Hellloooo!
I had exams all week so didn't get a chance to write :( Anyway here's another chapter!
It's nearly the end of this fanfic! :O
As usual, hope you enjoy!
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Syaoran's POV
I glared at the empty wine glass wishing it was big enough to drown in. The monophonic drones on my colleagues blended into weary sound. On the banner behind me read 'Happy Engagement.' Happy my ass.
"Shouldn't you be with your fiancé?" Sheifa hissed into my ear whilst keeping the plastered smile on her face.
"Do me a favour and fuck off." I said turning away from the circle who continued to chat. I was in no mood to socialise with anyone even to please Sheifa for a second.
"It's looks suspicious if you are not with her." She said clinging to my arm.
I tore away from her. She was like a leech that fitted comfortably into our mother's shoes. She scowled and would have gone after me if she weren't distracted by a new entourage of people who stepped in.
Through the thick atmosphere I made my way over to the table. I closed my eyes and wished for this night to just end already.
"Syaoran."
Lazily my eyes made my contact with Eriols. He looked at me with something I could only identify as sympathy. Was he pitying me? Seriously? As I narrowed my eyes at my best friend I found that I simply couldn't muster up any energy to pretend to be angry.
"You showed up." I laughed quietly.
His face remained stone cold. "You don't look so good Syaoran."
I smirked and looked across the room towards Tomoyo who was listening with dead eyes to Yamagata-san. Her thumb moved to draw small discreet circles on the bottom of her stomach. A sick feeling rose in me. How was I going to handle this? I closed my eyes and sighed. Of course I don't look good. Lately appearance has been last on my agenda.
"I believe congratulations are in order." He said. He was obviously nervous. Eriol was never good with his guilt. I truly believe it was killing him inside. The fact that I knew he was suffering eased some initial anger I might have felt.
"No, I believe congratulations are in order for you." I smirked at my engagement ring.
Behind his glasses he squinted in confusion. "Tomoyo's pregnant." I said in a low voice but lacked any concern.
His mouth formed a small 'o' and I saw his fingers clench. His pupils guiltily shot down to his shoes. As if he realised he forgot himself he smiled a forced smile.
"Wow, congra-"
"It's yours Eriol. I know about everything." I don't know what possessed me to tell him all of this. A part of me was dying with every single second that passed and got closer to the day. Did I even care anymore what happens to me?
For the sake of the rest of my family, and my father's reputation, I guess I had to.
Eriol paled before my eyes. His lip quivered slightly before his eyes descended downwards in shame once more.
"Syaoran… you don't know how sorry I am. I didn't mean for all this to happ-"
"Don't."
He closed his mouth and looked at me.
"I don't hate you Eriol, I'm disappointed but… I'm not really one to talk." He caught my meaning and nodded understandingly.
"I take it you don't want to talk about this here." He whispered. Eriol, second to Sakura always had an understanding to what I was feeling. Right now he knew I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was certainly not in the mood to discuss this.
"I'm sorry Syaoran, but I do love her Syaoran."
"At least that makes one of us." I said walking away from him and disappearing to the other side of the room.
I was constantly being pulled aside to be congratulated. I was really starting to get pissed. Usually I could at least pretend but tonight I just couldn't. I couldn't fake interest anymore.
A hand suddenly grabbed my forearm and held it tightly. I turned around to see no body but merely an arm. Finally Meiling pushed her way through. She was out of breath but looked like something from a vogue magazine.
"Meiling, I thought you weren't going to make it." I said smiling and bringing her into a hug. I truly did miss her, but something told me she was here for other matters.
"You know me, I do what I can." She grinned with a gleam in her eye. "So anyway…" She nodded her head away from the crowd inclining we go to a quieter scene.
We emerged into the cold air outside the house. I could feel my heart thump as I gauged Meiling's unreadable face. Her eyes, black as they were, managed to grow darker. Her lips formed a thin line as she began to shake her head like a doctor delivering bad news.
"I'm sorry Syaoran." She said and concealed her face with her hands. I could tell she was angry with herself.
"You didn't find anything did you?" I said slumping to the porch seat. Who was I kidding? I never expected her to find anything. If she didn't the first time, how would she the second?
