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Chapter 23

Shut down.

My body and mind completely shut down as I fell asleep in Edward's arms. I didn't know where we were or why the space seemed so safe. Maybe it was the warmth of the room or the delicate fragrance of the soap that still lingered on my skin and his. Maybe it was simply him. His arms, his comfort, and in the end, maybe it was just his love. But whatever it was, my body understood that I was protected. That I was safe. It understood more than my heart and mind…and I rested.

If I moved, I didn't know.

If I dreamed, I couldn't remember.

The drapes in the room were closed when I woke, but I could see the hint of daylight peeking through the fabric. I didn't know what time it was or how long I'd slept; I only knew that Edward was still in the same place he'd been when I'd fallen asleep in his arms. I was wrapped in the softest sheets and blankets I'd ever felt and Edward lay naked on top of them. My head was on his chest and my hand was on his stomach and without thinking, I began to stroke his smooth, cool skin.

"You're awake," he whispered.

I simply nodded my head and continued petting him, fascinated by the way his body responded to my touch. The way his abdomen clenched…the way his muscles flexed. Nothing more was said and after a few moments, I turned my head up toward him and met his yellow eyes. They were soft. Piercing. There was so much concern and love and I knew that no matter what happened to me the night before, Edward had saved my life.

And the truth was Edward had saved my life the first moment I saw his name spelled out on the Ouija board.

"I'm sorry," I heard him say. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

Only I was looking at him, and he wasn't speaking at all. I could hear him just as if he was, though. Just as vividly as if he'd said the words out loud. I still couldn't understand how that worked…and why it only worked with him.

"Please don't," I whispered to him, looking him in the eyes so he would know I meant it. "Don't be sorry. Please…just…please, just don't."

Both of us took a moment to acknowledge silently that I could hear him. His thoughts.

"I never should have left you."

"You couldn't have known what would happen," I said. "There's no way you could have known…I mean…you didn't know what he was…capable of."

Darkness covered me as I remembered the things Jasper said to me. The ways in which he'd manipulated and controlled Edward for so long. The way he'd lied and deceived…

Oh, God…

Edward still didn't know.

Twisting quickly in his arms, I sat up and faced him. His face fell, but still he reached out to me. I had to tell him. He still didn't know the truth. He didn't know that Esme was still alive. That he hadn't killed her.

"Bella?" he asked. "Bella, what's wrong?"

"Oh, Edward," I said, stupid tears filling my eyes. I wiped at them furiously, needing so much to be strong for him. "There are things…things I need to tell you. Things you need to know."

Panic crossed his face as I spoke. A kind of fear that I'd never seen from Edward before. And then he sat up and pulled me against him, holding me close to the point that he was crushing me.

"He didn't…" he said, gripping me tightly, "I got there in time…before he could….he didn't…hurt you, did he, Bella?"

His eyes grew darker as he looked at me. Filled with concern and a pain that was angry and dark. Just like Jasper.

"No," I told him softly. "He didn't hurt me. Not like that. Not in the way you're thinking about."

I paused, wondering if I should tell him exactly what happened. Considering how much he actually needed to know. The truth was, what Jasper had done to me was the most brutal and terrifying thing that had ever happened to me. But only physically. And I knew that telling Edward everything would cause him a great deal of pain and guilt. And the simple truth was, if I had it within my power to keep him from suffering anymore, that was exactly what I was going to do. Jasper – even in his death – would hold no more control over Edward.

I would see to it.

I wouldn't allow it.

Not when I was safe. Not when everything was okay and I was with him…wherever we were.

Edward sat up fully and I settled into his embrace. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, pressing my face into the curve where his neck met his shoulder. And I breathed. Deeply. And with each breath, my resolve grew as well as my returning strength.

"He did hurt you," he whispered, the soft, soothing sound of his voice breaking through his thoughts. "You should never have been hurt. You should never be hurt. You…you've had enough pain in your life and I'm so sorry that my presence has only caused you more."

"Stop that," I said against his cool skin. I pressed three soft kissed to his neck and felt his tensing muscles as he swallowed. Then, I pulled back so I could look into his eyes. "Don't you know? There is nothing I wouldn't endure for you. Nothing, Edward. What happened last night was horrible. But you came back. You got there in time and he wasn't able to…" my words halted as if they were unable to even voice what Jasper would have done. I held his gaze, felt him in my arms. Could hear the heavy weight he carried and I hated that he was burdened so much with all of this. Hated even more that over the course of his entire life…he'd felt this way. Was made to feel this way. "You made sure he didn't really hurt me. And if last night had to happen so that you…so that we…could get some peace, I would go through it all again."

