaction with her. He had been fascinated…enamored even. I saw her eyes in his mind. Wide and grey and completely dazzled by his presence. But when she spoke to him, he shut her down. He told her he wasn't interested, when in truth, he was. He was taken with her. Her quirky spirit, her quiet beauty. But he ran from her that night. He ran from her, knowing that he could never allow himself to be with her.
Not in that way.
Not in any way.
Jacob stepped up. His presence large and foreboding. He should have been considered threatening, frightening. But not to me…and certainly not to Jasper. He grasped Jasper by the collar and pushed him against the wall. And to my immense surprise, he stood there doing nothing. Nothing, but looking at his enemy with contempt and disgust.
"I don't know who the fuck you think you are," Jacob growled, "but if you ever talk to her like that again, you will never talk again."
Jasper sneered. To anyone looking, he would have appeared the epitome of control. But I knew better. His control was slipping, barely hanging on by a single strand. And I was scared. I knew that without a moment's notice, Jasper could kill him before anyone knew what happened.
And he wanted to.
Was going to.
So, releasing Bella and pushing her back, I stepped in.
"Back off, Jacob," I said calmly. "Now."
He turned quickly, releasing Jasper and staring at me. His brown eyes were wild and angry. He looked to Bella, then back to me. I listened as he put the pieces of the truth together in his mind. I could see her hand as he watched it, reaching out to me. Pain registered for a moment, but it didn't last for long.
"And who the fuck are you?" he said lowly.
"I'm trying to help you," I said.
My eyes never left his, but I was aware of Jasper and his location. His thoughts were still running rampant. I – in all the decades I'd known him – had never seen him so unnerved.
"I don't need your fucking help," he said. "Especially not with him."
He turned back to Jasper, and my hands reached out to stop him. He turned on me then, throwing a punch that landed on my jaw. The pain didn't register because there was none, but I could hear the crunching as the bones in his fingers broke.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" he hissed.
Jasper laughed maniacally in the background before stepping forward.
"Care to try that on me," he drawled slowly, his southern accent thick and taunting. "Or don't you want to break another hand over this fucking whore."
His eyes leered at Alice who stood there crying, but her tears weren't the ones I cared about. I could only hear Bella as she began to cry. Softly…earnestly. And my frozen heart shattered like ice, when I realized that this – all of this – was my fault.
I moved then, gripping Jasper by the arm. I might not be able to stop what had already happened, but I could prevent anything further. We were so close to being discovered. No one had put the pieces together in their minds, but I knew that Jacob would know that something wasn't right.
"Jasper," I said quietly. "Get the fuck out. He might not be able to stop you, but I fucking can."
"You would choose her over me?" he asked, not caring how loud he was speaking. "You would do that Edward? After everything we've been through?"
"There isn't a choice," I said, meaning it. Bella was my life now. And I would protect her from anything. Even if it meant protecting her friends. "Now, go."
"This isn't over," he said darkly. "This isn't over at all."
The threat resonated in his tone and his words. And the look in his eyes scared me, terrified me. Resignation read clearly on his face, but his thoughts were only flashes of unreadable darkness. Quietly, he retreated. And as he left the bar, I was left with the shocked faces of the five remaining people…and four questioning minds.
But Bella's mind remained silent.
"I don't know who you are," Emmett stepped up and said, "but I think you need to go."
I looked at him and acknowledged my agreement. I turned around to find Bella, still standing behind me, with her hand reached out toward mine. I was just about to reach for her when he added, "I think Bella should stay here."
My entire being tensed and all at once, this man became a threat to me. I couldn't leave, not without her. I wouldn't. Not when I'd just found her. Not when she was everything important in the world to me.
She was everything.
"I agree," said Rose. "Bella, I think you should stay."
