Pyro's Massive Invasion of Privacy

By The Bubbles

Summary- Left to his own devices, Pyro sneaks into everyone's rooms and reads their diaries.

Disclaimer- Pyro, in all his awesomeness, is the property of Stan Lee, whose shoes I am not worthy to tie the laces of. I'm not worthy!

A/N- What, you thought that I would write a story about Pyro and then leave him out of all the fun? A pox on everyone who thought that, a pox, I say! So, yeah, anyway, this is Pyro's diary entry for the day of the story. It's written a few days after the fact to give Pyro time to sober up, though. And don't forget to go vote for the next story I write!

The scene in here with Sabretooth and the light fixture is dedicated to my beta reader Tocxica, because she's the one who wanted to see it.

Oh yeah, and the legal drinking age in Australia is 18, if I remember correctly. Since Pyro was probably older than that when he left, he would have conceivably been allowed to drink, whether it was a good idea or not. Also, I've never been able to get an accurate count of Pyro's age (people put it anywhere from 17 to 23, usually) so I'm meeting in the middle and saying that at this point in time, he is about 20. (Keep in mind this is a bit later than the series, since some time has gone by since the Apocalypse fiasco.

Snap- Calling that a fiasco is like calling Sherman's March a stroll through the park.

Bubbles- Oh, put a sock in it. By the way, how's that story coming along?

Snap- It's only a oneshot, so I'm almost finished. Are you going to post it?

Bubbles- Depends on what I think of it.

(o.o.o)

/Denotes thought/

(o.o.o)

Chapter 6- From the Mind of a Pyromaniac

(o.o.o)

Ok, so Saturday started out boring. Everyone had plans for the day, and none of them wanted to play with me. So I decided to get them back by reading their diaries, and you wanna know what I found out? They were all at a party! I wasn't even invited! So I… kinda got a little even. Of course, they're never gonna wanna play with me ever after this. Hmmm… didn't think this all the way through.

(o.o.o)

Pyro brushed his hands on his pants and surveyed his handiwork. He had spray painted polka-dots all over the walls of Gambit's room, toilet papered Piotr's, taped saran wrap across the door to Sabretooth's (after leaving nice little flaming gift for him) pinned Mastermind's boxers to the walls of the base, and found a new ferret, which he left in Magneto's room for him to find later.

"That'll teach 'em t' go to a party without tellin' me. And I know it was a good party too, cause usually they just tell me that it's a drinking party. Man I wish I were old enough to drink. Stupid America with its high legal drinking age. I miss alcohol."

He looked around and realized that he was talking to himself. He was really going crazy. Didn't all crazy people talk to themselves? Well, no. Some crazy people talked to other people. The fact that those people were not real and only existed in that person's imagination notwithstanding, they were not talking to themselves.

"I wonder what other revenge I can exact on those fellows before I go pick 'em up? Hmmm… Hey I know!"

He dug around in the cabinet under the sink in his bathroom until he found what he was looking for. There, at the very back, were seven cans of silly string. He had stashed them there during the prank war they'd fought against the Brotherhood two months ago.

Taking the silly string and cackling evilly, he began to completely cover the walls of the living room, the lounge, and the rec room… pretty much the entire first floor of the base. Soon, the walls were a colorful mass of silly string, which aside from being annoying to clean up, smelled really bad and would assault Sabretooth's heightened sense of smell nicely.

"Now for the coup d'état," he said smugly.

He set up a motion camera at the end of the hallway. He would get photographic evidence of his revenge.

"All right, I think I've made Gambit wait long enough. I'll go pick him and the others up now."

(o.o.o)

Pyro pulled into the front yard of the Institute with much more ease than usual. Yep, anger and hurt feelings turn Pyro into a good driver.

The first thing he noticed was that the lights were off in much of the mansion. This was odd; of all the times he had visited the Institute he had never known it to be completely dark. Sure, it was full of teenagers who didn't like to stay home on a Saturday night, but there were of course the teachers, and there was always going to be that one lonely kid who had no life or who had gotten grounded. And then, of course, there was the fact that Remy had told him to meet him there. So what the heck was going on? Where was everybody?

"Remy? Remmers?" Pyro pushed the door open tentatively. It opened easily, another bad sign. The X-Men had too many enemies to just leave their door unlocked if they were all gone. "Hello? Where are ya,' Rem?"

He walked quietly into the living room; reaching behind him, his hand sought the light switch and he found it. He flipped it up, and the lights came on, bathing the room with light and illuminating the people now jumping out at him from all directions.

"Surprise! Happy Birthday!"

"Ack! What?"

