Hi! Sorry it's taken a bit longer than usual. Hey! I got a new job and I got promoted before I even start it. heh. I'm so happy, but it's been a few crazy weeks and the craziness will only increase soon. I'm starting next Monday, so I'll try to post something by then.
Big big thanks to Keri who unclutted my clusterfuck. I love you baby, and I'll never fire you. pff. Also big thanks to the other K in my life, Kristen, who's awesome and supports me.
So, I'm not gonna go on and on here, but please, take some time to read the endnote. It's really important to me that you do.
playlist - http:/www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=kBtBfGxNqpY&feature=BFp&list=PLF9712A4E8F8DE2C4
Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby
[Verse 2:]
Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that
Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
(Britney Spears - Someday (I Will Understand)
[youtube=.com/watch?v=kBtBfGxNqpY&feature=BFp&list=PLF9712A4E8F8DE2C4]
November 19th
SPOV
The past two weeks had been hectic to say the least. Pam dragged me around half the country for book signings. It was exhausting, but at least the book was selling well. Being away from Eric had been the hardest thing, since we hadn't been apart since I moved in with him. Even before that, when we were just friends, I saw him all the time.
We spoke on the phone, sure, but it just wasn't the same. We fell asleep talking most nights I was away, sleeping on my own in some random hotel.
Spending my time with Pam had been fun. I loved her like a sister and she was very entertaining. Her ironic/sarcastic/eye-rolling character had been exactly what I needed to deal with the time away from Eric. She made it easier for me to go through the days and nights spent without him. She missed Stan as well, but in the many years they'd been together it wasn't the first time she had to leave home for weeks at a time.
"It's never easy, but at least you know what to expect," she had told me on the third night we were away from our boys.
Book signing was fun and it was nice to meet people who got excited over the little they'd read or even over the entire book, if they'd had the time to go through it all. I got asked who was my inspiration, what would happen to the characters, was it me on the cover? Did I know the man on the cover? All that, and a million other questions I refused to answer completely. It added to the mystery, Pam had said, so I kept hush-hush on most questions, while still giving them something to hold onto.
It excited me to see such a response for my book and it made me eager for Eric and the book he had finally started writing. He hadn't said much about it until now and I was giving him the space he needed. I knew how much I hated having someone reading over my shoulder and I certainly didn't want to pressure him into revealing too much. He'd do it when he felt ready and when he was content enough with what he'd written.
On my way home I stopped by the doctor's office. I had agreed with Eric that afterward, I'd head straight home and wait until he got there so I wouldn't have to stop at the café, with all the baggage I was carrying. Claudine, my OBGYN was waiting for me. I had been meaning to make an appointment for some time, but didn't have time to get it in.
"Hey, Sookie," she greeted me and kissed my cheeks.
"Hey, Claudine. Sorry I didn't call. I've been busy, you won't believe it!" I told her.
"Oh, I know," she smiled and pulled out a book. My book.
"You didn't have to buy it… I wanted to give it to you as a gift," I said, disappointed she ruined my surprise.
"Nonsense. Here, sign it for me," she said and pushed it forward.
"My pleasure," I smiled and did as she asked.
"I hear you dumped Bill, and you and Eric finally saw the light," she chuckled.
Claudine was a good friend of Lafayette's, so of course she'd heard all the gossip. We'd gone out a few times, but it had been awhile.
"Yep. Approve?"
"Very much so! Now get naked and on the table," she laughed.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied and shimmied out of my jeans, got on the table and put my legs on the metal stirrups. Uncomfortable, but necessary.
She poked and probed me, taking samples for the analysis. She had me move on another table for an ultrasound as she said it's been awhile since she checked me. She spread the gel over my lower abdomen and started moving the device around, as she looked at the screen.
She frowned and pressed the wand down a little harder.
"Something wrong?"
"How close to your period are you?"
"Ehm, in the middle. Ten days or so. Why?"
"Because I see something that shouldn't be here, and since you're not close to your period, it can't be from that. Would you mind if we did a transvaginal ultrasound? I want a closer look," she asked.
