A VERY POTTER SITCOM
Episode 14, season one
"Discovery of the Day"
(TV-14)
A VERY POTTER SITCOM
Harry's voice: Previously on "A very Potter Sitcom"….
(We see several clips summing up last week's episode)
(After clips are finished we are left with the dramatic cliffhanger of Aragog and his children preparing to consume Harry and Ron)
(We see Aragog and his children moving in closer)
(Ron whimpers out of fear)
Harry: Oh, God. Oh, God. Please don't kill me! OH! NO!
Aragog: Shut up! You sound like my wife during sex!
Mosag: Go to hell!
Ron, still upside down: Wow, they have a complicated relationship.
Aragog: You don't know the half of it.
Mosag: Yeah! This guy never lifts a finger.
Aragog: I know this is a corny joke that's used often in Nickelodeon cartoons, so I'll spice it up a bit….We don't have fingers Bitch!
(The two begin arguing as a rumbling begins)
Harry over yelling: Um, Ron?
Ron, scared: Yeah?
Harry: What the hell is that noise?
Ron, yelling: No idea!
(We see the blue car smash through the other wall of webs, crashing straight onto Aragog in mid yelling sentence)
(The spiders are all silent)
Mosag: Wow. He's dead.
Harry, praying to himself: Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us, Don't blame us.
Mosag: Yeah bitch, I am the leader now! HAHAHAHaaaaa! Oh, what a wonderful ending to our anniversary.
Ron: Good God, it's like watching a violent version of "Private Lives".
Mosag: You may go. I'd take the car if I were you. I don't know if you caught on to this but the Forbidden forest isn't exactly a very good neighborhood, ya know.
Harry: Yeah, we were beginning to think that.
(Scene fades to commercial)
(We return to see Harry sitting in bed with Ron snoring in the bed next to him)
Harry: Aragog said something about the girl dying in a bathroom. That rings a bell. What do I know about a dead girl in bathroom? *Thinks for a while as Moaning Myrtle floats in*
Myrtle: Hey, Harry.
Harry, distractedly: Hi.
(Myrtle stops)
Myrtle, angrily: Oh sure! Ignore me by the most part! All I am is a ghost who just floats through a bunch of f**kin' walls. Nobody notices Moaning f**kin' Myrtle! And then there's people throwing things at me through the damn toilet! Like dead pets, old looking books with suspicious magic in it that's titled Playboy, pot, coke, and other types of drugs, and a for some reason, a mother f**king cell phone! *Silence* *Turns angrily and screams* AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!
(Floats out of room)
(Ron jumps awake)
Ron: Oh, what? What the hell was that?
Harry: Just Moaning Myrtle having a nervous breakdown, compiled with an angry outburst that suggests that she ought to seek professional help immediately.
(Long pause)
Harry: Hey, can you think of anyone who may have died in a bathroom?
(Ron thinks)
Ron: Is it a ghost who still lives there?
Myrtle's voice, making Harry and Ron jump: I DON'T LIVE!
Ron: *Long pause* No, not really.
Harry: Yeah. G'night.
Ron: Night.
Myrtles voice, bored: Night.
(Scene fades as audience cheers)
(Scene changes to Harry and Ron both standing in the hospital wing, looking at Hermione and Jacob)
Harry: We wish you were here, guys. We really do. Now I've gone so crazy that I'm talking to both myself AND petrified people who may as well be statues.
Ron: Harry. What's that in her hand?
(Harry looks closer)
Harry: It's….something in her hand. *Takes it out* It's a piece of paper.
(Stands up and begins to read it as a dark, mysterious theme starts to play)
(Harry's eyes open wider as the song "Discovery of the day" picks up)
Harry singing:
I've just made the greatest discovery of the day
Greater than the day I made Voldemort go away
This little piece of paper that Hermione had in her tiny hand
Holds the answers that Slytherin's Heir needs to know to command.
What's been Petrifying all these poor Muggle-borns
Is a creature so foul you'll wish it had never been born
It lurks all over in the school's pipes
Giving off a smell that is so ripe
The thing that has been terrorizing our whole school
The thing that has been ever so cruel
Is a mythical creature called a Basilisk
A dirty, great serpent who's skin feels so brisk.
It's gotten all over the whole damn school
Not seen by a single soul.
Pretty damn cool, wouldn't you say? I think I'm on a role.
This says that anyone who looks in its eyes will suffer instant death.
They won't feel a single think, not even the stench of its breath.
Somehow everybody looked in its eyes but somehow they survived.
How did they manage that? How were they only petrified?
Ron: How?
Harry: I've got it all figured out.
Harry singing:
Mrs. Norris, that little cat, ran through a pool.
Yeah, there was water on the floor that saved her from a fate so cruel.
She saw the reflection of its eyes, and proceeded to suddenly freeze.
As her bitch Flitch came running in, his breath just a wheeze.
Justin Finch-Fletchley believed I was the heir
Maybe he thought it was all just a dare
Not my fault that he's a little freaken' runt
And poor Nearly Headless Nick got the full freaken' brunt
Now Hermione, Jacob, and that Ravenclaw Prefect
Were found with a hand mirror that must've reflected
The monstrous stare of the damn big Basilisk's glare
Good thing Hermione's got so much care
Ron: Then where's the entrance?
Harry: I can't do all the thinking here Ginger!
Harry singing: I've discovered the entrance to the Chamber in the last five seconds
This just proves that I'm so much smarter than you and I'm a force to be reckoned.
On the first floor is an out-of-order girl's bathroom that is haunted by a ghost.
Moaning Myrtle just so happens to be the host.
