I'm back :)
I origionally had two chapters written but I saved the whole thing as a blank document by mistake and lost all of it! :'(
So the whole thing had to be written again :( Here's what I think I wrote to begin with :D
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Sakura's POV
There was an unnerving silence between us.
Every ounce of nerve I had in me fled as I stepped in the door and left my knees trembling.
Behind her oxygen mask I knew she was glaring angrily at me. Neither one of us were going to be the one to break the silence. The beep of her heart monitor was a slow rhythm, nauseous.
"I'm going to make this quick. I have no time to waste on you." Beside her sat a fat silver bag. She grabbed it and pulled it to her side with great effort. I would have offered my help only I feared getting too close to her would anger her.
I felt as if my very presence was enough to induce another heart attack in her.
She rummaged through her bag and finally produced a white slip of paper. Her eyes narrowed at me and with a pale, white finger she motioned me to come closer. My heart beat increased but I tried not to show it.
I took the paper out of her hands. When my eyes scanned its contents I paled whiter than the wall. My mouth became unable to form words to express the anger inside me.
"Twenty million dollars. It's all yours. On the condition that you leave Japan and never return to Syaoran."
A small 'o' formed on my lips and my hands started trembling. Did she really have such a low opinion of me? Did everyone think I was no good, only out for one thing?
"You… you really think you can just pay me to leave?" I said horrified. I was waiting, waiting to be jerked out of a nightmare. Back to middle school, before all this happened. Before I even knew what it was like to love someone.
But no, here I was facing the woman I loathed more than anyone else in the world.
"I know someone like you has never seen that much money in their lives and you probably never will. Just take it Kinomoto. There's no point in pretending anymore, there's nothing for you with regards to Syaoran, and there never will be."
I couldn't even produce a tear. Even if I could, it would be wasted on someone like Yelen. This was too much in one day. I felt dizzy, but still I retaliated.
"You know Yelen, I pitied you. When your husband died I could somehow understand your bitterness. I even looked past the fact that your behaviour towards me worsened. I thought you were in grief. But that didn't matter. You never liked me did you? From the day you met me you despised everything about me. I couldn't do anything right. All I ever wanted to do was to love your son, was that so bad? We were never given a chance! I know it was you! I know you forced Xiao Lang to write that letter didn't you!"
I wanted to get a reaction out of her. I wanted so badly to wipe the smile of her face. But her smiled widened and sent a chill down my spine. She simply could not be fazed.
"Oh Kinomoto…someone like you…could never be with a Li…you are poised and I'll make sure….you do not destroy us…"
"I never tried to destroy you Yelen! You are destroying your own family through what you are and continuing to do! You can't blame me for everything!" I fumed and had to restrain myself from ripping the IV from her wrist.
"Just take the money and leave Kinomoto! All you do is destroy and destroy! First it was Syaoran, you poisoned him against the man he was suppose to be, disciplined and honourable to tradition and obedient to me. Then you moved onto my girls. Thanks to you Feimei and Fuutie have made themselves a laughing stock of Tomoeda with their drunken escapade like two untamed misfits! I am ashamed of them and it's thanks to you! Now they are leaving me! They are moving to Japan and fleeing with mysterious men whom I've never heard of. They are turning into untamed tramps and it's down to you and only YOU!" She screamed this without hesitance or pausing to breathe. Her deep hatred of me was coming out of her like there was no tomorrow.
She screamed without a care that she might be disturbing any neighbouring rooms or patients. For now, it was only us in the world. This ever continuous conflict between us was exploding into something very, very ugly.
"They deserve a life Yelen! Not to be constantly under your watch! You're suffocating them, you turned them against you yourself without my help!"
"Don't you EVER tell me how to run my family! It never started with that though did it? You and your family muscled your way into our lives, into my husbands life! You changed my husband! Take the money and LEAVE! I never want to see your face again!"
There was so much aggression and anger her voice. Her hands were curled upwards in a claw like motion.
When silence descended my hands clenched until my knuckles went white.
"I don't need your money Yelen. After the wedding, you will never see me again, neither will Syaoran. You will be happy and so will I."
I ripped the cheque up into pieces and it fell like snow when I threw it at her.