She sat beside me and sighed loudly. "Don't beat yourself up. I suspected forgery as soon as I read the letter too. I was on edge waiting for my team to come back with the results but every time the results came back the same." She rubbed her temples. Her silk black hair sat defeated on her shoulders.
"I even gave the letter to my close personal assistant. She did some results and there is evidence of forgery there, but there so minute and difficult to detect that it wouldn't hold up in court. Someone could easily argue that it wasn't then we'd just make fools of ourselves. Yet it's so not like your father to be like that. He was a reasonable man."
"But he was stern too." I commented.
"That's true, but to be so harsh to single out Sakura is so…..so unlike Xiao Lang. It couldn't have been him who wrote it."
"We can sit here all we want and talk about this but it changes nothing. We have no proof, therefore, no case." For the first time I said it. It stung to hear myself speak the truth.
Meiling nodded in agreement. "But with the percentage increase of forgery in Asia over the past six years, the new laws state that unless there is outstanding evidence of forgery or an original is found, then you must go with what you have. Simply saying it couldn't have been your father would make us a laughing stock in a court. The fact that the letter was re-evaluated several times doesn't help either. Traditionally a man like Xiao Lang or anyone of that high business standard leaves a will or last wish to the oldest son. It's practically law nowadays."
"Without an original to prove other wise…"
"We must go with this one." She concluded.
Under the yellow glow of the porch light we sat and wallowed in the unfortunate. I always said that when this happened I'd go with plan B. I would just leave and take her with me. I'd find some way for us to be happy. I just didn't foresee her objection to it, and I underestimated the consequences. I couldn't force her to be with me.
"So what you're saying is… There is no hope." Again I laughed. This was my one shred of hope left, and now there was no chance.
"I'm not saying that Syaoran, we can try! We can try to bring it to court! We might not win but-"
"There's no point Mailing. We have no case. It would shine attention on Sakura too… I don't want to involve her more than she already is."
She placed a hand over mine. "I'm sorry Syaoran, I'm sorry I couldn't help you."
"It's not your fault Meiling. It's just the way it happened."
I could feel the anger rise in me, the frustration taking over. The music from the inside was unbearable. Those people have no idea; nobody knows what's truly going on.
I stood up and paced away, away from Meiling, from the party, from those people.
"Syaoran? Syaoran where are you going? Syaoran!" Meiling's voice became distant the further I walked away from her, and when I shut the car door I could hear nothing but the outside wind crashing into my car as it drove faster and faster away.
I didn't know where I was going. My body has a destination in mind and kept it secret from my brain. But as I turned onto a familiar road I smiled a little knowing where I was going.
xxx
Tomoyo's POV
The scene around me was like something plucked out of a fairytale book, and I was the princess. If I were not so miserably dethatched from the present, I would have relished in it.
With my eyes half open I hazily glanced at the thick crowd in my home. They jeered and laughed and endlessly approached me giving me their best wishes for the 'big day' which was happening in a frightening two days. All around me the air was filled with a vibrant energy that I could not in any way be a part of.
I stood beside Feimei who chatted amiably to me. Her words blurred into one long drone. I couldn't absorb anything. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. My mother had indeed made sure I looked more than presentable at my engagement party. The dark circles under my eyes were concealed by make up and a light glow sat on my skin. You truly wouldn't believe by looking at me that I was dead inside.
Across the room, Syaoran stood among some colleagues. He mirrored my expression. We were supposed to be the happy couple, but we were exactly the opposite. He didn't speak or look like he was engaging in the conversation. The rest of them laughed but silent he remained, gazing into nothing. We've spoke not over five words since that night. It is not hate that separates us now, its guilt. We both felt ashamed and to look at each other brought unsettling feelings in both of us. I don't know how I will survive the next few days.
I bit my lip and subtly, without drawing any attention, stroked my stomach with my fingertips. A small sob rose in my throat. My stomach was still flat but I felt it there. My baby, my child, Eriol's child.
I sighed and excused myself from Feimei's presence. I busied myself by wandering idly through the thick crowd stopping occasionally because people wanted to extend their congratulations. One thing I could be relieved of was the absence of Yelen's presence. She was recovering in the hospital but doctors assured she would be ok to release on the day of the wedding. I could practically see the smirk on her face. Only she could stare death in the face, scoff and shoo him away for now.
