Brittany irritated me. I was okay wallowing in my pit of misery. It was a familiar and comfortable place. I could be angry and sarcastic and nobody could say a word about it. And while my years in remission had me hoping for a normal life, it was surprisingly easy to crawl back into that same hole where I spent most of my high school years. I was back to hating the world again and I liked it. If you could just sit back and spend your days judging people without having to suffer the consequences, I mean, who wouldn't?
But here was Brittany - Brittany who would flit around with sparkling eyes and not a trace of resentment to the world that had dealt her such a cruel set of cards. It was difficult - impossible - to be miserable around Brittany. Even the first day that I met her, I couldn't help but smile just watching her. Brittany took me into her world and made me forget that I was sick. She had me on a high that was better than any of the times I tricked the nurses into giving me extra morphine. It was a relief like I had never experienced in my life. But that instant when I would remember that there was more to worry about than the moment, the instant when all of my fears would come rushing back - there's nothing in this world more painful. I wanted my misery. I had a right to my misery. At least there was consistency in that.
Irritated - that's how I found myself halfway through my first encounter with Brittany. Her wheelchair racing antics had me smiling for a moment, but then I remembered the bone marrow aspiration I had scheduled for this evening. I was back to pissed off.
"Would you mind toning the screaming down like a few hundred decibels? I was in the middle of a nap." Even a beautiful girl couldn't turn me polite on a day like today.
Brittany didn't seem to catch the severity of my tone. "Oh, are you a patient here? Me too! I'm so glad there's going to be someone else my age around, especially since Mike here is going to be leaving soon." She pointed to her partner-in-crime.
"Yea, I'm finally going into remission. But, don't worry Brittany, I'll be back to visit you all the time," Mike said, smiling broadly. I really should've just put in some ear plugs and never investigated the screaming at all. I've never had the maturity to be happy for the patients getting better when I was getting worse.
I threw my hands in the air in mock celebration. I was feeling a little bit dramatic. "Well, whoop-de freakin' do. As fun as this has been, in just a few short hours somebody with a very large needle will be sucking bone marrow out of me. So if you don't mind, I'm going to go trolling for sleep meds and hope that I wake up, like, a year from now."
In what felt like seconds later, I was gently shoken awake by none other than nurse Holly Holiday. I guess they had learned by then that she was the only one who I wouldn't spit death threats at for waking me up.
"Brittany from next door told me to say good luck to you from her."
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously? Ugh. She's really in the next room? I can't handle her sunshine."
Holly laughed as she began to take my vitals and get me ready for the procedure. "When I talked to her, she said you two really hit it off. I'm pretty sure she's planning on making you her new best friend."
"Has she replaced me as your favorite? And, seriously, my encounter with her consisted of me throwing some snark and going back to my nap." I couldn't even begin to fathom how that girl construed our introduction as "hitting it off."
"It's pretty hard to take down Brittany. And you know you'll always be my favorite. I'd like to think that I practically raised you, baby girl. But if anyone could find a way to crush Brittany's spirit, it would definitely be you. Try to avoid that if you can. Everyone around here pretty much loves her. Besides, I think she'll be good for you. She's the one that picked out that duck pinata, and that seemed to do you some good. Just don't tell her that you destroyed it. She kind of has a thing for ducks. You should try to play nice, you can't just stay holed up in this room until you get better."
"If I get better," I replied complete with an exaggerated eyeroll.
Holly was suddenly serious. She stopped her preparations to shake her head at me. "Uh-uh. You've used up your self-pity quota for the day. I'm gonna take you down the procedure room, okay"
As far as procedures go, bone marrow aspirations are pretty quick and relatively pain-free. This was just a warm-up. An annoyance. The worst was yet to come. When it was over and I was back in my room watching mindless reality television, I was finally as content as was possible. Tomorrow, things would get real. My father would come in with ten other doctors to explain the treatment plan and tell me just how bad things were going to get. But for now, things were okay.
