A Very Potter Sitcom
Episode 11, season one
"A very Animated Adventure"
(TV-14)
(A very Potter Sitcom is brought to you and part by…REDVINES!)
Note: This is the first episode in which I will feature songs from my new song writer who's username is ... You'll love their songs. Here we go!
(The episode begins with us seeing 2D animated Jacob sitting in front on a nice red leather chair in a blank white space)
(He looks up)
(The Animation looks exactly like the cartoon drawings of the musical's characters that we see on the posters so often)
Jacob: Why, hello there all you viewers. Well, we're back from our Christmas vacation and it looks like things have gotten a little different. As you can see, I'm a cartoon right now. Let me tell you just what happened. Harry and his two best friends decided to spend Christmas at MY house! And we had a great time! We all got a little drunk, read some inappropriate magazines, made fun of Hermione because she looked like a cat after the Polyjuice potion had some cat hair in it, and then we watched all five seasons of "Sex in the City."
(He looks off stage)
Jacob: What? Wait a minuet, there's SIX seasons? Well that's not a surprising as the fact that Mel Gibson hasn't been murdered yet! It's coming you Jew hating son of bitch. You know it. Alright, now let me tell you what happened next.*Speeds up speaking* After all those things happened, Hermione magiced herself back to a human and everything was fine! Except for the disastrous consequences of the whole damn world turning into a animated freaken' cartoon land and that in any moment we could all die from the face that the world might collapse because of disrupting the space time continuum or that there's a lot of f***ing pianos falling randomly from the sky. Bye!
(Theme song begins with the animated versions of all the characters dancing and singing)
All singing: Back to Witches and Wizards and magical beasts! Back to Goblins and Ghosts and a magical feast! It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions, and friends! Back to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and SLYTHERIN! Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
Dumby: I'm sorry, what's its name?
Students: Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Dumby: I didn't hear you ki-
(Music stops)
Ron: Then listen for God's sake!
(Pause)
All singing as music resumes: HOGWARTS! HOGWARTS!
Harry: Holy s**t, we're freaken' back!
(Song ends)
(Short blackout and we come to see an animated Hogwarts in a cartoon Great Hall)
Jacob's voice: You shall not hear any audience laughing today. This is the day when it is but a mere cartoon show that you might watch on Saturday mornings, except that we're on every Wednesday. I will tell you that this show is not for kids. It is not dangerous or full of terror, just one of those crude humor things you might see on Comedy Central. Except that we're not on Comedy Central. We're on TBS.
Dumbledore comes out: Okay, who else is loving being a freaken' cartoon, heh?
(Nobody answers)
Dumbledore: Fine, whatever.
(Screen goes black and we here the voice of Jacob again)
Jacob: Now I must take you to a place where you will see why the Chamber of Secrets has opened. Just don't tell the Harry Potter gang, and most certainly don't tell me. *Evil cackling*.
(The dark, sinister sound of the song "Rita's got a plan" begins as we see a small animated room with Rita Skeeta in it with subtitles below that vanish after saying "Back in September")
Rita: Ohh this is it! This is my chance! I have got the key, it's no mystery! I'm about to go down in history! Don't be a paranoid fool; guess who's coming to school! Rita's on her way to solve the mystery of the Chamber! So turn off the Power Rangers and act like a teen and watch this mofo bitch become the greatest witch you've ever seen.
I am his most trusted servant. That's because I'm very observant. And I shall fulfill my master's wishes. No time to do the dishes! I've got a freaken' golly evil plan, for my one and only mannnnnnnnnnn.
Ohh this is it! This is my chance! To become a rising superstar! Don't need a cool car to make me look good! I'm Rita freaken' Skeeta and this is my time to shine! I shall baffle and dazzle and frazzle and snaffle and then all those little warts over at the Hogwarts shall know who is the greatest bloody bitch this world has ever seen!
Ohh this is it! This is my chance! And now let's do a fuuuuunkyyyy yowwwwwwww!
(Breaks out into a funky dance. Yes, I went there.)
(Becomes dark.)
Nowww I know a lot about magic, it's a shame my hair's pretty tragic. But as long as I get paid a lot I'll keep getting you all bothered and hot. I know a lot of things about your heroes that will make your toes curl and I'll keep telling you about it till you're ready to hurl. But I've enough of you filthy mudbloods and traitors, I don't need no debaters, it's boring me soul coz Rita's ready to roll. I'm about to ruin Albus Dummmblleeddooorreeeeeee. My golly, has Rita got a plan!
