A Very Potter Sitcom
Episode 13, season one
"The secret revealed- PART ONE"
(TV-14)
IN TRIBUTE AND REMEMBERANCE OF MY WONDERFUL GRANDMOTHER, JOYCE. THE ANNIVERSARY OF HER DEATH WAS YESTERDAY AND THOUGH THIS WASN'T THE COMMEDY SHE ENJOYED OFTEN, I HOPE SHE'D STILL BE PROUD OF MY WRITING.
(We skip beginning theme today but keep the beginning credits on the bottom of the screen for the first couple of minutes)
(We see Harry and Ron sitting in the Gryffindor common room as Ginny sits in the corner, looking terrified at the prospect of what's going on)
Ron whispering: Harry, with Hermione petrified, how are we gonna figure anything out now?
Harry also whispering: We need to go and talk to Hagrid. I can't believe he would do it this time, but if he opened the chamber of secrets last time then he'll at least know where the entrance is and that's a really good start.
Ron: Yeah, sounds like it….Redvine?
Harry, disappointed: Sorry, man. But I can't think of any reason to eat a Redvine at this time.
Ron shocked: What? This is the second time you've said that in years. Okay, we gotta fix this. Now, we can't go out in the middle of the night so…
(They look at each other)
Both: The cloak.
(Scene changes to Malfoy walking into the Hospital wing, carrying flowers as sad music plays in the background)
(Malfoy sits next to the bed with Hermione in it)
Malfoy: Hey…Hermione.
(Throws flowers at Jacob's petrified body)
Malfoy: Here, hold these.
(Looks back at Hermione)
Malfoy: Granger, I love you. I love you so much. And every single time I look at you, my winkie does a Nazi salute and… and I can't stop thinking about you. You're the love of my life. *Voice cracks as Malfoy begins to cry* I love you so much, Hermione Granger.
(He begins to sob)
Malfoy: Oh my God, I am such an ass**le!
(He strokes her hair and the audience 'awes')
Malfoy: Granger…wake up. *Continues crying*
(Next scene begins with the theme music that played during the beginning of "A Very Potter Sequel Act 2" and continues during this scene)
(We see Harry and Ron under the tiny invisibility cloak as Snape walks around the entrance hall, guarding it)
Snape: I shall not let anyone pass.
(Pulls out long revolutionary war rifle and begins to pace in patrolling fashion)
(Stops in the middle)
Snape: Nobody will pass!
(McGonagall comes up behind him)
McGonagall: Hey, Severus, I need a-
Snape swinging rifle: AAAHH!
(Hits McGonagall in face and knocks her out cold)
Snape: Oh…ops.
(Stands in guard form once again)
Snape, uncertainly: Oh, no, something attacked her. I'll have to guard her because I have no idea what the hell happened.
(Stands still)
Snape: Nobody shall pass.
Ron's voice: Hey, Snape.
Snape: Hi.
(Ron and Harry walk out the door)
(Long silence)
Snape to audience: What? They're going out, they said nothing about that. It's don't let people IN.
(Scene changes to Harry and Ron walking up to Hagrid's hut)
(Harry and Ron walk to door, still under cloak)
Harry: Let's knock.
(Door opens and they back up)
(Rita walks out followed by Dumbledore)
Dumby: Okay…come on out Hagrid.
(Hagrid comes out and audience cheers)
Hagrid whining: Aw, I don't WANNA go to Azkaban! They'll try to rape me…and I'll roll over and crush them with my fat ass! *Begins sobbing* Why can't people f***ing stay away from a giant's ass?
(Rita raises an eyebrow)
Rita: Uh…yes. Well, anyway, Professor Dumbledore, Hagrid is to be removed from campus along with…you.
(Hagrid looks between Dumbledore and Rita several times, looking appalled)
Hagrid: But he…how can you…what gives you da right…I...he….me….uhh…I….*Makes face like confused Umbridge* DUUUUUURRRR!
(Rita looks at him over her glasses)
Rita: Okay. I have right because I was given permission to do this by the author of this show who doesn't even work for Starkid, that's why these episodes are so f**king corny!
Dumbledore: Well…at least he gave Hagrid a job.
(Hagrid nods)
Hagrid: Great man, author whose name will not be said for fear of being tracked down by the Starkid people and J.K Rowling and getting his ass sued like there's no tomorrow…great man.
Rita: Really? I think he's an ass. I wanted to work for the Starkid executives again. The Lang brothers who are even more talented than the Warner brothers, but NOOO! I had to come and work in a TBS sitcom based on our YouTube musicals while they get to go work on a musical movie that takes place in f**king outer space! Do you think I like it here! I feel like I'm in some crummy fanfic story for Harry Potter on ! Yeah, let's leave the writing to J.K Rowling, why don't we? The guy who writes this sitcom wrote a series about Potter's kids!
Harry under cloak: Wait, what?
Rita: Yeah, the kids he had with that little Weasly girl!
Ron under cloak: Wait, what?
