A very Potter Sitcom
Episode 7
Ron and Herman
(TV- 14)
A very Potter Sitcom is brought to you and part by
Redvines
(Suck it Twizzlers)
Announcement: Don't miss the new Sci- Fi comedy "Starships" by Starkid productions and YouTube movies, coming February 2011.
(Theme song)
(Scene begins in Gryffindor common room with Harry, Hermione, Ron, Jacob, Chad, Neville, Dean, Seamus, and for some reason Cho and Lavender)
(Ron walks in clutching his stomach)
Ron moaning: Oh why in HELL did I eat that candy?
Harry: Well, how much did you even eat on Halloween?
(Ron thinks)
Ron: Well all I had was about-
Ron quickly: 10 snickers, six… REDVINES!... two KitCats, one mini pie, seven assorted bearty bots beans, three chocolate frogs, a king size Hershey bar, two Twizzlers that made me VOMIT, sixteen Dove bar bags, and a whole lot of REDBULL!
(Audience laughs and cheers)
Chad: I had one crunch bar.
Hermione: My parents say that candy's bad for your tee-
Ron: Hermione, I am your boyfriend. So I believe that it is up to me to tell you to… shut up! Okay, Oh just shut up.
(Hermione scoffs)
Hermione angrily: Oh! So it's your right to just push me around and boss me around? Is that what you think?
Neville: Well he did just say that so I think that logically-
Hermione: Stay outta this Shlongbottom!
Ron: Hermione, I just thought that when you're not dating, a girl was the boss but when you went out then it changes.
Girl in audience: Boo!
Hermione angrily: You're damn right boo! Ron, you are NOT the boss of me and there is no way in heaven, hell, or on Earth that you will EVER, EVER, EVER BE THE BOSS OF ME!
Ron scared: Oh s(bleep).
Hermione: If you are just gonna be some moron who can't think for himself but still thinks that he's dominate then… then… then I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!
(Everyone gasps, including Jacob who does it in a girly fashion)
Ron: But Hermione, I thought you loved me.
(Pause)
Hermione: I thought that too, but you just-
Ron: Hermione please!
(The song "Hermione's stutter" begins in the same theme of "Stutter" from A very Potter Sequel)
Hermione singing angrily: Remember that time (beat, beat) when you wouldn't talk to me? (Beat, beat) Yeah you wouldn't talk to me! (Beat, beat) Yesterday, (Song speeds up) we were gettin' along! We had a little dancing thing, well here's a song I sing, THE GRANGER WAY!
(Song pauses)
Hermione: Oh my God, I am a little Umbridge.
Ron angrily: Oh yeah? Well,
(Song resumes)
Ron singing: Remember that time (Beat, beat) when you thought you were at the top, but now I know I'm better off (Beat, beat) without you!
Hermione singing: Oh yeah? Well baby, come on, come on!
Both singing angrily: Why don't you tell me dude-
Hermione singing: That you were always gonna stuff your face!
Ron singing: That your tears were always all OVER THE PLACE!
Hermione singing: Why you gotta be like that? I don't like the way you act-
Ron singing: Around YOU? Oh no, (Longer beat) I thought you were looser but now I'm off the phone because I remembered the way you bitch and moan. Do you remember the way you thought you were way outta line, now you're way outta time
Hermione not singing: RON! YOU ARE EMBARISING ME! WE AREN'T EVEN GETTING THE LYRICS TO UMBRIDGE'S SONG COMPLETELY RIGHT!
Ron singing: Well… too bad you weren't looser; too bad you waste my time,
Hermione singing: Good thing that I'm around to keep your ASS IN LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
(Song and scene fades as Ron and Hermione begin yelling at each other)
(Commercial break)
(Scene begins in Dumbledore's office with him, Hermione, Ron, and Snape)
Snape: Now children, we have heard that you two have decided to break up.
Ron: Okay, who the hell told you two that?
Dumby: Ron, I'm the headmaster of Hogwarts and the whole thing about your relationship is a complete secret, so naturally the whole (bleep)ing school knows.
(Audience cheering at reference to first book)
Hermione in snobby voice: Well I don't think that it's a good idea for Ron and I to continue our… our
Snape: Sexual relationship?
Hermione: Yes, our… ugghh… relationship.
Ron: Did you just say (imitating Hermione) "ugghh"?
Hermione: Yep, I did.
Dumby: Well, I mean it's not like you two actually had sex. (Laughs)
(Silence)
Dumby angrily: Do you mean to tell me that you two had SEX while in Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry?
Ron: No we did it at the burrow last summer when my mom was out.
Dumby: Well than HOT DOG Ron, you da man!
(They high five)
Hermione: Professor, I thought you hated the way I look.
Dumby: Oh yeah. I forgot. Ron, what in the hell is the matter with you?
Snape: If I may make a suggestion; we could sign the children up for relationship counseling?
(Ron and Hermione both babble random excuses together)
Dumby: Well, than it's settled. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the little ladies room.