Her absence was strangely filled by Sheifa. She transformed into the loudest most charismatic person in the room. I imagined she was a younger Yelen. She made a point in seeing to everyone's needs and sucked up to all the right people to give the impression that this was indeed a happy occasion. Fanran sulked in the corner drinking from a wine glass that never seemed to empty.
There was not one person here from my childhood to delight in this 'happy occasion. Chiharu cancelled last minute saying Takashi was sick, Rika and Naoko did stop by but left rather early but with promises to be present at the wedding. How is it that my once closest friends have now become people I can't seem to relate to?
I sighed, I knew exactly why.
I spoke briefly to Meiling who, through the years has remained neutral towards me, not hating me, not being my best friend either. As Syaoran's cousin she made the effort to keep in regular contact with me and I was happy about that at least.
"Tomoyo!" My mother sauntered up to me to grab my arm.
She was dressed up to the nines as if she were the one getting married.
"Tomoyo darling Mr Haru Yamagata wants to meet you! He works in a branch firm for Syaoran in South Tokyo and you simply must meet him! Oh Tomoyo it's all we dreamed of! These are the type of people you need to be involved with. I'm telling you, this is only the start!" She jeered and smiled like a schoolgirl.
If this were only the beginning then the rest of my life was to be a bleak and bitter one.
"Yamagata-san! This is my Tomoyo but of course you know that!"
Mr Yamagata was a plump man with a bald shiny head you could see your reflection in. I bowed politely.
"Oh Daidouji-san, she is as beautiful as her mother."
Mother blushed at this and batted her eyes at the unattractive man. God, she could be so pathetic, and my father standing right behind her.
Was I any better? With my mother it was innocent flirting but with me well….
My thumb stroked my stomach and I sighed.
"Congratulations Daidouji-san. A fine wife you'll make Li-san. I've been working with him for years and was just waiting for this event!" He laughed as jolly as Santa Claus would.
I tried to force a smile but it was tight, forced and lacked anything genuine. This whole evening is a sham, this event was a lie. I couldn't even thank Yamagata-san. I couldn't speak; my mouth was on strike from producing any words. So I simply bowed again and tightened my smile.
Yamagata-san talked on and on about his business and future hopes for what was to become of it. I didn't digest a word of it. My eyes oscillated from him to the front door on the other side of the room. Was it so bad that I missed him incredibly? If he showed up I wouldn't know how to contain myself, I wouldn't know what to say. How could I tell him about the baby? What could I say?
I felt my chest tighten. My head started to pound. I closed my eyes and placed a hand over my head. I didn't want him to come here yet… I needed him so bad.
"I'm sorry Yamagata-san. I don't feel well. Excuse me." I turned and left them ignoring the shocked and incredulous look on my mother's face. I would have to pay for that one. Blowing of an executive for the Li enterprise would be social suicide in my mother's books.
I felt suffocated as I pushed my way away from people who I now ignore. My feet found the staircase and I trudge up them.
"Tomoyo! Where are you going?" My mother snapped and followed me with a look of extreme worry. "How can you just dismiss and executive like that in the middle of a conversation! Do you realise how rude you were!" She flung her arms out.
I only walked faster but she followed me all the way to my bedroom.
I tried to slam the door in her face but she caught it last minute and forced her way in.
"What has come over you? You're behaving like a spoilt child Tomoyo! March back down them stairs apologise to Yamagata-san and you stay there until you are appropriately dismissed!"
"I am not a child mother! And if it's so important to you then go fucking entertain them yourself!" I screamed.
A look of extreme shock consumed her face for a long moment. Her hand flew to her chest.
"H-how d-dare you speak to me l-like that Tomoyo. After all I've done fore you-"
"Oh just stop it! This is all for you. You're living the life you wish you had through me and congratulations, it's working for now so don't push it." I paced away from her rubbing my head in annoyance.
"No Tomoyo no I'm doing it for you darling, all for you." She clasped her hands together whilst trying to win me back.