Rita: And his series was God awful! The writer's looking back on it and saying "God, my first couple of stories sucked so much, I'm just gonna go ahead and speak my opinion on them in front of the thousand and a half people who watch this show through the character of Rita Skeeter!" *She looks at camera* And I did not like your series, author. You son of a bitch.
Announcer's voice: TO READ SAID SERIES, GO TO MY HOME PAGE ON HERE AND READ THE FIRST FIC "ALBUS, SCORPIUS, ROSE, AND JACK!" THE REST OF THE STORIES CAN BE FOUND UNDER TITLES SUCH AS "SCORPIUS MALFOY SAGA: BOOK 2, BOOK 3", ETC.
Dumbledore, while looking at sky: M'kay…that was irrelevant and pointless. *Turns to Rita* If the author of this show wishes me to leave for a while, in other words for my character to go on hiatus, than I shall do it.
Hagrid: Oh poopy.
Dumbledore, very calmly: Oh, grow up Hagrid. But know this, Rita…you crazy power driven bitch… help will ALWAYS be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.
Ron under cloak: I need to change my underwear!
Dumbledore: You're on your own, Ron who isn't actually there otherwise he'd be in trouble. Now, let us go Hagrid. Let us leave the show.
(Hagrid walks grumpily with Dumbledore)
Hagrid: Yeah, he gave me a job as a guest star who just got put on hiatus. Stupid ass.
Rita to audience: Excellent. Things are going…wonderfully. Rita Skeeter out…bitches!
(Rita runs off and audience cheers as we go to commercial break)
Add:
Coming soon, to
From the author who brought you "A very Potter Sitcom", "The Scorpius Malfoy saga", and "Tom Marvolo Riddle, the story"….we bring you
"FBI HOPKERS"
An action fic written as a screenplay
Starring Robert Downey Jr.
Jake Phillips.
And Kelly C.
FBI HOPKERS
Coming March, 9th, 2011. Look up at under author username "JacobKragoff" Story rated R.
(We return to see Harry and Ron taking off the invisibility cloak so that they can walk freely)
Ron: Damn. With Dumbledore gone, the students won't be strangely spoken to in a weird perverted way!
Harry: Yeah and now they've taken Hagrid! God, I am so pissed off!
Ron: Harry, look! Hagrid left a letter.
Harry: Well, I'm just going to suppose it's for me so, let's read!
(Opens letter and reads)
Harry reading: "Dear Harry," I was right. "-By the time you read this, I will be long gone."
Hagrid in distance: Can I at least make a phone call?
Rita: WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?
Hagrid: SO HARRY AND RON CAN HEAR!
(Harry goes back to reading)
Harry reading: "I hope you will at least take care of my cute, little dog, Fang".
(The cabin behind them shakes and the door threatens to burst as we here loud, terrifying barks and the sound of a dog jumping onto the door, however it does not break)
(Harry and Ron wince at the noise)
Harry reading: "But all you need to do is follow the spiders. Sorry I could not be more specific in this letter in case a Ministry official-," uhh... "Dude, were to find this. If a Ministry *another pause* dude is reading this, please tell Harry to go deep into the forbidden forest and find the giant spiders so that he can discover how to get into *pause* da chamber o' secrets." God Hagrid talks weird.
Ron: Well, a spider's no big deal.
(Looks on ground)
Ron: Ah! SPIDER!
(Jumps into Harry's arms in Scooby Dooby Doo fashion and they both topple over onto ground)
Harry in weak, pained voice: Ow…
(Scene changes to McGonagall sitting the teachers' office with Snape and the other teachers)
McGonagall after long silence: Well this sucks.
Snape: Tell me about it. Albus died, came back to life, almost died again after being chased by a crazed up Lady Gaga and her enemy Kesha, and then gets fired by Rita Skeeter, the one whose name always seems to be misspelled to read "Skeeta". What the hell is wrong with this scriptwriter?
Random teacher, played by Howard's girlfriend on "The Big Bang Theory": I can't believe that Hagrid's gone too. Do you think he likes me?
(Snape and McGonagall look at her)
Snape: He'd accidently kill you during sex, you know.
McGonagall: I wonder where Harry and Ron are. Did anybody know that they were out of their beds?
Snape: Yes, I went there to kiss Potter good night *audience laughs* and to take of fifty points or something and saw he wasn't there. So I had to kiss Longbottom instead. He seemed to think I was his grandmother or something.
(Scene changes)
(Harry and Ron are walking through the forest with their wands lit as Ron chews on Redvines)
(A small dark sound of "Aragog's sinister sing along" starts)
(The dark music continues to get slightly louder)
(Harry and Ron stop)
Harry: Ron?
Ron scared: Yeah?
Harry: Do you…hear something?
Ron: Yeah. It might be…lions…or tigers…or Angelina Jolie.
Harry: Oh my.
Ron: Yeah.
(Suddenly, they are hoisted in the air by strings and are pulled quickly out of sight from the audience)
(We see a Redvines bag fall)
Ron crying and yelling: My Redvines!
