There Are Days like This Too

Author: Irish Kaoru

FAKE

Disclaimer: I do not own FAKE in any way shape of form. I think you all know this but I thought that I would make it clear

A/N: I told you that I would turn this into a story and I have. Be warned, just because I have added the whole killer element into the story does not mean emo Ryo is gone. Unfortunately it is never as easy as someone finding out to make a person stop. Cutting becomes an addiction and it is just as hard to stop as smoking and drinking.

Chapter 6

At Last the Truth Comes Out

Ryo's POV

"Thanks man." I can hear Dee say over the receiver before hanging up. He looks over at me with loving eyes that are hazed over with obvious concern for my wellbeing. I feel like a jack ass for putting him through what I did. He smiles softly at me and tells me that we both have the day off. He has taken a personal day so that he can take care of me who is home "sick" with a fever.

Sometimes I can't understand how I got so lucky. I live with a man who adores me. I am the "father" of a son that loves me as if I was his real father. I am lucky and I know this, yet I don't understand why I have this feeling of longing and sadness plaguing me consistently. I am just a fool. I know this and at times like now through the feelings of grief and loneliness that only I seem to feel, I can feel a bit of warmth. Like a fire that is melting the ice that has recently become a tomb for my emotions.

He looks at me with concern apparent on his face as I snap myself out of my thoughts and smile back at him letting him know that everything is ok. And for now things are fine but I cannot help but think, no I know that this is not the end of the problem that I am facing. This is only the start. I have been though this before and know that although I may have been found out it will not put a stop to the guilt that I feel, the sadness, loneliness, the over all apathy I feel towards my life.

We sat there in the kitchen, shortly after Bikky left for school, in an unnerving silence. I knew what was on his mind I could see it in his eyes when he took a peak at me over the lip of his favorite blue mug. How could I do this from him, keep him in the dark for so long, even now that he knows the truth I still keep my feelings from him? I can see my world blur together as tears fill my eyes. I feel like shit.

I more feel him get up and kneel next to rather than see him. He puts his arms around me and for the second time that day I loose all control of my emotions and I break down apologizing to him. In my heart I hope that he will understand what I am trying to say but I don't have the ability to put into words. I need him to understand what I am feeling, what he needs to know. He whispers in my ear words that I cannot hear properly over my sobs but I am aware in my mind that he knows what it is that I want to say to him. I just hope for the sake of my sanity that he forgives me. I couldn't bear to be torn form him because of my miss deeds.

Minutes pass and finally I am calm enough to face him, emotionally strong enough to face what I have to again. I look into those deep emerald orbs that are full with understanding and tenderness. I Tell him that I love him, a pointless sentiment because I sure that he already know this.

"You wanna talk about it babe?" he asks me gently almost as if he is afraid that he will scare me off with his words. I have so much to lose if I do talk to him. He could shun me, turn me away, and leave me. But at the same time I have so much more to gain and I know this. I know somewhere in my confused mind that there is a voice of reason that says that he will stay with me and love me no matter how bad the situation may seem to be. Slowly I nod my head and stand up. I pour us both another cup of coffee and start a new pot. I know that this could take a while.

Together we walk out to the living room and take our respective seats, me at the corner of the couch and him right next to me with an arm over my shoulders in comfort. I relax a little in the warm and loving support. I mull over in my mind where to start. My hands subconsciously rub the rough gauze that is under my shirt in nervous anticipation.

"Please," I begin "don't stop me once I start talking Dee." I don't need to look at him to know that he is nodding his head in silent agreement. "If I stop I don't think that I will be able to finish and tell you what it is that you want to know." This time I look at him, he offers a small smile and urges me on with a gentle squeeze of the shoulders that pulls me closer to him.

"My parents died when I was young, I know you know that but that is where this whole thing began, with the death of my parents. Shortly after their death I was in shock. I refused to grieve and I went right back to school the following day. I had to drown every feeling I had and act like nothing happened or I was sure that I was going to fall apart."

"For several weeks I went on with my life as if nothing happened. My aunt and uncle were worried that I had gotten over it so quickly and they did have a right to worry. It wasn't long after that happened when I myself had an accident. Of course my accident was a lot different than my parents." I looked at him for a moment and smiled weakly, I knew that I was about to come clean with something that I had kept a secret from him since the first time that he had asked me about it, the cuts that were already permanently scared into my arms. Another chapter in the story of my life that I would rather have left out of the book if that was at all possible.

"I had problems sleeping after my parents' death, nightmares that would have me waking up in sweat and tears. When this happened I had to get out of the house, away from everything and I did so by running until I could no longer stand. This night was no different. I woke up crying out for my parents. This dream had me so shaken up though that I can still remember it today. I was shaking as I got dressed and put on my shoes. I think I had run further that night than any other night."

"We lived about seven miles away from central park. I remember the pounding of my feet on the pavement as I ran into the park. Still though I was frightened the dream was still plaguing me. I fell onto one of the benches and waited for my breath to return before I headed home. The sun was already starting to come up and I knew that they would be worried about me if I didn't get home. About two and a half hours later I remember trying to climb the steps to the porch but I don't remember anything other than reaching for the door and blackness. I had passed out and fell right through the glass the made up the door."

"The next thing I remember was waking up in my Aunt's car as we drove towards the hospital. I just felt weak, there was no pain involved. I looked at my arm which was bandaged tightly around my wrist. When I undid the bandage I saw, what at the time, I thought was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen before. I remember thinking this must be what my parents looked like when they were killed. The red was mesmerizing. I know it's an odd way to explain blood but that was all I could see it as was beautiful."