You can see where I get my trait of denial from. She shook her head and kept that plastered smile on her face. Was that me? Was I ever as bad as that? I groaned loudly to think I could have been. I could indeed have been so pathetic.
"Did you know?" I asked turning towards her.
"Know what honey?"
"Know why Syaoran choose to be with me! Did you and Yelen plan this together? Were you apart of it?"
She looked at me as if I spoke a completely different language. By the way she stood there waiting for me to elaborate I knew that she didn't know anything. She was just a pawn in Yelen's game too. Something told me even if I blurted it all to her now she wouldn't even care. She'd shrug it off. It wouldn't affect her in the slightest. In fact she'd just applaud Yelen for being a social genius.
"Tomoyo honey, come back downstairs. Talk to your fiancé, mingle a little. You're to stressed darling let me speak on your behalf. Just come with me." She tugged on my hand to lead me away as if I were a toddler completely unable to make her own decisions.
Well not anymore.
I snapped my hand away from her. There was no force on earth that would bring me back there.
"Do you even give a shit?" I shouted and flared my arms out. "Do you even care that I'm obviously unhappy marrying Syaoran! Well, are you!"
She stood baffled and lost for words. My mother was never good with confrontation. She buried her head in the sand so much it was difficult to even talk to her realistically.
"T-Tomoyo I.. I-"
"You wouldn't would you." I spat. "You really don't care about me mother do you?" I said quietly that I doubt she even heard me.
"I have lost the only true friend I ever had because of all this." I whimpered.
I didn't see her hand strike my cheek. I only felt it. The rough friction of her palm against my cheek sent shockwaves of pain. I collapsed to the floor not really knowing how I got there but being fully aware of the pain on my cheek.
In a split second I was transported back five years ago. Even the sight of my mother towering over to me was frightening familiar.
"I though we'd never have this conversation again Tomoyo. What did I say to you the last time? WELL!" I half crawled backwards with a terror that was familiar to me. The click of her heels closed in towards me. With wobbly knees I stood up. I would have fallen back again if she hadn't caught my elbow in an ice grip.
"You remember what I told you before don't you!"
I knew what she wanted me to say. I refused to satisfy what she wanted. I had to break this control she had over me. She could not influence my life forever.
Her fingers dug themselves so far into my skin I was sure she would crush the bone.
"I'll remind you then." She said cold and dangerously. This was a side to her that revealed itself as a way of protecting herself against anything that might ruin what she had.
"Nadeshiko's little bitch won't ruin this for us. If that queer of a brother of hers can find someone then so will she!"
"How can you say that?" I gasped hearing her refer to the Kinomoto's like that. I knew she was harsh, but not like this. "Toya's your nephew for Gods' sake."
"They are nothing to us Tomoyo. After the wedding you will have nothing to do with them do you hear me? They are nothing to us!"
"You can't tell me who I can and can't talk to." I said through my teeth. I was in a vulnerable position at the moment. She didn't notice my hand which was fully spread over my stomach.
"Don't dare cry Tomoyo. Compose yourself and get back downstairs now!"
"No! Don't touch me ever again! Stay the fuck away from me!" My roar echoed so loud I wouldn't be surprised if guests downstairs could hear me over the music.
"Tomoyo-"
"Get the FUCK OUT!" I screamed with my hands trembling.
Her jaw dropped and she became speechless. The room was quiet and I my heart quickened as I anticipated what her reaction would be.
She stuttered and stumbled backwards. The roles were reversed. She opened and closed her mouth struggling to find words. In the end she half ran away from me. I shook all over. I've never spoken to her like that before. In fact, I've never raised my voice like that to anyone.
I collapsed onto my knees and slowly crawled over to the bedside.
Fear then consumed me. I wanted Eriol, I needed him. But he wasn't here, and if he were, I would have to send him away. At a moment like this, the thing a girl needed, was a best friend.
But I chased mine away.
Why, why did I have to be born into this nightmarish society? I wished I could go back in time, re-do all of this mess. I wish I could tell myself to make my own decisions. But there was no point in wishful thinking. Why me… why me…
My fingers predictably changed from playful curling in my hair to gripping it tightly. My hands went on a frenzy pulling and puling at my scalp to numb my inner pain. It served as some distraction and blocked my tears. I deserved this pain. My fingers twisted and turned as if they were trying to bury themselves underneath my scalp.
