Disclaimer:
This chapter contains subject matter that may be difficult for some to read. Though I will never write a scene containing rape, there are (sometimes) graphic descriptions of physical and emotional abuse and depictions of sexual assault.
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Chapter 21
My heart was pounding in my chest and my mouth was dry. And though I wasn't sure I was breathing, I could still smell the thick and heavy scent of smoke and bourbon. I wasn't dreaming. This was very, very real. My stomach turned as a shudder ran through me and my dry mouth filled with saliva. I was going to vomit. But just as suddenly as the feeling hit…it passed. No, not passed…the feeling disappeared completely. As if it hadn't been there to begin with.
His arms were around me and even though his hands weren't gripping me roughly, I somehow knew that I was trapped in a prison of steel that I would never be able to escape alone. His hand pressed against my stomach and then slowly made its way up my body. Inch by painstaking inch. He finally stopped, settling between my breasts. Fear consumed me as I felt his hands cover me in such an intimate place, and tears filled my eyes before spilling hot and wet over my cheeks. Because even though there was a layer of clothing between my skin and his hand, I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop him if he decided to do more.
"Shhh…" he whispered, pulling me back until I was flush against his chest. "Don't be afraid, darlin'. You need to calm down…your heart is fluttering like a hummingbird's wings." He chuckled darkly. "Although, I suppose that a hummingbird is an apt comparison to you right now. Small and nervous…beautiful."
I didn't say anything. Instead, I closed my eyes, praying that this was a terrible nightmare…hoping that I was still sleeping and that when I woke up, Edward would be with me just like he promised.
Oh, god.
Where was Edward?
But Jasper continued speaking, completely unfazed and undeterred. "You know what else is interesting about hummingbirds, Bella?"
The way he drawled out my name all slow and thick and seductive made me cringe. And I know that he felt it because he gripped me much tighter than before and his voice was rough and demanding in my ear.
"Answer me."
"No," I said, my voice sounding just as small as the animal he described. "I don't."
"It's how frail they are. They're the smallest kind of their species. Even though they're beautiful creatures, when you think about it…they're entirely vulnerable."
He was toying with me. His hands weren't moving but they were still there, surrounding me and covering my body…my heart. I tried to breathe, tried to calm myself, but I knew that it was hopeless. There was nothing I could do except pray that Edward came back soon.
"It's why their main source of sustenance is nectar from flowers," he continued. "No different than an insect, really…"
His words hung in the air and the room became stilled, silent. His hands weren't moving anymore and I could feel the pounding in my heart slow as if I were calming down.
It was a strange sensation and I didn't really understand it. It was almost like the way I felt when the doctors put me on sedatives after my parents died. This was exactly like that. My body was relaxed, but inside…inside I was screaming.
"Tell me, Bella," he said lowly. "Do you like nectar?" He laughed and moved his face closer to my neck, breathing in deeply. And even though I wanted to be tense as his nose brushed against the skin of my neck, I still couldn't. I lay there, passive and unresponsive. Terrified. "I'll bet you do. Was Edward sweet in your mouth? Did you love the way he tasted? Did you suck him while he fed you and filled your mouth? What was that like?"
And as if my too-calm body could stand it no more, tears poured from my eyes as I choked on the air I tried to breath in.
"What are you doing to me?" I asked.
"Ah-ah-ah…" he responded. "You don't get to ask questions when you still haven't answered mine."
"I don't understand," I said. "Why do you want to know? Why…why do you care?"
"Because I do," he said simply. "I'll bet he was good. I'll bet his body felt good over you, under you…inside you while you sucked him…while he fucked you. He's such a strong man, isn't he? Such a protector…"
Suddenly, he pulled away and I turned my head to face him. His body was no longer surrounding me. His hands no longer against my skin. He sat at the edge of the bed. His fingers reached his hair and he ran them through the blond locks roughly, grabbing and squeezing into fists at his roots.
I moved to cover myself with the blanket, but he ripped it out of my hands.
"You don't move unless I tell you to move," he said. "Do you understand me?"
I nodded my head, my body stilling completely at his words and his tone.
