A very Potter Sitcom
Season 1, Episode 9
"Suck it Twilight"
(TV-14)
For more AVPS fun, go to www.a very potter sitcom. (no spaces)
Harry's voice: A very Potter Sitcom is filmed in front of a live studio audience. So take that Icarly!
(Jacob from AVP Sitcom comes on blank white screen)
Jacob: Oh, hello there Harry Potter fans. Now, the first part of deathly hallows has finally been released and the HUGE majority LOVED IT! Now, this proves that Twilight SUCKS and Harry Potter IS AWESOME! However, what will happen when the idiotic vampire rip offs on Twilight are angry at their terrible reviews on "Eclipse" and "Full moon" or "Blood moon" or whatever the hell it's called? They'll read how their enemies have gotten brilliant reviews on the new finale film and they shall want revenge. Let's see what happens.
(Screen goes dark and we start at a crane shot of a large but empty warehouse)
(Large words appear on the screen)
YOUTUBE CHANNLE PROUDLY PRESENTS….
A SHORT FILM THAT WILL GET THE F***ING MESSAGE TO TWILIGHT THAT THEY SUCK.
A VERY POTTER SITCOM'S….
"SUCK IT TWILIGHT"
DIRECTED BY NICK LANG
(AS BEGINNING CREDITS COME UP, THE DARK THEME AND SOUND OF "Avenge the Vamps" starts)
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR- JAKE PHILLIPS
WRITTEN BY THE "A VERY POTTER SITCOM" WRITTER
Musical Direction: Bruce Kiesling
Choreography: James Tolbert
Music & Lyrics: Jacob Kragoff (not real name of mine) writer for "A very Potter Sitcom" with help from Lion King Song "Be prepared"
Starring: AVPS cast
Also starring: Shane Dawson as Edward, Brian F. as Jacob, Jeremy S. and Megan Fox and Kayne West as Vampire Trio, and Julia Albain as Bella.
(The camera swoops down to the inside of the warehouse and we see all of the Twilight people I have just named arguing and yelling at each other)
(Edward steps up on a small platform and shoots a gun in the air)
(They all stop)
Jacob from Twilight: That was a blank right?
Edward: Of course it was.
(Man falls from ceiling onto floor in front of them)
Edward: Crap. Oh well.
(Music picks up)
Edward singing: I know we have failed in our task to shove Harry Potter aside. We got bad reviews while they became Hollywood's pride. I know that you all want revenge. Something to make them pay. So let me teach you how to avenge…. and SOON we shall have more prey.
Jacob singing: But what if we are to die and leave poor Bella to cry?
Bella singing: We fight to the death.
Edward singing: Instead of making meth. We shall have reveeeeeeennngee!
James singing: So we haven't lost?
Edward singing: No, we'll soon be boss. It's clear from your blank expression that the lights in the hall are all scarce but we're talking Oscars and successions. Even YOU can't be caught unawares. So prepare for the chance of life time. Prepare for sensational news! A shining new era is ticking nearer.
Victoria singing: And where do WE fetcher?
Edward singing: Just listen to teacher. I know it sounds sorted but you'll be rewarded when at last I am given my due! Yes Twilight shall have more than small lamps, avenge the vaaaaaammps!
Laurent speaking: YAY! Twilight will win, twilight will win! But how?
Edward: We're gonna kill David Yates. Harry Potter too.
James cheering: Great idea! Who needs a fantasy film?
Vampire Trio: No film, no film! LALALALALALA!
Edward angrily: IDIOTS! There will be a film!
Laurent: Yeah but you said-
Edward: WE shall make a film. Stick with me and you'll never be out of an acting job again!
Vampire trio: YAY! Alright! All I ever wanted was a film! HAHAAAA!
All except Edward singing: It's great that we'll soon be connected! With a director that will lead us out the door.
Edward singing: Of course with pro quo you're expected to take certain duties on board. The future is littered with prizes; and though that I make reality, the point I must have prophesized is…. YOU WON'T GET A SNIF WITHOUT ME!
(Two second chorus)
Chorus: HEHEHEHE!
Edward singing loudly with others chanting along with him: So prepare for the queue of the century. Be prepared for the merckious scam!
Chorus: SHA LALALA!
Edward singing: Monticules planning, tomist disbanding, the crate of denial, will seep me while I'll be king undisputed. Respected, saluted, and seen for the wonder I AM!
Chorus: AM! LALALA!
Edward singing: Yes Twilight will have no small lamp. Avenge the VAAAAAAMMPP!
All singing: Yes Twilight will have no small lamp. AVENGE THE VAAAAAAAMMMMPPP!