(Becomes darker.)
I shall step very quietly into Flourish & Blots, and sneak past the Weasly's and begin my grand plot. I'll feed my Dark Lord's diary of past into that blood traitors filthy blasted heart. She will be there to guide us along our way and pretty soon she'll be begin for a say! But I shan't not let her take a swing at the bat! I'm a lot smarter than that!
(Hermione jumps in)
Hermione: You shouldn't sing in places like this, ma'am. My parents say that singings in dirty aired areas are bad for your teeth.
Rita: GET! OUT! *Mutters* filthy mudblood.
Hermione: what was that?
Rita: I called you a FILTHLY FREAKIN MUDBLOOD.
Hermione: no need to shout. Jeez. (Exits)
Rita: Ok, where was I? Oh, yeah!
So let's begin this grand ol' plan, I know that it's better than watching Batman. I can't wait to get into action and see all of Hogwarts' great reaction. I know that I'll go down in history as the greatest bloody bitch to solve the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets! Tuck those kids into the blankets! It's gonna be one hell of a ride! And hey, maybe if I'm lucky they'll let me join the Klu Klux Klan.
Ron: (jumping up.) You've got a better chance of getting laid by a Frenchman!
Rita: !#$%^&*!
Ron: Ok, ok. I'm sorry; I shouldn't be masturbating like that in front of you.
Rita: LEAVE!
Ron: Just trying to help you out!
Rita: AAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Ron: I can take a hint. (Leaves). Not!
Rita: (takes a chill pill). Ohh, this is it! This is my chance! And now let's do a fuuuuunkyyyy yowwwwwwww!
(As she dances darkly, the song ends and the screen goes black again)
(Commercial break)
(We return to see that Hogwarts is still animated and that we are in the Gryffindor common room where the whole teenage gang, but not the Slytherins, are all downstairs except for Ron)
Hermione: Harry, have you seen Ron this morning?
Harry: Yeah, I saw him asleep muttering something that sounded like he was having a sex related dream, but other than that…no.
(Ron walks downstairs looking wide awake)
Ron: Hello there, my fellow Hogwartians.
Jacob: Did you just wake up?
Ron: No. I've been up for hours.
Harry: Four whole hours?
Ron: No, I said I've been up FOR hours.
Harry: I've been up for two.
(Ron shakes his head, annoyed)
Ron slightly irritated: I meant it's been hours since I woke up!
Jacob: Yeah, four.
(Ron rolls his eyes and sits down on the chair)
Ron: So, look's like we got ourselves another Quidditch match today. It's against Hufflepuff.
(Pause)
Cho: What the HELL's a Hufflepuff?
Harry: Nobody knows.
Neville: I think that they're the ones who are humble and very good at finding thin-
Seamus: Silence, Long ass!
(Slaps him across face)
Neville: Ah, oh no! Bitch slap!
Dean: Man, I wish that we had gotten to play last semester but no luck! This Chamber o' Secrets s**t is startin' to piss me off!
Lavender: Yeah. I really wish when guys ask me out that they'd stop asking if I was Sure I don't wanna go for Chinese food, just because I'm Asian.
Jacob: So, Lav. You wanna go for Japanese food later?
(She stairs at him)
Lavender: Really, Jacob? Really?
Jacob: We could try Tie food?
(Lavender rolls her eyes and goes back to book)
(Harry looks up as we hear a strange voice in the walls)
Voice: Rip! Tear! Rape! Rape! RAPE! And kill.
Harry: Oh my WIZARD GOD!
Chad: We have a Wizard God?
Hermione: Harry, what's wrong?
Harry: That voice! That voice! I heard that weird ass voice again!
Distant voice off stage: Hearing voices might mean you have rackspurts.
(Luna Lovegood walks on)
Ron: Oh hey. I'm sure that if the live studio audience was here today, they'd cheer to see you Looney.
Cho's friend who also voices Luna: What are rackspurts?
Luna: They crawl up your ass and make it difficult to make a big poop.
Ron: Poopy.
Harry: Guys, that voice has been bothering me for like…the whole season. I mean year.
(Hermione stands and gasps)
Hermione: *Gaps* Harry! I've just understood something.
(Silence)
(Hermione raises her left hand like a superhero)
Hermione: I've got to go to the library!
(She runs out, imitating a superhero flying)
Seamus: Why does she have to go to the library?
Ron: Because that's what Hermione does. When in doubt, go to the library.