"Bout time ya got here. Gambit called ya over an hour ago."

"Ya shouldn't keep us waiting like that, Runt."

"W-wh-what? Birthday?" Pyro checked the date on his watch. "It is my birthday!"

"Pyro, you idiot. How could ya forget yo' own birthday?" Gambit smacked him in the back of the head to emphasize his point. "Ya' been remindin' us all week, an' we been tryin' ta sneak around an' plan dis party."

"Well, I just…" He put a hand to the back of his neck and laughed sheepishly. "You all left me alone t'day and I was so lonely all by me lonesome, so it just kind of slipped me mind."

The others had a good laugh about this before dragging him forcefully over to a table piled with colorfully wrapped boxes and a cake with 'Happy 21st, Pyro!' in bright orange letters.

"So what first, Pyro? Presents or cake?"

"Hmm…" Pyro looked longingly at the presents sitting on the table, then at the cake looking delicious, then at the hungry faces of his friends. "Better make it cake. Yes, that's probably for the best."

(o.o.o)

"Excellent cake." Pyro leaned back in his seat and patted his stomach. "Probably the best cake I've had all week."

"T'ink ya wen' a bi' ovaboard on d' seventh slice dere, John." Gambit said. "Shoulda stopped at six. Or five."

Most of the partygoers had long since finished eating and were now either on the dance floor or surrounding it. A few had disappeared, namely Jamie and Bobby, and Pyro had a sneaking suspicion that they were up to something.

"It's so nice to be legal drinking age again," Pyro said happily. Though there was no alcohol at the party, since it was largely populated by minors, Gambit and the others had promised to take him to a bar later on. "Just earlier I was saying to meself about how I missed alcohol."

Gambit snorted. "I'd pay t' see you drunk."

"Aw, I c'n hold me alcohol."

The whole time this conversation was going on he had been opening some of the brightly wrapped gifts on the table next to him. Lighter, lighter, lighter, magic nine ball, lighter… It seemed as if everyone had copped out with a novelty lighter. He sighed.

"Is it so much to ask for total world domination?"

Gambit grinned and socked his arm playfully.

"So, Cajun, ya gonna ask me ta dance or not?" They looked up. Rogue was standing over them, her arms crossed and a playful scowl on her face. "It's a once in a lahfetahme oppurtunity. Take or leave it."

"Who gonna say no ta dat invitation?" He grabbed her gloved hand and bowed. "May I have dis dance, Mon Cherie?"

(o.o.o)

The party was going well. Pyro had danced with half the girls present already, and was currently spinning Tabitha around and around to the classic swinging sounds of the 20's. Nearby, Rogue was cutting a fabulous rug with Kurt, whose wiry frame proved to be perfect for that particular style of dance. Logan had surprised them all with a growl of 'amateurs' and grabbed Storm in order to 'show them how it was done,' and Toad had finally convinced Wanda to give him a chance to prove himself and was swinging her around rather dangerously whilst Magneto gave the patented hey-you-get-away-from-my-daughter glare™.

"Bombs away!"

That was when everything went south.

Everyone screamed and yelled and ran out of the way when Bobby and about a dozen or so Jamie's began pelting everyone with water balloons filled with… with…

"Whipped cream?" Pyro scraped some off of his shirt and tasted it. "Who fills a hunnerd water balloons with whipped cream?"

"Someone pulling a prank with a cherry on top!"

Bobby pulled a rope on the wall and a platform above him fell open, dropping several more whipped cream balloons and a pound of cherries onto his head. Bobby closed his eyes as they all laughed at him and sighed. Pyro's cackling laugh rose above the others. Bobby reached up and scraped whipped cream out of his eyes, utterly humiliated.

"How did you know?"

"Saw ya' leavin' early and figgered that ya' had something planned. Just a matter of makin' a few, ah, rearrangements. Anyway, I trust you've learned your lesson now. Never, ever, ever try ta pull a prank on St. John Allerdyce on his birthday." He plucked a cherry from Bobby's shirt and popped it in his mouth. "Though I am impressed. It musta taken ages to fill these balloons."

"Not really." The twelve or so Jamie's disappeared, taking with them much of the whipped cream and balloon fragments. Since they all disappeared, it was only to be assumed that the real Jamie was hiding to escape the punishment he would almost certainly receive.

"Self-cleaning prank," Pyro said appreciatively. He sniffed. "Leaves only the fresh scent of pine, ah."

"No more MST3K for you," Magneto muttered.