I stopped for a moment. I paled when my eyes fell on my hands. Clumps of lavender hair knotted and twisted between my fingers.
I was convinced I was going mad. This was going too far. I plucked it from my fingers as my chest tightened.
I contemplated on a thought. Through my tears my hands found the phone sitting on the dresser. I found myself dialling a number and not knowing what I would say.
It rang on….and on…and then I got her voicemail.
I knew she was there. I needed to say something but I couldn't form words.
So I dug deep.
"….Sakura…I, I don't really know what to say." I laughed nervously and wiped my nose. "I… you'd think I'd be so happy right now. Remember when we were ten; I had everything planned didn't I? My dream wedding. I had it all planned so perfectly in my head. In two days I should be the happiest girl in all of Japan. And it's not the obvious fact that… you know, the whole thing with Syaoran and I, or the fact that I' marrying into a life that's not meant for me. When I was downstairs talking to people who don't really care about me, I was thinking about you. You were right Sakura, I've changed... I don't expect you to come to the wedding, I'll understand if you don't. But…I would like to see you sometime before you leave. I know it's a lot to ask and I…I completely understand if you want nothing to do with me. I just want to apologise to you, face to face." I wiped a tear from my eye and bit my lip. "I can't undo anything. You have no idea how much I'm hating myself right now." Again I laughed nervously. My hand soothingly rested on my red raw scalp.
"I know it's too late, and I know things were said, bad things mainly on my part. But I want you to know Sakura, from the bottom of my heart that I am truly, truly sorry. It's long over-due, and I hate how we've grown apart..but I do know it's all because of me…I'm sorry Sakura…I'm so sorry."
I sob blocked any more words. I hoped she was listening. I hope she knew how much I meant it. Knowing there was nothing more I could say, I hung up with wishes that I got through to her to some degree. I pathetic phone call would not patch up the bridge of our friendship. I probably will never make it up to her, but I could try.
Placing my hands on my stomach I rubbed it freely. Would I be a mother like mine? Would I become so bitter about the events of my life that I would try to redeem it through my child? It could happen; I bet my mother had hopes when she was a child. I bet my grandmother forced my mother into that life.
No, as I stroked the skin protecting my child I thought, I would redeem myself somehow. I vowed to be the best mother alive. My child would have anything it could ever want. I'd support it in any choice he or she made. Every time I looked at him or her I'd see Eriol and I know, I would do my best. My child will love me; they will never hate me…
I hate crying, I really do. In two days I would not be permitted to cry anymore. I didn't hear the door open softly, nor did notice the footsteps approach me. I was too consumed in a world of my own. If it were a girl…she'd be called Kimiyo…if a boy…
"Tomoyo." I gasped slightly.
I didn't get up from the floor. I remained intensely lost in his eyes until slowly he took up a floor space beside me. We didn't speak. He looked lost. It was a while since we've spoken last. My hands remained frozen at my sides. His fingertip, which sat next to mine, stroked mine tenderly. He remained staring at the opposite wall blankly.
"You shouldn't be here." I said even though it killed me. "You should leave."
"Is that what you really want?"
I sniffed and looked away. "Of course it's not. I don't want you to ever leave me. But… I think you know why we can't…"
"Why we can't be together." He finished for me.
"It's not fair to Syaoran. We're stopping this Eriol. You shouldn't be here." I couldn't look at him. I had to send him away. I couldn't prolong any of this, it hurt too much.
"When were you going to tell me about the baby?"
I slapped a hand over my mouth. My hands trembled again but I kept my eyes locked onto the floor.
"How did you know-"
"Syaoran told me."
"Wh-why?" I said not believing that Syaoran would utter a word about this situation to anyone.
"He's not himself anymore. I don't even think he fully understood what he was saying to me. When were you going to tell me?"
"I wasn't." I answered honestly. "What was the point in us both suffering? I wanted you to go on with your own life, back in London and not here where there seems to be nothing but misery."
He clamped my face in his hands.
