A very Potter Sitcom

Season 1, episode 10

Special Christmas Episode

"Polyjuice potion"

TV- 14

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(Theme song)

(Scene begins in Great Hall with an intro music of "We wish you are merry Christmas" with no singing and ending at "and a happy new year")

Dumbledore: Hello there students and MEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRYYYYY CHRISTMAAAAAASSSSS!

Snape: Bah, humbug!
Dumbledore: No Snape! We can't do a spoof on "A Christmas Carol" this year.

Snape: Well, why not?
Dumbledore: Because, like three other sitcoms are doing that, AGAIN!

Snape: Well, what about "The Grinch?"

(Dumbledore looks at him)
Snape: What?
Dumbledore: Glee.

Snape: Right.

Dumbledore: And so, my gossip loving students! Here is something you'll ALL be interested in! It appears that Santa Claus has had an affair with the tooth fairy, Mrs. Claus has had an affair with the Easter bunny, the Ghosts of Christmas past and the girl version of the present had an affair and left the ghost of Christmas future out, and Mother Earth and Mother Nature thought they were lesbians and then realized they were related and only loved each other like that.

Harry: Uh…where did you hear all that?
Dumbledore: Hot topic.

McGonagall: Now, this Christmas we want you all to remain tolerant and please be careful with the holiday cheer. Apparently, we've had Jews going to this school for a longer time than the Christians and nobody told us!

Dumbledore: So you can still enjoy saying "Merry Christmas" but also try and say "Happy Hanukah!"

Lockhart: Why Professor, Hanukah is over.

Dumbledore: Then say "Happy Holidays" and shut up Lockhart.

(Lockhart still has stupid grin on his face)

(Hermione walks over to Harry and Ron as everyone else begins talking)

Hermione: Okay guys, would you like to figure out if Malfoy is the heir of Slytherin?
Harry: Sure!

Ron: But how?
Hermione quickly: Okay, so I went into the library and I discovered that "Polyjuice Potion" can allow one person to turn into another person if that other person's hair is added to the potion and then mixed with….

(Continues babbling about the ingredients before she is stopped by Ron who yells)

Ron: Alright, ALRIGHT! God, enough is enough. We'll do it!

Hermione smiling: Okay, good! Now come on, we've got to get the hairs from Crabbe and Goyle. I already have mine from Milisin Bolstrode who I picked hairs off of her robes.

Ron: Ew…gross.

(Scene changes to empty entrance hall)

(There are two cupcakes on the floor and the hiding Harry and Ron get ready)

Ron: I'll cast the spell.

(Clears throat like Ron always did in the first two movies and then begins to choke and cough)
Harry: Whoa, what the hell's wrong?
Ron: Blech! I just coughed up my dinner. You better cast the spell (wretches and moves over to vomit without us seeing)

Harry: Okay. It's up to me now! Up to me. Up to me. (Takes deep breath) (His wand shakes) Wingardium Leviosa. There, I'm done.

(He hides as Crabbe and Goyle come out)
(Crabbe gasps at the floating cupcakes as Goyle speaks)
Goyle: Oooooh. Pretty cupcakes.

(They begin walking towards them with their arms outstretched and their mouths hanging open)
Harry whispering: Now, when they eat them, they're going to fall asleep but we need to-

(Ron runs at Crabbe and Goyle with frying pan yelling)
Ron: !

(He slams it over Goyle's head)
Goyle: Ow.

(Goyle and Crabbe turn and both take out green light sabers)

(Audience cheers)

Ron: Oh s(bleep).

Crabbe: Okay then, let's eat the cupcakes and them send 'em to hell!

Goyle darkly: Yes. Cupcakes.

(They eat them up)

(They freeze and fall over on their backs)
Goyle while falling: Aw.

Harry: Cool, now crab the hairs.

Ron: Ew, their greasy.

(Snape comes out)
Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEERRRREEE? HERE?

(They both look at Snape)
Snape: What the hell?
Ron running at Snape with pan: AAAAHHHH!
(Snape takes out red light saber)

Ron: AAAAAHH!

(Pause)
Ron: Frying pan, now!
(He throws it at Snape's head)

Snape while falling: Ow.