(o.o.o)

The party finally wound down at around 1. The younger students had gone to bed, as had most of the older ones. Mastermind had left, Mystique had sent the Brotherhood home with strict orders that they were to go home, and she and Magneto had left, muttering something about new tactics, which probably meant a mutual plan to win back their children's love. Xavier had fallen asleep in his chair, and someone had taken a marker to his face. Storm was shooing a few stragglers upstairs to bed, and Logan was in the kitchen drinking a beer. He had refused to go to bed while Sabretooth was loose in the mansion; Sabretooth, on the other hand, was currently playing rock-paper-scissors with Gambit and Colossus to determine who would be designated driver that night.

And Pyro? Pyro was playing with his new Magic Nine Ball.

"Oh Magic Nine Ball, will my next book be a hit?" He shook it. "Titanic, director's cut? What's that got to do with it?"

He threw it against the wall, where it hit with a thunk and rolled over to his feet. 'Ask again later' appeared on the window.

What? You expected fairies or something?

"Come on Pyro," Gambit said. They had finally settled the designated driver question (it would be Piotr) and were ready to go. "You feel like going to a bar and getting drunk as a skunk?"

Pyro grinned. "You bet!"

(o.o.o)

A/N- A million pardons for this next section. Bubbles is only 19 years old and has never been in a bar. All of her knowledge is taken from movies, and so would be the reason for some horrible clichés about to be used.

(o.o.o)

The bar they picked to take Pyro to was seedy, run-down, and populated by only a few late-nighters trying to drink away their problems. A pair of bikers in leather jackets had claimed the one pool table in the room. A TV was playing some game show called 'You Can't Win.' In the corner, a man sat alone with several empty glasses on the table in front of him. A balding man behind the bar was cleaning a glass with a dirty rag. (See? Clichés.) When they sat down, he nodded toward them before doing a double take. He walked over to them.

"Hey boys, who's the kid?"

"Pyro here just turned legal," Sabretooth growled, cuffing Pyro rather painfully on the shoulder. "Figured we'd bring him out and get him drunk. Bring us the usual, and bring the Runt a birthday special."

The others grinned, and Pyro was forced to wonder what was so funny. Truth be told, he was getting nervous. He hadn't been legal long when he went to America and suddenly couldn't drink anymore. That coupled with the fact that he knew his friends to be the type to play horrible tricks on him made him decide not to drink anything they gave him.

Several drinks and three hours later…

"For the last time, Pirates are way cooler than ninjas."

"No way. Ninjas kick pirate butt around the corner and back."

"What, guys with knives running around in their pajamas? What's intimidating about that? Now a pirate, a pirate gets to use really big weapons. They don't have to hide in the shadows and slink around. They take what they want, and screw anyone who tries to stop them."

"Pirates just run around on their little boats with their little birds and drink a lot. They can't even keep their body parts and they get scurvy! How is that better than a stealthy ninja?"

Pyro and Piotr were watching the argument between their friends much like one watches a ping-pong game, i.e., moving their heads back and forth.

"I forget," Pyro said. "How did they get onto this conversation?"

"It started with a badly timed bald-joke and everything went downhill from there," Piotr replied.

"Oh, right! I remember that episode. That was a good one. Wheeee!" This last part was because he chose that moment to discover that his barstool could spin. "I tell ya' mate, I sure missed being able ta drink." He stood up and tried to walk, only to get dizzy and nearly fall as a result of both the alcohol and the spinning.

"Oh! Pyro! I've got you!" It was Ace. She grabbed him and helped him back to his seat. "Having a little trouble with gravity there, are you?"

"Naw, I'm fine." He squinted. "Acey? What are you doing here? I thought you were under age?"

"I didn't sneak in. I have an ID." She showed them a driver's license that clearly put her age at 21. Pyro didn't miss the way she avoided the question.

"Yeah, but aren't you under age? What are you doin' here?"

"That's a good question. You always seem to show up where we happen to be." Gambit and Sabretooth had abandoned their argument and were now staring intently at Ace. "Gambit don't believe in coincidences. You got something to hide?"

Ace smiled slyly. "All right, you've found me out. Truth is I'm an agent of a freelance mutant organization that seeks out mutants listed as terrorists and finds out if they're fit to go on in regular society. The theatre gig is just a cover."

Pyro laughed. "That's a good one Acey, but I know you're lying."

"Oh? Do tell."

"If that were true you wouldn't have told us."

"Unless I knew you'd think that."

"Eh…' They all looked at each other, not sure what to think. "So, what are you doing here?"

"I'm meeting someone here. In fact, if a furry guy with pointy hair and ears and a fluffy tail comes in, send him to the back for me, would ya, Pyro?"

