Wow, how quick am I writing this? Maybe I should keep you waiting a little longer for the next one... say when I have 60 reviews... I'm a tease :P Anyway, enjoy!
Still stressed out from his run in with Dr. Cox, Doug was nervously racing down the corridor to get to rounds when he found himself colliding with Elliot who was just leaving a patient's room. Both ended up on the floor.
"Ow! Frick! Oh God, I'm so sorry!" Elliot quickly spat out worried about who she'd offended, then she noticed who it was. "Oh, Doug. Hi! You okay?" She reached out her hand to help him up. Her and JD had always had a soft spot for Doug, as much as they felt they had it tough sometimes, they would never trade places with the so-called "nervous guy" of the hospital.
"Um, hey Elliot. Yeah, I'm okay. Um, I've come back to do rounds because Dr. Cox just told me to leave him alone again."
"Aw, Doug. What happened this time?" She put her arm on Doug's back and led him over to the Nurse's station where Carla was once again stood. She was always good at handling these things. Doug was still shaking in his usual way and Carla took him by the arm and sat him down.
"Come on sweetie. You really need to stop taking what Dr. Cox says so seriously. Half the time he's just pissed off at something going on in his own life rather than something you've done. If you don't get over this phobia soon Doug and start strengthening up, he's just gonna keep walking all over you."
"Yeah Doug, Carla's right. I bet you didn't even do anything wrong. Was it something to do with this patient?" Elliot grabbed the chart out of his hands. "I'll check it. I bet there's nothing wrong at all!"
"Um, no... Well, yes. Um, I was going to ask him about the patient, but then JD collapsed and I jus-"
"WHAT?" Both Carla and Elliot stared at Doug as if they had seen a ghost. This only made Doug more nervous.
"Um... uh...Well, I- I asked if he was okay."
"No Doug! What do you mean JD collapsed??" Carla looked at Doug impatiently.
"Um... I don't-"
"Somebody collapsed? Oh my God, did they hit their head? Are they insured?... Was it our fault?... Are they still alive???... My God they're gonna sue. It's over, they're gonna sue. Come on, Ted, think.. write them a letter.. no-"
"Ted! Nobody's gonna sue!" Carla's frustration was starting to wear thin.
"Oh thank God." Ted then switched back to his usual blank expression and continued down the corridor as if nothing had happened.
Despite the situation, Elliot and Carla couldn't help but watch this strange "Jekyll and Hyde" character for a moment longer, no doubt wondering how a man so terrified of the law had become a lawyer.
Both women shook their heads and returned their thoughts to the problem at hand. This time Elliot tried.
"Ok Doug, what happened to JD?" She looked him straight in the eyes, trying to calm him. It seemed to work.
"Um, well one minute he was walking along, then the next... um, he couldn't breathe, I think. Um, Dr. Cox grabbed him and I think JD asked him to stop hurting him, or something. He was trying to get away. Um, it kinda looked like a panic attack.."
"Alright, well where is he? Is Dr. Cox with him now?" Elliot exchanged a worried look with Carla.
"Um, I think so. He was in paediatrics. I don't know if they are still there."
"Paediatrics?" Carla turned to Elliot. "What was he doing there?"
Elliot was already moving away from the desk, 'doctor mode' setting in.
"I dunno, but I'll go up there, see what's going on, you go and find Turk. He's needs to- umph!"
"Woah, Elliot watch out, you'll make Carla jealous."
"Turk! Carla was just going to come looking for you!"
Turk felt his wife's arm grab his forearm and drag him down the corridor.
"Wait! Baby, stop! Where are we going?" He tried to dig in his heels, but as always with that relationship, Carla won out.
"No time baby, just come. I'll tell you on the way." With that the three worried companions dashed through the hospital.
"I'll just, um... stay here then... " Looking to see if anyone was listening, finding no one, Doug got out of the chair and started towards rounds. "Oh.. O.. K.. then."
"Now Newbie... spill it" It's been ten minutes since Dr. Cox said those terrifying words. The reason why I know it's been ten minutes is because I have been near paralysed since he spoke them and the clock is in my eye line. I have mentioned very little to him about what happened to me when I was younger, I have never had any intentions of speaking to somebody about my past as much as I would like to, but how do you explain it? Especially to Dr. Cox. There's no way I would willingly supply him with extra ammo to hit me with. But now, because he's realised he was involved in my treatment when I was younger, he seems to think he has some claim to my experiences. I just keep trying to ignore the fact that he is sat staring directly at me. Almost trying to read my thoughts. This is slowly turning into a battle of wills. He must be getting annoyed enough to give up soon.
