Tomoyo's POV
He sat with his back to me, his fingers hovering over the ivory piano keys.
In the open doorway I stood suddenly loosing my nerve. His head turned a fraction my way and I could see the corner of his lip twitch upwards and then resume the melancholy tune he was playing.
I stepped onto the dark brown wooden floor, an echo seemed to boom from it.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in a quiet but stern voice.
At first I didn't think he heard me but he then pressed the pedal on the piano thus, quietening it.
"Syaoran said I was welcome here anytime I wish and besides, it's not like its being used much these days is it?" It was a rhetorical question with an undercurrent insinuation that I chose to ignore.
"I guess not."
He continued to play and every note seemed to tug me nearer to him. I stood over his shoulder like a child who was witnessing something fantastical.
For me, it was something wonderful, a guilty privilege to see Eriol play.
I found myself too weak to stand and so placed myself sitting beside him on the piano stool facing the opposite way. I closed my eyes and felt warm his shoulder brush against mine as he reached for different chords.
"Do you still sing?"
I shook my head both as a reply to his question and to mentally shake out a bad memory.
"While you do have a lovely voice Tomoyo, you must not get carried away with this silly little obsession. What career will you possibly get out of that? Who put all of this in your head? Was it that stupid little piano boy? That boy is no good, poisoning your mind with ridiculous little notions! No my dear, everyone is entitled to have some silly little past time, that's why it's called a hobby!" This, coming from my mother.
I never sang much after she said that. I never saw much of Eriol either. We used to practise together as kids. I guess that's where the attraction for him started and maybe, still lingers.
A soporific atmosphere settled and when I felt at ease I braced myself.
Come on Tomoyo, just say it.
"I'm sorry for slapping you… the other night." I could practically feel his smile beside me.
"Don't worry about it." He said meaning it.
Feeling too comfortable with the situation I became defensive.
"You shouldn't have brought me there though!" I said too harshly for even my liking.
"You wanted to talk." He said not really stirred by my tone.
"So you dragged me into a dark cellar, confined me then kissed me!" I blurted annoyed.
He stopped playing.
His sapphire eyes intense and angered.
I gulped knowing what was to come.
"First of all, it was a storage room, not a cellar, second of all I didn't confine you anywhere, if you recall I welcomed you to leave but you chose not to. Thirdly, as for me kissing you…." He scoffed and glared at the manuscript in front of him. "I'm not even going to entertain your version on that."
He resumed playing but in a more minor depressing key.
I looked at him but he didn't return my gaze, he only frowned at his hands as they flowed angrily over the black and white keys. Now you've done it Tomoyo.
I felt so low, he was right. It was all me. I wanted to talk to him out of pure jealousy of Fanran, I chose to stay with him knowing I could have left, I kissed him… It was all me and here I was, blaming him for it.
"You're right Eriol. I'm sorry," I fixated my eyes onto the floor so as he couldn't see them welling up. "I guess I feel guilty for it… so much so that I want to blame it on you." I felt a tiny metaphorical weight being plucked of my shoulders as I aired my thoughts.
Honesty with myself is something I'm not very used to. Denial however… I'm no stranger to that.
He breathed deeply and nodded understanding of my apology. We sat a while there saying nothing but simply being in each others presence. Only then did I realise how… lonely I was lately.
"Why are you nervous Tomoyo?" He said suddenly. I opened my eyes to woefully discover my fingers playing and picking at the ends of my hair.
"I'm not." I whispered unconvincingly.
"Tell me what's on your mind." He said in a lulling way.
"Too much." I sighed.
"I want to know." A welcoming tone was coherent in his voice.
I don't know if it was the sweet music floating in the air or the fact my head was too exhausted to hold itself up, but either way I rested it against his shoulder,
"Where do I begin?" I laughed, almost bracing myself for the unknown thought that could flow from my mouth. It was him who started me off.
"You've been unhappy a long time, haven't you Tomoyo?" He commented.
There that word was again… unhappy. It seemed to forever float about in the background of my mind.
I sighed and allowed some of my sorrows to fall through my lips. "I guess I have been."
"Why do you think that is?"
I bit my lip. "Because… I'm afraid that I… that I…" I struggled to form words.