(Music slows)
(Screen darkens as Edward cackles madly and evilly)
(We go back to white screen and we see AVP Sitcom Jacob starring wide eyed)
Jacob: Oh s(bleep).
(Commercial break)
Announcer: You're watching a brand new episode of "A very Potter Sitcom"
Now back to the show!
(We return to the Great Hall to see Dumbledore standing)
Dumby: Good morning chilites! Now I have exciting news. The new movie based on "HARRY POOOOOTTTEEEERR'S" adventures is out in theaters. It got great reviews and shoved Percy Jackson and more importantly, Twilight out of the damn way so that we could marvel ourselves in the beauty of it all. Wonderful right?
(All agree and some cheer like Ron)
Jacob: Now I am going to just say that it has been an honor to be with you all. And the movie was EPIC!
(More cheering from students)
Harry: Yeah, well we've all been together for a long time. Whoever thought a series about a school of magic in Scotland that made the first one based on a little tiny red stone would actually be more epic than Lord of the Rings soon?
(Audience laughs)
Harry: Why, I remember when I first got the letter to Hogwarts.
(Image shimmers to Harry in clothes he wore in the beginning of "A very Potter Sequel")
(Harry is at a school with many muggle kids yelling)
Teacher next to mean looking boy: Dudley! Get in here!
(The actor of Augustus Gloop from the new Charlie and the chocolate factory film comes in eating wonka bars)
Dudley in false British voice: Yeah?
(Audience cracks up)
Mean boy: Don't worry Dudley, I didn't tell her how you smoked the W… E… E… D.
(Teacher rolls her eyes as audience laughs)
Teacher: I can spell you know.
(Man comes in)
Man: Got a letter for a mister H. Potter?
Harry: Oh, that's me.
(He is handed the letter)
(He opens it and soft happy music begins)
Harry starts to sing: Could this be real-
(Music stops)
Man: Uh, sign here please?
Harry: Oh yeah, sure.
(He scribbles his signature and the scene returns to the present)
Harry: Yep, that was about it.
(Dumbledore smiles)
Dumby: Okay then, now we have some very good news. We have a new student.
Snape to sky: OH GOD, NOT ANOTHER ONE!
Dumby: His name is-
(Reads off slip of paper)
Dumby: Eddie… Colin.
Hermione: Well, is he here today?
Dumby: Uh…yeah. He's just outside that door where all of our new characters come in.
(Door swings open and Edward walks in)
Edward: Why hello there my good man.
Dumby: *Gasps* Another Gay guy! *squeals joyfully*
Edward angrily: I'M NOT GAY!
Dumby relaxing: Oh I'm sorry, it's the hair.
(Edward rolls his eyes and curses under his breath)
Dumby to students: Now kids, I want you to welcome him to our school formally and I hope that he's not bothered by the fact there's a monster roaming around attacking muggle borns like him.
Edward shocked: WHAT?
Dumby: Off to classes, bye byyyyyyyyeee!
(Walks off)
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione walk up to Edward)
Harry: Hey dude, welcome to Hogwarts.
Edward: Oh thank you, yes thank you.
Ron: So, this is Harry f(bleep)ing Potter and this is my frumpy ex girlfriend Herman Granger. Oh, and I'm Ron.
(Hermione looks annoyed)
Hermione: I'm HERMIONE. It's a pleaser to meet you.
Edward in flirty voice: Why, it is very good to meet you.
(He takes her hand and kisses it)
(Hermione giggles and Ron looks annoyed)
Harry smiling: Wow, the old creepy but hot kiss on the hand. Usually means you end up being a villain in the end.
Edward: Yes, it does.
Ron: So, you wanna get to classes Ed-
Lockhart: Why, hello there gay new student.
Hermione: Oh, he's not gay.
(Looks at Edward with flirty expression)
Hermione: And I LOVE his hair.
Edward: OOOH, dear God, my penis just got a boner. Gotta go rub it.
(Clutching his crotch, he walks out)
Lockhart: Boners hurt when your wearing skinning jeans like those gays do. *laughs* I love gays, they're so funny.
(He walks off)
Jacob: I guess that's why he loves himself. Pwned!
Hermione: I'm gonna go.
(She walks off)
Harry: Hey man, Ron you're not upset about her not wanting you right?
Ron untruly: No! No, I don't give a rat's ass. *laughs nervously* I've gotta go.
(He leaves)
(Harry stands alone until we see a shirtless, muscular, tan figure behind the table)
(Jacob from Twilight throws pan at Harry's head and it hits him)
Harry: Ow, okay….ow. That didn't knock me out.
