Chapter Twenty-Six: the Dating Game
---x---
Raw was live from Buffalo New York, Carlito and Orton told Regal that they wanted Cena to fight Umaga later on and Regal thought that that was a great selection. Regal then pointed out that Machetti was going to be in action against Mr. Kennedy later tonight and that the two of them might want to have a front row seat for the match.
From there the camera faded and went further backstage, and into a locker room, where Machetti was sitting with Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Maria. "Alright, Paul, Brian you didn't quite win the battle royal earlier. But there's really nothing we can do about that now, Regal is the new GM. But now I think its time for some organized chaos."
"What did you have in mind?" asked Brian, who was still holding his neck from when Umaga had leveled him with that Samoan Spike when they had been eliminated from the Battle Royal earlier.
"Well, later tonight I'm going to be facing Mr. Kennedy," said Machetti, "This is a big match and if Kennedy wins it he'll have all the right in the world to get a title shot. And knowing Orton and Carlito, those two are probably going to come down halfway through the match. So, Paul, Brian, I want the two of you down there at ringside."
"What about me?" asked Maria.
"Aren't you in Regal's 'Dating Game' thing later tonight?" questioned Machetti.
"Yes," answered Maria.
"Are you seriously going to go out with the winner?"
"Well, those are the rules, I'm supposed to ask the three contestants bunch of questions, and which ever one I like best I pick and then go out with."
"I don't get why Regal picked you," commented Machetti, "I mean, sure you're the most amazing diva in the locker room, but we're already a couple. Maybe he's using you on his little show just to get to me."
"Do you really think so?" questioned Maria.
"I really don't know," confessed Machetti as he shook his head, then held his head in his hands and thought for a few seconds, "alright, I've got an idea. Don't worry I'll be able to take care of anything in that case. So just do what you do best and think up questions." Maria nodded in response and Machetti turned to London and Kendrick, "let's get out of here, I need to go warm up."
Machetti gave Maria a kiss goodbye then he, London, and Kendrick left the locker room, leaving Maria on her own to come up with her questions of the game show.
---x---
Raw was back and J.R. was talking about how Mr. Kennedy had put Lashley on the shelf last week. Then, speak of the devil, Ken Kennedy's theme music hit and Mister Kennedy headed down to the ring. Kennedy quickly got in the ring and the lights dimmed, Kennedy reached up as his signature mic was lowered from the rafters. But before Kennedy could even start speaking, he was cut off by Riot Time hitting.
Machetti, Paul London, and Brian Kendrick came out from the back and stood on the entrance ramp. "Hey Kennedy," snapped Machetti, "no one wants to here you run your mouth, so why don't you shut the hell up so we can get this over with?"
"Hey! Who do you think you're talking to, I'm…" but Kennedy never got the chance to say what he was because the three Chaos Inc Members quickly sprinted down the ramp and slid into the ring. Kennedy let go of his mic and stepped back, allowing the referee room to restore some order.
After London and Kendrick left the ring, and Kennedy's mic was raised back up, the referee called for the bell. Machetti and Kennedy quickly started the match and began circling the ring. Kennedy charged forward at Machetti, but Machetti suddenly jumped up and leap frogged Kennedy, then when he landed he spun around and took Kennedy down with a corkscrew dropkick, right to the face.
Machetti quickly got back up to his feet and Kennedy followed close behind, while holding his jaw where Machetti had kicked him. Kennedy glared at Machetti, who smiled and shrugged, then he charged at Machetti went for a clothesline. But Machetti ducked it causing Kennedy to run passed him. But Kennedy quickly stopped running, then spun around and lunged forward, knocking Machetti down to the ground with a flying forearm to the back of the head.