"Sure, whatever you need. What do you think it is?" I asked her, positively spooked.
"I don't know. Let me take a look first," she said and smiled reassuringly.
She made me spread my legs further and introduced the little camera. She poked and probed and moved it around, which was quite uncomfortable. The finally took it out after taking some pictures and told me to get dressed.
"Sookie, have you ever had a normal cycle?"
"Well, yeah, now that I'm on the pills, but not before. Why?"
"Because, according to my count, you have something called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome."
"What's that?" I asked, worried, while buttoning my jeans.
"Take a seat," she said, sorrow on her features. "It means that you might not be able to have kids, Sookie."
"What?"
"This syndrome… no one knows where one gets it, they assume it's genetics, but they're not sure. Basically, there's no ovulation, because your egg doesn't travel down to your uterus, it sticks to the ovary once it's out and so it creates these cysts here," she said, pointing to the pictures. "There's quite a lot of them and I want to switch your pills to see if we can make them go away."
"Will they make me better?"
"Temporarily. Unfortunately, it's not something we can cure. We can only help keep you stable. You need to start working out more and eat balanced meals because there's more risk for diabetes and obesity. I want to run some hormonal tests as well."
"So, I can't get pregnant?" I asked, nearly in tears.
"You can, but not as easy as the next person. You could get pregnant on your own if you switch to another set of pills. They pretty much work the same as birth control but without the protection. They regulate your cycles. This could help you get pregnant on your own. There's also some other pills I could give you to make you more fertile, but these are the only non-intrusive ways. If you can't get pregnant like this, then there an operation we can do to practically pop a corner of one of your ovaries, but the chances for twins and triplets are pretty big. There's also in-vitro," she said and I remained silent.
"Sookie, look at me. Just because it might take a while or some effort, it doesn't mean it's not possible, ok? Did you and Eric already have plans?" she asked.
"Yeah. We… we even bought a nursery for whenever it happened. This is it. He's it. I don't know when, but I want to give him babies. I don't even know what to say," I told her and felt like I was going to start crying soon.
"How about you switch your pills after your next period, then you can come in after a month and we'll see if it's better. You should discuss it with Eric and tell me if you want to quit the BC and start the treatments or you want to wait some more. Give me a call when you decide on anything, ok?"
"Sure," I said and got up to leave. She led me to the door and we hugged goodbye.
I have no idea how I got home that evening, the drive there a complete blur. I parked the car in the driveway and went inside. Our home was so beautiful and I sighed happily that I was back. I went upstairs to take a bath, feeling nasty after the appointment, but never even got past the door to the bedroom. I slumped down by the door to the room across from ours and started crying. What if…
EPOV
Sookie wasn't answering her phone, but I simply assumed she was in the shower. With Compton and Yvetta in prison, I wasn't worried anything had happened to her. Her car was still warm when I got home and I could see the lights were on.
"Sookie!" I called out as I got in and closed the door behind me.
There was no answer so I went upstairs. She was curled near the door to our bedroom, tears rolling down her cheeks. I ran to her and scooped her up.
"Lover, what is it? Are you hurt? Did something happen?"
"Eric!" she cried and wrapped her arms around my neck, clinging to me.
"Shhhh. What is it? Talk to me," I told her, caressing her hair and back as I held her, carrying her to our bed.
"I went to see Claudine. She did some ultrasounds. There's a chance I can't get pregnant," she said and I felt like my world stopped.
"I'm sure there's something that can be done. Relax and tell me everything," I told her and settled next to her on the bed as she explained everything.
"But there's still a chance you can get pregnant, Lover, Claudine said so," I told her after she finished her story, ten minutes later.
"Yeah, but what if it doesn't work? I'll have to have surgery. Or in-vitro… that's expensive."
"And we can afford it. If it comes to that, I'll make anything, pay anything to give you this, ok?" I asked her, needing to see her smile.
She sniffled and cupped my face.
"You're so good to me," she said and offered me half a smile.