"Did he tell you about me, Bella?" he asked. "Did he tell you how we met? What he was like when I found him?"
I closed my eyes tight, clearing them of my tears and willing myself to be stronger than the weak and crying woman that I was.
"You will answer me," he said. "Did he talk to you about me?"
There was a change in him from the moments before. He was less controlled, which should have terrified me, but there was something about him that told me he was weaker. I knew I had no chance of running. I'd seen how fast Edward could move. He was a vampire like him, and there was no way I could escape. So, trying to remember the words that Edward spoke to me in his house, I answered as calmly as I could. But even then, my voice shook with fear.
"He said that his life was isolating. And that you were from his past…a friend."
He laughed then. Manically. The sound was piercing and pained and as his black eyes looked at me, terror and dread struck me down and paralyzed me with fear.
"I wasn't his friend," he hissed. "I was his fucking savior."
There was such venom and bitterness in his tone, but before I could try to understand where the anger was coming from, he continued to speak.
"Did he tell you how I found him? Who he was? What he was doing?"
I thought back to the things Edward had shared with me about his past. Mostly about his change and the way he'd killed the woman his maker was in love with. Esme. I remembered the shame, the utter devastation on his beautiful face as he recounted the ordeal to me. I remembered how I felt so angry that his maker would have left him alone in that alley, when he should have known that it was obviously too soon.
He hadn't shared too much about Jasper. I'd only ever gotten the feeling that there was a deep history there. And I knew that whenever he'd spoken of him, even when he was telling me that he didn't think that Jasper would hurt Alice, there was an underlying fear there. And sitting in the room looking at the man, his black eyes piercing my own, I understood why Edward had been afraid. But even in the face of my fear, I would never have shared his personal thoughts. Not one single fucking word.
"Of course he didn't," Jasper said, pulling me from my thoughts of Edward. "I'm sure he wanted to keep that under wraps. Well, I think you should know who I am to him…what I did for him…"
He paused as if he were trying to think of the words to say, but as I watched him, it became apparent to me that he was trying to come up with words. He seemed to be reliving some sort of memory.
"When I found Edward, he was pathetic. Starving and broken and all but waiting for death. He had dark circles under his eyes that looked like bruises. His eyes were hollow and black – I could tell he hadn't fed in months. Hungry. He was so fucking hungry."
There was another pause. This time, he looked at me. His eyes were hard, the features of his face like stone. His expression was malevolent as if he hated me, but I couldn't understand why.
"I never would have found him," he continued. "Except that…well…I have certain…abilities."
I didn't know what he was talking about, but I wondered if all vampires had gifts…or powers. Edward could read minds. Even if he couldn't read mine, he'd told me that I was the only exception.
"In the weeks leading up to me finding him, I could sense something. Only I didn't know what it was. It was this oppressing sorrow. This weakness. It…it affected me. Greatly."
His eyes were still on me and for some reason, I felt exposed. Like I was naked before him. Not physically, but emotionally. Could Jasper hear my thoughts? Was his gift like Edward's?
"You're afraid," he said, shifting closer to me. I could feel his hands press into the mattress as he moved closer to me. He was kneeling beside me, his knees touching my hip. He pushed me back on the bed, forcing me down. He wasn't rough, but I understood that there was no fighting him. He leaned over me, placing both of his hands on either side of my head. He breathed in deeply and then whispered in my ear. "I like it. Your fear…it's captivating. It feeds me. And I haven't fed in so long."
"Please don't hurt me," I whispered.
He laughed darkly, and the sound chilled me and made me sick. And then I felt something cold and wet against my neck. He was licking me, lapping at my skin and then my ear. Fear and nausea rolled inside me and I felt the bile from my empty stomach rise and burn the back of my throat.
"I promise, Bella." The way he said my name was contemptuous – dripping with acid and hate. I didn't understand why he hated me. He didn't even know me. "I'll make sure it doesn't hurt…much."
All the breath I had left my body in one gust, and my body undulated in panic as I realized what was going to happen. Sickening, dark images pervaded my mind.
He was going to rape me.