"You'll what Tomoyo?"
"That I'm not… good enough… to be married to Syaoran. I'm afraid that he's beginning to realise that too and slowly…draw away from me, hating me."
"Syaoran doesn't hate you Tomoyo."
"He doesn't love me." I blurted.
"I'm sure he does."
"No, he doesn't. Even worse, he's not the man I fell in love with either. I'm scared that… I'm failing him."
"Him, or your mother?" He said more forcefully but trying to keep it under control. Whenever my mother came into the conversation Eriol always tensed. He had a secret hatred for my mother, one of his rare emotions he kept under wraps.
A pain rose from my chest. How could I be saying this? To him of all people? How could it feel…. So natural?
"Both maybe…" I confessed.
"You seemed so happy with him before, why the sudden change of heart?"
"I don't know. So much has changed since we got engaged. It all became so real. I don't know." I said waving my hand to dismiss the topic. He chose not to leave it.
"You're not digging deep enough Tomoyo. Why are you holding back? It's me you're talking to." He said and captured my gaze, begging me to open up to him. It was as if my burden was his and by freeing myself, it would also free him. The pain in my chest rose, almost like my ribcage was closing in, choking my heart.
I glared at the ring. Hating it's heaviness that weighed me down for a long time now.
"What if we're both in denial? What if we can't find the love we initially had for each other? What if I become one of those women trapped in a loveless marriage taking my anger out on the world by criticising others faults because I'm jealous of what they have and what I could have had and have been denied, like… Fanran?" I gasped at this theory.
Me? Like Fanran? Could that happen?
"You will never be like her." Eriol said finally speaking but still analyzing me face, daring me to keep going.
It was like my very inner most thoughts that I didn't even know were there were unfolding, thankful that they were discovered.
"Of course I could be. I'm sure once she was normal, than forced to marry a man who doesn't love her. I could be her Eriol. Or worse, I could be a woman completely dependant on her husband, I'd have to drop my job to take the position of 'trophy wife' where I willingly accept money, clothes and jewellery as substitutes for my husbands genuine love. I'd be constantly and forever obsessed with keeping on top of the social ladder, licking up to rich people who are void of any personality, leeching of them to better my own pathetic life because inside I've allowed myself to become shallow and insecure and self-absorbed just like… my mother."
I began to tremble. This was too much.
"The very thing I never want to be and yet, I am becoming her successor." I said with my voice breaking.
Before I broke completely he pulled me into him and allowed me to cry into his shirt. No! I couldn't be like her could I? I always said I'd rise above that, above the obsession of social class and materialistic happiness. But along the way I've been blind to myself and the world I've allowed myself to become swallowed in.
"I'm so lonely." I said in the meekest voice.
I shook my head and looked down at my engagement finger. "It's all because of this," I said referring to the oversized diamond on my finger. It sparkled at me promising happiness beyond my dreams on a materialistic level.
"Since this ring has been on my finger… it's like society has shunned me. Our high school friends, Takashi, Chiharu, Rika, Naoko… they all hate me. Even Syaoran's family do to some degree! Now I'm in a dead end, I love Syaoran I do! No matter how much he ignores me, or avoids me I can't help it but after all these years want him to be happy. I mean if he weren't surely he'd leave me right? Right! Why would he stay with someone who doesn't make them happy. That would make no sense right! I must be doing something right, right!" I was babbling like mad women.
I didn't even wait for a response before answering my own question.
"No, I'm doing something wrong. Everyone can see that. Rika, Takashi, Naoko…they all know. That's why they hate me."
I was grasping at straws to get Eriol's nod of approval but, I never got it. I received his blank stare.
"That's not true." He said reassuringly placing his hand over mine.
I pulled my hand away and clutched it shaking my head. "No, it is. Sakura's birthday proved it. They didn't want to know me. They avoid me, judge me and worse of all," Tears burned under my eyelids threatening to break my composure.
"Sakura." I quivered. "My best friend… and I've lost her."
"That's not true Tomoyo you haven't lost her. But one day you will." This broke my heart. My posture became crippled and my tears won the battle.
"I know, I know." I said rocking back and forth on the chair with my fingers erratically pulling on my hair; the pain serving as some sort of distraction.