Snape: Professor-
Dumby: Oh come on! Why can't you straights just let us gays pretend that we're women?
Snape: Well, why couldn't white people have played things nice with the Native Americans, why couldn't Europeans have called black people brown people, why couldn't we all just realize that Asians are trying to make their eyes look wider? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!
(Pause)
Snape: If the good lord had intended for none of us to be racist, he would have given us common sense.
Hermione: What do you mean by common sense?
Snape: Oh, you see a black person and that automatically makes them bad. Does that sound like smart individual thinking to you?
(Scene changes to small room that looks like a gypsy lives there)
(Ron and Hermione enter and look around nervously)
Ron: Whoa, what is this place?
Woman's voice in strong tone: It is the resident of the Hogwarts gypsy known as Trelawney. I am the goddess of seeing, and have been gifted with the sight! I come forth to give you some dating advice NOW!
(Jane Lynch walks out in yellow over robe and audience begins to cheer and clap)
Trelawney in normal voice: Welcome. Sit down kids and let's have a little talk.
(They sit)
Hermione: Um… Professor, I'm not really into divination-
Trelawney: Neither am I. I think it's all bull(bleep).
(Snape comes out from behind a corner, says "Bulls**t" and disappears)
Trelawney: You see; the trouble with school is that they always try and teach the wrong lesson. Just dance through life and you'll be fine.
Hermione: Isn't that a "Wicked" song?
Ron: It doesn't sound wicked.
(Hermione glares)
Ron: What' I do?
Hermione: Not "wicked" as in "cool". I meant the musical Wicked.
Ron: Oh I hate musicals. You'll never catch me in one of those.
(Hermione rolls her eyes)
Trelawney: Okay, just understand that I aint here to teach you kids stuff. I'm here to do the same thing I did at that muggle high school to those Glee losers.
(Audience cheers and laughs)
Trelawney: I'm here to make your little; tiny, insignificant lives a living hell.
(The song "Trelawney's living hell" begins with a joking, sinister theme to it)
Trelawney signing: I am not a big fan of kids; get me a day off God forbids! I just wanna make you have a story to tell as you go through Trelawney's living hell! I'm not that old, I'm very clean. However, I'm not that young, and I'm really mean. I've got a lot on my mind, so you kids stay outta the way or with a rope you'll be bind! I gotta lot do, I don't have a lot of time to screw, I make a living at this freaken' school; but in the end I am very cool! So remember, stay out of the way or you shall pay. I'll give make you use a computer by dell, as you enter Trelawney's living hell.
(Actors of guys from Glee begin dancing in background)
(Song ends)
Hermione: Professor, aren't you gonna give us any advice?
Trelawney: Oh just get over your problems with some tequila! Now get outta here.
(Commercial break)
(Scene changes to Gryffindor common room)
(Ron and Hermione are sitting on separate sides of the room as Harry walks in)
(Harry looks at both of them, wondering who he should sit with)
Harry: Um… who should I sit with? Oh God I hate it when they make me choose.
(He begins walking towards Hermione who smiles)
Ron: Harry?
(Harry turns and walks to Ron)
Hermione: Harry?
(He turns)
Ron: Harry?
(Turns)
Hermione: Harry?
(Turns)'
(As this is happening, Jacob walks in and sees them all)
Jacob: What the hell?
(Scene changes to Slytherin common room)
(Malfoy is sitting on the couch in between Goyle and, for some reason, Puck)
Malfoy: You know lads; I think that Granger breaking up with weasel can provide and excellent opportunity to-
Puck: Bang her?
Malfoy cheerfully: Why yes boy from Glee. I want to… bang her. (Smiles)
Goyle grumbling: Why won't any girl go out with me? Goyle rules.
Malfoy: Oh Goyle, maybe you don't rule after all.
(Goyle turns his head slowly toward Malfoy and leans in so that his nose is touching Malfoy's)
Goyle: I am awesome. You are not. Ha…. ha.
Malfoy: Well then, I'm going to go and try.
(He gets up and slowly, smugly, and confidently he begins to walk out)
(Heroic theme plays as he walks through Hogwarts and students start to clap while shouting things like "Go and get her Draco!"
(He walks in the Gryffindor common room and stops in front of Hermione)
Hermione: What?
(Malfoy begins to shake nervously and fearfully)
Malfoy: Um…. Uh… I… uh… Oh crap, I just peed!
(Runs out)
Hermione: What the hell?
(Malfoy runs into bathroom where Ron is standing)
Malfoy looking confident: I just impressed Granger Weasly.
Ron: Then why are your pants all wet?
Malfoy: I have to go!
(He runs out)
Ron: *Scoffs* Dumbass.
(Harry walks in)
Harry: Ron?
Ron: What?
Harry: You've got to get back together with her man.
Ron: NO! She's a bitch. I don't ever wanna deal with her again.
(Looking like he's about to cry, Ron walks out of the bathroom)
Harry: This might be hard.
(Ending theme)