(Ron looks up fearfully)

Ron: Oh my God….we KILLED SNAPE!
(Short, tense silence)
Harry: Okay, cool. Get the hairs.

Commercial break

Commercial: Now on DVD….Jim Carry voices the classical character "Scrooge" in the new 3D Disney adventure "Disney's A Christmas Carol" based on Charles Dickens's best novel.

Also starring Gary Oldman, famous for his part as Sirius Black in "Harry Potter" and Commissioner Gordon in "The Dark Knight"

Now on DVD…."Disney's A Christmas Carol."

(We return to see "Crabbe" and "Goyle" walking in the dungeons. It is really Harry and Ron)

Goyle: Uh….Ron? Do you know where the Slytherin common room is?

Crabbe: I think that it's it over there.

(He points to a brick wall)
Goyle: No. That is a brick wall.

(Malfoy comes in)
Malfoy angrily: Crabbe! Goyle! Where in the hell have you two been this evening? Pigging out in the Great Hall I don't doubt!
Goyle: Well, what were you doing Malfoy?
(Crabbe winces)

Malfoy gasping over dramatically: ExCUSE ME?

Goyle quickly: Uh, I mean 'master'.

(Malfoy raises an eyebrow)
Malfoy: Okay. I was just upstairs. Now, let us go through the magic brick wall.

Goyle: Okay.

(He yells and runs toward it, expecting it to let him magically go through just like the wall at King's Cross)
(He slams into the wall and falls on the floor)
Goyle: Damn it! Son of a bitch.

(He stands, holding his head)

(Malfoy and "Crabbe" stair at him)
Goyle: I mean….owie.

Malfoy: You complete idiot. Watch.

(Malfoy walks up to the wall)
Malfoy: Now, what is the password again?
Goyle: Ummmm…..ummmmm….ummm….

Malfoy: Cease your meditating and answer the question.

Crabbe: Actually, I think he's actually thinking.

Malfoy laughing: Aha…no he's not, Goyle doesn't think. Don't be a fool. Oh yes, now I remember.

(Straightens up)
Malfoy importantly: ZEFRAN!
(Wall slides into the other side and disappears)
Goyle like Harry: Whoa, cool. *laughs*.

(Malfoy looks at him)
Goyle: I mean…Oooooh. Cool.

Malfoy: Let's go inside.

(They walk in)

(Camera changes to the Slytherin common room, similar to the Gryffindor common room as it is the same set except with green Christmas decorations and that there is a fancy bar with four Slytherins there and a small figure with a hood serving the drinks)

(One of the Slytherins begins to sway with his beer in his hand)
Montague drunkenly: I…*hic* am soooooo….f**kin' sick and *hic* tired of all of this bull***t about drinking carefully. I mean….do I really look that drunk after seventeen beers? Huh?
(Pokes friends on left nipple)
Montague: Heh?
(His beer slips out of his hand and breaks on the floor)
(Montague looks at his beer hand and does a double take)
Montague starring at his hand: What the hell happened to my beer?
Slytherin #1 to other boy: There's a guy who can't hold his liquor.

Montague turns angrily: I can SO hold my liquor!
Slytherin #2 slyly: Evidently not, you just dropped it.

Malfoy: Merry Christmas you lot.

(They all say hello)

Malfoy: Sit.

(Crabbe and Goyle sit across from Malfoy on two separate couches)

Malfoy: So, have you enjoyed the latest episodes of Wizards of Waverly Place?

Goyle and Crabbe: Oh YES!

Malfoy: Indeed. You know, I'm very surprised that the daily profit isn't reporting all of these attacks. Probably DUMBLEDORE trying to hush it all up. Father always said that Dumbledore was the worst thing that every happened to Hogwarts. Probably because daddy was against gays and-

Goyle: You ARE WRONG!

(Malfoy angrily stands)

Malfoy: What? You think that there's someone here who's WORSE than Dumbledore? Huh? Do you?

(Pause)
Boy next to Montague: I find this HIGHLY entertaining.

Goyle: Um….that student from last year named Charlie Bone?

(Another pause)

Malfoy laughs: Indeed. That was the worst book I've ever read since Twilight. Edward is an ass.