Hermione off stage: Jacob, you come too!
(Jacob stands looking irked)
Jacob: Alright.
(Walks off)
Jacob: But why the f**k do I have to come too?
Dean: Hmm. Must be a muggle born thing.
Chad looking at watch: Guys! We all gotta get down to the Quidditch stadium.
(He stands up)
Chad: Okay. Let's go down calmly this ti-
(The excited students trample him as they run out the door)
Chad on floor: Ow, this is even more painful than acting in Diary of a Wimpy kid.
(Scene changes to Quidditch stadium where we see some Hufflepuffs flying in the air, for practice)
(The Gryffindor team all come out so that they can prepare for the game)
NFL commentator Joe Gibbs: And, it looks like we've got ourselves a really good game tonight folks! GOAAAAAALLLLLLL! Oh wait, nothing's happened yet.
(Animated McGonagall comes out)
McGonagall through megaphone: This match….has been cancelled as there has been another attack with three students petrified. Don't be afraid children. It's just that there's a Slytherin monster down in the chamber of secrets who's trying to kill all muggle borns. Bye bye!
(Walks off)
Ron: Aww man! This sucks!
Harry: Ron, calm down.
Ron: No! No, I wanna play Quidditch.
Seamus: And I wanted to hit someone with this damned bat!
(Looks over at Dean)
Seamus: Looks like we're the only ones.
(Raises bat)
Dean: Yep.
(Hit's Seamus hard in the stomach, causing him to fall to the ground)
(McGonagall comes over with Chad)
McGonagall: I think you two had better come with me and Mr. Chad Kragoff here.
(They turn to leave)
(Scene changes to Hospital wing)
(They all walk in)
McGonagall: That is one of the victims.
(We see a tan Ravenclaw girl)
McGonagall: And that…that is where the other two are.
(Harry, Ron, and Chad all walk up to the bed)
Harry: Oh my God.
Chad: No.
(Silence)
Ron: Jacob. Hermione.
(We see the two students on two separate beds both petrified)
(Sad music plays but not an actual song)
McGonagall solemnly: I'll…I'll leave you three alone then.
(She walks off)
Harry: Why did this happen?
(Ron looks at Hermione and slowly strokes her hand)
(Silence)
(Ron begins to sob as he leans over Hermione's petrified body)
(Chad sits on his older brother's bed and starts to cry as well)
(Harry puts his arm around Chad)
Harry: It's gonna be alright, Chad. They'll save them. I know it.
(He and Chad leave as the depressing sound of the song "Ron's only love" begins)
(The lights dim and Ron walks to the center of the Hospital Wing where a spotlight appears on him)
Ron singing: I- *stops singing* okay, okay, turn the spotlight down a bit. Thank you.
(Resumes singing)
Ron:
If I could I would rewind the time she was petrified
So I could stop feeling so terrified
Wish I had a time-turner that'd help me get off my damn backside
And maybe then I won't be staring so often at my bedside.
(Scene fades into a zoom up of Ron still singing)
Ron singing: What I'd give to hold her in my arms
Keep her safe and make her feel okay.
But who knows how long I'd have to keep this charade up
I just long for the day when she wakes up and I can ask her "Sup?"
This can't be happening!
This has put a major dampening on my day.
It was January the second day
The day that my love went away
She's gone
Oh no, Oh no
My baby's gone
Oh no, Oh no
It's only day two and I'm feeling so blue
All I can do is stare at her beautiful face
Her long hair flowing around her makes her look so true
And then I begin to up my pace
And then she opens up those amazing brown eyes
And paralyzes me with that mesmerizing smile
I feel like I'm gonna pass out and die
It's like this never happened, I'm still in denial
This can't be happening!
This has put a major dampening on my day.
It was January the second day
The day that my love went away
She's gone
Oh no, Oh no
My baby's gone
Oh no, Oh no
Harry: *spoken* Ron, please, you've been singing to yourself all day. Please, can we go to Potions now!
Ron: No, Harry! I've made this Hospital Wing into my home and I'm not leaving until the love of my life wakes up!
Snape: *pops in* Who's that, Hagrid?
Madam Promfrey: Oh Mister Weasly, you're pathetic! I can't believe you've pitched a tent in here!
Ron: *ignores them and continues singing*
Please wake up Hermione and save me from this dreadful, dreadful ordeal.
You are my everything, don't you know, you make my heart do cartwheels.
Ron crawls into his tent under Hermione's bed.
