A very Potter Sitcom
Episode 5, season 1
(Parstletoung)
(TV- 14)
(Flashback of Harry speaking to snake at dueling club)
(Theme song)
(Scene begins in Gryffindor common room with only Harry, Ron, and Hermione)
Ron: You're a freaken' Parstlemouth! Why didn't you tell us?
Harry: Uh… what's a… what's a Parstlemouth?
Ron: Oh it doesn't matter now Harry.
(Short silence)
Hermione: Ron, it matters now more than ever.
Ron: Oh.
Hermione: Harry, a Parstlemouth is someone who can speak Parstletoung.
(Harry stairs)
Harry: Um, I don't know what the hell Parstletoung is so that doesn't shed anymore light on the subject at all.
Ron: It's snake language.
Hermione: Harry, have you ever spoken to a snake before?
Harry quickly: Well I was having a political discussion with a very kindly snake gentleman at a dinner party where we discussed the matters of the possibilities of a third muggle world war, how the American President Obama would react, the possible action that would be of our Prime Minister, and the most likely outcome for the United Kingdom.
Ron: Okay….. what?
Hermione: Harry, this means that you're a Parstlemouth.
Harry: I know that, you've mentioned. Uh, so what's so bad about that?
Hermione: Harry it's a dark art! It was practiced by Salazar Slytherin and…. Voldemort.
(Silence)
Hermione: Oh, and the villain from Lord of the Rings, but that's beside the point.
Harry: But I can't be.
Ron: Harry, Slytherin lived like…a bigillian years ago.
Hermione: Yeah, for all we know… you could be his descendent.
(Scene changes to Dumbledore's office with Dumbledore, Snape, and Lockhart present)
Snape: Headmaster, I am telling you! Potter spoke Parstletoung. In the words of little children; that's a language of bad potty words.
Dumby: Well you yourself said that some of Voldy's powers might have been blasted into Harry so I'm just hoping that everything will work out like it always does.
(Short silence)
Snape: Okay, things have NEVER worked out for us all. Our life's suck. You and I were killed-
Lockhart: Well, you killed him Severus.
Snape pointing at Dumby: (In childish voice) He told me to!
Dumby: Alright, I'm sure Harry Potter is not evil. So why don't we all relax, take a breather, and go to bed. Now which one of you would like to join me this evening?
(Lockhart and Snape say their lines at the same time)
Snape: No thank you.
Lockhart: Goodbye!
(They walk out)
Dumby: Well that sucks for them.
(Turns and leaves)
Dumby: Hey Scarfy! Wanna go for a late night swim in our hidden swimming pool?
Scarfy's voice: I'm married you moron!
(Commercial break)
A very Potter Sitcom is brought to you and part by Redvines.
Don't miss tomorrow's episode of Family Guy.
Now back to the show on Comedy Central.
(Scene begins in the Slytherin common room)
Malfoy: I can't believe Potter is the heir of Slytherin! Well, he can't be! Even if he does speak snake language, he's still way too much of a square to try anything like that!
(Picks up a drug cigarette and takes a smoke)
(See's Crab and Goyle's looks of shock)
Malfoy: What? The great wizard Gandalf freaken' smoked.
(Audience cheers and laughs at Lord of the Rings reference)
Malfoy: Now if I was the heir of Slytherin, I would kill every last mudblood in the school. Especially that Herman Granger!
(The dark, angry theme of "If I was Slytherin's heir begins)
Malfoy sings: If I was the heir of Slytherin, I would be evil and would be evilly slithering! (Slithering pronounced as Slitheren') I would gut all of those damn muggle borns! I would use a knife or a pair of erumpent horns! If I was the heir of Slytherin! If I was the one to open the chamber of secrets, I would make sure to keep it a secret! Oh yes (dark, evil beat) if I (dark, evil beat) was the heir of Slytherin!
(Theme slows down to sad and remorseful)
Malfoy singing as if about to cry: Oh daddy! Oh daddy. Even if you weren't my dad! I miss you; your death does NOT make me glad, anymore. I will kill-
(Back to evil theme)
Malfoy singing angrily: kill Potter! And his friends! I will make sure his spine bends! He will die! And I, will have you proud of me in heeeeeelllll! This shall be quite the story to teeeeeelllllll! Even if I am not the HEIR… OF…. SLYTHERIN! I am not some damn little poofa! I am tall to a little ompa loompa! I am strong! My plan will be long! I will be evilly slithering! Oh, if I was the heir of Slytherin!
(Song ends and audience cheers)
(Scene changes to field near Hogwarts)
(Harry is sitting with Hedwig, played by a robotic bird controlled by a worker offstage)
(Depressed theme of "Who am I Hedwig?" starts)
Harry, looking at Hedwig: Who am I Hedwig?
Hedwig voiced by actress of Myrtle: Harry freaken' Potter of course.
Harry: Well then, what am I?
Hedwig: The worst thing ever…. A boy.
(Female members of audience cheer)
Harry singing: Who am I Hedwig?
Hedwig singing: I just answered that you head pig.
