What Speaks in Darkness Chapter 21: Apparition, a twilight fanfic

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Chapter 20

There are few words in the world that inspire deep, visceral reactions in a man. Especially a man in my world. Having never really been inside my world – only existing on the sides and lurking in the darkened shadows – I couldn't really understand the power of the word that was running on a constant loop in my mind.

Mate.

Bella was my mate. The mate of my body, the mate of my soul…the mate of my mind.

She could read my mind.

The one thing that I had considered a curse to my own existence was the singular thing that showed me that I was not alone in the world. And the understanding that she could hear me – could read my mind and know my thoughts – was like a brilliant and blinding light cast over the darkness of my never-ending existence. And the limitless expanse of time that once felt oppressing and damned would never be long enough as long as she was by my side.

I had to tell her. She had to know. I wanted to take her and change her and make her like me. I wanted her to be mine forever. I could only desperately hope that she would feel the same – that she would want me in the same way. And I knew it was selfish. I knew that the right thing would have been to allow her to remain in her world. Safe from the darkness of mine. But I couldn't help but wonder if all of this was somehow fated by a god I thought had forsaken me so long ago.

I was meant to find her.

And she was meant to hear me.

To see me.

To know and understand me when no one else had in nearly a century.

Yes, Bella was my mate.

~x~

As my mind trembled with realization, my body trembled with hunger. Bella was tucked and snuggled into my side. Her pink lips were swollen from our kisses and parted slightly as she breathed warm, wet air across my chest. The air escaped in a soothing rhythm – in and out, peace and repletion. Her lashes splayed across the dark circles under her eyes. She needed to rest and I felt a sharp pang of guilt as I considered that her exhaustion was because of me. I looked in the rear-view mirror. I had dark circles of my own, not because I was tired, but because I was starving. My cheeks were hollow, my face emaciated. My eyes were as black as the night we were surrounded by. I needed to feed. And I needed to do it soon.

I checked us into a hotel in Port Angeles, keeping my eye on the truck the entire time. Bella was still resting and I couldn't really carry her inside while I paid for the room. Even though I could still see her, I felt a gnawing pressure in the pit of my stomach. I knew the only way to keep her safe was by keeping her with me. Once we were in the room and she was sleeping, I could quickly run out to hunt. I didn't want to leave her – especially not after what had happened – but I knew I needed strength that only came from the blood of another living thing.

I carried her limp, fragile body up the stairs and settled her on the bed. She seemed so frail…so fragile. But I knew that wasn't truly the case. She was so strong. She had shown more courage than anyone I'd ever known. But that didn't matter. I still wanted to protect her. Would die, doing so, if I had to. It was this primal, animalistic urge…and I embraced it.

She was my mate.

She was mine.

Completely.

She woke briefly and I told her I needed to feed. She wanted to come with me. She couldn't possibly know that there was no way she could be around me while I hunted. Even though her blood didn't call to me, her heart still beat, pumping thick, red liquid that my body would instinctually view as sustenance. She wouldn't be safe.

"Please…just rest," I begged her. "For me," I added in my mind.

As if she knew what I needed, her eyes closed again as she drifted back to sleep. I wanted to reach out and touch her once more before I left, but I was afraid I would wake her again. Taking one last look at her, I whispered, "I'll be quick…and Bella, I love you."

So much.

I love you so much.

~x~

As I stepped outside the door, a sweeping chill ran through my body, twining and curling as it wrapped its way around me like a vine. I paused, listening to the air around me. There were no sounds but the night…no thoughts for me to speak of. I could hear the breathing of those in rooms around me. Some were deep and relaxed, others were shallow and fitful…all were the sound of humans sleeping. Taking a deep breath, I settled myself. Bella would be fine. But I would be quick.

Just like I promised.

I ran as fast as my feet could carry me to a deserted park we'd passed on the way in. I knew I would be able to find something there. I paused, deeper in to the park. I listened for the sound of life around me. There was nothing…no movement…no breath…no beating heart.

Nothing.

I moved in even deeper, heading for the woods.

I was ravenous. The hunger in my body eclipsing almost everything else I felt. I'd gone longer without eating before. Especially in the beginning of my life as a vampire. But this was different. My body needed to feed…needed to feel the fresh rush of blood in my system. I needed the strength the blood gave me, so that I could go back and care for Bella the way I needed to. Be with Bella the way that I needed to.

Fuck.

