A very Potter Sitcom
Episode 3, Season 1
(A very little brother)
(TV- 14)
(Opening theme song)
(Scene begins at Hogwarts in the Slytherin common room)
Malfoy: So Goyle, who do you think is the prettiest girl in school?
(Goyle thinks)
Goyle: Oh, Cho Chang. She's super- Megan- Foxy- awesome hot! She must be with me… because Goyle rules!
Malfoy: How about you Crab?
Crab: Lavender Brown.
Malfoy: Yeah, you know what is with that girl's name? Both her first and last names are colors. Whatever, so how about you Theodore?
(Theodore Knot looks at Malfoy)
Theodore: Draco, I'm gay.
(Malfoy raises and eyebrow)
Malfoy: Okay, w- who's the prettiest…. guy in school then?
Theodore: You.
(Malfoy smiles)
Malfoy: Oh thank you, that's very creepy.
(He looks outward as he does in most of his monologues)
Malfoy: I think that the hottest girl is…
(The song "Granger Danger" begins and audience cheers)
Malfoy singing: What? What the hell is this? You expect me to sing about a girl I cannot geeeeeeet? But don't any of you lads freeeeet! Because this means… Daaaaaangeeer! I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love… with Hermione Grangeeeeer! Don't know why I feel so queasy, but soon I wish she didn't love that Weasly. Oh come on! Draco, you gotta let it gooooooo! You gotta let it goooooooaaaaah!
(Grabs crotch area)
Malfoy: What? What the hell is this? A boner! Oh Draco, wake up! I've been mistaken. She is the hottest girl I've ever seen! Noooow, because she's like a girl I've never seen, don't know why I'd ever be so meeeeaan? This could mean… dangeeeeeeerr! I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in looooove! With Hermione Grangeeeer! With Hermione Grangeeeeer! With Hermione Grangeeeeer! Dangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr!
(Song ends and commercial break)
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(Scene begins in the Gryffindor Common room)
(Jacob walks out without his shirt on, with his arm around a beautiful girl)
Jacob in a dizzy voice: I had fun last night! Weeeeeee! Ha ha!
(Snape comes in)
Snape: Alright students of Gryffindor, you have another new student!
Ron: Oh God, please don't be a copy of me.
Snape: No, it's a first year who was delayed for a few weeks in coming here. Please welcome…
(He points at Jacob Kragoff)
Snape dramatically: His little brother!
Jacob: Oh s(bleep).
Snape: Welcome … Chad Kragoff!
(Chad walks out, played by Zachary Gordon who is famous for his role as Greg in Diary of a wimpy kid the movie)
(Crowd cheers and he smiles at the older students then falters and looks at his older brother in fear)
Chad: Oh, h- hey Jacob.
(Snape looks between them)
Snape: I suspect there will be some bullying here soon so as a teacher… I'll just screw it and leave you to it!
(He runs out as Jacob walks up to Chad who is much smaller than Jacob)
Jacob: Perfect. Now I have more time to beat you up. Good old little bro torturing right?
(Chad looks afraid as Jacob and the other Gryffindor boys such as Seamus, Neville, Dean, Harry, and Ron crowd around him)
Ron: Alright kid, we're gonna see if you're really Gryffindor material or if you really belong in Hufflepuff. So here is your first test.
(Jacob puts Chad in a headlock for no apparent reason as Ron questions him)
Ron: Favorite Amy Man song?
Chad: Redvines.
Harry: Favorite Disney actor?
Chad: Zach Efron, aka Zefron!
(Ron puts his fingers together in an evil motion)
Ron darkly: Yes, good.
Seamus: Al righ'. What book series did Twilight rip off?
Chad: The Vampire Diaries.
Dean: Yep, even though Twilight made its movies before Vampire Diaries made the show, the Vamp Diaries books still came first. Now last question-
Neville: W- wait. I thought I got to answer a ques-
Jacob: Shut up Shlongbottom!
Neville cowering: Ah! I'm scared!
Dean: Who is the best quidditch player who was actually a muggle who used to play basket ball?
Chad: Michel Jordon.
Ron: Wait! One more question. What beats the crap out of Twizzlers?
Chad smiling and looking at the camera with a pack of Redvines: Why, it's REDVINES!