I was nearly out the door but Yelen decided I didn't have enough.
"Maybe you're not a gold digger, maybe you're just a whore!"
I felt anger like no other at that moment.
"Well I'd rather be a whore than a Li!"
"Liar." She said through her teeth.
"One day you'll get what's coming to you Yelen. Believe me, I can't wait until that day comes. Goodbye Yelen."
I stormed out of the room and out of the hospital. I half ran past a very concerned Fuutie and a grinning Fanran. I didn't stop for anything. I needed to get out of there. I needed to be far away from her and them. Under a darkening sky I just wanted to disappear into nothingness.
At least there, I could not feel Yelen's presence, I wouldn't have too feel so… unworthy.
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As I walked slowly on the dirt path that would take me home I couldn't help but to reminisce about a time before all of this. Penguin park came into view and for once in a long time a smile found my lips. I remembered being a child of ten. Eriol, Syaoran Tomoyo and I. The innocence of it all was something I sorely missed. Who knew we would end up like this?
With the wedding coming up soon I wondered where I blinked and missed all of this. Was there anything I could have done to prevent this from happening? My gut told me no.
I couldn't wait to leave all this. My life could only go up from here. Maybe Canada was my calling. I've hit rock bottom and I couldn't go any lower.
I stopped in my tracks when Penguin Park came into view. She stood leaning onto the edge of the bridge. Her hands were clasped in her hands and she looked as if she too, were reminiscing. Maybe she was thinking the same as I… Maybe.
I slowed my steps as to not disturb her. I paused beside her and mirrored her posture. We said nothing to begin with. We mellowed under the bleak sky.
She was the first to break the silence.
"Yelen's condition is all our fault." She said in a neutral tone.
I nodded my head and closed my eyes. Everything seemed to be my fault. The blame automatically went to me in everything.
I could see her biting the inside of her lip, she had something on her mind that was just aching to get out.
"So how long have you been sleeping with my fiancé?"
I didn't even flinch when she asked me this, nor did I ask how she came about knowing it. I just assumed everyone knew about Syaoran and I, our infidelity, maybe Eriol even knows.
"I haven't slept with him Tomoyo; can I say the same about yourself and Eriol?"
She bowed her head down in either shame or annoyance that I knew.
"How could you Sakura?" She said ignoring her own deceitful ways.
"You first. You're the one who's engaged, you would know."
She balled her fists and walked away angrily in a circle as if to calm herself.
"Was all of this part of your plan to get back at me? Well? Are you happy now."
"I don't have time for this Tomoyo." I said brushing past her.
"Don't walk away from this Kinomoto!" She fumed.
Kinomoto? So we're reduced to this are we?
"Fine. What do you want to hear Tomoyo? What do you want me to say?"
"What's your next move? I know you want me to suffer more so come on, now what? Are you just going to leave for Canada and desert all this mess you made?" She stabbed a finger at me with so much hatred in her eyes.
"Nothing I do will make you happy though will it? If I stay you'll accuse, me of ruining your life, if I go I'm a coward. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
"Oh stop with the innocent act! It's all because of you Syaoran can't love me! He hates me, he neglects me. You turned everyone against me! If you just left Syaoran alone, if you gave him a chance to love me then I wouldn't have done what I did! I wouldn't have gone to Eriol, I wouldn't have cheated! You forced me to Eriol, you made me betray Syaoran!"
"Cut the fucking innocent victim act Tomoyo!" I screamed loud enough to draw attention of a couple walking on the opposite side of the park.
"You and I both know you would have gone to Eriol sooner or late! I didn't start the affair Tomoyo, yes it was mutual but it's not my fault I've always loved Syaoran! I won't apologise for being with him because for once I was happy!" My emotions unleashed themselves from my mouth. I was like a broken tap that couldn't repair itself.
"You couldn't accept it could you? You can't accept that Syaoran wanted me and not you. For once in you life you didn't get what you wanted. Now you know how I felt!"
"God Tomoyo you still don't know do you? Syaoran never chose you he was forced to be with you!"