Without warning he grabbed my wrists and shielded my fingers under his palm, preventing me from ripping my hair out. "Why did you do it Tomoyo?" His tone was not very sympathetic. Was he trying to break me?
"I-I don't know." I stuttered with my body trembling. Not out of fear for him, but fear of myself.
"Yes you do! Stop denying this Tomoyo!"
There was no escaping this. It had to come out.
It did.
I told him of my confrontation of my mother, my pathetic excuse. My agreement to something I never foresaw getting out of control this bad.
He listened intently and when I was finished he loosened his grip on my hands.
He was disappointed. I could tell he was expecting an answer that justified me better. But sadly no, I was pathetic.
He processed this in his mind. I couldn't bare the concluding look on his face. The silence around us was painfully long, even the piano seemed to be holding its' breath.
"Eriol," I said placing my hands lightly on his wrists, afraid he would bolt from me. "Please don't hate me. Please, there are enough people who do. I know what I did was wrong but believe me when I say I never foresaw it get this bad! I hate myself for all that's happened and I've tried to cover it up by loving Syaoran as much as anyone could but, now you're back I-"
I didn't know how to finish that sentence.
Now that he's back there was a mental block in my feelings towards Syaoran. It was like my body rejected thinking of Syaoran. To be fair, it was not as if he doting on me in the slightest way. My mind was more occupied with Eriol to a point where Syaoran was rare to be thought of. It was awful and I know it.
He didn't need me to say it. He knew.
I could barely make him out through the puffiness of my swollen eyes. We locked eyes in an intense gaze, exchanging silent messages. This was bad, yet I dared to say what was aching in my mind.
"Do you love me…Eriol?" I held my breath, my heart beating wildly out of control.
Would he reject me, accept me? Faults and all?
I waited in a state of anxiety yearning for an approval or rejection. Worse of all he said nothing, he broke my gaze.
I felt my heart drop to my feet.
Quick as lightning I stood up and bolted from him.
"Just when I think I get you, you turn around and fuck with my head like this!" I fumed extremely pissed off with myself for saying those things. Great, now he knows my pathetic life!
"Tomoyo!" He said suddenly grabbing me by the elbows. "You're wrong, I do… love you but,"
There was the 'but' again…
"You don't love me now, like you did before." I said piecing his thoughts together. No one loves me. I try and change myself to suit the lifestyle of the Li, I try to be perfect to win my mothers approval and yet it makes no difference. Was I so bad that no one could truly love me? Not even Eriol, who wasn't capable of hating anyone apart from my mother didn't want me. Was that it? Was I too much like my mother that he couldn't bring himself to love me anymore?
Gently, he placed his hands on my shoulders; his palms were warm against my skin. "You've changed so much since we were kids. You were once so kind, naive even and now all of this," He said looking around the enormous room.
"It's seemed to be the only thing you want. We both know it isn't. I do love you but you've done a lot of bad things. People have been hurt." I nodded but wishing he would be like a guilty lover and less like a psychiatrist.
"I know." I whispered. "Where does this leave us?" I said determined to come to some sort of agreement between us.
My hands lay on his chest and I swear… I never felt more at ease with anyone in my life. "I don't know." He said. "I didn't plan on this."
"On what?"
"…Falling for you again."
I gasped and my heart fluttered more intensely than Syaoran ever made it. "I thought you said you didn't?"
"I do. But I'm determined to see you happy first." I know I wanted more, but accepted it.
I smiled to hear him say that. "You mean the old me." I said sadly.
"The old you is still in there. You're just hiding it, denying it," We were extremely close once again. The kiss this time was mutual. It was guilty and I was ashamed of myself.
"I meant it when I said it. I want you to be happy."
"Then don't leave me." I said practically begging.
"What about Syaoran?" Concern grew in his eyes. I silenced him with my finger on his parted lips.
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." I said in a trance just wanting him. It was strange, how I could love Syaoran with all my heart and then within the space of twenty minutes…fall deeply and hard for Eriol.
"We can't have an affair Tomoyo. If we are to be together, I want it done right, honestly." He said. At least one of us was talking sense.