(Goyle and Crabbe nod as the other Slytherins leave except for the one with the hood hiding their face)

Malfoy: You know…I wonder who the heir of Slytherin is. It is most definitely NOT saint POTTER!

Goyle: But…you must have some idea who it is?

Malfoy: You know I don't Goyle. Now, I hope that things go the way they did LAST time the chamber was opened.

Crabbe: It's been opened before?
Malfoy: Oh yes. Last time…a mudblood died! This time…I hope it's….Hermione Granger, the love of my life!
(Another pause)
Malfoy: Merry Christmas boys. I'm going upstairs to wait for when Santa Claus is coming.

(Leaves room)

(Goyle and Crabbe begin to wretch with pain)
Goyle: Oh God! I think our hour's up!
Crabbe: The show's only a half hour long.

(Goyle rolls eyes)
Goyle: I met that we're about to change back into our selves.

(They yell in pain as they leap behind the couch)

Both: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

(They emerge, back to their normal selves)

Harry: S**t, we're back. We're ourselves in the Slytherin common room!
Ron: I'm enjoying this Christmas, aren't you?

Voice behind counter: Dobby is as well sir.

(The small figure comes out and removes his hood to show a young, adorable child playing Dobby with perfect make up and fake ears)
(Crowd cheers for a good while as they finally see their favorite Harry Potter character on their favorite Harry Potter spoof)

Harry: Who the hell are you?
Dobby: I am Dobby the house elf. I am the most insufferable of all the house elves and yet I am everyone's favorite character. I also have a voice like Mickey Mouse, I'm the size of Stewie Griffin, and I am the only one here who actually enjoys moon pies.

(Harry and Ron nod in acknowledgment)

Dobby: I am here to warn you about things that are happening at Hogwarts this year. There is a plot, a plot to make these terrible things become worse. All of the muggle borns are totally f***ing screwed.

(The song "Christmassy horror" begins with a bouncy but creepy sound)

Dobby singing: Oh, I wish that I was the one who was a barer of good news, but all I have to offer is scary but not a boring snooze. I want to bring some happiness, some good Christmassy cheer. But I do not have happiness; all I have is a Christmassy horror this year.

(Song speeds slightly)
Dobby singing: You do not think that you have to be afraid. But you know a muggle born, for it is all the same. If you don't heed my warning, if you don't listen true…then everyone in all of Hogwarts is completely screwed!

Harry singing: So, tell us please little Dobby; what is it you know?
Dobby singing: I can't sir, I can't sir!
Ron singing: Tell us or I'll TIE YOU IN A BOW!

Dobby: Please be careful Wheezy sir, or some trouble you will stir. All I can tell you is you must leave! Life at Hogwarts is all about to go from a cheerful tale to tell, straight down to a fiery Christmas hell!

(Pause)
Dobby: A Christmassy horror! A bad old Christmas hell! A Christmassy horror! A terrible tale…to….tell.

(Smiles as song ends and crowd claps)
Dobby: Bye.

(Snaps and blackout)

Commercial break

(We return to see Harry and Ron coming out of the Dungeon areas and into the Entrance Hall with the Great Hall doors open)
Harry: I can't believe it.

Ron: I know. Is Hermione gonna die?
Harry: We're gonna protect her. Trust me.

(He puts his hand on Ron's shoulder and light pours in as the sun comes up)

(Soft happy music begins in the song "We wanna merry Christmas" as the other students come in)

All students and teachers except for Harry and Ron singing: Oooooooooooohhhhhhh, . We always have loved Christmas; it is the best time of the year. We love a merry Christmas…..we hold it in our hearts very dear.

(Song speeds up; sounding slightly similar to the song "We need a little Christmas")

All including Ron and Harry singing: Every single day of the wonderful school year, we think about how brilliant it is this finest Christmas dear. We love this Holiday so much; and a holiday is due. The only people who don't love Christmas all that much is our Hogwartian Jews.

(Song speeds up even more)
All singing: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! We love the holiday to the death! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Its meaning has so much depth! We wanna merry Christmas! We want one oh so bad! We wanna merry Christmas! Now don't you make us mad! We wanna Merry Christmas! I want one for you! We wanna Merry Christmaaaaasss! A holiday…..is….duuuuuuuuueeee!

(Roll and credits)