Kennedy wasted no time in going after Machetti, then he began on him, hoping to wear Machetti down and keep him in control over the course of the match up. Once Kennedy had gotten in close to a dozen stomps, he slowly reached down and pulled Machetti up to his feet. Kennedy then showed some impressive strength and lifted Machetti up into the air for a scoop slam. But while he was in mid air, Machetti grabbed Kennedy's shoulders and lowered his legs, enabling himself to pull free of Kennedy and land safely on the ground behind him.
Kennedy spun around to meet Machetti, but Machetti quickly grabbed his arm and hit Kennedy with an arm drag. Kennedy got back up and Machetti ran at him, then jumped up and took Kennedy down with a running crossbody. Machetti didn't stop and quickly rolled off of Kennedy and jumped back up to his feet. Machetti then ran to the ropes and jumped up onto the middle one, then back flipped off of it and came crashing down on Kennedy for a springboard moonsault, From there Machetti went for the pin, ONE… TWO… but Kennedy managed to kick out.
Machetti got up off of Kennedy then reached down and pulled Kennedy up to his feet. Machetti then went to whip Kennedy into the corner, but Kennedy reversed it and sent Machetti running towards the turnbuckle instead. Kennedy ran after Machetti hoping to clothesline him into the pad, but when Machetti reached the corner, he jumped up onto the top rope, then back flipped off of it and took Kennedy down with a moonsault. Machetti quickly went for another pin attempt, ONE… TWO… TH… Kennedy kicked out.
Machetti rolled off of Kennedy and got back up to his feet, then turned and watched as Kennedy fought up to his feet as well. Kennedy glared at Machetti and held up his hands calling for a lock up, so Machetti met Kennedy in the middle of the ring and the two wrestlers locked up.
Kennedy proved to be the stronger of the two and after a short struggle started backing Machetti up into the corner. Kennedy kept pushing Machetti until they finally reached the corner, but Machetti quickly jumped up and pressed his feet into the middle turnbuckle, then pushed off and swung around Kennedy, before driving his head down to the mat for a tornado DDT.
Machetti smirked and got back up while Kennedy rolled onto his back and held his head. Machetti looked down at Kennedy and went to the corner, then turned his back to Kennedy and climbed up onto the top rope. Once on top, Machetti turned around to face Kennedy. But suddenly Randy Orton's theme music hit. Machetti turned and looked at the entrance ramp as the number one contender, the Legend Killer, Randy Orton came out from the back accompanied by Carlito.
The two cocky superstars made their way down to the ring while maintaining eye contact with Machetti. The referee glared at Orton and Carlito as Paul and Brian ran around the ring and stood in front of them, keeping them from walking further. Back in the ring Machetti was distracted by Carlito and Orton, when suddenly Kennedy shot up to his feet and ran at the ropes. Kennedy pushed the top rope, causing Machetti to lose his footing and then get 'crotched' on the top turnbuckle.
Outside of the ring, London shoved Carlito, causing the four superstars standing and ringside to break out into an all out brawl, completely distracting the referee. Inside the ring, Kennedy quickly ran to the corner and jumped up onto the middle rope, then he grabbed Machetti and lifted him up onto his shoulder for the Green Bay Plunge. But as Kennedy flipped off of the turnbuckle and drove Machetti's back down to the mat, the referee called for the bell.
Kennedy looked up and glared at the official, clearly frustrated that he had been robbed of victory. The referee quickly left the ring and went to the corner where he said something to Lillian Garcia. Lillian stood up to make her announcement, causing the four superstars brawling on the entrance ramp to break up their fight. "The referee has ruled that this match has ended as a NO CONTEST and instead the match will be restarted as a six-man tag match!"
Kennedy looked up and glared at the referee, Orton and Carlito looked upset, they hadn't really planned on getting into a match. London and Kendrick on the other hand simply shrugged, this meant they could continue their fight and do it legally too. Machetti didn't do anything because he was still out cold from the Green Bay Plunge. But before anything else could happen Raw went to a commercial.