(Crowd cheers)
Ron: Oh my God, I love this kid!
(They all hug him, causing him to loose some air)
Harry: And we still get to take our anger out on him and play jokes on him because he's the little kid right?
Jacob (still clutching his brother's neck): Of course!
Chad looking frightened: What! No, wait please.
(They all laugh and pick the boy up)
Ron: We have a little dare for you new kid.
Chad: Aw, crap.
(They take him off the set)
(Scene begins at Defense against the dark arts class with Professor Lockhart speaking)
Lockhart: And that is how I defeated the waga waga gogo gaga werewolf.
(Hermione looks amazed)
Dean: You bitch slapped him across the face and then spit in his eye?
Lockhart: I know. Brilliant right?
Hermione: Brilliant!
Lockhart: I know.
(Suddenly, Chad comes running in with Jacob chasing after him)
Chad scared: Help! I'm sorry Jacob, please don't kill me!
Jacob: You are so freaken dead!
(He grabs Chad and begins to punch him)
Lockhart smiling widely: Stop. You are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him.
(He repeats this without stopping as Harry and Ron pull Jacob off his brother)
Harry: Okay, calm down Jacob. Now just tell us what happened.
Jacob: Well I was sleeping in because I didn't feel well.
Lockhart: Stop, you are hurting him.
Jacob: Then he comes in and hits me on the stomach to wake me up and it hurts. So I decided to talk to him in a civilized manner.
Hermione: And you ended up chasing him all the way from the common room to the third floor and in here?
Jacob: Duh.
Lockhart: Stop, you are hurting him.
Chad: You do it to me all the time! I'm small so I can't defend myself and the ONE time I hit you, I have to die? You suck!
(He begins to cry and runs out of the room, leaving a shocked silence except for Lockhart)
Lockhart: Stop, you are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him. Stop, you are hurting him.
Ron, eating a Redvine: Class dismissed.
(They all get up to leave as Lockhart keeps talking)
(Class empties)
Lockhart: Stop, you are hurting him.
(Scene change)
(Scene begins in the quidditch locker rooms)
(Harry and Jacob walk out with towels around their waists)
Jacob: You know, I wish that little snot would just learn about the older brother privilege.
Harry: The what?
Jacob: Oh yeah, I forgot, you're an only child. Well you see the older brother privilege is basically a set of rules. Never go in the older bro's room, never hit him back, do what he tells you, don't complain about him, do NOT embarrass him, and don't crack jokes against him. Chad has done all of these things, so he must be dealt with.
Harry: Well look man; he is just a little defenseless kid. Maybe you and him can find some way to bond.
Jacob: Really? Hey Ron!
Ron not looking up: What?
Jacob: How many older brothers do you have?
Ron: Too many.
Jacob: Is there a way to bond with them?
Ron: No.
Jacob looking back at Harry: My point exactly.
(He begins walking away before Harry speaks up)
Harry: Do you know what I want most in the world?
Jacob: What?
Harry: A brother, older or younger. Someone to look up to or to teach. I don't have anyone because of Voldemort. You and Ron are really lucky.
Ron not looking up: No I'm not.
Harry: You're really lucky Jacob. You have a little brother. I have no one.
(The song "To have a brother" begins with its slow, saddened theme)
Harry singing: I've been alone for so damn loooooooooooong! But you have someone to tell that it's alright, we won't fight, well at least something along those lines. To share some thoughts, lots ands lots, with two different minds. I wish I had your life. Something good, better than a wife. You should treat him with loooooooooooove! Like he was a gift from aboooooooooove! I wonder what it's like to have a brother. I didn't even have a mother. I had no one to love and bother. Oh! To have a brother. I want a brother! Brotherhood, sisterhood, things as good as thaaaat! Instead of dark magic, no logic, not even a Snape like baaaaat! OOOOOOOOHHHHH! To have a ! I didn't even have a mother. No one to love or bother. Oh, to have a brother.
(Commercial break)
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(Scene begins in the Potions class with most of the students gone except for Jacob)
Jacob to Snape: Um, Professor?
Snape: You are testing my patents! Get out now!
(Jacob stairs at him wide eyed)
Snape: Oh God, I'm sorry; I don't know where the hell that came from.
(Crowd laughs at parody on Snape in Harry Potter video games)
Snape: What's on your mind?
