Shin Seiki Evangelion - Seasons

Haru - Train of Thought

Neon Genesis Evangelion created by, registered, and copyrighted to GAINAX Project EVA, Movic, and any other company and/or division associated with the creation and/or production of Neon Genesis Evangelion. A.D.Vision holds the copyrights to the English version of Neon Genesis Evangelion. This work of fiction is not intended for any commercial purposes but was created for the entertainment of the Author and Fans of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

No copyright infringement was in any way intended.

Seasons written by Jino Turtlegod

M Rating. For mature readers only. Some scenes, themes, language, and situations are not suitable for younger readers. Reader discretion is advised.

HTML ver 10 APR 08

Ver 1 – 22 APR 08

Haru - Train of Thought

I swept the dining table with a glance, making sure that everything was in place before I left for school. I checked each piece of china and cutlery on the table, made sure the stove was off, checked that every cabinet and drawer was sealed, and that the faucet did not drip.

Eerily, as I gazed upon that which I consider my domain in turn I felt like someone was staring at me, watching my every move - a ghostly whisper in the back of my consciousness.

It's a familiar sensation that I can't place.

I decide to ignore it.

Satisfied that everything is as should be, I made my way to the foyer, put on my shoes and locked the door behind me as I went.

000

As I walked to the train station I savored the cool Spring breeze, so unlike the sun warmed winds that I have grown up with. I guess, the only way people know that it's Spring is because it's a bit cooler and the cherry trees are in bloom. Spring is actually getting colder and colder with each passing year. They say that the Earth was starting to become normal again and that maybe we would have snow sometime in the next ten years or so.

It would probably nice to have snow. Not that I've ever experienced snow, mind you. But traditionally, Winter is considered an ending, the clean slate before the rebirth of Spring.

I think I'll like that.

An end to the eternal summer, the summer of pain and loneliness.

I came to the train stop and waited for the familiar warning chimes as the train approached.

000

I stood by the train's doorway, my forehead against the cool glass of the door's window.

The buildings flashed by accompanied by the comfortingly familiar hum of the train. Tokyo-2. It did not feel like home. It was familiar but not welcoming. I felt like when I was a child in my uncle's place. A stranger in somebody else's home.

I resist the urge to turn and gaze at the mountains in the distance, where the only place I can remember as 'Home' lay burnt and buried.

Buried by my own hands.

I laugh a bit. A bit of bitter laughter. I noticed the nervous shifting of the other commuters. Last week a highschool senior had gone berserk after finding out he did not pass the entrance exam for the college his parents wanted. Several people got hurt.

People are pathetic as my Dad said.

I decide to remain silent until my stop.

I did not notice until my hand had gone to the bandage on my forehead. I was a bit surprised at the fibrous texture and the sharp pain as a touched the covered wound.

I closed my eyes and waited and prayed.

I want an end to the pain that is my life.

But...

I'm a coward.

Countless times I had thought of slicing open the pulsing veins in wrist, of throwing myself before the incoming train, or of even jumping out of my room's window more than a hundred meters above the streets.

But I keep telling myself I should be strong. Not only for myself but also for Her.

All I was doing was fooling myself. Using others as an excuse. After all the pain I took to gain the strength to stand on my own two feet I am back to clutching onto others.

A full circle of pain.

000

I did not notice that I am standing before my classroom's door. I've walked all the way from the train station to my classroom in a daze, I had even changed shoes without my notice. I grin wryly at the fact that I had not gotten run over on the way.

I open the classroom door and froze as I see Kensuke sitting on top of a desk by the windows. He is looking outwards, his camcorder held to his eyes as he took a shot of the students walking into the school. When we were younger I just thought of his hobby as just a pastime. Then he won second prize in a video composition contest. I was stunned and he berated himself for the amateurish feel of his entry - a short sequence of life in forgotten Tokyo-3, something that made me want to cry at the memories I kept buried.

I know better than to disturb him during a shot. For some reason he rarely gets angry at me though the way he sulks makes me feel very guilty. He is my closest friend.

I wait patiently and as silently as a mouse - I tried to be a forgotten piece of background scenery - something that I'm very good at Asuka had once commented bitingly.

Heartbeats, moments, or minutes later I do not know for how long, but time passed and Kensuke finally lowered his camcorder. A satisfied grin on his face told me he got the shot he wanted. I smiled, if he's happy I cannot help but be happy for him - isn't that how friendship works?

He finally noticed me and the smile and the greeting he was going to give me died in a horrified expression. "What the Hell happened?" he cried out as he scrambled to his feet.

"Nothing... It's nothing," I reply as I raise my hand to ward him off. He looked disapprovingly at me and I avert my eyes not wanting to see that disappointed expression on his face.

He snorted disgustedly. There were no need for words. As I knew him, he knew me. Any disparaging words at Her would incur my anger. Like a sullen child, he murmured, "So this was her answer?"

With shock I felt the tears come to my eyes. Kensuke had known! He knew I was going to ask her! But was this an answer? I had been unable to ask the question... and yet Asuka also knew me, even more than Kensuke thought he knew me. Did I even had to ask the question for her to answer? I force the tears back, Asuka hated crying as it was a sign of weakness, and she especially hated it when I did the crying.

Kensuke sighed as he tried to let go of his anger, yet he still had a frown as he finally looked at me. "Let's go flower watching."

It was not an invitation or even a suggestion.

Another thing my Dad told me; when you want something really bad enough, you must have the strength to take it. You cannot expect someone to just give it to you, you must make it so. With a laugh I nodded my head and wiped the tears away with a finger.

I want an end to my sadness.

Tsu Zu Ku