I told myslef I'd never tell her. I knew it would cause her an unbelievable amount of pain. Who wants to know their marriage was a well concocted plan by their mother in law. She stood there saying nothing. She obviously didn't know what I meant by this. She masked her face in her hands briefly; her engagement ring glittered dully.
"There's no point in lying to yourself anymore Tomoyo, you don't' love Syaoran." I said blankly.
She tore her hands from her face to give me a look of pure anger. "That's not true! I do love Syaoran!"
"Yeah, that's why you fled to the arms of another man."
"Shut up!" She whimpered and paced around but never left the perimeter of the bridge. "You can't say that I don't' love him! I've put up with his short temper, his anger and poor attempts to love me all these years and why? Because I love him! I'll admit I have feelings for Eriol, I won't deny that, but don't you ever say I don't love Syaoran, why else would I stick around? Well?"
"I don't know, maybe a desperate attempt to please your mother!" I shouted knowing I'd hit a sore spot in her. "Face it Tomoyo, you only continue with this charade because you think it's what's expected of you! You can't think for yourself and you never could. You're incapable of making your own decisions. You do what everyone else tells you, even if that means hurting me!"
"Stop…" Tears were forming in her eyes. She looked so tired and drained. Her cheekbones protruded from her face adding to a sickly look about her.
"Tell me you wouldn't give anything to see Eriol at that alter instead of Syaoran. Tell me that! Tell me!"
"I-I I don't know!"
"You can't have them both Tomoyo. When you marry Syaoran that's it! You can't go back on that! It's not fair to toy with Eriol like this! Eriol has always been there for you Tomoyo! He left the country for you to be happy, he loves you more than anyone else on the planet. Are you really so blind as to not see that? His patience will wear thin Tomoyo and you will lose him forever."
"I'm trying to be with Eriol to but-but I just don't know!"
"An affair consisting of stolen moments is not being with someone Tomoyo!"
"Stop..."
"No Tomoyo! You hurt me and you know you did! You were once like my sister! You were my family, but then you hurt me in more ways than one. You've changed! I've watched you over the years become swallowed up in a world that you don't belong. It's like over the years you've stopped listening to your morals! You've changed into something that you don't even like! Now, Eriol and I don't matter to you do we? We're simply not good enough are we?"
"Agh!" She screamed and as her hands tangled themselves in her hair. She pulled until I could see her scalp turn white. I was convinced she would seriously hurt herself.
"Tomoyo stop!" I said feeling guilty immediately. I lunged at her and pushed her hands from her hair.
In a split second she snapped and I saw her eyes become deranged. She lunged at me and thrust me away from her.
"Don't touch me! You think you actually have it hard? Do you! You've had a perfect life Sakura! You were the most popular girl in school, class president, prom queen, you had everything. Every guy wanted to be with you, everyone loves you and I had to play second to you for years! I was forever in your shadow, you were better than me in everything you did! You even had my mother's love for fuck sake!"
"That's a lie Tomoyo. Your mother always hated me and you know it!"
"No," She laughed. "She didn't hate you, she hated the fact you weren't her daughter! She hated the fact that I wasn't you! So she made me something that you would never be, a Li!"
The maddening look in her eye scared me. A side to her was revealing itself to me. I feared she would drown me in the very river under our feet.
"I'm just so flawed in your eyes aren't I Sakura? I disgust you now don't I? Don't I? Well fine, I don't want you to be burdened by my mistakes! Go then! Leave, go to Canada and see if I care! In fact, if you can't stand what I've become, don't even bother come to my wedding! Just leave! You and I are no longer friends! I don't want anything to do with you!" Her echo faded out into the cold, sharp air.
As if all everything she said drained her from the inside, she slumped to the ground, defeated and deflated.
I couldn't say any more.
Like a book I saw her life so far flash before my eyes. The envy and jealousy of my 'perfect' life, the yearning to be accepted by the Li clan and her mother, the pressure to compete with social standards, the inner pain of rejection from her fiancé, and the knowledge that her heart truly belonged to someone else.
It was taking its toll and slowly killing her.
I left her with the conclusion that we we're, as she put it, no longer friends.
The woman behind me was no longer Tomoyo Daidouji, she was a stranger.
A sad victim of her own doing.