"Sookie, I'd do anything for you. Never doubt that. Now you need to relax, because if you get stressed it won't help with anything. Nothing's changed. It might be a bit harder, but we'll manage, ok?"
"Ok," she smiled and kissed me softly.
"I understand that you're troubled by the thought that you'd never be able to mother a child, but you make it seem so urgent all of a sudden. Do you want to start our family?" I asked her softly. I needed to know where she stood on the matter and if she wanted it as much as I did.
"I… I guess I do. I didn't even realize how much I wanted to have your kids until Claudine told me about this weird syndrome. Yes. I want to start our family. I want to start our lives together," she said with conviction, radiating, earlier troubles forgotten.
"Even if we're not married?" I asked her just as softly as I asked the previous question. The idea had been tossing and turning through my head, but I didn't want to scare her away.
"I don't care if we're married or not. I love you the same with or without that piece of paper, Eric."
"But you wouldn't be opposed to the idea…" I pressed. I had to know. My stomach was in knots.
She pulled her head away to look at me better, studying my face.
"Are you… are you asking me, Eric?" she said, her voice trembling.
"Would you be against it if I were?"
"How could I say no to you?" she asked, her hand cupping my cheek once more.
"I promise you this Sookie Stackhouse, soon, I am going to ask you. But it's going to be perfect, just like you. It's going to be the way you deserve it, because you deserve nothing less," I vowed to her, my voice coming out strong.
"Eric, I don't need anything fancy. I'd say yes to you even if you proposed to me in your underwear, with the words written on a scrap of paper and a Ring Pop in your hand," she laughed and I had to laugh at the image she created.
"Well, you'll certainly don't have anything to worry about in that department," I told her as I rolled on top of her.
"Mmm, I know a lot of departments where I don't need to worry with you," she said, biting her lip.
I leaned forward and caught the lip she was biting, sucking it between my own, releasing it only to lick it, asking for permission. She pulled me closer and kissed me. I could feel her love and passion and her worries slipping away as my hands started traveling her body. Her back arched, pressing her chest into mine when my kisses found her neck.
"Please," she breathed out and I traveled down her cleavage to kiss her perfect twins. I raised myself on my knees and took of her shirt. It had been too long. Nearly two weeks without seeing her, without having her had been too much.
"I need you so much, Lover," I told her as I took off her bra and captured her aroused nipple between my lips.
She arched into my touch and her hands found the edge of my own shirt, pulling at it, demanding to free me from my clothes as well. I obliged her and helped her undress me before pulling at her jeans. Popping open the button, unzipping her and plunging my hand between her legs, eager to feel her. Not caring her jeans were still on, always amazed by how she responded to me. Sookie spread her legs open for me and started grinding on my hand. She was soaking wet.
Her eyes flew open.
"Fuck!" she yelled and pulled my hand away.
"What?" I asked confused.
"I didn't get a chance to shower when I came home. I'm covered in the gel from the exam!" she said. I scooped her up and carried her to the bathroom, turning the water on in the shower.
"Fine, let's clean up before getting dirty," I told her and wiggled my eyebrows, making her laugh.
I bent down to kiss her and pushed her pants and underwear down her legs. She fumbled with my belt, flicked open my zipper and pushed her hand in my pants, grasping me. I moaned into the kiss and pulled her closer, kneading her ass.
She released me and pushed my jeans down my legs before stepping under the warm water. I followed her and pushed her into the shower wall, closing the door behind me. I kissed her as my hands found her hips, bringing our sexes closer. She moaned and pushed away from me. I grabbed the shower gel and poured some in my hands. My palms made out the contour of her breasts, massaging them gently, then lowered to her abdomen, rubbing her skin, before dipping between her legs, caressing her folds. She moaned and grabbed for my shoulders as her knees buckled.