He was going to rape me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
The body is a fascinating thing. And even more the mind. Both of mine shut down in that instant. The threat of violation and the crippling knowledge that I was unable to prevent it forced me withdraw completely into myself.
With my eyes closed, the strangest calming sensation covered me. And even though I was still so fucking scared, images of the good things in my life filtered through behind my lids. I saw my friends: Jacob and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett. I saw my parents – their faces so clear. And a part of me wondered if I would see them again in death. If Jasper was going to kill me, too.
And then I saw Edward.
Beautiful and broken and so in love with me.
The sense of calm increased as I held on to the vision of him behind my eyes. I could see the way he looked at me – could remember the way his eyes held mine on the first night we were together. I'd thought he was a dream. Thought he was ghost I'd created in my mind. He was too perfect to be real. Not just in his ethereal beauty, but in the reverent way he looked at me. Like I something special…something beautiful, too.
The sharp and blinding pain of Jasper slapping my face pulled me from my thoughts. My eyes opened and stung with tears as the shock that he'd actually hit me forced me to suck in a gulping breath of air.
"Peace is undesirable, Bella," he said. "Your fear tasted so much better. Besides, I haven't finished telling you my little story. You need to know…to understand why this is happening to you. You want to understand, don't you? He could have prevented this, you know. He could have stopped all of this from happening…but he didn't."
He moved to my side, no longer leaning over me. I didn't know what I should do. I didn't think I should move. Not even to lift my hand to the burning welt that must have been on my cheek. I could feel it swelling and the heat of my tears only served to enflame the pain further.
"Now," he drawled. "Back to my story. It's a good story. Though maybe not an entirely happy one. But we don't know the ending yet, do we?"
I just shook my head, not really understanding him and his scattered thoughts.
"Like I was saying…before you distracted me…I could sense something weak and sad and desperate in my building. I didn't know what it was or where it was coming from, but I knew that I needed to find it. I was drawn to it.
"I've been around a long time, Bella. A very long time. A lot longer than Edward. Edward, by most comparisons is still young for our kind. Anyway…in my many years on this earth, I've studied and learned many things. But because of my…gift….well, the study and practice of psychology was always the most fascinating.
"So, needless to say, when I sensed that kind of pain and anguish, I was immediately drawn to it. Had to find it. I spent nights trying to pinpoint the location. It wasn't easy. My ability only helps me so much. Plus, there was the unfortunate hindrance of coexisting with humans. It wasn't as if I could knock on a door and ask if someone inside was desperate and hurting. That's not very conducive to blending in.
"I became obsessed with the pain I was sensing...feeling. It wasn't my pain, obviously…but I felt it as if it were. And then one day, the feeling just…stopped. There was nothing. No emotion…no pain. Just nothing. I figured that the person must have killed themselves…or maybe died of natural causes. And even though there was relief in the loss of the pain, I found that I missed it."
Jasper was fucked up. There was nothing right or sane about him. Looking at him as he spoke only cemented my fate in my mind. He was going to hurt me…possibly kill me. And even in the middle of my understanding, all I could think about was Edward. He said he'd found Edward. The pain Jasper was describing had been from Edward.
"I was putting some files in storage in the basement," he continued, "and that was when I found him. I already told you the condition he was in, so I don't think we need to revisit that. But what was amazing to me was that he was a vampire like me. And even in his state…his sad, harrowing state…he was still beautiful. There was something delicate about him. Something I wanted to take care of. Something I wanted to be mine…"
My mind reeled at his words and I heard myself gasp. I didn't mean to make a sound, but I couldn't help it. His eyes shot to mine and darkened.
"Yes," he hissed slowly…like a snake. "I suppose the secret's out now. There's no need to hide it from you. Besides, I think it's only appropriate that you know why you remaining in his life is an impossibility."
"But he…" I started, before covering my lips with my hand.
"What?" Jasper said. "You think he doesn't love me? There are many forms of love, Bella. Surely, even as a human, you understand that. And one of the strongest kinds of love stems from gratitude and obligation. And Edward has an obligation to me, Bella. I fucking saved him. I took him in after that fucking doctor changed him and allowed him to run off. I nursed him back to health. Helped him work through his issues. Fuck, I even changed my own diet to make him happy because he refused to feed from humans after what happened to him."
