So finally, our Hamsters have arrived, and they're ready, because our next event is Car Ice Hockey. Now, we'll fast forward to the final, but we'll give you a little recap:
There were five prelims:
Italy (Fiat 500 Abarth) vs. South Africa (Suzuki Swift Sport) (South Africa won),
New Zealand (Peugeot 207 GTi) vs. France (Renault Twingo RS) (New Zealand won),
Australia (Vauxhall Corsa VXR) vs. Argentina (Chevrolet Sonic Z-Spec) (Argentina won)
Wales (SEAT Ibiza Cupra) vs. Ireland (VW Golf GTI) (Ireland won)
England (MINI Cooper S) vs. Scotland (Citroën DS3-R) (England won)
three semi-finals:
England vs. South Africa (England won – just)
Ireland vs. Argentina (Argentina won)
New Zealand vs. Argentina (New Zealand won)
one 3rd-place three-way match:
Ireland vs. Argentina vs. South Africa (South Africa won)
And now the final, which is England vs. New Zealand. So, let's begin – but first, the anthems.
New Zealand: "God Defend New Zealand"
E Ihowā Atua,
O ngā iwi mātou rā
Āta whakarangona;
Me aroha noa
Kia hua ko te pai;
Kia tau tō atawhai;
Manaakitia mai
Aotearoa.
God of Nations at Thy feet,
In the bonds of love we meet,
Hear our voices, we entreat,
God defend our free land.
Guard Pacific's triple star
From the shafts of strife and war,
Make her praises heard afar,
God defend New Zealand.
England: "God Save the Queen"
God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious
Happy and glorious
Long to reign over us
God save the Queen!
"I declare the "Top Gear Winter Olympics Suzuki Swift Car/Ice Hockey Cha" final... open!" our referee, Jeremy Clarkson, announced. Yep, this is it. These are the cars – 5 Peugeot 207 GTi's for the Kiwis, and 5 MINI Cooper S's for us, in which only two of each (from each team) are piloted by local rally drivers. Jeff and I were team captains in the #1 cars, the Hamsters in the #2 cars, the Captain Slows in the #3 cars, and Mr. Clarkson (had you been paying attention,) is the ref. And so, with the stand literally packed to the rafters, the anthems ("God Defend New Zealand" for the All-Blacks, "God Save the Queen" for the Three Lions) played, and the giant puck in place, we were ready for the off.
"OK! The black team captained by Jeff Henderson, that's New Zealand," Clarkson declared. "The red team captained by James Phillip Schofield Eligino, that's England, are we ready?" Jeremy sounded the air horn, and we were off. Both our teams were making attacks and defending very well, but within the first minute, the England #4 scored! "Goal! Goal!"
"Is it a 'goal' in ice hockey?" I wondered, then realized, "Yeah, it is!"
Clarkson sounded the horn, and game play resumed once again. The last time we did this with the Toyota Aygos in Car Football, there were a lot of crashes. This time, it's much safer. Anyway, back to the game.
Despite Jeff's previous match against France and his best football clichés...
"Oh, Jess's up like a salmon!" he said, surprised. "We're in on a goal run, it's the old one-two!"
...the All-Blacks were all over the place, as Jessica demonstrated when Jamiebel bumped her wide of the goal. Meanwhile, the Three Lions were on fire, and despite an obviously biased ref...
"Go on, Jeff!" Clarkson cheered, when Jeff went for goal. "Go on man, you've got it!" He missed, and Jay-bee bagged home goal 2... "Goal!" ...and Dee-jae, goal 3, in rapid succession.
"Who's All-Black now then, boys?" Davina whooped.
Yes, the All-Blacks were being trounced, and when New Zealand #5 scored...
"Yeah!" Jessica exclaimed.
...guess who was otherwise engaged. Yes, all in all, the ref's grasp of the game was poor.
"Why has that happened?" Jeremy asked, on New Zealand #4 getting their tire stuck. "And why haven't you scored?"
"We have scored," Jessica argued.
"Well, I haven't seen it."
"We just scored there! Who's the referee?"
"I fell over a bit."
"You missed the goal?" Jamiebel asked.
"I missed the goal."
"So, if you didn't see it, it's not a goal?"
"Are you prepared to accept my word, as a Top Gear presenter, that New Zealand scored a superb goal?"
"Yes, I am!"
"Good, thank you!"
"Oh, come on!"
Sorry, Jay-bee – the All-Blacks got the goal; you saw it. But still, the Three Lions were still 2 goals ahead, and the ref didn't like that.
"Why'd you...?" Jay-bee complained.
"It's in the middle!" Jeremy clarified.
Back to the game. Thanks to puck placement, Jeff took immediate advantage and scored another goal for the All-Blacks. And with the horn broken, Jeremy decided to improvise... using his voice.
"He's great, isn't he? Give him a megaphone, he's happy!" Jessica noted, laughing.
However, moments later, Jeff crashed into his own man, leaving his goal wide open for me, thanks to some help from Davina.
"Yeah-ha-ha!" I excitedly laughed.
Anyway, after that, the match really did hot up...for most people, anyway. And it took us a while, but...
"Oh, no, he got Jim's [goal]!" Jeff groaned.
"Bloody hell, Jeff," I casually replied. Chalk up a brace for me, and another goal for the Three Lions, making the score...
"Is that 5-2? 5-3?" Jeremy confusedly announced. "What is it?" OK – to make sure it was 5-3, we let Kayla score a goal. Now, back to the game. As it entered its final stages, the violence reached proper ice-hockey levels. And soon enough... "Upside down!" Yes, one of our players rolled his car over. And once we rolled it back up...
"Do you have a vacuum cleaner?" he asked.
"A vacuum cleaner?" Jeremy repeated.
"Yes, to clean the seats."
"Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner? No!"
England #5 was out of action, but the Kiwis' joy was short-lived.
"There's a spare car – we're writing #5 on it, as we speak; back in business with 90 seconds of play left!" Jeremy declared.
"Whose side are you on?" Kayla asked.
"I am totally impartial on giving you every possible opportunity. You've just let me down."
"Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals, whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar!"
"That was my wife," noted one of the players.
"It's his wife," Davina agreed.
"Yes, it was your wife," Jeremy added.
The game resumed once again, this time, with the violence cranked up to 11. And during that time, Jamiebel accidentally (yet very accurately) took out Jeff.
"Jay-bee, in the sin bin!" Jeremy announced.
"I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?" Jamiebel groused.
"Go on ITV, you go in the sin bin. It's that simple."
With Jamiebel shackled, the All-Blacks bought the scores to 5-4, thanks to Kayla again.
"Oh, come on, ref!" she pleaded.
"Jay-bee, you may rejoin..." Clarkson declared. When she drove back in... " ...and that's the end of the game, everybody!"
No matter – England won the tournament, which meant for the Kiwis, there could only be one post-match drink...golden snow.
"So how was the snow?" Chelsea asked.
"It was golden," Jeff groused.
"Yes!" Jamiebel laughed, giving back her helmet to Davina. "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do that, and with that, I must get back to the world of live entertainment."
"I wouldn't if I were you, Jay-bee," Crystal warned. "'Cause of what we're doing next."
"Which is?"
"That," JT and I answered, pointing at the ski slopes.
"Oh, you are joking," Jessica chuckled.
"I am staying!" Jamiebel exclaimed, taking back her helmet.