"You need to give me some time." I said mentally trying to picture a possible outcome in all of this that would not tear me apart for two different men
"We can make that happen. Mother, Fanran, me…. Anything you want." Sheifa's face flashed before me. The promises, opportunities. Tomoyo Li. Editor in-chief, working for D'maras Lore.
Syaoran… once I thought our love would never diminish or whither. I was not only torn between two men, but between two lifestyles. People would be hurt in both situations.
I just can't seem to do anything right.
As he held me I caught sight of a grand mirror that stood hanging on the wall, reflecting us. Myself looking at me not in disgust, or disappointment of my infidelity or unfaithfulness to my fiancée; but with a strange smile of some comfort.
Was it a sign? Was this supposed to be?
With that my reflection's face turned worried and began to sadly stroke the engagement ring, a mental sign of the predicament I was in.
"Will you love me then? Forever?" I asked to reassure myself.
"I thought I was doing right by leaving you to Syaoran. I wanted to forget you and move on. But now I know that's impossible. As long as you're happy that this is what you want, then I'll never leave you again." He soothed and allowed himself to kiss me again, shunning away my inner woes.
Just as a smile crept on my lips I caught sight of a dark flicker of movement to my left. I broke from our contact immediately with my heart racing.
Was someone there? Were we seen?
"What's wrong Tomoyo?"
Standing facing gap in the door, which I noticed was considerably wider now I began to tremble.
"Tomoyo?" He asked grabbing my shoulders. I couldn't hear him. My thoughts were too much occupied with fear. Maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me but I thought I heard footsteps echoing away from of a person who was now wiser of the 'innocent' Tomoyo.
Was this thing, this beginning of a secret whirlwind romance we just experienced already on the verge of disaster?
There was definitely someone there.
Caught, already…but by whom?
Sakura's POV
We sat in the car park outside the graveyard looking at them.
"I feel like we're intruding on something almost sacred." I said biting my nails in worry.
"Don't be so worried. Syaoran would want us here. He always does." Eriol reassured me.
We were both wearing black; it was kind of custom to do so on the sixth to any one who knew Syaoran's father. The radio was turned on low volume with a lively country song playing in the background.
"Yeah, you're right." I mumbled.
I looked out through the car window over at them.
Under the bleak overcast they stood side by side like six great black pillars guarding the grave of Xiao Lang the first.
Fuutie, Feimei, Yelen, Syaoran, Fanran and Sheifa. There was a certain melancholy atmosphere radiating from the whole graveyard that even people who were there to visit other grave, gave Xiao Lang first priority.
"Eerie isn't it?" Eriol commented reading my thoughts.
"Yeah, and it gets worse every year. It's like he's just died recently or something."
"I'd say a lot has to do with the uncertain cause of his death."
I nodded. I always got the feeling Syaoran was not at peace with his father's death. It was like he'd never be acceptant of it until he had a definite reason why he died.
"Do you think he still feels guilty?" I asked Eriol referring to Syaoran.
"Probably. Syaoran's always been hard on himself. It doesn't help that he was made man of the house at a young enough age."
We continued to watch them mourn in silence. Syaoran's shoulders seemed more sunken than the rest of them; this would hit him hard yet again.
"There will be more mourners later, close friends, distant relatives, work colleagues and much more." I muttered.
Yeah, Xiao Lang was popular alright. The most famous business man in China and Japan, loved by all. He affected everything around him. He could be stern and intimidating at time. But I suppose that what made him a great business man. Though he was not my family, he made me feel that way sometimes. He and my father became good friends a while back and when Xiao Lang was in town they would make a point to meet. He was always so kind to me and I had so much respect for him. So when I found out about his death, I was quite distraught. But that of course is a very pale shadow to how Syaoran felt.
To be made man of the house, yet the youngest of a family of only women was of course difficult. Xiao Lang had big dreams for Syaoran. Their father son relationship was one of the strongest I've ever seen.
With all the success Xiao Lang had, by far his proudest asset was of course, Syaoran. Maybe that's why Syaoran pushed himself beyond his limit to meet the expectations of a dead man. Everything he did was for his father and that I'm convinced was his passion for the Li business.
Yelen raised her head up, a signal that an appropriate amount of mourning has been done. She blessed herself and turned her heel. Her thick glasses shaded her face.
