A very Potter Sitcom
Episode 4, season 1
(Mudbloods, murmurs, and Moaning Myrtle)
(TV- PG)
Jacob's voice: Previously on "A very Potter Sitcom".
(Flashbacks)
Snape: Welcome… your brother!
(Dramatically points at Jacob)
(Chad yelling at Jacob about how he is a horrible older brother and then a short clip of where they make up)
(Scene changes to Dumbledore's office)
Evil voice: Rip! Tear! Kill! Kill! Kill!
(Scene changes to Harry, Ron, and Hermione running)
Hermione: Oh my God Harry. Look!
(We see the wall. It says "The chamber of secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware)
(Quick theme song)
(Scene begins on second floor common room)
Harry: The chamber of secrets? What the hell is the chamber of secrets?
Hermione: I don't know!
Ron: Sure, NOW you don't know something!
(We here many people talking as they walk near the hall)
Ron: Oh my God, a stuffed cat.
(We see Mrs. Norris on the wall petrified)
Ron: Let's get out of here.
Harry: Shouldn't we try and help?
Ron: Nope. Let's go-
(Students come in)
Ron: Aw, s(bleep).
(Students gasp)
Student #1: Oh my God!
Cho: Oh my!
Neville: Jesus!
Ginny pointing sadly: Kitty.
(We here Filch's voice)
Filch: What's going on here? What the hell's going ON!
(The actor of Sirius from A very Potter Sequel walks in and crowd cheers)
Filch in normal voice: Ok, why is my cat nailed to the wall?
Harry: Oh it's not that. She's just dead and stuffed.
(Filch stairs at him)
Filch: You little son of a-
(He runs at Harry but is stopped by Ron, Dean, and Jacob)
Dean, as everyone is yelling in panic: Keep the peace! KEEP the peace! Oh lord my God, kill this mighty big dickwad!
(Dumbledore runs in with Snape, McGonagall, and Lockhart)
Dumby: What's going on here?
Filch: He murdered my kitty cat!
Ginny pointing: Kitty.
Snape: Oh relax man!
(Dumbledore rolls his eyes and takes the vodka bottle out of Snape's hand)
Snape, staring at hand: My vodka.
Dumby: Filch, you sir are an idiot. Last time the chamber of secrets was opened, people were petrified, not killed.
(He takes a swig from the bottle)
Lockhart: It was most certainly the Avada Kadavra curse that killed her. So unlucky I wasn't there to he-
Dumby: I said petrified dumbass.
Lockhart: I knew it! I knew it all along!
Dumby: Filch, you were there. We know that the monster inside the chamber was a deadly monster that had the power to petrify people. Muggle born's actually.
Malfoy: Mudbloods? You'll be next… other mudbloods.
(He gets on the ground and rolls around talking)
Malfoy: How do I know this? Because I'M awesome!
Dumby: Draco? Shut…up.
Snape: And Potter couldn't have committed the crime. I saw him at dinner. Now we all must not dwell on this, for it might be Peeves playing jokes.
Filch angrily: It's a pretty sick joke!
Malfoy, still on floor: Really? I find it quite funny.
Filch: Die Malfoy! DIE!
(He is held back by McGonagall and Snape)
Lockhart: Don't stop. He is trying to hurt him. Don't stop. He is trying to hurt him. Don't stop, he is trying to hur-
Dumby: Hush little dumb blonde, hush.
(He turns to students)
Dumby: Now, relax kiddies. We'll be able to cure Norris-
Ginny, still pointing: Kitty.
Dumby: Yes. Now I am going to go make out with my poster of Head Master Zefron. Bye- bye!
(He walks out)
.
(Scene changes in dark hall with a spotlight on Snape)
Snape: Attention all Hogwartian children. We shall be starting a dueling club quite soon, so if you wish to learn how to defend yourselves with magic like you do in DADA class (but not with Lockhart teaching) then sign up! Now… Snape vanish.
(He walks off)
(Scene changes in Gryffindor common room with Harry kissing Ginny on couch)
(Hermione and Ron come)
Hermione: Hey Harry?
Harry: Huh? Yeah, what?
Hermione: Have you been thinking about that night at all? Like how there was water all over the floor?
(Harry thinks)
Harry: No, I haven't really given it much thought.
Hermione: Well I think I know where it came from.
(Harry turns back to Hermione with his glasses fogged from kissing Ginny)
Harry: Okay then, let's go.
Ginny: Bye.