Soft knocking at the door took me from my thoughts. It was weird - Holly never knocked and the doctors were done with their final rounds for the night. I opened to door to find Brittany - should've known. She was wearing duck-printed boxers and a loose tank top. That girl really did love ducks.
My displeasure at having to get up must have been evident. I could see her bright smile drop just a little bit when she saw me.
Her voice was soft, not bright and loud like earlier today. "Oh - I didn't mean to wake you up. I just wanted to make sure your procedure went okay..."
"Yea, it went fine. I'm just exhausted, though. Long day," I replied, gently. As much as I wanted to be mean, with the look on Brittany's face I just couldn't.
"Oh, okay well I was going to see if you wanted to hang out, but I guess not. I just got a refill on my medical marijuana prescription, but Mike's gone now and it's no fun to do alone. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow or something. " I realized she was holding a bag of chocolate-chip cookies - pot cookies.
That certainly got my attention. I grabbed her arm as she turned to leave. "Brittany, wait. I am tired, but I was going to maybe watch a little TV before I fall asleep. Wanna join?" I had a distinct feeling that I was going to regret inviting her in, but the allure of being stoned for a few hours was too much to resist. For my father, medical marijuana falls under the category of "cooky medicine." He's a very traditonal man, so this was a luxury of being sick I had yet to experience. Of course, getting pot in college when I wasn't sick was pretty easy. However, inside the walls of that hospital where people shudder at name Dr. Lopez, procuring a prescription from any of the other doctors was nearly impossible.
Brittany smiled and pushed her way into my room. "Wow, you definitely have the best room in this hospital."
"Yeah, my dad is the chief of staff here. I guess that has it's perks sometimes."
After she had a good look around the room, Brittany climbed onto the bed and started bouncing around on it. Seriously, how was this girl even sick? I had to admit she was pretty cute. She moved with grace - even when she was being silly.
"These blankets are really soft," she giggled, rolling around in them. She paused for a moment and bit her lip, looking just a little bit guilty. "I may have gotten a head start on you. Here." She tossed me a cookie. One bite and I was in heaven. I was going to have to keep this girl around, if only for this.
"Oh my god, did you make these? This might be the best thing I've ever tasted."
She didn't seem suprised by the compliment. "Yeah, I'm awesome at baking with this stuff. I can make pretty much anything with it. Careful though, this batch is pretty strong." She curled up on the far side of the bed and buried her face into the pillows. "What do you want to watch?"
"Well, that's good. Strong is what I need right now," I said, settling down next to her. I grabbed another cookie. I needed this to kick in fast. "You mind if I pop in some Sweet Valley High? I always watch that when I want to escape the world."
She looked at me with a slightly confused expression. "I've never seen it."
"Well, that's a crime. If you don't like it, I don't think we can be friends." Wait, when did we start becoming friends? I decided not to worry about it for the time being and went for another cookie.
I felt her hand stop me before I could get to my prize. She was smirking at me as she said, "Hey there now. We have to save some for later. I promised I'd sneak some up to my friend on the sixth floor tomorrow."
"The sixth floor? Isn't that the psych ward?" When I was little, that floor was strictly off-limits for me.
Brittany nodded. "Yeah, my friend Quinn is up there. Don't worry, she's not that crazy."
I was a little bit skeptical. They only take the real head-cases for long-term care, but I'd deal with that tomorrow. I couldn't remember feeling this content since I had gotten the news that the cancer was back. In fact, I couldn't feel much of anything. I turned to the TV and let myself get wrapped up in the petty problems of the show's characters. It was beautiful numbness.
When Brittany curled into my side, I watched her blue eyes glaze over as she laughed at the screen. She would laugh at the most random of moments - not even when the show was supposed to be funny. Most of the time I wasn't even sure what she was laughing at, but I could feel the vibration of her laughter against my chest and I couldn't help but laugh too. Eventually, when the high really started to kick in, I felt myself being pulled deeper and deeper into the bed. I let my head drop to her shoulder and allowed the hum of her laughter draw me into a heavy, dreamless sleep.