---x---
When Raw came back the match was underway. Machetti was still in the ring, and had been isolated all throughout the commercial break. Currently he was being picked apart by Carlito, while Orton, Kennedy, London, and Kendrick all watched from their respective ring aprons. Carlito currently had Machetti down on the ground and was stomping on him, then Carlito jumped up and landed across Machetti's throat for a standing leg drop. Carlito went for a quick pin, ONE… TWO… TH… Machetti managed to kick out.
Carlito got up and dragged Machetti up to his feet, then pulled him over to the corner and tagged in Orton. Orton got in the ring and Carlito let Machetti go, but for some reason Orton didn't go after Machetti. Machetti stumbled backwards and glared at Orton, who flashed his usual cocky grin and pointed to Machetti's corner, telling him to tag in one of his partners.
Machetti stared at Orton for a moment, and quickly glanced at his corner. Machetti wasn't sure what Orton was pulling, maybe it was some kind of mind game, but instead of making the tag, Machetti turned back to Orton and shook his head. Orton shrugged then charged at Machetti, but Machetti suddenly dropped down and laid flat on his chest, causing Orton to run over him.
Orton spun around as Machetti jumped up and in one motion wrapped his legs around Orton's neck then sent the Legend Killer flying into the corner. Machetti got back up to his feet, while Orton sat in the corner and glared at him. Then Machetti smirked at Orton, went to his corner, and tagged in Paul London.
London got in the ring and took advantage of Orton sitting in the corner, by running at him and hitting him with a dropkick to the chest, driving Orton back into the bottom turnbuckle. London landed on the ground and rolled away from Orton then got back up to his feet, reached back and tagged in Kennedy.
Kennedy got in the ring, while Orton got out. But then London ran forward and took Kennedy down with a dropsault. London then turned his back to Kennedy and did a back-flip, then came crashing down on top of him for a standing moonsualt. From there London went for the pin, ONE… TWO… but Kennedy kicked out.
London got up off of Kennedy, then pulled him to his feet and whipped him into an empty corner. Once Kennedy hit the turnbuckle, London ran at him, jumped up and drove his legs into Kennedy's stomach, then used Kennedy as a springboard and back-flipped off of him and landed on his feet. Then in a flash, London jumped up and nailed Kennedy with an enzuigiri. London slowly stepped back and allowed Kennedy to fall forward.
London quickly bent down and rolled Kennedy onto his back then went for the pin, ONE… TWO… THRE… but Kennedy just kicked out. London glared down at Kennedy, then turned and saw Machetti standing on the apron, calling for a tag. London looked confused, but did what Machetti asked and dragged London over to the corner, then tagged in Machetti.
London stayed in the ring long enough for Machetti to grab Kennedy, then he got out onto the ring apron and shrugged his shoulders when Kendrick gave him a confused look. Machetti dragged Kennedy into the middle of the ring, then kicked him in the gut and planted him with an Impaler. Machetti smirked down at Kennedy, then looked up and glanced at Orton.
Machetti got up and dragged Kennedy over to the corner Orton was in then stepped back and shouted 'Tag him!' at Orton. Clearly Machetti wanted another chance to get his hands on Orton. But Orton on the other hand didn't think that was such a good idea, instead he smirked at Machetti, then jumped backwards off of the ring apron, walked around the ring and started walking backwards up the entrance ramp.
Machetti walked over to the ropes and glared at Orton, then shouted, "get in here!" but Orton simply shook his head, then smirked as he noticed something behind Machetti. Carlito had gotten into the ring without Machetti noticing and was about to go for the backstabber, when suddenly London and Kendrick ran into the ring and took Carlito down with a double clothesline.
Then they pulled Carlito up to his feet and tossed him out of the ring and down to the floor. Paul and Brian glanced once at Machetti, who was still glaring at Orton, then got out of the ring after Carlito. "Fine!" Machetti eventually shouted, "don't get into the ring!" Machetti glanced over Orton's shoulder at the Titan-Tron, then spun around in time to catch Kennedy as he ran at him.