(Throws gun that hits Harry in the head and knocks him down unconscious)
(BLACKOUT)
(The image is shown that Harry is tied to a chair)
(Harry wakes up)
Harry: *Looks up and around* Aw, damn it, not again!
(The vampire trio comes out)
Laurent: Yes, he smells fresh. Delectable.
Harry cheerfully: Oh really? Thanks. Yeah, I think my new shampoo is really working out for m-
Victoria: SILENCE WIZARD! You are here for one thing and one thing only.
James: To discover that it's the Twilight people who are trying to kill you.
(Victoria rolls her eyes)
Victoria: You weren't supposed to TELL him that dumbass.
James: Sorry. It's the T….w….i…..l….i…..g…..h…t people who are trying to kill you.
(Rolls her eyes again)
Victoria: He can spell.
Harry: Actually, I missed what you spelled out. But I'm glad to say I heard you guys already.
Laurent: Whatever. You won't make it outta here, Harry….James….Potter!
Harry: Yeah, I know my name. It's awesome. *chuckles* Aw, I love myself.
(Dark music of "Jacob from Twilight" starts)
(Jacob from Twilight comes out)
Harry: Why aren't you wearing a shirt?
Jacob: I'm not allowed.
Harry: Who the hell are you? What are you gonna do with me you Twilight dick?
Jacob: My name is Jacob. The Jacob *looks at screen* from Twilight!
(Music picks up)
Jacob singing: Oh, I once was a boy…and not a girl toy. In the first one, not a man, in the second one, I ran to show what I looked like beneath! I was known around the gulf, as America's new teen wolf! I'm here to carry out the deed! Yes oh yes, oh yes indeed! Your world is now mine!
Harry speaking: Wow, that's a really corny villain line.
(The rest of the Twilights besides Edward dance to a longer dance solo)
Jacob singing: I'll take Bella to taco bell! When I send you down to hell! *laughs evilly*
All Twilights singing: He's Jacob from Twilight! He'll pick a good fight! Jacob from Twilight! But he aint that bright!
James singing: Welcome to a new world of badass!
Laurent singing: Fear us, we are totally madass!
Jacob singing: I'm Jacob from Twilight!
Twilights singing: He's Jacob from Twilight! Jacob from Twilight! Jacob from freaken' Twilight!
Jacob singing: You say we ripped off five other books! But the fans like my good looks!
Twilights singing: He's Jacob from Twilight! Get 'im in the light! Jacob from Twilight! He'll pick a good fight! Jacob from Twilight! Jacob from Twilight!
All except Harry singing: JAAAAAAACOOOOOOBB FRRRROOOOOOOMM TWIIIIIIIIII…..!
(Song ends)
(Jacob stands there showing off abs and flexing while Harry sits there looking annoyed)
Harry: Um….hello?
(They all look)
Harry: Yeah, hi. Remember me? The guy you were supposed to do in?
Jacob: Oh right!
(Takes out gun and cocks it)
Jacob: After this, we will win.
(Scene changes to Hogwarts in Great Hall)
Edward: Hermione, I have something to tell you.
Hermione: Wait. I know what you are.
Edward: Really? Hm, smart bitch. Are you scared?
Hermione: No not really.
Edward: Say it.
Hermione: *deep breath* You're a transvestite.
Edward taken aback: Wait, what?
Hermione: That's why you act fruity but you aren't really a gay.
Edward: No, you dumb bitch. I'm a vampire from Twilight!
Hermione: *Gasps in horror* You? Oh my God!
(A bright light comes in the middle of the room)
Man's voice: Um…yeah hi. Okay…. *clears throat* WARNER BROTHERS HAS FALLEN. YATES IS DEAD. THEY…. ARE COMING!
(Students begin to freak out)
Dumby scared: Oh Snape. Who's coming? Who killed our greatest director?
Snape scared: Who else? The damn TWILIGHTS!
(Both scream and run around with everyone else)
Neville at door: Let's all be calm and-
(He is trampled)
Neville: AAAAHHH!
Seamus: Bloody f**k! The doors are locked!
Hermione pointing wand at Edward: STUPIFY!
(He jumps out of way)
Edward: ATTENTION ALL HOGWARTIAN STUDENTS! I AM EDWARD OF TWILIGHT! WE SHALL HAVE OUR REVENGE! By the way, great job on the new film, really loved it. DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!
(More Twilight characters appear and begin to attack)
(Bella's dad comes played by random man)
Dad: Come here Herman!
Hermione: It's Hermione! And DO NOT F(BLEEP) WITH A HARRY POTTER PERSON!