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Tomoyo's POV
"I'm just so flawed in your eyes aren't I Sakura? I disgust you now don't I? Don't I? Well fine, I don't want you to be burdened by my mistakes! Go then! Leave, go to Canada and see if I care! In fact, if you can't stand what I've become, don't even bother come to my wedding! Just leave! You and I are no longer friend!"
I regretted the words as soon as they were said. I prayed she understood I was saying it out of anger. She knows me better tha that doesn't she?
She didn't. She walked away obviously the better woman.
"Sakura wait… I didn't mean it… You're right… don't hate me too…please…" I tried to project my voice to her ear, but she was too far gone. Something told me even if she heard me, it would have been pointless. I've sent her away and now, I truly am alone.
I stared at my hands.
God I hate myself.
A churning in my stomach sent me hurling over the bridge. I vomited until my stomach's contents held nothing. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hands. I was reminded of that other problem...
I managed somehow to pick myself up from the cold wooden floor and retreat with intention I didn't know how to play.
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The house was quiet, eerie.
The house had indeed; transformed into a prison cell, and Syaoran and I were the inmates.
There was something someone was not telling me.
'Syaoran didn't choose to be with you, he was forced!"
The stairs seemed to multiply as I rose up them.
He sat in his office chair with his back to me as still as the furniture around him. The only sign of life I saw in him was his hand, which rested over the chair.
My feet echoed as I took small cautious steps towards him.
I sat in the seat opposite the work desk, as if I were his client where this was business only meeting. He didn't even flinch. The office was darker and misted in shadows. I felt the most unwelcome atmosphere. Without the use of words, I got the feeling he wanted me to leave.
I didn't know how to approach this matter. How can I say this too him, I didn't even know what I wanted. I tapped into my heart and the words that came out shocked even me to the core.
"You don't love me Syaoran, do you?"
I stared at the back of the black, leather chair and waited for a response, anything. But silent he remained. I thought he didn't hear me at first. I looked up at the dark wood of the furniture, everything glared down at me. I was very much, unwelcomed here. The only light permitted to enter the room was the poor greyish light from the huge window in front of him.
I held my breath and contemplated on whether or not to ask the question again.
"No."
His answer was so clear. There was no hesitance in his voice, no second thought, just honesty.
I felt my heart choke, my stomach churn and I thought I would be sick again. The worst part, was that I expected him to say that. My ears just needed conformation, and they got it.
He didn't look at me at all. He merely stared out into the starless sky, probably thinking of her.
"Did you ever love me?"
"Not in the way you want to be loved." He admitted seeming to not care about my reaction. His voice was raspy and rusty.
"Then why? Why did you propose to me?" My voice was hoarse, unable to shout, too tired to scream, too tired to cry.
His chair squeaked as he rotated at a painfully slow speed. In his hand, sat an envelope. He indicated for me to take it, I didn't want to. Dark purple circled sagged his eyes. He was pale, so pale.
With trembling fingers I took it, opened it, and read.
At first I was confused, by the end, I was both sickened and heartbroken. A million things flooded my mind. His coldness towards me, his unexpected attraction to me, his whispers of sweet nothings. It was all lies.
Every single second of it.
Our relationship, our engagement. It was all for nothing.
"You… you are with me because of t-this…" A sob was caught in my throat.
"This Tomoyo, is the only thing that keeps us together. Without this, there never would have been and us." He said this with a stronger voice. He wanted me to understand, he wanted me to understand. He was determined to make me realise.
He just simply never loved me.
"You-you lied to me!" I stood up feeling a new wave of hurt and anger. "H-How could you trick me into this! Do you have any idea what you've done."
"More than you know."
"Were you thinking of her Syaoran? Huh? Were you? Every time you kissed me, looked at me, touched me you were thinking of Sakura weren't you!" I cried.
I flung the vase of the table and watched it break into pieces. All this emotion was building in me like a volcano and I just needed to erupt.
He never flinched. He just didn't care.
"Why me! Why me out of all people Syaoran! What did I do to you? What did I ever do to you."
He stared blankly at a picture of his father on the desk. "You did nothing Tomoyo. I didn't want to involve you in all this."