His eyes slowly took in the line of my body, his terrifying stare meeting my eyes and causing me to tremble. Not that I'd ever stopped.
"He is in my debt, Bella. Don't you ever forget it. And I could have made him feel things for me. I could have manipulated his emotions for my own benefit. But I want him to come to me freely. It wasn't as if we didn't have a literal eternity for him to choose me. I was willing to wait. Would've waited for him forever. I never once doubted that he would eventually come to me…until I found out about you. And that he'd come here…for them."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was having a difficult time putting all the pieces together in my mind. None of it made sense – and yet, now that I knew what Jasper felt about Edward – all of it made sense. He was in love with him. He was in love with Edward and he had been for a very long time. And he saw me as a threat to what he wanted to happen. But I didn't know who they were.
"Them?" I asked without thinking
In a flash, he was over me, straddling my thighs and sitting on my lap. It all happened so quickly, I didn't even see him move.
"Don't play stupid, Bella," he said. "I know he told you about them. About his maker. The good doctor and Esme. And I know that's why Edward is here."
His hands began to trace along my sides, up across my shoulders and then his hands covered my throat that constricted with fear.
"They came looking for him, you know," he said. "It was about a year after I'd found him. They'd tracked him until they reached a dead-end. I was the dead-end. You see, Edward thought he killed her…but he didn't. He just started the change. Carlisle allowed it to take place. He saved her. And I knew that if Edward knew the truth…he would want to be with them. After all, Carlisle was his maker. Not to mention the fact that if he knew he hadn't actually killed that woman, he would have nothing left to feel guilty about. There would be nothing left for him to ashamed of."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Esme was alive. She was alive, and Jasper knew. This whole fucking time he knew. And even though he would probably kill me for what I was about to say, I had to fucking say it.
"If you loved him…why?" I asked. "Why would you want the person you love to suffer like that? It must have killed him. It kills him still!"
My heart was broken for the man that I loved. I could still hear his voice...could see the devastation and shame on his face…and all of it was for nothing. His entire existence of feeling unloved and alone. He'd gone for decades feeling as if he didn't deserve love, when the whole time – the entire fucking time – he'd had it. And he'd hated himself for nothing.
Looking at the monster over me, something snapped. I didn't care that he would kill me, because I wanted to kill him. I wanted him to suffer the way he'd made Edward suffer all these years. He was sick to the point of being a sociopath. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong. He only wanted what was good for him. And it made me hate him. He didn't love Edward. He didn't know what love was.
"Don't you judge me, you self-righteous bitch," he growled. "Even now, you hate me because of what I've done. You want to kill me…you want me to hurt the way you think I've hurt Edward. I can feel it. Your emotions read so clearly. Love makes you capable of many things. And you know nothing about the way I love him. You're incapable of the kind of love we feel."
He stopped abruptly, closing his eyes and leaning over me. His mouth brushed my own and I closed my lips instinctively.
"But he loves you," he whispered. "At least…he thinks he loves you. So, maybe…maybe…if I can fuck you the way that he fucked you…I can understand. And he'd never have to know."
His hands moved from my neck to my hair. His fingers ran through the strands on the pillow before moving to my scalp.
"I could kill you after," he said against my ear. "I could kill you and tell him that I came to see him. I could tell him that I slipped…that I'd fucked up and drained you. You know…the way he drained Esme. He would be angry…but he would have to understand. I could make him understand that I couldn't help it."
He sat up. I could feel the weight of his body pressing against my middle. My body was frozen. Frozen and afraid as I braced myself for what was about to happen. This was it. He was going to kill me. I was going to die in this unfamiliar hotel room at the hands of this man.
For the first time in my too-short life, I was thankful for the way my parents met the end of their lives. It was fast and without notice. They didn't have time to think about who and what they were leaving behind. And my only hope was that I would be with them again soon. But even with that hope, I knew that I would be leaving Edward behind and he would never know the truth of what happened to him. He would never know that he didn't kill Esme. He would never know that the man who changed him didn't hate him. That he loved him and even came to look for him.