Harry and Ron: See ya!
(They all run out)
(Ginny sighs happily)
Ginny singing without music: Haaaaaaaryyyyyy. Haaaaaaaryyyyyy. I'm glad you see what you're doing to me.
(Scene change)
(Scene begins on second floor corridor)
Ron in a grumpy voice: Man, Wizards of Waverly place is on. Why the hell are we always doing something during Wizards of Waverly place? I mean seriously, I can't-
Harry: Here Ron. Ron? Snack.
(He hands him a pack of Redvines)
Ron slowly: Oh… my…God. (Changes to sing song voice) Thank you!
(Hermione rolls her eyes)
Hermione: Okay, guys. Now I remember there was water all over the floor when Mrs. Norris the kitty cat was attacked. So all we need to do is find where it came from. But there aren't any faucets in the hall way.
Harry: Um Hermione? I don't wanna be the one to point out the stupidity of a smart person, but-
(He points)
Harry: There's a bathroom right over there.
(Hermione looks in the direction of his pointing)
Hermione: Right. How did I miss that?
(There is a cartoon swirling image with the trio's faces in it like in the super hero cartoons. Ron's head yells as he falls out of the image)
(Scene changes to the girl's bathroom)
Ron: Well… I don't see any urinals. I think we might be in a girl's pisser room.
Hermione: Yeah, but there won't be anyone in here. This is Moaning Myrtle's place.
Harry and Ron: Who?
Hermione scoffs and speaks: Honestly, don't you two ever read? She's mentioned in "Top Ten most annoying kids at Hogwarts".
(The upbeat, slightly annoying, theme of "Moaning Myrtle begins)
(Moaning Myrtle comes out, very pale and played by the actress of Lily Potter from A very Potter Sequel)
Myrtle singing: Do you think I don't know what people call me behind my back? They always commit on how looks are the things that I lack! They never get it any trouble or have to take the rap. I'm the one who's stuck here, who has to take this crap! I'm just a… miserable, very dismal, ugly, frumpy, lowing, moaning MYRTLE! I am a moaning Myrtle. People come and laugh at my death! I am a moaning Myrtle. I have no longer any breath. I am a sad little pathetic, pimply thing! Rudeness is all anyone wants to ever bring! I hate my life. I could never be a wife, even if I was alive! They would rather throw me on a bee hive! I am a moaning Myrtle. I am nothing more than just a little Myrtle. So, if you have anything to say, say it to my face! Now get out of my way! I want to get a life, and be a wife. Because I… AM… A… MOANING… MYRTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEE!
(Song ends)
Hermione: Hi Myrtle. We're just here to ask some questions-
Myrtle: What? You probably want to ask why I'm so ugly don't you!
Ron: No, we wanted to ask if you saw anything but you're more than welcome to answer that question for us.
Hermione: Ron! (Looks at Myrtle) Now Myrtle, he was just kidding. I'm pretty frumpy too but I have a boyfriend and-
Myrtle: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(She runs offstage screaming)
Hermione: Ow, right in the ear. Honestly, that was almost cheerful for Myrt-
Myrtle offstage: !... AAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Harry: Okay so-
Myrtle: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Ron: Let's just go. Let's just g-
Myrtle: !
(Hermione scoffs. They all exit)
(Commercial break)
Advertisement: If you enjoy "A very Potter Sitcom" then log on to our website at "www. ". Here you will find the web show "Potion's Master's Corner" by the actor of Snape him self from "A very Potter Sitcom". Now, back to the show
(Scene begins in Dumbledore's office with Snape and McGonagall)
(We see Dumbledore making out with the portrait of Zefron)
Snape with wide eyes: Um… headmaster?
(Dumbledore looks up with fogged glasses)
Dumby: Yeah? Aw, crap.
(He throws off glasses)
Dumby: What can I do for ya?
McGonagall: Professor? Now, you know we love you-
Dumby solemnly: You're getting rid of my because of what I did to the cute foreign exchange boy.
(Snape and McGonagall stare at him wide eyed)
McGonagall: No, this is about the chamber of secrets. Wh- what did you do to the foreign kid?
Dumby stars and speaks: Um… Severus, how was your day?
Snape still wide eyed: Normal up to now.
McGonagall: Okay, so now I have to deal with this chamber of secret crap. So tell me- who was it last time? I was never told even after I was unpetrified.
Snape: You were petrified?
McGonagall: Shh.
Dumby: Okay. It was- oh hold on.