Machetti lifted Kennedy up in front of him then walked into the middle of the ring and turned to face Orton. Machetti smirked at the Number One Contender, then nailed Kennedy with the Machete's Blade. Machetti laid on top of Kennedy and let the referee count the pin, ONE… TWO… THREE! IT'S OVER! But Machetti never took his eyes off of Orton.
Machetti eventually got up to his feet, then walked back over to the ropes and glared at Orton. London and Kendrick got into the ring, while Kennedy was rolled out of it by the referee. But as Raw went to commercial, Machetti and Orton kept staring down, eventually they'd have to face off, even if it meant waiting until SummerSlam.
---x---
Raw came back and it was now time for 'the Dating Game'. "Ladies and gentlemen," said William Regal, who was standing at his podium, "as General Manager it is my honor to bring to you… The Dating Game!" The cheesy theme music ended and Regal continued with his introduction. "Tonight one of our lovely divas, will win a date with one of three eligible bachelors. So let's please meet them."
"Bachelor number one," Regal paused as the camera moved to show 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan. Duggan was wearing a suit and had a tie on his 2x4. "He loves his job and his country, grizzled ring veteran… Hacksaw Jim Duggan!"
Hacksaw nodded happily, "Thank you," Hacksaw said into his mic, but then he stopped and took off his wedding ring. "Thank you very much! I've got my suit, I've got my tie, and I have a massive piece… of wood."
The fans cheered for Hacksaw, and the camera went back to Regal, "that's not what I hear," said the general manager, in an attempt at a joke, but the crowd remained relatively quiet. "Bachelor number two, he love drinking, gambling, and having a very limited vocabulary, please welcome… Ron Simmons!"
Ron paused a minute to make his comment, when suddenly someone slid into the ring behind him. There was a loud clang and the camera moved to show that Machetti had just laid out Hacksaw with a shot to the head from his trusty pipe. Machetti smirked down at Hacksaw, then rolled him out of the ring. Machetti walked back to the stool and was about to sit down when he noticed Duggan's 2x4. Machetti quickly picked it up, pulled the tie off, then turned around and tossed it out of the ring.
Machetti placed the tie around his neck then sat down on the stood next to Ron Simmons. Apparently he was now bachelor number one. Ron simply shook his head then said, "DAMN!"
Regal was on the other side of the set and hadn't seen anything happen, "I didn't see that one coming," commented Regal, who literally hadn't seen anything.
Regal paused for a moment then continued, "And finally, bachelor number three, he was humiliated last week by Machetti," (at this Machetti turned to Santino and smirked), "the same way that he humiliates all of us that speak the English language, Santino Marella!"
"It's good to be here," commented Santino, who was ignoring Regal's comments, Santino then turned and smirked at Machetti, he knew that Maria was the diva and was looking forward to finally winning her away from Machetti. If he won her fair and square on this game show then there would be nothing Machetti could do about it.
"So now without it is time to meet our lovely diva, please welcome, a lady that loves sunsets, she loves walks on the beach, and she loves… Rainbow Brite…" Regal appeared to be a little confused about the last part, "please welcome… Maria!"
With that Maria's theme music hit and she came out from the back and headed down to the ring, with her questions in hand. Once Maria was settled Regal began to introduce the came, "okay here's how the game is played, you will ask our bachelors a series of questions and you will pick which one you want to have a date with. So please, go ahead."
"Bachelor number one," started Maria, "I love a man with manners, how do I know you'll be a gentleman?"
The camera cut to Machetti, who was smirking while sitting on the stool, "Let's see, I tend to believe that chivalry is not dead, just sleeping," replied Machetti, "I'd do what I do all the time, hold the door for you, pull out a chair for you at a restaurant, maybe even help you into the car once everything is over. And if we get close enough, I might even give you breakfast in bed since you like it so much."
"Really?" asked Maria, "how did you know I liked it? Someone I know does that for me all the time!"