(He looks shocked)
Hermione: AVADA KADAVRA!
(Dad falls on ground)
Dad: No, wait!
Hermione: DIE bitch!
(Scene changes back to Harry and the others)
(We hear rumbling)
Jacob: Hear that? That means that the war has begun!
(Door flies open)
(James gasps in pain)
James: Okay, ow. There is a stake….in my ass.
(Falls dead)
Jacob: WHO'S THERE?
Other Jacob's voice: ME!
(Comes in with Van Helsing stake gun and wearing Van Helsing costume)
Jacob from AVPS: Hello BIATCH!
Jacob from Twilight: Who the hell are you?
Jacob from AVPS: I'm Jacob from "A very Potter freaken' Sitcom! Die teen wolf! Michel J. Fox was a better actor than you. Avada Kadavra!
Jacob from Twilight: No! Oh, sh*t I am dead.
(Falls as Twilights run out and Bella cries)
(Audience cheers)
Harry now free: Holy crap! Dude, you just killed him.
Jacob: Yeah. There's only enough room in this school for one Jacob. And that is why our new Jacob kid from Ravenclaw had to die.
Harry: Okay, whatever. Let's kick some Twilight ass.
Jacob: Come on!
(Scene changes to Great Hall)
(Harry and Jacob burst in)
Edward: How did they find you?
Jacob: You guys were in the damn closet.
Edward: Kill THEM!
(Bella engages in fight with Snape, Victoria in a fight with Hermione, Laurent in a fight with Ron, and Edward in a battle with Harry)
Hermione: Let's finish this!
(Epic fighting music from the third Matrix film plays as they begin to battle)
(Victoria starts punching at Hermione who kicks her in the shin)
(Victoria lands a large double fisted punch on Hermione's face and knocks her down)
Victoria: So you see? Vampires don't suck. But now, I mustn't play with my food.
(Hermione grabs her wand)
Hermione: *Points it at Victoria* Oh yeah? Can a vampire who wears too much glitter do this? *Stands* FLIPPENDO!
(Strings coupled to the actor pull Victoria in the air and send her, screaming, flying out the window)
Hermione: If you flew like REAL vamps did, you wouldn't die that way bitch.
(Laurent, holding Ron in head lock)
Laurent: You're gonna die now weasel.
Ron: *Looks up angrily* NOBODY CALLS ME WEASEEEEELLLLL!
(Ron roars like he did when he made out with Hermione in AVPM and begins to beat up Laurent)
(He pushes Laurent to broken window)
Laurent looking scared: Um…. I'm sorry?
Ron: F**K YOOOOOOUUUU!
Laurent with bulged eyes: Oooh sh*t.
(Ron punches him in the nose and causes him to fall out of the window)
Laurent falling: BELLA! YOU SMELL TASTEEEEEEEYYYY!
(Bella and Snape walk in circle, starring at each other)
Snape: Well, it has come down to this has it? I finally get to kill a main character on the bad side in this thing.
Bella: And I finally get some lines. Here they are. *Takes breath*
McGonagall lazily while reading People magazine: Avada Kadavra.
(Bella falls dead)
Snape disappointed: Aw, I never get to kill anyone these days.
(Walks off)
(Harry and Edward wrestling)
Edward: I'm gonna make this your last day alive.
Harry: I killed Voldemort and I can kill you.
Edward: I'm worse than him.
Harry: Oh really? Are you almost invincible with the ability to murder thirteen people in one go with a pet snake that can eat people whole?
(Pause)
Edward: Um…. I sparkle?
(Harry pushes him back)
Harry: Oh look! A bus than you can hit!
(Edward looks)
Edward: Where?
(All Harry Potter characters point their wands at the wall)
All: REDUCTO!
(Wall falls)
Edward: NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Wall falls on him)
(Audience and characters all cheer)
Harry: Twilight can suck iiiiiiiiitttt!
(Commercial break)
(We return to a large group standing around two bodies)
Harry: Aw damn it. Did somebody die again?
Hermione scared: No, Justin and Nearly headless Nick got petrified.
(We see two petrified people on the floor)
(Scene quickly changes to the fallen wall)
(Dark music plays as Edward's hand breaks out of the brick and feels around)
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK
DON'T FORGET TO VISIT WWW. A VERY POTTER SITCOM. WETPAINT. COM.
(NO SPACES NEEDED. I JUST HAVE TO DO THAT SO IT WON'T GET MESSED UP WHEN I UPLOAD THIS. THE SITE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION SO IT MIGHT HAVE SOME PROBLEMS. WATCH SOME VIDEOS UNTIL THEN. ENJOY!)