Just thinking about her made me realize that, like me, she was probably starving as well. I'd never spent any real time with humans. And as I thought back on my time with her, I realized that I hadn't given her food once. And shame covered me because I needed to be better for her. I should have known that she would need to eat as well. And her needs were more important than mine.

Just as I was about to turn around and head back, there was a sound of a deer rusting in the bush to my left. I paused, waiting. When it didn't move again, I silently crouched down low and waited. Seconds later, the animal shot out from the trees, running quickly. But I was quicker. I took off after it and effortlessly took it to the ground, sinking my teeth in its neck.

The blood was warm and wet. I preferred something bigger, but the deer would have to do. There would be nothing more than this so close to town. But I knew that where there was one…there were more. And I was still hungry even after draining it. Revived and more alert, I listened again. Where there was one…there had to be more.

So, I waited.

Another deer ran out across the clearing in front of me, and instinctually, I took off after it. Its heart was racing as it ran. My ears were filled with the sound of the cadence of chase. It knew there was a predator and it was scared. The smell of tangy blood took over as I followed. I was right upon the animal – the kill and sustaining blood within my reach. I could drain it quickly and return to my Bella. I ran quickly and leapt forward, grasping the animal in my hands as I took us both to the ground. I struck quickly, teeth piercing flesh, and warm, rich life flooding my mouth and filling my body and making me strong.

I drank until there was nothing and listened as the heart of my prey fell silent. My body was tingling…purring as the blood surged. My muscles flexed as I effortlessly lifted the carcass to bury with the last one. Just a few more minutes and I would be back with Bella. I could hold her, naked and warm in my arms. I could watch her sleep and whisper to her unconscious mind what I was secretly afraid to say out loud when she was awake.

Please, let me change you.

Please, stay with me and be with me forever.

I love you.

I will never stop loving you.

Suddenly, something else filled my senses. Something soft, something warm…something female. I scanned the perimeter and saw nothing. The woods were still…an eerie quiet to match the darkness of the night. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath. The scent – it was still there. Floating over to me as if it were carried on a breeze. Only there was no breeze. There was just silence and calm, but the calm was living, breathing, pulsing around me.

I tried to focus, the fresh blood in my veins making me more alert, more in tune, more like the predatory creature that I was. Slowly…so fucking slowly, my eyes opened and zoned in on a tree-covered area across the way. And there in the darkness, I saw it.

I saw her.

I gasped, quickly closing my eyes because I knew it wasn't real.

This couldn't be real.

She couldn't be real.

Sixty-six years and her face had never left my mind. Not once. I would remember it always. Terrified and small. Caramel eyes that matched her hair. Soft and beautiful…and fucking drained and dying as I pulled her life into me…feeding me while I sucked and took from her what wasn't mine to take.

My whole body trembled. It wasn't fucking real. She was a memory. A sad, desperate memory of everything that was wrong and animalistic about me. I killed her. I fucking killed her and in the process, I severed the only relationship in this life that was ever important.

Until I found Bella.

It was the fresh blood…the recent kill. That had to be what was triggering this vivid memory. It was the thought of Bella and what I wanted with her that was making me think about this. Because killing the human that Carlisle was in love with was the reason that I would never be good enough for her. How could I care for and love a human for myself, when I had taken from him the woman that he loved so long ago?

My eyes opened again, knowing that the shadowy figure wouldn't be there.

It couldn't.

It wouldn't.

My eyes adjusted quickly and there across the field, she remained standing in front of me.

Caramel hair.

Wide eyes.

Esme.

I was afraid to move…terrified to look away. I knew I was having some sort of hallucination, but if I moved my eyes, she would surely disappear. But she didn't move. She didn't breathe…and she was still fucking there. Haunting me…reminding me of what I was and what I'd done to her. And then she said my name.

"Edward."

It was a whisper, it was a gasp. I watched as her hand lifted to her mouth and then I stood in staggering amazement as the apparition before me turned and fled. But why would my vision flee? Had I not created her memory in my mind as some form of self-inflicted punishment?

Before my mind could grasp it all, my body was running. I chased her into the woods, but I wasn't really sure what exactly I was chasing. Was it the face of my memory? Was it actually her? And even as I ran, my spinning and overwhelmed mind couldn't help but reason that there was no way it could be her. It couldn't be. I watched her die. I watched her breathe her last breaths as she lay limp in the arms of my maker…my damning savior.