Her arm was still outstretched, her hand and fingers still reaching. And I didn't know what I should do. Maybe they were right. Maybe she needed to stay. My own mind blocked out the thoughts around me as I struggled to decide what I should do. Jasper had been right, as well. None of this would have happened, if not for me. If not for my presence in her world. I was exactly what he said. A monster, who would bring nothing but pain and darkness and death to her beautiful life.
Time suspended and froze in that moment. I allowed my unneeded breathing to stop. And my heart that she had so lovingly, passionately and gently put back together, shattered at the thought of leaving her.
I didn't want to do it.
It would fucking break me to do it.
But for her, I would die a thousand deaths.
I would walk away, even as it killed me…if it was what she wanted.
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"No!" she cried. "No!"
Her voice was rough and filled with tears and my eyes shot up to meet hers.
"No!" she said again.
"Bella," I whispered, but before her name completely escaped my lips, her hand was in mine.
Squeezing.
Pressing.
Holding onto me the way I wanted to hold onto her. So, I squeezed back gently, careful not to hurt her. And everyone else fell away. She was in my arms and I was holding her, not caring what they thought or what they said. She belonged to me and I belonged to her. Her words from my house replayed in my mind. She told me this was fated. She said we were meant to find each other. Everything that happened had a purpose.
And she was fucking right.
"I'm coming with you," she said. "I'm coming," she said louder. "You're not going to leave me."
"Never," I whispered against her hair, low enough that only she could hear. She trembled in my arms and though I couldn't warm her, I pulled her closer. I needed to feel her beautiful heart beating against my chest. "Never."
"I meant what I said," she turned and spoke to Emmett and Rosalie. "I am not a child and I'm leaving with Edward."
Wet, brown eyes looked at me and I couldn't contain the relief and love that flooded my mind…and maybe even my heart.
"Please," she whispered. "I need you to take me away from here. I...I just can't be here right now."
I nodded my head in agreement, still ignoring the people surrounding us. Their thoughts were clear, but I didn't care. Even though none of them trusted me, I knew that I would never hurt her. That I would protect her with my life. And I knew, in all actuality, I was the only one capable of protecting her now.
I led her to the door, but Jacob called her name.
"Bella?"
It was a question.
It was a plea.
To stay…to forgive.
"Bella, I'm sorry," Alice added. "I'm so sorry."
And it was then, that she stopped. She slowly turned around and she looked at her friends. First Emmett and Rose, then Jacob and finally Alice.
"Don't be," she said simply.
And then we were gone.
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We were twenty minutes outside of Forks when I looked down at her. She had been silent, but pressed up against me. Her head was on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my waist as I drove her old, beat up truck. She hadn't said anything on the short drive, but I wanted to know if she was alright.
I wanted to know what she was thinking.
"Are you okay?" I whispered.
She only nodded her head, not saying anything. I placed a kiss on the top of her hair. I breathed in her lilac and honeyed-rain scent. I wanted her words, but her actions were enough. It was then; I felt her hand trail up my stomach. She placed her palm on my chest before undoing the top few buttons of my shirt. She pulled it apart and placed a small, soft, wet kiss directly over my silent heart. And once again, she pieced it back together.
"If it could beat," I thought to myself, as she wrapped her arms back around me, "it absolutely would for you."
And then, for the first time since we left, she looked up at me.
Love.
Passion.
Acceptance.
I saw it all in her eyes.
Again.
Every fucking time.
"I know," she said. "Mine beats for you, too."
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A/N
Reviews are love.
Please leave me some.
Thank you for reading and for every sigle review, message and tweet you send me about this story. I love you all and your words.
Thanks to my soulmate and bestie, Marvar, whom I love more than Rob. You have no idea how much better she makes my writing. Really, she is a goddess…in so many ways.
Thanks to ltlerthqak for pre-reading while Raina is out of the country. I love and appreciate you so much, bb! *kisskiss*
I will be out of the country, as well. I am going away for ten days. I will try to update before I leave, but it might not be until I get back. Thanks for sticking with me. And this story.