A very Potter sitcom
Episode 2, season 1.
(Harry freaken' Potter!)
(TV- 14)
(Begins with the opening theme of "Going back" at the near end of the song)
All students sing: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, back to goblins and ghosts and a magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions, and friends. Back to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin! Back to the place where our stories begins at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Dumby: I'm sorry, what's its name?
Students: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Dumby: I didn't hear you kids!
Students: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Harry: Man, I'm glad I went back!
(End of theme song)
(During song, we see clips showing the names of the actors in the show.)
(Scene begins at Great Hall in the morning)
(Snape comes into hall and to the teachers table)
Snape: I am so hung over!
Dumby: Aw, Severus! You need to be careful about how much you drink. I hear it's very bad for you do become an alcoholic.
Snape angrily: I am NOT an alcoholic!
(He picks up his glass of orange juice and begins to pour in vodka)
Dumby sarcastically: Oh yeah, you're clean.
(Snape looks up in shock with wide eyes)
Snape: Oh God, I'm becoming just like Lupin!
(He winces)
Snape: Ow! Loud noise bad for hangover.
(Harry enters with his friends)
Harry: Why does school have to start so early?
Hermione: Early to rise get's you a prize!
Ron: Um, Hermione? My saying goes "Later in bed, less pain in your head!"
Jacob: I like that one.
(Ginny enters and crowd cheers as this is the first time she has been shown in the TV show)
Ginny: Hey lover.
Harry: Hey you.
(They begin to snog inappropriately)
(Ron stares wide eyes as his best friend makes out with his sister)
Ron: Wow, this is so weird. My babyish sister who used to play with hand puppets is now a… slut.
(Ginny flairs with anger)
Ginny: Okay, now that I'm dating, doesn't mean you can treat me like a Hogwarts prostitute!
(Jacob suddenly shows interest)
Jacob: Wait, we have those?
(Ginny rolls her eyes and begins to talk with Hermione and Cho)
Dumby: Now if you'll all please listen here! I have a big announcement! We are having a new student here soon and he's supposed to be sexy!
(The hall goes into silence as everyone stares at Dumbledore)
Dumby: What? You all know that I'm gay! So Severus, what's the boy's name again?
(Snape looks at paper)
Snape: I think it says… wow this is bad hand writing. I think it says 'Jerry Snoter'. Or Jerry Hotter or something.
Dumby: Ohhh, I like the sound of that.
McGonagall without taking her eyes of her news paper says in a bored casual tone: No sexual harassment.
Dumby: I know, I know!
Lockhart: So when's he coming?
Snape: Tonight I believe. Now I have to go and vomit. Snape vanish!
(He runs off the set before we hear a loud crash)
Snape: Owie!
(Commercial break)
(Scene begins in Great Hall at dinner)
Dumby: If I can have your attention kids, the new student has arrived. He is right over there!
(Everyone looks to stage left and see's Daniel Radcliffe walk into the hall. As he enters, the studio audience screams with delight at the sight of the Harry Potter actor from the official movies)
Daniel: Hey there. I'm Harry Potter.
(Students and teachers all gasp)
Harry: No, no. I'm Harry Potter. I should know.
Daniel: Wait, what? Who the hell are you?
(Harry is silent for a few seconds at the stupid question)
Harry slowly: I'm Harry Potter.
Daniel: No, Harry Potter is supposed to be British and last time I checked, I'm British!
Harry: What makes you think that you're Harry?
(They begin to argue before Rita Skeeta walks onto the stage and the crowd begins to cheer)
Students: Rita Skeeta! YAY!
Rita: Why dear readers, this is Rita Skeeta reporting to you live from Hogwarts school of witchcraft, bitchcraft, and magic (bleep). I have just happened upon the HP we know and a new student at Hogwarts who claims to be Harry Potter as well. However I do have a plan to discover who the real Harry Potter is.
(The fast excited theme of the song "Skeeta's got a plan" starts)
Rita singing: I may be annoying, but I know all of me freaken' stuff. So if you don't give me what I want then I'll be ready to huff! I have a plan to find which man is Harry freaken Potter! I can determine it by who is much, much hotter! So let me take them into a room, just me and them! I'll strip them down and then I'll say-
Harry singing: Ahem. Did you just say to strip us down our cloths? That's weirder than watching the dancer of my foes!