Pyro gave a half-salute and she ran off. With her gone, Pyro took the oppurtunity to have a look around. He perked up immediately.

"They have a karaoke machine here!" he said happily. "This is great!"

He ran up onto the stage, while the others stared. They had been coming to this bar for years- well, not years, but a long time, and they had never noticed the karaoke machine. Pyro, meanwhile, had been there three hours and was trying to pick out a song.

"Got it! Perfect song, I love this song." The music started, and he began to sing.

"The Spinach Inquisition, it's here and it's a hoot!" (1)

The others gave a collective groan of horror. How had that song made it into the selection?

"Y' t'ink he's had enough t' drink?" Gambit asked. "Maybe it's about time we went home. It's almost 4:30, and Gambit got plans t'morrow."

"You wanna try tellin' the Runt that he's had enough? I don't. Not one bit."

Pyro, meanwhile, had finished his song and started another one.

"Well out in the country we didn't have mortuaries and so it was always customary for the undertaker to do his job and lay yer kinfolk out at home."

"Where has Gambit heard dis song before?"

"The church would send ya foldin' chairs and ya'd have visitation and everything right there and when the nighttime came ya'd have ta sit up with the dead cause it wasn't right to leave 'em alone."

Gambit snapped his fingers. "That's right, it was when we went to Georgia a while back."

"Well the last time I sat up was '65 when my old arthritic Uncle Fred died. He was 97 an' s' stooped over the mortician couldn't straighten 'im out!"

"Da, I remember that. The girl on the other side of the bus would not stop singing along."

"They used a loggin' chain ta hold 'im down an' covered that all up with a cape and a gown an' didn' tell nobody in the fam'ly cause that's the kinda thing people don't wanna know about."

"Y'know, this could just be the alcohol talking, but the Runt's not that bad a singer when he's drunk."

"Well we were all sittin' there it was three in the mornin'…"

"Non, Gambit notices it too. De boy actually sounds pretty good."

"There came a great flash of thunder lightnin' and stormin.'"

"Could just be de alcohol, dough."

"That thunder clapped and that lightnin' flashed and that chain round old Uncle Fred went snap…"

"No, comrade, I am noticing it too."

"It rattled and fell to the floor with a thunk and Uncle Fred just sat right up!"

They all gaped, in awe, at the realization that Pyro had a drunken talent, kind of like how Leland Stottlemayer is smarter than Monk when he gets wasted or how Peter Griffin can play the piano. (2,3)

"…And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more cause the dead started sittin up too!" (4)

Pyro finished his song and was greeted by the polite applause of his friends and the amused applause of a werewolf standing in the doorway. Sabretooth took one look at him before hissing and leaping straight up into the air, where he grabbed a light fixture and held on. The werewolf, if he noticed, chose not to comment.

"That was an excellent song, mate," he said with a light Welsh twang.

"Hey, thanks!" Pyro hopped offstage and shook hands with the British lycanthrope. "Er, 'r you here ta see Ace?"

"That's right. Do you know where she is?"

"Right back there." Pyro indicated the back door. "Say, aren't you underage, too?"

"That I am," the werewolf said. He gave a two-fingered salute as he backed through the door. "Cheers."

CRASH!

The light fixture that Sabretooth was hanging on had decided that it wasn't strong enough to support his weight and let go of the ceiling. Sabretooth shook glass out of his hair.

"Lousy canines."

(o.o.o)

"On top of the world lookin' down on creation…" (5)

They were on their way home, after deciding that it was late, (or early, depending on your point of view.) Pyro had consented to let Piotr drive his precious convertible, mostly because he had passed out drunk two seconds after sitting down. He was now in the backseat, using a very annoyed Sabretooth as a pillow and singing softly in his sleep.

"The lights of home are up ahead. I see Jason has left the porchlight on for us to see," Piotr said sleepily. He pulled the car into the garage and parked in Pyro's usual spot. "We are home, my friends."

Gambit stirred a little and jerked awake. He looked around and was surprised to find they were in the garage. He hadn't even realized that he was asleep. In the backseat, Sabretooth was trying to wake Pyro, who was clutching his arm like a pillow.

"Kid's got a surprisingly strong grip," he growled. Gambit sighed and tried to help. Between the two of them they managed to get him awake. He opened his bloodshot eyes and stared at them.

"Home already? Oh… uh…" He suddenly remembered all the traps he had set earlier. "Maybe we should go do something else. I mean, the night is still young! …Right?"

Gambit and Piotr were too tired to bother thinking about what he was up to. Sabretooth, on the other hand, had raised a kid (for a little while anyway) and remembered enough to know that Pyro was trying to hide something.