"I never wanted you to get hurt," he said. "Since the moment I met you… Fuck. Since the moment I first saw you, I wanted to protect you. I…I wanted to know you. I wanted to love you, Bella. Even in the beginning." His hand reached up and pushed my hair from my face. His touch was soft. Reverent. It made me want to cry. "I didn't understand it, then. The protective urge…the curious desire. I'd never felt it before. But the moment I touched you, the moment I held your sleeping body in my arms…I knew. My heart knew…even if my mind didn't. And I can't help but feel like I failed you last night. I never should have left you unprotected. I should have…I should have known. I should have heard him…but I didn't."

"Listen to me, Edward," I told him, bringing my hand up to his and covering it. "You can't protect me all the time. And as much as I want to, I can't protect you either. Not constantly. What happened last night…well, it happened. There's no taking it back. It was awful and it was scary. But I made it through…and I made it through because of you. We made it through together."

I held his gaze, wanting him to see the truth of my words. And his golden orbs were intense and questioning. Like, he wasn't sure I believed what I was saying. His thoughts were scattered and rampant, but they were reflected in his eyes. But that just wasn't an option. He fucking had to believe me.

"You didn't kill Esme," I blurted out. I couldn't keep the words in any longer. He needed to know. He needed to understand and he deserved to be able to release the pain and guilt that he'd carried with him for so long. "You didn't…you didn't kill her."

I waited for his surprise…for the vehement contradiction that I knew was coming. But it didn't. There was no staggering shock on his face….nothing stunned about his thoughts. I didn't understand. I remembered the way he'd broken down when I held him in my arms at his house…when he finally told me his story. But he just looked at me with soft eyes that penetrated me…down to my very soul.

He knew.

He knew the truth.

I just didn't know how.

"Bella," he whispered, pushing my tangled hair away from my face. "I know the truth. Now. Now I know the truth."

"But…but how?" I asked him, my voice shaking. "Did he… Did Jasper tell you? Because he did tell me. He told me everything. He told me how he…found you."

Images of what Jasper described filled my head. Pictures of Edward and how broken he was. I remembered how desperate and sad Jasper said he was. So much sadness that Jasper could feel it when he couldn't even see him. I couldn't bear it – what I was seeing. So, I closed my eyes and held onto him tighter, pulling him close…so fucking thankful that he'd survived. He'd survived all that and I knew – inside my heart I knew – he'd survived so he could find me.

"I know," he whispered again. "I know, Bella."

"And oh, god, Edward," I continued, unable to stop myself from telling him everything. "He told me that Carlisle came looking for you. He wanted to find you all those years ago…"

Hot tears spilled out of my eyes and over my cheeks and Edward just pulled me close. Like it was me who needed comfort – not him. And I felt stupid and shaky because all I wanted to do was soothe him. All I wanted to do was love him enough that he would know that there were people in his life that didn't manipulate and control. There were people that would love him selflessly and that he would never have to be alone…he would never have to be lonely again.

Because that was it, wasn't it? That was what he'd spent his entire existence feeling. Edward was lonely…solitary and withdrawn, keeping Jasper in his life because he thought he was the only person in his life that ever cared at all. But it was all a lie. It was all sick and wrong and dark…and because of that, Edward felt he was sick and wrong and dark, too. That was why he felt so undeserving. That was why he came to me with no expectation, like he didn't deserve any of the love I had to offer.

"Shhh…" he hushed me softly. "Calm down…please, Bella. I know. I know everything."

"How?" I whimpered, breathing in and trying to calm down. "How do you know? Did he tell you? After you came in, did he tell you?"

It was possible. I pretty much blacked out after Edward pulled him from my body. But I couldn't imagine that Jasper would have so easily confessed what he'd held secret for so long.

"No…he didn't. Not really. Bella…" he said, pausing and looking down at me. "After I came in and I saw you on the bed…"

He stopped talking; his eyes and expression grew dark. I didn't have to imagine what he was thinking. I could hear his thoughts – could see what he was seeing in his mind. And what I saw – how I saw myself in his mind's eye – took me back to that place and I had to fight the overwhelming panic that rose up inside me. I took a deep breath and looked around. I forced myself to remember that I was safe. That I was there in Edward's arms and Jasper was gone. He was dead…and he couldn't hurt either of us anymore.

"I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I'm so fucking sorry that there wasn't anyone there to protect you. To keep you safe and….love you. Because I love you, Edward. I love you and Carlisle…Carlisle loved you, too. He…he came looking for you. He came…but Jasper sent him away. Jasper lied to him the same way that he lied to you for all those years."

Edward stilled in my arms as I spoke. He went completely rigid, and when I looked at him, his thoughts washed over me in a rush of love and gratitude…of surprise and shock.

You love me.

You really fucking love me that much.

They were questions as much as declarations.

"How can you still not know?" I asked. "How can you still not believe me when I tell you?"

I placed my hands on the cool, angled cheeks of his worried face. I gripped him hard, but he didn't even seem fazed.