I spread her lips and touched her gently, drawing circles around her clit, before diving further, delving into her. Her breath came out in pants as I pumped two fingers in and out of her. I took the shower head and spread water over her body, before kneeling. I turned it towards her sex and let the water hit her sensitive skin, cleaning her of the soap. Her hands tightened further on my shoulders as I turned the switch for the overhead sprinkler and dropped the shower head in my hand. I hugged her legs and brought her pussy closer to mouth. I licked her skin as I kept pumping her. The second my lips closed around her clit she came screaming my name. Music to my ears.
She pulled at my hair to bring me up and I complied, pulling her closer, kissing her. She hooked her arms around my neck and quickly climbed my body, wrapping her legs around my waist. I stepped forward, slamming her body into the shower wall and grabbing her hips, positioning my cock and sliding home.
Her eyes rolled in the back of her head and I groaned at finally having her after two weeks. My mouth found hers and I kissed her deeply as I started moving inside her. A flurry of emotions filled me and I felt overwhelmed. By her, by us, by our love. She clawed at my back, kissed and bit my neck as I slammed in her over and over again.
"Fuck, Lover, come with me," I commanded and I pinched her clit with two fingers.
Her pussy started contracting around me, milking my orgasm. I saw stars behind my eyelids and my body slumped forward, pinning her to the wall. We stood there, under the spray, breathing heavy, enjoying the aftershocks of our orgasms. She peppered my neck with kisses. I straightened up and pulled out, putting her down. Her knees wobbled as her feet hit the ground. We washed each other in silence and I wrapped her in a fluffy towel before getting one for myself.
We settled into bed, facing each other.
"I love you so much. I'd do anything for you," she said and my heart hammered in my chest. I could be with her for 20 years and I'd still feel like a teenager.
"You're my world, Sookie. I can't wait for you to see my homeland and know that part of my life as well," I declared, excited about the incoming trip.
"I can't wait either. It's going to be the best holiday in the world, because I'm finally spending it with my you," she said and kissed me softly.
"That you are, Lover. I plan on making it the most beautiful vacation ever. Anything in particular you want to see?"
"I just want you to show me around, the places where you traveled with your family, your old house, your favorite spots, where your dad proposed to your mom, things that matter to you."
"Then that is what we'll be doing," I agreed.
"I wish we could leave earlier," she sighed.
"We both have obligations, Lover, but we can always go back," I told her.
"True," she said and fell silent, daydreaming of our trip.
"So…" I trailed.
"What?"
"Do you want to quit the birth control?" I asked directly.
"Yeah. I'll call Claudine so she can tell me which pills to take instead of the these. If you want it, too, I mean..."
"Of course I do. You also said something about fertility pills?"
"I'll ask for those as well. I can only start them after my next period," she said and flushed a bit. Here we were, talking about making a baby and she was getting embarrassed by her period. I rolled my eyes a bit at her reaction and leaned in to kiss her.
"Then that's when we're gonna start trying," I wiggled my brows at her.
"Hmm, I'm going to need icepacks, aren't I?" she half-joked.
"I'm fairly certain you will not need them if you never leave the bed," I said, rolling on top of her once more.
So, if you were wondering, yes I have PCOS. It's something that I always had and didn't know about it. I was devastated when I found out, three years ago, that I might never have children of my own. After going through a minor depression I realized I still had options. The things I wrote there are all real, so there are opportunities if you know where to seek. Some women get pregnant easily even with PCOS, but some try for years.
What I'm trying to do with this chapter is make you aware that this syndrome is out there and it affects about 5% of women, but there are still no solid researches on it. It's a bit on the guess and try basis. So, if you've had problems with your monthly cycles, go check a doctor. Go see an endocrionologist, that's how I found out. There are some hormone levels that give the syndrome away. Or you can see an OBGYN, but see a good one. Microcysts are barely seen in normal ultrasounds, so check to see if the doc has a powerful machine or request a transvaginal ultrasound. Uncomfortable but necesary if you think there's a chance you have it. A doctor should ask for both bloodwork and the ultrasound results before slamming the diagnosis in your face. There are so many side effects of this stupid syndrome that you need to find out so you can keep it under control.
*spreads hugs all over*
xoxo
Gaby