"Did he fuck your mouth, beautiful Bella?" he said. "Did you suck him off? Did he come inside? What did he taste like?"
His vile words made me sick and I should have felt the bile rise again, but there was nothing. Just Jasper on top of me and the same forced calm I'd felt before. My beating heart slowed as the unnatural serenity enveloped me. But even then…my mind was my own. And so were my words.
"I will never tell you what it was like to be with Edward," I said slowly as tears poured from my eyes. I could feel the stream trickle down my face, dripping into my ears. "Because you…you would never understand it. But even if you kill me, you have to know that he will never…he will never love you the way that he loved me. And you can take my body, but it will never be what I gave to him."
I could feel his erection pressing against my stomach. I wondered how – if he was in love with another man – how could he be aroused by me at all?
But then…
My body began to tingle…I could feel heat between my legs. And my mind screamed and raged against the way I was feeling physically. I didn't want this…didn't want him. Why was I responding this way?
Jasper laughed as if he knew what I was feeling. His hands moved from my hair and down to my breasts. He cupped them in his hands, and his thumbs rubbed across my nipples.
"I'm going to lean back, darlin'," he said lowly. "And when I do, you're going to unbutton this shirt and let me see you…all of you."
I shook my head. He might force me, but I would never willingly give him anything.
I would sooner die.
He gripped me roughly, my soft flesh collapsing under his hard hands. It hurt and I wanted to cry out in pain, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. His sinister smile spoke volumes as he slid back further on my thighs. And he did nothing but stare at me for the longest time. I tried to retreat into my mind once more, but I was afraid that he would just hit me again to bring me back. So, I lay there silent and unmoving, holding his eyes with mine and waiting for whatever fate that was to come.
And then he spoke.
"I know you want it, beautiful Bella. I can make you want it."
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I don't know if there are words to describe what I felt when the door to the room pushed open. I can't begin to tell you what I saw. Everything happened so quickly…too quickly. And yet, at the same time, it didn't happen quickly enough.
There was a gust of ice cold air and I heard the roar of Edward's voice just as I felt the weight of Jasper's body pulled from mine. I heard the strangled cry of my name from his mouth and a crashing sound against what I assumed was the wall.
The room spun…my world spun. And I thought that somehow, during all of the commotion, just the knowledge that he was there would be enough to center me and keep me from falling to pieces.
But I was wrong.
I was so fucking wrong.
I couldn't stop shaking and wracking sobs overtook my body. It felt like every nerve I had was on fire. I felt as though every single emotion I was capable of was released, flooding the space around me as I drowned in them.
But still, I gasped for air.
There were voices and I could hear them, but I couldn't make out what was being said. The windows were shaking like the floor, but I knew that couldn't be right. Because what could make that happen?
And then I realized that my lungs were too small and I couldn't take in enough air. My chest burned and hurt as my mind and body continued to rage against itself. It was too much. It was all too much. And I wasn't sure I was okay even though I knew on some level that I was.
I closed my eyes tight, but when I did, I could see his eyes. Jasper's dark eyes. He was looking at me, but it wasn't real. It couldn't be real.
It just felt real.
It felt so fucking real.
And just like that, his hands were on my body again and I began to scream. Even though his hands were different. Even though, this time, they were gentle and not rough. This time, they were soothing and not hurtful. I couldn't stop screaming and I couldn't open my eyes.
And then there was nothing.
No sound.
No air.
Nothing.
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A/N
Reviews are love.
And even though I know this was a tough chapter, please still leave me some love.
Marvar is amazing. And not in the generic way that you say someone is amazing. She is literally amazing. This chapter has about 117 of her hard limits and she still beta'd and offered me constructive feedback. Along with holding my hand and discussing this with me while I wrote it.
ILYSFM, soulmate. Thank you for everything.
Raina is the best pre-reader ever. And my very dear friend. That's all.
A lot of questions were answered in this chapter. And I know there are still some more left to go. Thank you for sticking with me this long. I appreciate and adore each of you that take the time to read my words.
Love, Cosmo
::runs to hide::