Fanran and Sheifa followed suit. Then shortly after was Feimei, who tugged on Fuutie. Fuutie looked at Syaoran and even though I was a considerable distance away I could tell she was feeling for Syaoran. Poor Fuutie, always mentally feeling the burden of others. She took Syaoran's hand and hugged him briefly before turning to leave.
"Think it's time?" I asked Eriol.
"Yeah." He said.
We stepped out of the car as quietly as possible as to not disturb the peace. With fresh flowers in my arms Eriol and I stood to the side of the graveyard entrance.
Yelen and the five sisters passed us in single file. Yelen, Fanran and Sheifa striding past us without saying anything of course. Feimei and Fuutie slowed down as they neared us.
"We're serving food and tea at the house if you would like to join us later." Feimei said softly, probably not trying to draw the attention of the others. "There are just some family and friends later so you are both more than welcome, being Syaoran's close friends and all." She said.
"Thank you Feimei, we'd love to." I replied. Eriol smiling genuinely.
Fuutie looked as if she would say something but decided last minute to withdraw. I could see tears welling in her eyes. Poor little thing. She was too sensitive for all of this. Her face was pale and sickly. She almost always looked as if she had a huge burden on her shoulders.
They left and we proceeded into the graveyard.
Tomoyo stood a few feet away from Syaoran with her back towards us.
Eriol and I both stopped walking when we reached her, and invisible boundary stopped us from walking any further. It was 'Syaoran's time'
"How is he?" I asked her not keeping my eyes of him.
"I've never seen him this bad." She confessed. "He's getting worse every year."
We stood in silence. I realised then that this was the first time Tomoyo and I spoke since my birthday. Thankfully, there was no awkwardness or any indication that she recalled my birthday. Maybe she did, but chose to say nothing.
She looked so tired. Dark circles coloured her eyes purple and her skin was a pasty grey compared to her naturally glowing complexion. She looked in a trance, not with the current circumstance.
"He won't talk to me. To anyone," She continued. "Maybe you two should try. I don't know what else to say." It was almost a plea.
I could feel Syaoran's anguish. I wanted to leap to him. Hold him and kiss him and tell him it's not his fault. I want him to smile again and to be at peace with himself.
But instead I rooted myself beside his fiancé.
Tomoyo sighed. She needed to sleep; I feared she would collapse of pure exhaustion at any moment.
"I should head back to the house. I have to host for more of his family coming later. Will I see you there?" She asked not sounding genuinely concerned whether I was or not. She just sounded like a CD reciting of lines probably previously primed by Yelen.
"Yeah. We'll see you soon." I responded.
She nodded and slowly, hazily walked away as if she were following a funeral car, carrying in it her happiness.
Eriol and I caught gazes and he nodded. Simultaneously we walked towards Syaoran.
I trembled as we neared him.
He stood looking down at the huge grave with the saddest expression on his face. If we were not in public I would have held his hand. It would no heal the pain, but it would give some comfort I imagine.
"You guys didn't have to come." He said dream like.
"We wanted to pay our respects." Eriol said filling the painful silence.
Like Tomoyo, I didn't know what to say. It was too sensitive of an issue for me to intrude on and yet, I felt like Syaoran needed me.
I lay the flowers on the grave and the three of us mourned in silence.
Syaoran raised his head, signalling and end to that. He sighed loudly and allowed chocolate brown locks to shield his view.
"You look like you need a drink." Eriol said which made Syaoran laugh.
I too smiled to see him happy.
"That sounds like an idea."
"You coming too Sakura?" Eriol asked nudging me.
"Maybe later, I've to check the builders aren't ruining your house." I said and excused myself. I wasn't lying, I genuinely had inner angst that I'd show up there would be nothing left.
I left the two of them to themselves.
As I got in the car I didn't even take note of the black Mercedes pulling up into my former parking space.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Syaoran's POV
I heard the black car hum in the background.
She was waiting.
"I'll catch up with you later Eriol. I'm going to stay a while longer, go on to the house I think Tomoyo is there already."
He nodded with a weird expression on his face. He probably feels sorry for me no doubt.
"You sure?" He asked arching his eyebrow.
"Yeah." I confirmed eager to lose his company just for a while.