Ron singing: Harry, that spider told us. So you're not smarter than me! HA!
Looks like we're a team that just has to be!
Both singing: We made the Discovery of The Day! Better than any other one, any other way! We've found a clue that beats the crap outta them all! When it's time to find some stuff with us, you'll have a ball! Discovery of the day! Keeping the bad guys away! Discovery of the day! Keeps that monster at bay! Discovery of the day! Let's go inspect, if we may! Discovery of the day! We work that way!
(Dance part)
Both singing: Let's go pick…if we may! Let's go get…the…DISCOVERY OF THE DAY!
(Song ends, audience cheers)
Ron: Okay. Let's get to the staff room before McGonagall does.
Harry: I was going to suggest that first.
(They run off to the staffroom)
(Final exit beats from the song)
(Commercial break)
(We return to see Harry and Ron running into the staffroom)
(Staffroom appears empty)
Harry, breathing hard: *breath* Okay. *breath* that was a lot of running. Anyway, I don't see any teachers here, man.
Ron, also breathing hard: Yeah, same here, dude. I wonder where they are.
McGonagall on Speaker: All students are to return to their house common rooms at once. Something terrible has happened and I shall now leave you hanging. All teachers are to go to the staffroom at once!
(Harry and Ron look very worried)
Ron: Oh, God. Not another attack! Not now!
Harry: Quickly, let's hear what it's about first.
(Harry climbs into small cabinet)
(Ron crawls in too)
Ron: Man, let's not jump out and scare the teachers. I'm pretty sure it would be bad for the school if the chamber of secrets was opened and all the teachers died of heart attacks.
(Shuts doors)
(Dark, worried, apprehensive music plays as all the teachers run in, many of them extra actors)
McGonagall: I received a message on my cell phone. It says that there is another message under the first one on the second floor corridor.
Snape: Well, what did it say?
McGonagall: It said…it said…The Vampire Diaries is on hiatus until April and there isn't a new Glee this week.
(All teachers gasp dramatically but not falsely and annoyingly as usually seen in spoofs)
(Snape falls into a chair)
Blonde teacher seen in previous episode: How? How could the network do this to us?
McGonagall: I don't know. But there's something else. A student has been snatched by the monster and taken into the chamber itself!
(The teachers gasp except Snape)
(Long pause)
Snape, disappointed: Aw, man!
Blonde teacher: Which kid got taken?
McGonagall: …..Ginny Weasley-
Ron in cabinet: What?
McGonagall: -needs to go back to her common room.
Ginny in doorway: Oh, okay. I just wanted to find out more about the Glee and Vampire Diaries thing.
(Leaves)
Ginny's voice: Bye.
McGonagall: The student that has been taken….is Chad Kragoff.
(Lockhart enters)
Lockhart: So sorry. Dozed off. What did I miss?
(Snape stands)
Snape: Just the man! Just the very man! A boy has been taken into the chamber of secrets, you're moment has come at last.
Lockhart, still with his never ending smile: I beg your pardon?
Snape, seriously: You must go into the *speaks as if to a retarded person*CHAMBER…OF…SECRETS…AND KILL THE MON-STER! AND THEN SAVE THE SCHOOL MIDGET!
(Long pause in which Lockhart keeps smiling)
Lockhart with same face: I beg your pardon?
McGonagall: Well, that's settled then. We'll leave YOU to deal with the school's boogey man then. After all, you said you knew where the entrance was all along and that you should have been given a free rein the whole time. Well here you go. A free rein at last.
(Long pause in which Lockhart keeps smiling)
Lockhart: I beg your pardon?
(Another pause)
McGonagall: Did I…stutter?
Lockhart: Uh, no. So, I'll just go to my office and…get ready.
(Walks out)
Snape: Now we know why he has no wife.
McGonagall: Now, to real business.
(The scene fades and changes to Harry and Ron running through the corridors)
Harry: Lockhart may be useless but the idiot's gonna try and get into the chamber. At least we can tell him what we know!
Ron, behind: I don't like running!
(The scene switches with no fade to Lockhart packing in his office)
(He is no longer wearing his smile)
(The door bangs open)
(Lockhart smiles again but still screams as Harry runs in and startles him)
Harry: Professor!
Lockhart: AH! Oh, hello Mr. Potter.
Harry: Are you going somewhere, Professor?
Lockhart, nervously: Uh, yes. Urgent call. Gotta go. Can't miss it. I am so f**king sorry.
Ron: Oh, yeah? What is it?
Lockhart: I'm….being interviewed on…..uh….David Letterman?
Harry, sarcastically: Yeah right!
Lockhart: Jay Leno?
Harry: No.
Lockhart: Oprah?
Harry: No.
Lockhart: Well, why is that unrealistic?
Harry, shouting in annoyed voice: Because they're all muggles!
(Audience laughs)
Ron: Yeah and what about Chad?
Lockhart: Well, I must say. That when I became Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, there was nothing the job description that said-
Harry: You're running away? After all that made up crap you did in your books- oooh, realization.
Lockhart, loosing smile: Exactly! It's made up bullcrap! And what are you gonna do?
(Harry stands there for a moment and then suddenly grabs Lockhart into a head lock)
Lockhart, very fast: Ah! Stop, you are hurting me! Stop, you are hurting me! Stop, you are hurting me! Stop, you are hurting me!
(They take his wand)
Ron: You're coming with us you coward!
Lockhart: I don't know where the entrance actually is! Oh, I suck!
Harry: You're in luck. We know where it is. Let's go!
(Blackout and we here the Harry Potter epic theme playing as credits begin)
TO BE CONTINUED!
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