Daniel singing: I'll do it! I really do not mind. I once went on stage and you will find that I was up there nude! So-
Harry singing: Just listen dude! I'm sure that I'm Potter!
Daniel singing: Ah! But I'm hotter!
Rita: Just let me be the judge of that! I'm not some weirdo, freaken bat! I'll get us the answer soon! Even if I'm slightly a lone! I'll help find the man, 'cause Rita Skeeta's got a plan!
(Short dance part where all of the students dance to the theme)
All: Rita Skeeta's got a plan!
(Song ends)
(Scene changes to a small room where we see both Harry and Daniel behind a balance poll, each of them naked, with the poll covering their privet parts. Harry looks abashed but Dan looks fine)
(Rita comes out)
Rita: Well hello there boys. I like what I see, you know.
Dan: Thank you.
Harry: I feel violated.
Rita: Okay, let's get this done quickly.
(She unrolls a tape measurer)
Harry: Um, what are you going to do?
(Rita smiles)
(Scene changes back to Great Hall)
(Rita walks out to the Hall with Harry and Dan behind, once again dressed)
Rita: I have completed my experiment. The winner of who Harry Potter is…. YOU!
(She points at Dan who smiles as students and teachers all cheer)
Harry: What? No, guys! I'm HP! I'm the one you guys all love, remember?
Ron: Well, there's the new guy now.
Hermione: Yeah. I'm really sorry Har… um… fella.
Harry: Wait, fella? But guys, I'm Harry freaken' Potter! I'm the coolest kid there is!
Jacob: Not anymore dude. Sorry.
(Sad theme of "It's over now" plays and lights go dark to only show Harry)
Harry: Home. I've heard the word before; it didn't mean much more than a place I never haaaad! I was happy, but now I'm dank and saaaad! It looks like it's done, I'm gone! I've been hung out to dry! Maybe it would be better if I would curl up and die. There's nothing here for me now. And just, I'd like to say… wow. It's been a great time, but now it's done. The whole world was mine; I had a lot and a lot of fun. But it's time to face the facts, pack my packs, loose all I loved so much. I was part of a really funny bunch! But God forbiiiiiiid, I'd be leaven Starkiiiiiid! I'm trying not to cry. Perhaps I should curl up and diiiiiiie! It seems it's over nooooooooooooooow!
(Song ends and commercial break)
Advertisement:
A very Potter sitcom is brought to you and part by
Redvines!
(Scene begins at Gryffindor common room)
Ron: So uh… Harry. Do you want a-
(Looks at screen)
Ron: Redvine?
(Dan looks at screen as well)
Dan: Absolutely… NOT! I prefer-
(Looks at screen)
Dan: Twizzlers.
(Ron get's very mad)
Ron: Twizzlers? You like those dry, stupid, rip offs!
Dan smiling: Yep.
(Ron growls and storms upstairs to his dorm)
(Ginny comes out and sits next Dan)
Ginny: Hey lover.
Dan: Who are you?
Ginny: You're girlfriend.
(Dan laughs)
Dan: Are you kidding? I would never date someone who looks like a Barbie doll. That bad hair, weird rosy cheeks, fat gut.
(Tears well up in Ginny's eyes)
Ginny: Well, goodbye then… Harry Potter.
(She gets's up and begins to cry as she runs off)
(Malfoy comes in)
Malfoy: Weird. Who knew the password to the Gryffindor common room was just "Redvines beast's Twizzlers"?
(Studio audience cheers at Redvines joke)
Malfoy: So, you must be the new Harry Potter. You're the famous bastard. My name is Draco-
Dan in a bored tone: You're Draco Malfoy; you're a racist, you despise gingers and mudbloods, you hate Gryffindor house, and your parents work for the man who killed my mum and dad.
Malfoy: Um… yeah. Will you be my-
Dan: No.
(Malfoy looks disappointed)
Malfoy: The last Potter had funnier reactions. And he was beginning to be my friend.
Dan: Yep, well I'm the real Harry Potter and this is how I act.