Harry speaking: Uh… what's a… what's a head pig?
Hedwig singing: Oh it does not matter now little Potter. But chin up, after all, don't be such a snotter!
Harry singing sadly: I miss being the cool kid in school. I wish I was more than this new me who is such a bit of poo. I miss the way things were.
Hedwig: Why? They've always sucked.
Harry singing: But now this whole place has been f(bleep)ed! I miss it all, I might begin to bawl. Why does everything have to suck? I mean seriously, what the fu-
(Siren wails)
Hedwig speaking: Oh look, a fire truck.
Harry singing: Well there goes all of my luck!
(Harry begins to walk a bit)
Harry singing: Ginny and the others seem to resent me. Why, oh why can't Satin leave me be? I am not some gay wad! So now I turn… to… God!
(He looks up to the sky)
Harry singing: Help me oh lord. Please don't be bored. I need some help. I'm in a sticky whelp! Oh God, please help me. Make your old foe Satin leave me be. Help me oh my God.
(After a short instrumental part, the song ends)
(Harry sits back down)
(Chad Kragoff walks in)
Chad: Oh hey Harry.
Harry angrily: Aren't you gonna run away like all of the other dicks here?
(Chad looks shocked)
Chad: Jeez, sorry.
Harry calmly: No I'm sorry. I was being the dick there. Come here.
(Chad obeys and sits next to Harry)
(Harry puts his arm around Harry)
Harry: You know you're like a little brother to me.
Chad: Thanks.
(He smiles)
Chad: Harry, I know you're not the heir of Slytherin. You're WAY to good a person. I mean you killed Voldemort. You are the best guy I know. I really look up to you.
(Harry smiles)
Harry: You mean that?
(Snape comes in)
Snape: Of course he bloody believes it Potter. I also personally think that you aren't Slytherin's heir. You're too much of a square. Hey that rhymes. Anyway, you probably only speak Parstletoung because of Voldemort's powers being blasted into-
(He runs over to Harry and pokes his nose)
Snape: - you.
Snape: I quite honestly respect you. I'm sure that there's nothing you need to worry about. Although I mean I would rather be related to Slytherin than those damned Dearsly's. So why don't you two go back to your corny scene of friendship and Snape will now vanish.
(He turns to run but trips over his own feet and falls down the hill and out of sight)
(Harry and Chad get up to look as we hear Snape yelling while he falls)
Snape calling: I'm okay! I landed on my knee- OW! Okay, I'm NOT okay!
Harry: Well, thank you Chad. You really made me feel better.
Snape calling in sing song voice: Hello? I am still in agonizing pain here!
(Harry and Chad laugh and go down to help the Professor)
(Commercial break)
(Scene begins in Gryffindor common room)
(Ron, Hermione, Jacob, Seamus, Dean, Cho, and Lavender are all standing near the fire place)
(Harry and Chad both walk in with Harry looking surprised at the gathering and Chad not looking shocked)
Harry: What the bloody hell's going on here?
Ron: We wanted to show you that we all still love you.
Jacob: We even brought some of our Ravenclaw friends to say hi.
Cho: Me- how Harry Potter.
(She bows and Harry smiles)
Hermione: Um, there's one person who wanted to speak to you particularly.
(As Ginny enters the song "Not alone" from the first musical starts to play)
(Harry smiles and almost starts to cry)
Ginny: I've been alone, surrounded by darkness, and I've seen how heartless the world can be. I've seen you crying, you felt like it's hopeless. I'll always do my best to make you see 'Cause baby you're not alone! 'Cause you're here with me, And nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'Cause nothin can keep me from lovin you and you know it's true that it don't matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through. Now I know it aint easy.
Harry singing solemnly: No, it aint easy.
Ginny singing with hope: But it aint hard tryin'!
Harry singing: So hard trying'!
Ginny: Every time I see you smilin', I feel you so close to me! So tell me,
Harry and Ginny singing: That baby you're not alone! 'Cause you're here with me, and nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you! And you know it's true, it don't matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through.
Harry singing: Well I still have trouble; I trip and stumble, trying to make sense of things some times. I look for reasons, but I don't need 'em. All I need is to look in your eyes and I realiiiiiiiiiiiiize-
(He looks at the others and smiles as everyone joins in)
All singing: Baby you're not alone, 'cause you're here with me, and nothing's ever gonna take us down, 'cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you and you know it's true that it don't matter what'll come to be... our love is all we need to make it through!
(Song ends and audience cheers)
Harry: I love you guys!
(Group hug and audience claps some more)
(Roll and credits)
Author's note: There will NOT be an episode uploaded next week. There will be a Halloween special the week after that. Please, PLEASE review. I really wanna know what you think. I hope you enjoyed. The song "Not alone" belongs to Starkid productions, not me. I do however own the lyrics of "If I was the heir of Slytherin". Hope you enjoyed this. If any of you have ideas for lyrics to songs that I could put in this, feel free to send them to me by a privet message on my profile page. If you do, I will give you credit for them of course.