"This ends," I whispered roughly. "This ends right now. You have to believe me. I love you, Edward. I think I've loved you all along. I think I loved you before I ever knew you were real."

His face inched forward – so close to mine that I could feel his deep breaths against my skin. My heart was pounding and as much as I wanted to just cover his mouth and kiss him until I made him believe, I waited. I waited because I needed him to come to me. I needed him to show me that yes…this was fucking forever.

"Bella," he said. "Bella…I have loved you since the first moment I saw you all those nights ago. I loved you from the moment I saw you there on the dark street outside the bar. I didn't understand it, but you captivated me so much…when no one ever had before. I loved you from the first moment I decided to follow you home. I loved you while I stood outside your house and watched you from the shadows. And even though there were a million questions in my mind…and even thought I fought it with every beat of your beautiful heart…I loved you from the moment you whispered my name on the porch in the dark."

His mouth covered mine – soft and sweet and desperate. And I pulled his face closer, kissing him back and breathing him in as his tongue slipped inside. I could feel everything else slipping away. Not like it hadn't happened, but when I was there with him like that, it was like it didn't matter. All that mattered was him…me…the two of us together.

I slipped my arms around him as he kissed me deeper. My legs stretched and curled around his waist. I could feel him underneath me, growing hard and pushing up against the very naked and open part of me that silently begged to be filled. With him. With all of him….and I wanted him over and over and over again. I wanted him like this – and I wanted him like this forever.

I could hear his fear – could hear his trepidation and concern. And it was then that I knew, what almost happened to me was horrible, but it hadn't happened. And I wouldn't allow fear – his or mine – to stop what was happening between us.

Not ever.

My tongue pressed against his, and even though I could tell he was being careful, I pressed harder…deeper.

"Please," I whispered into his mouth. "Please…please…don't stop. Please, don't stop, Edward."

"Oh, god, Bella…" he groaned back. "It's too much…too soon."

His cock twitched beneath me. I could feel it against my wet skin. And as he sucked my tongue, I pushed myself down harder against him, grinding and needy and wanting him inside.

"It's not…" I said, looking into his eyes. "It's not too soon. Don't you want me? Don't you want me the way I want you?"

His hand cupped my face, his thumb dragging across my bottom lip. His eyes were dark and conflicted, but his thoughts weren't. I heard them…and then he spoke.

"I do," he said. "I want you…you know I want you. But Bella…we're not alone."

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I still couldn't believe that we were at Carlisle and Esme's house – that this was the safe place he'd brought me to the night before. I couldn't believe that they were actually here…and had been so close to him this whole time. And I couldn't stop staring at them as Esme poured tea for me. The teapot was delicate, feminine…just like her. Just like her clothes that I was wearing. And both of them were beautiful. Breathtaking, just like Edward. Carlisle sat in the chair to my left, while Edward sat next to me on the couch to my right, holding my hand. And in the silence that surrounded us, Carlisle never once took his eyes from Edward.

I squeezed his hand gently, sensing his nerves. And as Esme placed the teacup in front of me, she offered me a soft smile and knowing look. And I don't know why, but I felt comfortable.

They were good and loving people.

Vampires.

Esme was the first to break the silence as she sat down on the arm of Carlisle's chair.

"Bella…sweetheart, how are you?"

Edward pulled his hand from mine and wrapped his arm around me. I pressed my body closer into his, taking comfort in his embrace. And drawing in a deep breath, I spoke.

"I'm good…I mean…well, I mean I'm okay."

"Please, dear…drink some tea. Or I have some food in the kitchen. I didn't know what you liked, but I went to the market this morning. You must be hungry."

I just shook my head. I wasn't ready to eat, but out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Edward staring at her. His thoughts were still confounded. He couldn't believe that she was there…that she was alive. And as if he could hear Edward's thoughts, too…Carlisle spoke up for the first time.

"Edward," he said, his voice breaking just a bit. "We looked for you. For so long…we searched. Both of us." He looked up at Esme and she smiled softly down at him. "You…you don't know what it means that you're here…that we…that Esme…found you."

Edward turned to complete stone next to me and I wrapped my arms around him, wanting him to know that I was there for him as much as he was there for me. His arm that was wrapped around me still held on to me tight.

"It's okay," I told him, ignoring everyone else in the room. "You can do this. I'm right here."

"I thought…" he whispered so quietly, I wondered if anyone could hear him. "I thought I killed you."

He was looking at Esme, but then he looked back to Carlisle. I couldn't see their faces because I was only looking at him – I could only see his pain, could only hear his distress.

"I was so ashamed after…after…what I did. I was just so…I just…I fucked up," he admitted, his shoulders sagging, his voice rough. "And I thought…I thought you hated me. I saw your eyes. I heard it in your thoughts. You…you wanted to kill me."