"But you did! If you don't love me Syaoran then what's the point! What's the point! If you don't want to do it Syaoran then fine, I'm breaking of the engagement!"
He slammed both his hands onto the table and stood up, an action that caused me to gasp and retreat a few steps from him.
"You do that and you will be nothing." A mad look in his eye told me he knew what he was talking about.
"You will lose everything Tomoyo; my mother will make sure of that."
He went on to describe the horrors that await me if I broke of this marriage. He told me everything, the reason we are together, and the reason we cannot be apart.
I saw my life at an end of the old Tomoyo, the new Tomoyo would be a shadow of herself, a replica of my mother.
I stared at me feet, absorbing it all in and hating every second of this new knowledge.
"I'm cheating on you Syaoran, with Eriol." I said quietly. It might as well all come out.
I saw his jaw clench, a vein throbbed in his forehead. I thought he would lose it then and there. I thought he would break everything in this room with the thoughts of his fiancé and his best friend together. But instead, he calmed and breathed twice.
"Fine," He said sitting back onto his chair. "I am not as cruel as my mother Tomoyo. I'll permit you to have your little affair with him. I won't object to you two. All I ask from you is three things. Wear your wedding ring, don't get caught with him, and some day, produce me an heir." He took a glass of scotch and drank it in one, ignoring my incredulous face.
Was that it? Did he really not care about me? After all these years? Me and his best friend, no reaction, just acceptance.
"What kind of a fucking marriage is that! You permit me to be with him, but only when no one's looking! I will not live like that Syaoran I wont!"
He gulped back another glass and shut his eyes probably wishing I would disappear.
"Then leave. You will have nothing."
I clutched my heart and wished I didn't have to say this. But he needed to know. There was no way I would be able to hide this. Hw was right. Eriol would be blacklisted from performing anywhere. His life and passion would be ruined and we would not be happy together.
"I'm pregnant Syaoran."
His face twitched a fraction towards me. His hands clutched the glass tighter, making me nervous. I don't regret telling him. I've known the day before Yelen's heart attack. But due to the chaos, I said nothing. I couldn't tell Eriol just yet. He would hate himself for allowing this to happen. He wanted to be honourable and respective Syaoran, but we gave in. Now we're in the worse predicament imaginable.
"Is it mine?" He asked knowing the answer already.
"What do you think? You haven't touched me in years."
The most nauseating silence fell. He stared at the bleak glass. I screamed when he smashed in against the window with pure rage.
"Do you still want me now Syaoran? Before you even ask I will not get rid of it."
He rubbed his temples. The frustration to punch something radiated of him.
"Then we have no choice do we? I need to think Tomoyo. Leave before I fucking break something." He slumped back onto the chair and grabbed the whole bottle. He disappeared out of my sight behind the chair to drink his sorrows away.
"You know Syaoran, I always overlooked your treatment of me. I put up with everything from you. I let you secretly hate me for years! I did everything for you, I changed myself for you! I lost my friends and I let myself become a stranger to myself all for you Syaoran! I never hated you, ever! I was loyal to you for most of our relationship and all this time you were lying to me!Because for some bizarre reason I loved you. I always did. Though it diminished over time it never left. Now I-…I just can't Syaoran. I feel nothing for you now. I… I hate you."
That was the first time I've ever said 'hate' to someone.
His words fell like bitter rain.
"You sleep with my best friend, a funny way of showing love Tomoyo." He actually laughed. I was becoming convinced he was going mad, deranged. He reclused himself in his office rejecting the world. This, would be my life.
"You're telling me you you never slept with her?" I said with actually a glint of hope.
"No."
"What are we doing about the baby?" I asked biting my lip.
"For tonight Tomoyo. I just don't care. I just don't care about anything."
I fled his presence, I just couldn't do this. I couldn't be with Eriol ever, I couldn't have the simple things I longed for when I was a child. A husband who loved me, to have a child that I wasn't ashamed of.
But that was not the life I, Tomoyo Daidouji was destined to have.
God I hated him now, I hate you Syaoran Li.
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I have to re-write the next chapter all over again :/ Sorry about that :L
Sorry for the short chappie too, school work's piling up on me. I know ye want me to skip to the wedding but trust me it's not that far of!
R&R!