Draco: *comes into Hospital Wing and shakes Hermione* GET UP YOU MANGY MUDBLOOD, UP! UP! UP!
Ron: What in the name of Merlin's saggy ass cheeks are you doing?
Malfoy sobbing: I miss her! Alright, I admit it! I bloody MISS HER! GRANGER, WAKE UP!
(Song slows and Ron looks at Hermione as Malfoy runs out)
Ron: Look's like I was always in danger….of falling in love. Falling in love. Falling in looooovvvveeee….. with Hermione…Grangeeeerrrrrrr.
(Song ends as Ron puts his head on Hermione and begins sobbing)
(Commercial break)
(We return to see everyone sitting in the Great Hall as McGonagall enters)
McGonagall: I'm very sorry about this, everyone. If the culprit is not caught…then it is likely that Hogwarts will be closed.
(Turns to walks away)
McGonagall: And I'm talking forever.
(Walks off)
Harry: I have to go.
(Scene changes to where Harry is walking through the second floor corridor when he stops to look down at all the toilet water on the floor)
Harry: Aw, s**t! Moaning Myrtle must have flooded the bathroom again- and I'm talking to myself!
(He walks into the bathroom to see Moaning Myrtle crying)
Harry annoyed: Oh why are you crying NOW?
Myrtle: Some meany face through a cell phone at me.
Harry: A meany face? Did you see who it was, Myrtle?
Myrtle: No! I was too busy crying.
Harry: Why were you crying?
(Pause as Myrtle stairs at Harry)
Myrtle slowly as if Harry is stupid: Because a cell phone fell through me,
(She vanishes as Harry walks over to see a small, ordinary looking cell on the floor)
(He picks it up)
Harry: Wow. It's undamaged at all even if it IS all wet.
(Cell beeps loudly and Harry jumps)
Harry: Ah! Oh. A video was sent. It says…to Harry Potter. *laughing* Holy s**t.
(We see on the screen a video link that Harry clicks on)
(Before video begins, it says "From Tom Marvolo Riddle" and plays video)
(Video shows a dark shape who isn't shown but looks like the animated outline of Tom Riddle)
Tom *voiced by Joe Walker in normal voice*: Give me the monster, Hagrid. It already killed a small girl and the least Hogwarts can do for her parents is make sure the little s**t that killed their daughter is dead.
(We see a young Hagrid)
Hagrid: It wasn't 'im! 'E wouldn't! 'E never!
Tom raising wand: Stand aside, Hagrid.
Hagrid angry: NO!
Tom: Stand aside, Hagrid!
Hagrid: NO!
Tom in stranger voice, almost like that of Voldemort: STUPIFY!
(A shining, red light hits a box behind Hagrid and a large, 3D animated spider scurries away very fast)
Hagrid: Arogog! No!
(He turns angrily to Tom who's face is still covered in the shadows)
Hagrid angrier: HAGRID MAD! HAGRID…SMAAASSSHHHHH!
(Video ends and we see Harry looking shocked)
Harry: Oh my god. Hagrid opened the chamber of secrets!
(Dark music starts and ends)
Harry: Cool, I wonder what sort of comments there are on this vid.
(He looks)
Harry reading: 'Lol'. Another says 'OMG, I cannot believe that Hagrid did tat!'. I'll type… *thinks* 'Thumbs up if you got this video on a cell phone that you mysteriously found on the bathroom floor in a magic school'. *Laughs*
(Scene changes to Gryffindor common room where Ron and Harry are alone)
(Ron looks at phone)
Ron: Good God. I can't believe it was Hagrid! Great vid though, right?
Harry: We have to talk to him.
Ron: Good idea.
(There is a blinding flash and it vanishes to show that everything is non-animated again)
Ron: Oh, cool. We're back. Anyway- Oh my Wizard God! Hagrid's the guy who set the monster of Slytherin loose!
(Harry looks at phone)
Harry mumbling: Yeah, and it get's worse.
Ron loudly: What?
Harry mumbling annoyed: A bunch of people thumbed down my comment. Ass***es.
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK!
(Roll and credits)
Written by JacobKragoff.
Music and lyrics by ...
Harry Potter owned by J.K Rowling and Warner Brothers.
"A very Potter Musical" and "A very Potter Sequel" owned by Starkid productions.
"A very Potter Sitcom" owned by JacobKragoff and .
All rights reserved.
EPISODE 12 COMING NEXT WEDNESDAY!