When I looked back over at him I could tall that he knew what I was talking about which relieved me. I never expected to see understanding, fear perhaps that he may have gotten involved with a psycho but never the depth of tender understanding that he was offering me.

"I-I almost was killed by that one accident. If it wasn't for my neighbor who saw me fall I wouldn't be here right now. The glass had cut the major vein in just the right place. As luck would have it the cut was not all that deep through the vein just deep enough to be life treating, the doctor did say that I would have died though if it had cut any deeper into it."

"I wanted to die Dee; I couldn't hold it in anymore. The two people who meant the world to me had left me alone. I was scared, I felt betrayed and hurt. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. When I remembered what the doctor had said and that I had almost died it gave me the idea. I started cutting myself. That's how this whole mess started."

I knew I was crying I could feel the tears streaming down my face and landing on my hands. Dee pulled me into a big hug and refused to let me go. Once again I broke down and cried like the baby that I felt I was.

"I had cut myself for two years Dee but never had the courage to take my own life." I sob into his chest. "And then now, this case, the last case, and even the case before that, I haven't been able to help a god damn person and I just started to have all those feelings again. I am worthless, no good, and there is no point for me to be here. I hate everything about me. The way I look the way I act, my personality I hate it all." By now I was screaming at him pounding my chest with every example to emphasize my point.

"I cannot take this anymore Dee, I cannot keep feeling like this, like everything is my fault but I don't know how to stop it. I know that there are things that are out of my control but they shouldn't be I should be able to help everyone that comes to me for my help and if I can then I should be able to show them who can!"

I stood up and started to pace the room. Dee still sat on the couch and watched me. His expression still had not changed, he still wore the 'it's-ok-Ryo-because-I-love-you-no-matter-what-and-I-am-here-for-you-for-whatever-you-need' face. I just watched him for a long moment waiting for his expression to change. My body started shaking and I fell to my knees "Why can I not just die?" I whispered more to myself than to Dee although I knew he heard me. The sobs wracked my body by the time Dee came over to me again.

"Don't come near me I said softly." But he wouldn't listen to me. "Don't come near me!" I yelled loudly this time but he still came towards me, there wasn't even a moment's hesitation. When he knelt next to me I did the first thing I could think of and I swung at him. My fist hit him square in the chest and he lost balance and fell backwards a little. Then he came near me again he tried to hug me I started to pound on his chest as hard as I could, but he didn't budge.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME NEAR ME!" I screamed as loudly as I could. He grabbed a hold of my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. I just fell into his chest and kept telling him to go away, to leave me alone, too let me die.

"I'm not going anywhere Ryo." He said much softer than I had been speaking. "I am here whether you want me to be or not. I am staying right here with you Ryo. Push me, punch me, throw me around and I will come right back to you Ryo." I felt something warm hit me in the face. I brought my hand to my forehead and wiped up the offending wetness. When I realized what it was I pushed Dee back to look at him. His face was wet, he had been crying too. I never meant to hurt him! I started to panic in my head.

"God I can't do anything right" I whispered hugging Dee. "I'm sorry." I felt Dee laugh a little in my arms. He pulled back and looked at me, eyes still shimmering with the tears that he was holding back.

"Please don't ever say you want to die Ryo!" he whispered in my ear. "Live if only for me, please." He had started crying again and I too had broken down. I kissed him with all the need I had. I needed him; I needed him to know I needed him.

Our tongues danced out the passion playing in our hearts, it gave movement to the emotions that were overtaking me, killing me slowly from the inside. It was a kiss that was me, all of me. My guards were down, my soul was what I now offered to Dee and he accepted it with open arms aware of what it meant to take this gift from me.

Then with the amazing timing that we seem to posses the phone rang. We both wanted nothing more than to ignore it but had no choice to answer it when the answering machine picked it up.

"Hey, Laytner I know you are there pick up the phone man." Ted's voice was slightly rushed like it was something important. Dee sighed and stood up picking up the receiver. I walked into the other room to fix another cup of coffee, feeling the need to just step out of myself for a moment when I heard Dee yell.

"-Dismissed right?" was all I caught as I walked into the room.

"I'll be right there" and with that I saw Dee hang up the phone. He looked at me grimly.

"Hey babe school is getting out a little early today." I looked at him confused; it was only 8:40 school should start in five minutes. I looked at him questioningly. "Our murder hit again and Mr. Connell well, the poor man was found by Bikky none the less, propped up against his desk." I staggered back a little. Mr. Connell was Bikky's homeroom teacher a nice guy all around, outstanding at what he did. "And to top it all off," Dee's voice brought me back to the moment, "it looks like the work of our man." I had to sit down. I was too stunned by what I had just heard.

"Baby," Dee said in a tone that was more serious and concern filled than I had ever heard it before, "Are you going to be ok if I leave you here by yourself. Bikky should be home in a few minutes and I doubt you want him coming home to an empty house. I am going to head down to the school." I nodded and gave him a weak smile.

"I'll be fine Dee." He gently kissed me before grabbing his jacket.

"It's up to you Ryo, I would rather you take the day off but if you need to you know where to go right?" I nodded again. He kissed the top of my head.

"I love you so much Ryo." He whispered, "Please remember that." He gave me a smile that was just as weak as mine had been before he walked out the door. I just sat there. First the lawyer then Mr. Connell, what the hell is going on?

A/N: Hey thanks for reading. I am sorry if you didn't like the last chapter, I know it wasn't DeeXRyo centered but it was necessary for the story. So yeah I made Ryo emo again and you got a little bit of his past and how the cutting started. And yadda yadda yadda.

Hopefully I will update again next week. So till chapter 7 c-ya!

Irish Kaoru