"Wow!" exclaimed Machetti as he held in silent laughter, "I can't imagine who. I think it was just a lucky guess."
Next to Maria, Regal glared at the backdrop, the bachelor didn't say 'Hooooo,' was it really Jim Duggan? But Regal ended up shrugging it off and told Maria to continue.
"Bachelors number two," Maria paused for a moment and laughed, "like bachelor number one said, I love breakfast in bed, if you were lucky enough to bring me it, what would you give me?"
Ron Simmons, paused for a moment and thought up his answer then said, "SPAM!"
"Really?" questioned Machetti, "I would've said pancakes."
"Pancakes?" questioned Maria, with a slight smile.
"Yeah," replied Machetti, "maybe I'd mix some blueberries."
"Blueberries? My favorite!" exclaimed Maria.
"I know," chuckled Machetti, "remember that time I… I mean, um, yeah, blueberry pancakes are great, aren't they?"
"Of course they are," Maria answered with a huge smile, she liked this guy, "Bachelor number three, if I were an ice cream cone, how would you…"
Santino didn't let Maria finish and interrupted her, "Maria, I'm sorry it's me, Santino Marella. I'm-a just behind-a the screen, so please go ahead and just-a pick me, because everybody here loves to see us together."
"WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT!?" interrupted Machetti, causing Santino to turn and stare at him, "not only did you interrupt the lady, but that was the biggest load of CRAP I've ever heard!"
"Bachelor number three, I'm going to have to agree with bachelor number one," said Maria, "I know Santino, I know him pretty well, but that, that was the worst impression of Santino I've ever heard!"
"Yeah, Santino," Machetti added only somewhat sarcastically.
"Bachelor number two," continued Maria, "I'm totally against all forms of war, if you could go back in time, and stop any war, which one would you stop?"
Once again, Ron paused for a moment before answering then said, "NAM!"
"That's what I would've said," commented Machetti, "Hey Maria… I mean, bachelorette, didn't your grandfather die in Vietnam?"
"Unfortunately he did," answered Maria as she looked down slightly.
"Hey, hey, cheer up," Machetti said quickly, he knew that Maria got easily upset when they talked about her grandfather, "do you remember the time, you walked in on Paul and Brian when they were trying to reenact that seen from Legally Blonde, and how Brian almost actually broke Paul's nose when doing the 'bend and snap'?"
"Oh yeah!" laughed Maria, as she stared smiling again, "and they begged me not to tell…"
"…But you did any way," interrupted Machetti, with a slight smirk.
"Yeah, that was funny," said Maria as she took a deep breath and calmed down. This guy was fun, but she needed to ask the other bachelors some questions too. "Bachelor number three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?"
Santino saw that he was going to have to answer some questions in order to win, because Maria didn't seem to recognize him, and Machetti knew too much about her, "Definitely a jackhammer," answered Santino with a smug grin, "I'm-a in the there with-a some pressure, and when I'm-a done, you're not-a the same as before, you're changed-a."
Machetti shook his head and turned to Santino, "WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS SHIT!" he exclaimed, of course the last word was beeped out so only the live audience heard it, "that's the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that."
"Bachelor number one," interrupted Regal, "you have to wait until you address before you respond."
"Richard Dawson, just go back to your podium until its time to play the feud alright," snapped Machetti.
Regal looked upset, but Santino looked furious as he glared at Machetti, "Who the hell did you see me-a kiss?"
"Some dude backstage, I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed," answered Machetti, causing some of the fans to laugh.
"Whoa, I didn't-a kiss any guy backstage is swear!" exclaimed Santino as he quickly jumped on the defensive, sounding disgusted, "I'm-a not gay!"
"Hey bachelorette, this guy's a homophobe, you heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to date, this hate monger?"
"I don't-a hate gay people!" snapped Santino.
"So you love them," reasoned Machetti.
"Yes," Santino answered a little too quickly, "I mean no!"