He left me to myself and when I could hear the graveyard gate shut, I heard a car door open.
She was wearing heels and they clicked against the ground getting closer and closer to me. I could smell her perfume before she came into my view beside me.
She wore black sunglasses to conceal her face. A suit tailored exactly to her body shape and black dead straight hair shaped her oval face.
She had a professional aura around her, even in a scenario like this.
"Shame we only see each other on occasions like this." She remarked in a deep voice.
"Nice to see you again, Meiling."
She smirked. "Same to you."
"How have you been?" I asked not really concerned with that.
She tore of her glasses to fix a semi-glare at me. "Look Syaoran, you didn't ask me to come all the way to Japan to fake an interest in my life. What's so important that I had to drop everything to see you?"
I wasted no more time and pulled out a tattered brown envelope. It was heavy in my hands. When her eyes fell upon it she sighed, disappointed in my request.
"This again Syaoran?"
"Yeah, I want you to look again, really look. This is the original one this time. I've hid some copies at home but don't lose this one."
For a while she just stared at it unwilling to re-take the challenge. Finally her fingers curled around it and she took it.
"What if I don't find anything?" She asked.
"You're the best lawyer in China, find something. Anything. If you can't, then I'll have to resort to plan B." I said with my gut twitching. I never wanted to resort to that.
"Does Sakura know about this? About what you are doing? She won't approve."
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Believe me, if she knew, it would crush her."
Meiling stared at me puzzled. "Don't under estimate Sakura Syaoran. She might not be so happy with Plan B."
I said nothing but let the wind howl around us.
She won't know. I can't tell Sakura, not unless… I'm forced to….
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
At the same time….
Sakura's POV
Well, the house was still in contact completely with the ground when I pulled into the entrance.
Thank God.
As I walked into the house I couldn't help the petite smile on my face. It was all coming together just as I imagined. The walls were knocked down and the fame of the conservatory was up. Stain glass lay in a small pile to my left. My heart swelled in pride for myself.
Then it sank. This would not be our home. My vision will be the appreciation of another couple.
Or would it?
He promised, he promised we'd be together. Yet, it seemed so much like a fantasy.
"Hey little missy?" Said one of the builders coming towards me.
"Yes?"
"Do you know if there's a step ladder anywhere around here? One of the equipment trucks broke down and it could be a few hours until he arrives."
"Oh." I whirled around into the adjoining room where I recalled seeing some building equipment lying around.
"Over here!" I said spotting the silver step-ladder. I tried to lift it our but lost my balance and stumbled slightly backwards knocking over some things.
"Got it!" The man said coming up from behind me and taking it from me.
"No problem." I turned around to pick up some of the fallen objects.
My hands fiddled through the things but froze when I came across something strange.
First, a cardboard box, a lavender cloth flung beside it revealing its' contents.
It was Syaoran's 'mysterious box.'
I intended to put it all back but curiosity killed my better judgment.
There were photos. Not just any photos, photos of Syaoran and me.
I dusted of my trench coat and kneeled on the coat as to not get my coat dirty. There we were. Ten years old, it was our classroom picture. Me, Syaoran, Tomoyo, Eriol, Chiharu… everyone. It was nice he kept them; despite the fact he says he 'hated' primary school.
As I looked at the pictures I took note that they were becoming more and more of just the two of us.
First day of high school, Christmas, camping trips, the things we use to do together. There was none of Tomoyo I noticed which made me wonder if he were getting rid of these photos, of us.
Then why hasn't he done it yet? Maybe, he really does love me. He means it, that's why he's keeping these, a reminder of what we had. Yet for some reason he betrayed me and let himself be with another.
I sighed thinking I'd probably never know his reasoning. Syaoran almost always did things without thinking or seeking opinions of others.
Then I stumbled on something peculiar. A piece of paper, jutting out like a blade from the photos. It was almost begging to be looked at.
That's enough Sakura, no more snooping. Syaoran wouldn't be impressed.
My brain was right, but my hand shuffled through to pluck out the white paper. It must be a class note or something I wrote to him years ago, or even a bill for something. At first I thought it was. There was small print that made me squint to read, but on the other side the writing was bigger and hand-written. From working with blue prints all my career I could tell it was a copy.