(We see the scene change to Harry and Ron still hanging from the spider web string, now in an area that contains man large, black spiders that happen to be puppets)
Harry: Oh, God.
Ron: AHHH! Fake looking spiders! *Covers eyes in fear*
(Aragog crawls out, much larger than the rest of the spiders)
(As music picks up, still sounding dark, Aragog begins to sing)
Aragog singing: How dare you children come into my lair! You better hope that this wasn't a dare! For all you know, this could be your last night on earth. I shall not grant you jokes of great mirth! You're not the first ones to venture in here. If any had survived they would tell you to fear. It's pretty obvious or you would not have come at all. As the spiders begin to creep and crawl! Come, my dear children, let's make a bet, and see how much we can make these children sweat.
Aragog's Children: Yum, yum, tender meat, tender, juicy roasted meat. Crack the bones and rip the head, the fun has only begun before you're dead!
Aragog: Sons and daughters and my dear wife Mosag, I know you are hungry but please do not nag. When I am finished, we all will begin our lovely feast. And be one big hairy beast!
(We see another large spider with a fake looking blonde wig)
Mosag: Hurry up then!
Aragog: These children have crossed our sacred forest. Their friends may think of them as the boldest. Their punishment shall be a great treat for all. Yes, we shall eat, chew, and maul!
Harry shouting high pitched and very quickly: But Hagrid's in trouble! They've arrested him because the monster in the chamber of secrets is back and worse than ever and it's going to kill everybody, yes I said it that fast!
Aragog: They tell us that my dear friend Hagrid is troubled. I am very sorry to have burst your bubble, but I've forbidden to speak of any such beast. I really just want to feast! You expect me to tell you when my children are being taunted?
(The spiders come even closer to Harry and Ron)
Aragog: But God, I love it when two children are haunted! Before I kill and dispose of your bones, I better tell you before you start to moan. Fifty years ago, there was a girl who was murdered. No one stopped to think that I could not hurt her further. She is the reason why I'm living here today. That is why you must be the ones to pay.
Aragog's Children: You must pay before you die. Let us rip them by the eye!
Aragog: Her body was found in a bathroom. It's not as if she was hit over the head with a broom. I was blamed and Hagrid was brought to shame. Even though I didn't even know her f**king name! There is a creature who lurks in Hogwarts castle, a dirty monster who has constantly hassled. Mudbloods and muggles must beware. Even if Hagrid actually cares-
Harry: Just let us go, I'm not even a grown man!
Aragog: But do you really think I give a damn? I'm hungry for flesh, bone, and blood! Not twigs, leaves, and murky mud! I want to get this through! THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE! We'll all have a delectable feast! I am not the COS beast! But I will still end your lives! And if you're allergic, you'll die with hives!
(The spiders leap into air and dance in impressive way)
(Aragog yells in a crazed tone)
Harry: We'll just go, then.
Aragog: Go? I think not...
Harry: But- but-
Aragog: My sons and daughters do not harm Fat Hagrid on my command but I cannot deny them skinny little twits with no meat like old men. So you will be eaten and chewed up to bits….AS WE ENJOY YOUR TERRIFIED FITS! I'm glad you're not skeletal or ragad.
*Pause*
Aragog: GOODBYE…FRIENDS OF HAGRIIIIIIDDDD!
(Blackout and audience cheers at the scene with the impressive effects)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Starring…
Darren Criss.
Joey Richter.
Joe Moses.
And guest starring Shane Dawson as Aragog.
Announcement: I have a voting poll on my author's page where you vote for which AVPM character can come for season two. Who do YOU wanna see in season two? Perhaps…Umbridge? Vote now! Also,
IF YOU LOVE "A VERY POTTER SITCOM" DON'T FORGET TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS WHO ARE ALSO FANS OF THE MUSICALS ON YOUTUBE. IF YOU'RE EVER COMMENTING ON THE STARKID VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE, SAY THINGS LIKE "HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HEARD OF 'A VERY POTTER SITCOM'" AND TELL THEM WHERE THEY CAN FIND IT. OR JUST GO ON TO GOOGLE AND TYPE IN "A VERY POTTER SITCOM, PILOT EPISODE" AND I THINK IT GIVES YOU A LINK. I'M ALSO MAKING AN ADD FOR YOUTUBE. THE REASON FOR ALL THIS IS, I REALLY WANT THE STARKID PEOPLE AND THE STARKID FANS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS SITCOM. IF YOU COULD ALL DO THAT, I WILL LOVE YOU ALL ETERNALLY AND BE AS LOVABLE AS SHANE DAWSON IS TO HIS FANS. AND NOW, TO END WITH A RIDICULAS SONG THAT YOU SHOULD "NOT!" REALLY FOLLOW
(We see Jacob randomly dancing in front of a white screen)
Jacob singing with no music: Oh, a bag of weed! A bag of weed! Everything's better with a bag of weed! You don't need crack and you don't need speed, 'cause everything's better with a bag of WEED!
WARNING: STAY AWAY FROM WEED, CRACK, COKE, AND ALL DRUGS.