"Textbook closet-case self-loather," stated Machetti, "can't be comfortable with his own, sexuality." The fans laughed loudly and cheered as Santino flushed red, once again he had been humiliated by Machetti.
"Why you-a little…" snapped Santino as he got to his feet, Machetti quickly got up and met Santino in front of Ron's stool.
"Hey, I'm the same height as you," snapped Machetti.
"Who do you think-a you are talking to!" yelled Santino as he got in Machetti's face.
"I'm talking to a guy who apparently hates gays, and can't take a hint!" Machetti shot back as he lightly shoved Santino, causing him to stumbled backwards, allowing Machetti room to breath.
"Alright, alright, SHUT UP!" yelled Regal, causing Machetti and Marella to stop arguing. "let's cut to the chase, Maria, its time to select which bachelor you want to go out with."
"Yeah, let's just hope you don't pick Rush Limbaugh over here," commented Machetti as he nodded towards Santino.
"I'm-a not like Rush Limbaugh!"
"Why cause he's fat?" questioned Machetti, "now you've got something against fat people too?"
Santino didn't answer, and even if he did he would have been drowned out by the fans, who were either cheering Machetti, or booing Santino, come on, the guy hated gays AND fat people, one is enough. Santino realized that he didn't want to dig himself further into the hole he was in, so he just glared at Machetti. "Maria, please, just end our suffering and pick someone," Regal pleaded desperately, this wasn't what he had in mind, Bachelor number one, or Machetti, from what he sounded, was ruining his game show.
Maria took a while to respond, she was too busy laughing, "...Okay..." panted Maria after a while, "Well, as much as I like the strong and silent type, I felt that I got to know Bachelor number one much better. So I'm going to have to go with, Bachelor Number One!"
Machetti shot up out of his chair with a huge smile on his face, while Santino scowled and looked upset, Machetti practically ran around the set and quickly grabbed Maria for a hug. "It would appears that we've made our match," announced Regal as he glared at Machetti, who wasn't paying attention and was instead making out with his girlfriend. "These two are going on an all expense paid date to..."
"Just a moment" interrupted Santino as he came storming around the wall, "stop-pa the music. Maria, what are you doing? You can't go out with this man, you two are already a couple!"
"But Santino," reasoned Maria, "those are the rules!"
"Yeah Santino," laughed Machetti, "oh hold on- Hey Ron, come over here for a minute." Ron walked around the wall and stood next to Machetti who whispered something in his ear.
Ron Simmons turned to Santino and glared at him then shouted, "SCRAM!"
Santino looked taken back, but quickly regained his composure, "You can not-a talk to me like that!" snapped Santino, "I was intercontinental Champion!"
"Yeah," interrupted Machetti, "well I'm the WWE Champion and a former ECW World Champion, AND I was also the Intercontinental Champion, and Ron over there's a former World Champion. So shut up and respect your betters you little punk!"
Santino glared at Machetti, "Maria and I are going to leave-a arm in arm, and there is nobody here who can stop me."
Machetti was about to respond, when suddenly Umaga's theme music hit. Santino spun around and stared at the entrance ramp in horror as the Intercontinental Champion, the Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga, made his way down to the ring. Santino turned around and was started to flee the ring, but suddenly, Machetti stuck out his foot, causing Marella to fall flat on his face.
Machetti, Maria, Regal, and Ron quickly left the ring as Umaga got in, then they all watched as Umaga pulled Santino up off of the ground, then leveled him with a Samoan Spike. Machetti then took Maria's hand and the two of them headed to the back as Raw went to a commercial break.
---x---
Everything else that happened later on happened, including Umaga and Cena teaming up, and Vince telling Paul to 'Keep that smile on his face.' Please note that I LOVINGLY stole parts for the Dating Game scene from Mallrats, one of my all time favorite movies, and a movie I'd recommend for anyone... over sixteen.
'Till Next Time…
Peace!