As I said, curiosity gave my eyes permission to read.
To Syaoran,
If you are reading this, it means I have passed away into the next life.
Do not grieve long for me; you have responsibility now as the man of the Li clan. I have always had big plans for you before you were even born. Your mother and I have watched you grow into a very respectable man most worthy of the Li title.
Of course as you know, being a Li leaves many responsibilities in your hands. Both your mother and I have educated you in our history. The Li clan goes back decades and with it, a certain tradition and social standing simply must be obtained.
I leave you half the company and the rest; you will obtain after the passing of your mother. But certain traditions must be held Syaoran. You must seek no other profession other than head of Li enterprise which I assume, is what you want to do anyway. Also, you must marry a girl of a high social standing approved only by your mother and no one else. I know you have your hopes set on certain young women but those women are not up to the polished standard and yes Syaoran I'm sorry, that does include Kinomoto.
You may think that I am being harsh but I have much faith in your mother that she will choose someone suitable for you who shall make you happy. Don't be misguided and think that 'love' has a big factor in marriage, unfortunately, it doesn't. This is the tradition upheld for decades Syaoran and as my only son; it shall not stop with you or your children.
If you fail to or refuse to meet these terms, then I am indeed, very disappointed in you. Not only will you be excluded out of the family as an embarrassment, but the entire Li Enterprise will fall to the responsibilities of the next sister, Fanran. I do not want this to happen but if it does, it is the responsibility of your own actions alone.
A Li goes on no matter what Syaoran, remember that. Life is unfair at times, and it has been for me, your grandfather and so on. Respect your mother in all she does and says for she is my voice beyond the grave. She knows what is best for the company until eventually, and I hope, it will be passed down to you. Do not rebel against her.
Know however, I am proud of all that you have accomplished so far. I've always been a religious man and so think of me as always watching over you.
This letter is my dying wish, don't disappoint me son,
You Father,
Xiao Lang.
The letter fell out of my hands and fluttered onto the ground.
It wasn't Yelen, or Fanran or Sonomi keeping me from being with Syaoran. It was the one man I respected as much as I respected my own father. Xiao Lang, and he didn't want me with Syaoran… ever.
He specifically did not want me. I was not good enough for his son.
A new set of tears flooded my eyes as I put together the pieces of the past. The reasoning behind my pain, hurt and betrayed.
He does love me. He does want to be with me… but can't. I wasn't up to polished standards. I crumpled onto the ground feeling every single little fibre shake in my body. Just when I thought I was physically unable to cry for anyone, I found myself inconsolable. I didn't even attempt to muffle my sobs, which attracted the attention of the other builders who I forgot were even there.
"Um… ma'am. Are you ok?"
Was I ok? I didn't know. All I knew was that I was numb. Numb, tired and simply heartbroken from absolutely everything. Why? Why does he hate me? Why can't I be good enough for anything! Not good enough at my job, not good enough to be called a best friend, not ever good enough for Syaoran.
"ma'am?" He said nervously edging his way towards my crumpled self. "Are you ok? Can we help you with anything?"
I managed to put the box back together to make it look as if it were untouched, undiscovered. I shook all over and with every last strength I had I pulled myself to my feet. I could see nothing behind the blurred mask of salty tears. Numbly, zombie-like I walked out of the room avoiding plaster and nails. Everyone was silent and pretended to carry on building but in a quieter manner.
"Ma'am," he said behind me determined to make sure I was ok. "Don't worry, I know the place looks a mess but we'll have it fixed up real nice you'll see. I know we're clumsy but I promise it'll look good! Don't get upset over it." I smiled a dead smile and turned my head a fraction his way.
"It's perfect. You don't need me anymore, I'll go away now, I won't disturb you anymore." A double meaning was inclined that of course, he didn't understand.
Slowly, hazily I made it to the car. My life, in five minutes had been crushed. A barrier strengthened itself between myself and the man I love, and there was no getting rid of it now.
There's no hope Sakura, there are no happy endings, this is real life.
With that thought lingering in my head, I turned and walked away completely unsure of what to do now but sure of one thing; Syaoran and I were just simply, not mean to be.
Hey sorry it's been a while!
Well now you all know! Don't assume this is it; I've got more surprises for ye ;)