(Malfoy slowly and sadly begins to walk out of the room)
Malfoy: This place has really gone to the dogs.
(He falls on ground and slowly rolls out of the room)
(Jacob, Hermione, and Cho walk in)
Cho angrily: Hey! You may be hot but you are a wiener jacket!
Hermione: Yeah! You made Ginny cry, you made Malfoy cry, and you made Ron cry!
Dan: Ron's crying?
Ron's voice from upstairs: What's with Twizzlers? They make no sense! Waaaaa!
Jacob: I want you out of Hogwarts and we want Harry back!
Dan: No! Besides, who's gonna make me leave? Seriously, who?
McGonagall's voice from off stage: ME!
(She walks on with her wand out)
McGonagall: I've always wanted to do this to someone! JELLY LEGS JINX!
(Dan falls with his legs in the air as the audience cheers)
(Goyle and Dumby come in)
Dumby: Grab the sexy boy!
Goyle: YES SIR!
(Both he and Dumbledore pick up and Dan and carry him to a window)
Dan: Wait, no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(They throw him at the window, which smashes as Dan falls out and everyone cheers)
Hermione: Do you think he's alright?
(We hear a loud thump)
Dumby: Nope.
(Ron and Ginny come running down the stairs)
Ron: Is he gone?
Ginny: Is he?
All besides Ron and Ginny: YEP!
Cho: Well chocolate frogs, we killed the other Harry Potter yall!
(Malfoy runs in)
Malfoy: Lads, look who I found!
(Harry walks in and everyone cheers)
Ron: Harry, we're sorry we threw you out.
Jacob: But you're back!
Harry smiling: I love you guys!
(The trio of Harry, Ron, and Hermione all hug as Malfoy tries to join in but is pushed out by Ron)
Harry: So, looks like everything's back to normal.
Ron: Yep.
(Song Harry freaken' Potter begins, however with some changes in the lyrics)
Ron: You're freaken Potter! We now understand you're a legion man to us all. Every son and daughter-
All: SAFE!
Hermione: From you know who. You were small, but I wonder if you can recaaaaaaall!
Jacob: Long story short, this guy (whispers) Voldemort, was super cruel!
Ron: He tried to kill you and you're parents, and this is where it gets intense. Pretty cool!
Ron, Hermione, and Jacob: Even though you were a tiny little boy, you should have died but you survived and then destroyed this evil guy and it's a story we enjoy in town!
All: You're Harry freaken' Potter. We don't prefer the last guy that was here, you are much more of a dear!
(Short dance part, like in the musical AVP sequel)
Harry: I knew that soon I'd be back, I felt at last something I can do so it's time we all knew exactly who I aaaaam! I'm Harry freaken' Potter!
All: You're Harry freaken' Potter! You're Harry freaken Potter!
Harry: I'm the maaaaaaan!
All: Harry freaken' Potter!
(Song ends)
(Commercial break. We return to the scene where it takes place in the Great Hall in the morning)
(Snape walks in)
Dumby: Oh Severus, you're not drunk are you?
Snape: Oh, of course not! I just have a hangover that's all.
(Dumbledore rolls his eyes)
(Rita runs in with an angry face)
Rita: You didn't listen to me! I specifically told you who the real Harry was and you threw out the one I gave you! Why?
Dumby with a sad face: Because he was a meanie.
Rita: Well you probably think I'm the bad guy in this all don't you?
Harry: Well you and fake Harry.
Rita: Fake Harry? Are you saying I was wrong?
Hermione: Well, you always misquote people and get your facts wrong in your articles.
(Rita growls)
Rita: You shouldn't have just said that mudblood. You have just made an enemy of the most powerful reporter…ever. I will get you back!
Ron and Malfoy trying to impress Hermione: You'll have to go threw me!
(They run up, knock into each other, and fall onto the ground)
(Rita raises and eyebrow)
Rita: I'll be back! I am Rita freaken' Skeeta!
Rita actress from the fourth Harry Potter movie: No, I am!
(She runs on and audience laughs)
Starkid Rita: Well, bye! Rita Skeeta out people!
(She runs off and is chased by other Rita)
(Roll and credits)