(He looks at audience and screen)
Dumby: If you have not read or seen the film of Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets, then shut your eyes and ears 'cause we spoil a bit here. Just don't turn us off because we need our ratings. Now Professors, it was... Hagrid! Well that's what all the stupid shallow people thought. I was sure of it actually being Tom Riddle.
Snape: Why him?
Dumby: Because he's Tom freaken' Voldemort that's why!
(Scene changes to Gryffindor tower)
(Harry is sitting with Chad)
Harry: So, you're not scared are you?
Chad: I think it's all a big ploy of Peeves.
Harry: Hm. I wouldn't put it past him. So how's Hogwarts for ya?
Chad: Pretty good.
(Jacob runs in)
Jacob: Hey! Look what I found! It's a flyer from downstairs.
(Gryffindors all crowd around)
Seamus: What is it?
Jacob: It's a notice saying that they're starting a dueling club.
Dean: Bloody bitch!
(He looks at Seamus who shakes his head)
Seamus: Don't try, that's my thing.
Ron: Well, I'll join.
Harry: Same here. I already killed Voldemort, might as well see how to do spells instead of guessing like I usually do.
Hermione: I hope Lockhart teaches it!
(All boys make revolted sounds)
Ron: He's a brainless git.
Hermione: He is not a brainless git!
Ron: Just because he said you were the best in our year-
(Hermione runs quite close to Ron in shock)
Hermione quickly: He said that? Tell me when said that. Tell me NOW!
(Ron steps back)
Ron: Oh crap!
Harry: Well, I'm signing up. Who else is?
(Everyone says "me" and crowd around the sign up sheet)
(Commercial break)
(Scene begins in Great Hall)
(They are all crowded around small, dueling stage. Lockhart comes in with Snape and the fast, excited theme of "Dueling club" begins)
Lockhart singing: Welcome all of you today! Time to make the evil pay! I shall train you to be fast. Better than the last! You of course will not be, quite as good as me.
Snape singing: Don't listen to that great big fraud. When he talks I think "Oh my God"! I will teach you to be better than him! If you're not so damn dim! I shall teach you how to duel! It's all about power and ridicule! You better not be a nub, if you wanna last in dueling club!
Students singing and dancing: We shall learn how to duel! If I am not a fool! Trust me, I am not a nub. I will last in dueling club! I will last in dueling club! I will last in dueling club!
(Song ends)
Snape: Wow, that was a short song!
Lockhart: Now let's have a pair. Potter, Weasly. How 'bout you?
Snape: Weasly's wand causes devastation to the simplest spells.
(Ron gasps in a gay way)
Ron: How dare you?
Snape: We'll be sending Potter to the Hospital wing in a match box.
Ron: Aha! I can do magic. I learned how to turn people into matches.
(Snape rolls his eyes)
Snape: I think he should be partnered up with Malfoy.
(Looks back)
Snape: Draco!
Malfoy's voice: Coming!
(He rolls onto stage as usual and stands to greet Harry with his wand)
Malfoy: I have come to kill you.
Lockhart: Actually it's disarm only, but be creative you know. (Laughs annoyingly as Snape rolls his eyes)
Lockhart: On the count of three. One-
(He stands in the same position for the rest of the events that take place)
Malfoy: Serpentsourisia!
(A snake appears out of the wand and lands on the ground)
(It makes a sudden movement toward Justin Finch Fletchly, played by Nick Lang)
Harry: Leave him alone!
Lockhart without noticing the events: Two-
(The snake stops)
Snape: Ew! Snake! Kill it! I got killed with that spell once! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
(Ron yells and runs up with Neville and begins bashing Neville onto the snake until both Neville and the snake aren't moving)
Ron in sing song voice: I got it!
Snape: Yay! Now Potter, what the hell did you just do?
Harry: I- d- don't know what you mean.
Justin: Parstlemouth!
(Everyone yells and runs off except for Ron, Hermione, and Lockhart)
Ron: You can talk to snakes. Why didn't you tell us?
Harry: I can what?
Hermione: Oh, come here Harry.
(She pulls him and Ron off set)
Lockhart: Three. GO!
(He looks around)
Lockhart: I didn't mean 'go' as in leave. Okay, bye- bye!
(He walks offstage)
(Dumbledore walks in)
Dumby: Hey, where is everybody? Aw well, I wanted to see two shirtless boys fighting, but its back to the drawing board for me!
(Roll and credits)