i.
today i found out about romano
about lovino
nononononopleaseno
"suicide" germany had informed me
noitcan'tbeplease
"i'm sorry."
no.
please
tell
me
it's
a
lie
ii.
i think that
when he died,
he took me with him.
he must have.
because
when he died
i died, too.
my body was dead
but my soul,
my mind,
was as lost
as my sweetdearlovelydead lovino.
iii.
it must have been my fault.
i had mistaken him for his brother, oncetwicethree times.
and lovino hated that.
it must have been my fault
the two might look alike
but there were (are because he can't be gone, he can't he can't he can't) differences.
only a fool could ever confuse the two.
i
am
such
a
fool
it was my fault.
iv.
my world is so plain
so ugly.
white rooms, white furniture, white carpet
whitewallsslowlycavingin
the only beautiful thing in my life
is now gone,
and no amount of alcohol will change that.
the wine bottle slips from my fingers
falls
down
down
down
(falling? like me? because i am falling downdowndown into the darkness)
and
down.
red stains white.
red.
what a pretty colour.
v.
as the shattered glass deliberately
cuts
into
my
skin
i remember.
i remember his scars.
i hadn't said anything then;
i didn't know what to say,
how to say it.
now it is too late.
as the shattered glass deliberately
cuts
into
my
skin
i wonder
will anyone notice my scars
and will they stay silent, too?
vi.
one
two
three
fourfivesixseveneightnineten
each fresh cut
bleeds
for
him.
vii.
i wonder
that day when he smiled for me,
when he had been acting so unlike himself,
had been acting like his brother,
had that been for me?
but oh no
my sweetdearlovelydead lovino
you didn't have to do all that
you
being you
was all that it took for me to be happy.
why didn't i ever tell you that?
why didn't i realize that you need to be told that sooner?
why?
viii.
codeine
morphine
oxycodone
methadone
acetaminophene
none of it is enough
to kill this pain.
ix.
dios te salve, maría, llena eres de gracia,
el señor es contigo.
bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres,
y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús.
santa maría, madre de dios,
ruega por nosotros, pecadores,
ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte.
ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte.
ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte.
en la hora de nuestra muerte.
nuestra muerte
mi muerte
….
amen.
x.
today
i was with lovino again.
today
i died.
note: i decided to make spain's response to both this story and my other story, m o r t e
in section ix, the prayer is the hail mary prayer in spanish:
"hail mary, full of grace,
our lord is with thee.
blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, jesus.
holy mary, mother of god,
pray for us sinners now and in the hour of our death
amen."
spain repeats the line: "in the hour of our death" several times, before switching to "our death," and finally "my death," then closing it with "amen."
i don't pretend to know spanish; i found the spanish version of the prayer online and played with it a bit, thus grammar and vocabulary might be inaccurate. do correct me if i am incorrect, please.
also, i have made a tumblr account where i will be posting my stories, and previews of my future stories, among other things. a link to my account can be found in my profile.
thank you for reading.