"Sorry Runt." He grabbed the newly legal pyromaniac and slung him over his shoulder. "Whatever it is you're tryin' ta hide, we'll find out anyway."

Pyro whimpered as Sabretooth followed the other two into the living area of the base.

"What… the…"

"My walls!" Sabretooth dropped St. John to the ground and rushed over to inspect the damage to the walls he worked hard to keep clean. "What did you do?!"

Pyro tried to escape notice by edging towards the nearest door, which happened to be the kitchen. He pushed the door open and took one step before he came face to face with Mastermind duct-taped to the wall. He glared at Pyro. His eyes would have conveyed their message clearly even if he hadn't been mentally yelling at Pyro the whole time.

"Oh yeah," he said sheepishly. "Forgot about that trap."

Mastermind glared. /If you don't get me down from here I will give you nightmares for the rest of your life, understand? And I know your biggest fears./

"All right, all right, fine." He began untaping the psychic from the wall. He was working on the tape on his arms when he heard the varied yells of anger from the others, mostly promising him pain. He took off running, yelling to Jason as he did. "Hey, you can get the rest, right?"

(o.o.o)

I ended up sleeping in a tree that night. Let me tell you, I have no idea how Sab's does it all the time. Maybe it's a cat thing. Anyway, I didn't get much sleep and I had a whole lot of time to think through the situation, and you know what?

I felt really bad about all my pranks after the party. I mean, the others were busy trying to make sure that I enjoyed my birthday and I just pulled some petty pranks. And all because they wanted to spend time away from me.

Anyway, I finally convinced them of what happened and they managed to forgive me. I have some great friends.

(o.o.o)

Three months later…

"Hey guys, I finally got my film developed from the party last March!"

Pyro came in through the front door waving the Wal-Mart envelope in his hand. The others, who were sitting around the living room watching, of all things, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, looked around at him.

"I thought you guys didn't like this movie?"

"It ain't so bad if you ain't sitting there sayin' there lines before 'em."

"Oh. Um… Anyway, I finally developed my pictures from the party. Here, have a look."

He handed them the pictures. They took them and looked through them.

"Wait, Pyro, this one isn't from the party. It's from that picnic we all went on."

"Yeah, why did we go on that thing, anyway?"

"Something about Wanda being really depressed and getting a huge cut in our salaries if we didn't go along with it."

"Oh, that's right. Ack! Veronica!"

They all yelped as Pyro's pet ferret jumped onto the table and grabbed one of the sandwiches. She ran off and they ran after her. The picture in their hands fluttered to the floor. Pyro stopped and picked it up and looked at it.

They were all sitting around the fountain in the park. Toad and Pietro had teamed up to try pushing a water-phobic Sabretooth into the fountain, but the effect was akin to a leaf in a snowstorm. Wanda and Pietro were sitting on the edge of the fountain, trying to avoid the fight. Lance, Fred and Gambit were standing off to the side, calling advice to their favorite side. Mastermind and Magneto could be seen at a hotdog stand a little ways away. Magneto looked appalled, probably at the contents of the hotdog that Mastermind was getting from the vendor. Pyro, who had taken the picture, was leaning so that he was just on the edge and flashing a thumbs-up at the group.

Pyro grinned. His friends were great.

"Pyro, come help us catch this blasted weasel of yours!"

Pyro dropped the picture onto the table and ran off after them.

"Veronica is not a weasel, she's a ferret!"

(o.o.o)

A/N- So yeah, that was the end. The story's over. Um, except for the Interlude type thing that's coming in a bit. And Veronica is the ferret that Pyro put into Magneto's room earlier. He managed to convince Mags to let him keep it.

Whoo, I am glad to be done with this story. It was fun, and a great run, but I'm glad it's over. Now, the next two stories to come out will be called, When the Doctor Met Jack (Torchwood oneshot) and The Fears of Pietro (Evo oneshot). They'll come out during the waiting period for the vote on the next story. Just something to keep me occupied. The polls will officially close on April 10, 2008, and then I will post either The Problem With Parents or Adventures on Ploog. But you should vote, because I'm very disappointed in the voter response so far.

(1) The Spinach Inquisition, from a Codename: Kids Next Door episode.

(2) From the Monk episode Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas

(3) Form some episode of Family Guy

(4) Sittin' Up With the Dead, by Ray Stevens

(5) I have no idea the name of this song or the artist. Someone tell me so I can disclaim it properly.

The werewolf, whose name is Colby by the way, can be found pictured at my deviantART account (link in profile), along with a picture of Snap and of Ace.

Okay now, ta!

And review!

And vote!