"Look Newbie, you know damn fine I don't wanna be here." So you keep telling me, then why don't you just go??? "But as much as it pains me to say it, and don't get all smug on me now. I don't think my conscience would actually let me walk out on you at this very moment... I have... wondered about that kid I saw as an intern for 12 years. Often wondered whether he was alive, whether he got away from that life, what he became. For that kid to be you.. it... it makes me sick to my stomach. Please, do not mistake that for me caring about you, because... I really,really don't. But to think that kid has been following me around and I never noticed... that's what makes me sick. If anything Newbie, I need you to talk to me to help me get over the fact I couldn't help you as a kid. I've been given a second chance. So have you. Take it."
I looked long and hard at Dr. Cox. Were his eyes watering slightly?... No.. don't be stupid. He would never cry over me. He stared right back at me. He wasn't trying to persuade me any more, it was now up to me whether I confided in him. It was at that moment I realised what a fool I had been. This was Dr. Cox for God's sake. The man I have looked up to and respected ever since I started working at this hospital. This is the man I aspire to be like one day, and I was pushing him away because I wasn't sure if I could trust him? That was Dave's handiwork, making me doubt myself and others around me. But no more. I wouldn't ever want to be like Dr. Cox if I didn't absolutely trust him. So I made my decision.
"Okay... I'm ready. Just ask me what you need to know.." Oh my God, oh my God.
"Newbie, you know it doesn't work like that." I do? "You start wherever you feel comfortable. It's not about what I want to know."
Where the hell do I start? I suppose the best place is at the beginning. But how did it all start? It all seems to merge into one long nightmare that goes on forever, with no real beginning and no real end. Yet, along with it comes the feeling that it never happened at all. Memories keep flashing into my head, all jumbled, all confused. Piecing the puzzle together is the hardest part. It's almost embarrassing, I can hardly remember something that has 'supposedly' affected me so much. I feel like a fraud.
"I seem to remember I was about 8 at the time. I don't know though, I'm trying to go off my school teacher, who I think was Mrs. Sampson, which would make me... yeah 8." When did I start talking?
"My parents had split up about a year before and my Mom had just got together with the guy who would be counted as her second husband. My Dad was living just down the road at the time in this nasty bedsit. I always wanted to move out of Mom's house and go and live with my Dad, but he could barely take care of himself. Never mind having a kid living with him too."
I found myself thinking back to the times I would go round to his house and find him trying to iron his curtains or cook his dinner and inevitably, he would end up setting fire to something, even doing the washing.
JD smiled to himself. Dr. Cox watched him and couldn't help the urge to smile sadly back at the kid, as he knew he was trying to block out the bad memories with the good. The smile suddenly left JD's face and he looked to the floor then continued.
"But, uh... my Mom wasn't really much better. This new boyfriend of hers wasn't the sort you would like to, as they say 'introduce to your parents'. He was into alcohol, and drugs, and after the divorce my Mom had been on a real low. She turned to the stuff he offered her I suppose to escape from her depression. But it made things worse. She spent half of her time passed out on the couch, the other half she would spend out partying. I could go for weeks without even speaking to her. Thankfully though, although it was her boyfriend's fault she was in this mess, he worked enough to support us. We would have starved if not for him. Although, I never realised it at the time." I kinda shocked myself there. I had always hated that boyfriend back then. I always thought I still did, but now when I think about it, I owe my life to him.
"Anyway... at this time, Dan spent a lot of time staying over at his mates house and taking advantage of the fact that our Mom never actually cared where we were. That's probably why he's so attached to her now... He didn't see the things I saw."
"What did you see?"
I got a shock when Dr. Cox interrupted my thoughts. He was obviously wanting to know more about the other stuff... of course he was. He didn't want my life story. Just move on to the stuff he needs to know about.
"JD, I am not trying to rush you." Is he a mind reader? "I just want to find out as much as possible from you. If it takes a bit of time then, okay. Don't try to tell me anything you're not ready to yet. I just thought I'd give it a whack."