It was as if I could hear her footfalls. Soft and quiet and equally as quick as my own. And so I followed, needing to know if she was real while deep inside, I knew that she wasn't.

She couldn't be.

And then as quickly as the chase had begun, the whooshing sound of running ceased and there was nothing but the dead silence of the night air. I stopped on a dime, my own feet digging in and sinking into the wet earth beneath me.

I listened…and nothing.

I waited…and nothing.

But the sound of my own voice filled the quiet night. Rough and broken and choking, I cried out, "Show yourself. Please…if you're real…show yourself to me."

And still there was nothing.

No ghost.

No beautiful face from my memory.

And I sank to my knees in frustration, wishing I could cry tears that would never come, as the memory of what I'd done to her came rushing back and covering me as if no time had passed at all. The pain was sharp and searing, the shame consuming. Because now I knew exactly what I'd done. I'd taken her from him. I'd killed her…Esme. The human that he loved.

And I thought about Bella. How much I loved her and what it would do to me if someone took her away from me. And just the thought of that made me violent with a rage I'd never known. It made me physically sick and desperate because I knew that now that I'd found her, I could never live without her again. That I would kill anyone who attempted to cause her harm. And just as much as I knew that, I also knew that I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve her. Not when I'd taken the woman Carlisle was in love with away from him.

I don't know how long I stayed there on the ground. My fingers hurt from the tension of gripping the wet ground beneath me and I closed my eyes, willing myself to have the strength to stand and let go of the demons from my past. I knew it was useless, this hope that I could let go, this hope that I could be good enough for the sleeping woman waiting back in the hotel room for me. And then my awareness prickled. My senses heightened and I was hearing something. I was hearing someone.

The tone was soft and sweet.

Heartbroken and questioning.

He doesn't know…

A gust of wind rushed past me and when I opened my eyes, the thoughts were gone and the woods were silent once again. Picking myself up, I tried to reason with myself that all of it had been a figment of my imagination – my own guilt and self-deprecation attempting to sabotage the only good thing to ever happen in my hopeless, endless life. And as I carried myself quietly out of the woods and back to the park, I resigned myself to the task I knew I had at hand.

I was in love with Bella.

And she was in love with me.

She knew about my past, the horrible thing I'd done and yet she still wanted me. She still fucking loved me. After everything. What I was and what I'd done had never mattered to her. Not once. So, I needed to tell her what I wanted. I needed to give her one last chance to escape me and the only life I could offer her, but the turn of that coin was the possibility that she would choose me. She would choose change and a life where I could love her as I loved her now.

Hopelessly.

Endlessly.

Forever.

The faster I ran, the more resolved I became. I could see her face behind my eyes. I could hear the husky whisper of her voice in my ear. Telling me she loved me. Telling me to take her as she offered me her body and made love to me time and time again.

She would choose me.

I knew she would choose me.

Even though I didn't deserve it. Because the way that she loved me, was the same way I loved her - entirely and with no reservation or requirement that I be anything other than what I was.

She would fucking choose me.

When I reached the edge of the parking lot, I stilled myself for a moment. Even though my body was stronger from the sustenance of the blood, my mind was still shaken and clouded from the ghost of my past. But Bella was my present and my future. She was everything and she had been all along.

Peace should have covered me at my realization, but something lurking beneath the surface struck me with anxiety. I didn't understand it. I listened to the air around me. There were no sounds…there was nothing. At the late hour, everyone was still sleeping. I tried to zone in on Bella's heart…her breath. I knew she would still be sleeping and I needed the steady thrum to soothe me. Relief flooded me for the merest hint of a moment when I hear the delicate beat of her beautiful heart. But it was suddenly replaced with panic as I realized that it wasn't the cadence of someone sleeping. It was pounding so loudly that I was surprised I didn't hear it before, but the pounding was slow. The pounding was controlled.

And panic turned to rage as flashes of someone's thoughts seeped through. They were dark and sinister, manipulative and possessed with an evil that even I had never encountered.

I flew towards the room as the southern voice from my past whispered threateningly…

"I know you want it, beautiful Bella. I can make you want it."

~x~

A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

Sorry for the delay in updating. And if you're still reading this story, I want you to know how much I appreciate your patience.

Thanks and love to my soulmate and beta, Marvar. Even though she pretends to not love cocks the size of her wrist and she makes fun of my current obsession with BDB, she is still the most amazing person that I know.

Thanks to Raina for pre-reading. She will always remain the catalyst for this story of mine.