Jacob: It's about-
Snape: Puberty? Can't help you.
Jacob: No. It's about-
Snape: Something school related that teachers need to help you with? Can't help you.
Jacob: It's about my little brother.
Snape: Oh! So HE'S going through puberty. Can't help you.
Jacob: No! It's just that he and I have been fighting and he's a good kid. I don't know what to do.
Snape: Well, maybe you could pick on him in more of a fun brotherly way instead of a mean older brotherly way. He is a good student and I think he's probably not that bad a brother. So you owe it to him to make his life better.
Jacob: Thanks Snape, you know you're a really great guy-
Snape: Now get out of here at once and go do your homework! 20 house points from Gryffindor!
(He runs out)
Jacob: Geez, what… a… dick. Butt trumpet.
(He walks out)
(Scene change)
(Scene begins in Gryffindor common room with Chad sitting on an arm chair alone)
(Jacob walks in)
Jacob: Hey you.
(Chad looks up)
Chad angrily: What do you want?
Jacob: Look, I'm sorry. If I wasn't mean to you then you wouldn't be such a bad little brother.
(Chad raises an eyebrow)
Jacob: Fine, fine. I'm the bad guy, but I'd like to be more of a better person…. um... brother to you.
(He sits in the chair and puts his arm around him)
(Chad smiles)
Chad: You do know I look up to you. You're popular; you have "fun" with the ladies.
Jacob: I swear I never touched her boobs!
Chad: I meant kissing.
Jacob: Oh! Well, then you don't know me all that well.
Chad: So are we like… friends now?
Jacob: Nope. We're brothers.
(They fist bump)
(They then get up and hug)
(We see Malfoy in a corner wiping his eyes)
Malfoy: Aw, how cute.
Jacob: OUT!
Malfoy: Ahh!
(He runs out)
(Scene change)
(Scene changes to Great Hall at dinner)
(Malfoy walks up to Hermione)
Malfoy: Hey, I'm sorry I've been a little depressing lately but I have a proposition for you.
Hermione: Okay and that is?
Malfoy: You ditch the Weasel king and try dating… me!
(Hermione looks offended)
Hermione: How dare you call Ron, my boyfriend, the Weasel King! You are such an ass****!
Malfoy: But so charming?
Hermione: No! You're just a weird little guy. I don't care if you went back in time and saved me from death, you suck!
Ron: Malfoy! You called me the Weasel King?
Malfoy: Yep, Weasel King, I did!
Ron: Come say it to my face!
Malfoy: Alright, I will.
(He drops to the ground and begins to roll across the floor to where Ron and the other Gryffindors and Ravenclaws are)
(Malfoy stands up)
Malfoy: You are the Wea-
(Ron smacks him across the face)
Malfoy: Ah!
(He puts his hand to his nose and withdraws it)
Malfoy after examining hand: I'm bleeding!
(Audience cheers at old Malfoy joke)
Malfoy: You will ALL pay for this! Mark my words!
(Small tune begins as screen begins to black)
Malfoy singing: When I get my reve- oh wait! Hey!
(Blackout)
(Commercial break)
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THE WORLD WIDE FINALE OF ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MOVIE SAGA'S IN THE WORLD.
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS- PART 1 November 2010
PART 2 July 2011
(Scene begins in Dumbledore's office)
(Sorty and Scarfy are making out as Dumbledore comes in)
Dumby: Hey, calm down you two love birds.
Scarfy: Oh Dumbledear!
Dumby: And now for reading.
(He picks up a Twilight book)
Dumby in annoyed voice: Oh God, this IS a crap rip off of Vampire Diaries!
Snake voice in wall: Rip!
(Audience gasps)
Snake voice: Tear! Kill! Kill! Kill!
(Voice moves away)
Dumbledore looks at audience: Hey don't look at me, I can't hear it!
(Quick scene change to Harry, Ron, and Hermione running into the hall)
Hermione: Harry! We told you, we didn't hear any voice!
Ron: Yeah, and we're not deaf.
Harry: But guys, I heard it! It's going to kill somebody!
Hermione: Oh my God Harry! Look on the wall!
(Harry looks at wall)
(In blood red letters, it says "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened, enemies of the air beware")
TO BE CONTINUED
(Roll and credits)