"No, Dr. Cox. It's okay..." Now, where was I? "Well, I would sometimes walk in on them injecting themselves, and other times I would find my Mom rolling around the floor in her underwear, which as you can probably imagine was... quite embarrassing. At times like that I would go round to my Dad's. He would talk to me about the new woman in his life... Julie, she was called. He would also talk to me about his best friend Dave..."Dr. Cox's expression hardened at the mention of the man's name. Then he realised JD had gone silent again. This time, he decided not to interrupt.
The two doctors sat in complete silence until JD felt confident enough to carry on.
"He, um, he told me that this woman, Julie, had been Dave's ex-wife. Apparently Dave had been upset at first, but after a week he wasn't bothered. I thought that was a bit strange, but I didn't question it. My Dad was happy... so I was. He invited me round to meet them both. I couldn't remember it before, but I do now, it was a really sunny day, start of the summer holidays. I wanted my Dad to be proud of me so I put on my nicest shirt and trousers and made my way round. On my way, I saw Dan. I remember him laughing at me being all dressed up and he got me in a head lock and messed up my hair. As usual, his friends all called me names. I hadn't seen Dan in a week, so I was just pleased he was still alive... So.. when I got there, I knocked on the door. This huge man answered. It wasn't my Dad. He bent down and shook my hand and introduced himself as Dave. I remember trying to smile back at him, but I couldn't manage it. He was the biggest guy I had ever seen at the time. But thinking about it now, compared to my Dad, even Randall would be huge."
Dr. Cox gave JD a confused look but he continued none the less.
"Anyway, Julie couldn't make it. I spent most of the afternoon talking to my Dad and to.. Dave.. about random stuff. He seemed really interested in what I had to say. To be honest... I liked him... I liked him a lot... So, when he... it happened... the first time... that made it so much harder." This is so hard. I've spent all this time talking, trying to avoid getting to this part. But there's not a lot more I can say without sounding completely to blame. What are you gonna tell him? How you would visit your Dad nearly everyday in the hope that Dave might have been there so you could have a chat? How you accepted every gift he gave you with a hug and a kiss? How you sat on his knee and let him put his hand between your legs because you liked the way it felt? I'm disgusting. I knew exactly what he was doing when he did that. But still, I let it happen because sometimes.. God damn it, it was stimulating. Sometimes I would even ask him if I could sit on his knee! I so deserved it. He probably thought I wanted it in the beginning... if I'd said no he probably would have just stopped... This internal battle is what I have had to cope with over the years, I always think that he must have known what he was doing... but then on the other hand if I had just had the balls to say no, it probably wouldn't have started in the first place... So who's to blame there? Oh, damn.. Dr. Cox is watching me still...
"So, what happened...the first time?" Sometimes a simple question can just help you to regather your thoughts.
"I went to the bathroom... he followed me. My Dad had gone to the store to get some ice cream so he wasn't in. I tried to leave as I wasn't comfortable peeing in front of someone but he took me by the shoulders and sat me on the side of the bath. I remember him saying, 'Be a good boy now and take off your pants'. At first I didn't want to but he told me I could trust him. 'This is how guys bond'. And of course, stupid me, I believed him. Then he pulled out his... well... you know..." My head is starting to feel slightly woozy again.
"And then... he, uh-"
The door burst open.
"JD! Are you okay? We heard you collapsed." He had nearly jumped out of his skin.
Carla, Elliot and Turk all rushed around JD as Dr. Cox sat back in his chair obviously annoyed at the intrusion.
After listening to three people bombard JD with questions for what he considered 'long enough' (which in reality was more like 5 seconds) he did his usual whistle causing the noise to subside.
JD found himself in shock. He had not expected somebody to interrupt his one-to-one with his mentor and when they had it brought him back to Earth with a bump. He was no longer in his dream-like state where he had almost disassociated himself from his memories, it was no longer like telling a story. It was in the cold light of day that he actually realised he had to face Dr. Cox after this. Then suddenly, he had the overwhelming urge to leave. He stood up, causing Carla, Turk and Elliot to panic.
"JD? Where are you going?" Elliot tried to grab his wrist.
"I need some air." JD walked out of the door.
"Then let me come."
She went to follow him only to be stopped by Dr. Cox.
"Don't Barbie. Let him have some space."
She looked at Cox wanting to get annoyed with him, but she knew that wouldn't help. So she sat down.
Dr. Cox walked towards the window to see JD shuffling towards a bench in the parking lot. He noticed how JD now seemed a lot more alert that he had been during their conversation.
Damn, I've lost you.