"Oh, Edward," Esme breathed.

"Edward…please," Carlisle said. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I never should have left you alone that day. I never should have… I should have known better. I should have protected you…more. I should have protected you, Edward."

Edward's eyes lifted and he looked at Esme. Her eyes were still soft, and though she wasn't crying, I had the distinct feeling that she would have been if she could.

That all of them would.

"How can you ever forgive me for what I did?" Edward asked her. "How can either of you ever forgive me?"

I hated the tone of his voice. I hated his shame and I hated that he still felt like he'd failed them, when the truth was there was no right and wrong in this situation. It was blacks and whites mixing into this desperate and sad shade of grey. They were both wrong…they had both failed. Not just each other, but themselves as well.

"Edward, I know you wish you could change what happened," Carlisle said. "But I can say with complete and utter confidence, that if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. You gave me what I never would have had the strength to take for myself. You gave me the love of my life…the love of my existence. I was terrified that she was dead. That's why…that's why I couldn't run after you. But you need to know that once she was okay, I searched for you. I looked for you for so long. You are the only one…the only one I ever changed. You…Edward, you're my family."

All of Edward's breath eased out of him in one long sigh. He sat there motionless, and even though I tried, I couldn't hear what he was thinking. And we all sat there, silent and waiting for him to speak.

Something.

Anything.

"You…you really feel that way?" he finally asked.

"Oh, Edward," Esme said, launching herself across the small space and pulling him from me into her arms. "We really, truly do."

After a long moment, she released him and he looked down at me. And there was this light in his eyes I'd never seen. There was this hope. I could feel his emotions; I could hear his rapid thoughts. Everything was too much for him to bear – too happy and relieved for him to comprehend.

Carlisle stood slowly and Edward turned to watch him. They both looked at each other before Edward looked back at me.

"It's okay," I whispered. "Everything's going to be okay."

And for the first time – maybe in his whole life – he thought it would be.

I watched as the two men crossed the distance between them, and they embraced.

And I knew my words were right.

Everything would be okay.

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We barely closed the door to the guest room when Edward pulled me into his arms. His mouth covered mine and he kissed me deeply…slowly. I clung to him, gripping his shoulders and feeling his happiness and relief cover me like a blanket.

"I love you," he breathed. "Bella, I'm in love with you."

It wasn't the first time he'd said the words, but something about them seemed urgent…something about him seemed resolved.

"I love you, too," I told him. "So fucking much."

It was the absolute truth and it didn't matter to me that all of this was crazy. What and who he was didn't matter – all I knew was that I was supposed to be with him. We were supposed to find each other and love each other this way.

My whole life had been leading up to this point.

Every second of every single day had led me to him.

His hands found the hem of the cashmere sweater I was wearing, and I raised my arms as he pulled it from my body. His tongue licked a cold trail down my neck and I shuddered as he sucked the skin there. He lifted me up into his arms and carried me to the bed. And my body opened to him as he covered me with his.

It felt real.

It felt so fucking right.

All of it.

Everything.

"Tell me you want me," he rasped in my ear.

"I want you."

"Tell me you're mine."

"There's no one else," I gasped. "There's only ever been you."

"Tell me it's forever, Bella," he said before kissing me hard.

Penetrating.

Deep.

"That's what I want." I whispered; my body and mind fevered with his words, his body…him.

I wasn't listening to his thoughts; I could only focus on his words…the way he was kissing me…the way he was touching me. And maybe that's why I was so entirely shocked at what he said next.

Stunned and shaken to my very core.

"Bella," he whispered roughly, pushing himself up above me and looking into my eyes. "I want to be with you…always. I'm asking you…please…I'm begging you to let me change you. Be with me forever."

My body and heart and entire being said yes.

But my mouth…my mouth said, "No."

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A/N

Reviews are love.

Please leave me some.

I know this update has been too long coming. And for that, I apologize. I don't know what to say except the words weren't there. And I love this story too much to just write something that isn't in line with the rest of what I've written. Thank you for your patience and as always…thank you so much for reading.

I am over a thousand words into the next and final chapter. I hope to update and complete in the next couple weeks.

Thanks to Raina for pre-reading and for encouraging me to write every single day.

And thanks and love to Marvar who always knows what to say and who honestly makes every single thing I write so much fucking better. Really, you have no idea. I love you, soulmate.

Recc:

So, I know it's been forever since I've actually recc'd a fic, but I am reading the most wonderful story ever. And every time it updates, I get really excited!

Outbound by aftrnoondlight

This is a collaboration by jaimearkin and aftrnoondlight and there are seriously no words to tell you how much I'm loving it. It's hot and sweet and just fucking... Gah! It's perfect. The words are so pretty and the characters are so real. And you will love it from the first sentence.

Go. Read. Love.