"Then come with me."
"What?"
"Come back to London with me. We don't have to come back here. We'll start again. The three of us, you'll be away from your mother and-"
"No Eriol." My voice was firm and cut him off.
I took his hands away from me and rubbed my neck trying to think of a way to make him understand. "Eriol, certain things are keeping us apart. Believe me, if they didn't exist of course we'd be together. If things weren't more complicated then they seemed, do you think Syaoran would be with me?"
His eyes avoided mine, he must know, if he didn't then he certainly could see there were complications beyond his control.
"We'll manage."
"No Eriol do you know how that would affect people? I couldn't leave knowing the effects it would have on Syaoran and you! You would be blacklisted from anywhere and so would I! Then what would we do? How would we live then!"
"It's not al about money Tomoyo. We'll survive."
"Well I can't leave with you knowing its hurting people! All I've done is hurt people and I'm sick of it!"
"So what you just want me to walk out of your life? Out of our child's life! Do you think I'd actually do that!"
"No Eriol …" I stood up and paced away from him rubbing my head in frustration. He stood behind me waiting for an answer I did not know how to give. "Of course you'll still see the baby of course!"
This was the worst predicament I've ever faced. Syaoran won't say it but we'll probably have to raise this child as his. The first Li of Tomoyo and Syaoran. How could I involve Eriol in this? How could I cause him so much pain to be present in the child's life but not being apart of it? How could we keep it a secret? When every passing year would see my son or daughter lack any dominant Li features? If it were ever found out, it would be the end of Syaoran, myself, Eriol, and our child would be known as the bastard child of deceit.
How do you look a child in the eye and say they had two dads? How do you deny a man to be apart of something that is his?
"And how will I see it? Through E-mails? Photo's? Am I just going to be the stranger who randomly shows up? Am I going to have to play second to Syaoran as the father? I can't live not knowing my kid, my first child. I'm not leaving Tomoyo. I've left you once and it nearly killed me. I'm not going to do it again!"
"Why do you love me Eriol why! How can you possibly feel anything for me when all I do is cause pain and heartbreak everywhere I go! You could have anyone else in the world, why me!"
"Because you're not a bad person like you think you are Tomoyo. I love you, and I always will. Neither you or anyone can change that nor you can push me away as much as you like, I'm not leaving."
I kept backing away from him until my back hit the cold surface of the window. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. After all this, he's seen me at my worst and yet he still wants to be there for a train wreck like me.
At that moment I was convinced that we all have truly gone insane. Syaoran had adopted a world of his own that shuns out anyone but Sakura. I, for obvious reasons am not completely sane and Eriol… just the fact he still wanted me made me question his mental state. Yes, we've all gone mad. Oddly enough Sakura seems to be the only one who came out sane in all of this. She's probably the most effected but yet, she is by far the strongest. That thought only pained me more that I pushed her away.
"What will you do… in when I'm married."
He didn't phase or move. "You and Syaoran… won't be married." He smiled a tranquil yet disturbing smile. "Something will intervene I- I just know it will. Something will put an end to all this madness. You'll see. Something will happen."
He actually convinced himself that this was true. He saw hope at the end of this disastrous tunnel. As he closed in on me I did not retreat. He was inches from my face. But I refused to let him kiss me. This would be the last time I ever let Eriol Hiiragizawa be alone with me. For the sake of a stable life for our child, I would become a hard stone. I would be a pillar and sacrifice the one thing I wanted. I don't know how this was going to work, I truly didn't.
"You don't believe me do you?"
"No. But I really hope I'll be proven wrong." He didn't kiss me, which I was both glad and saddened by. Instead his arms wrapped around me, embracing my tightly. My hand slipped between us to rest protectively on my tummy.
"I'll protect you." I whispered so quietly that even Eriol couldn't hear me. "You won't suffer for our mistakes."
As I buried my head into his chest, I swore it would be the last time I would do so.
I felt so safe here, with him. He could always shoo away my fears but unfortunately not destroy them for now. Would I ever feel this safe again? Would I ever look at Syaoran and feel an ounce of what I'm feeling now?
But something in the determination of his words, something in the way he gazed at me sparked a little hope inside me that maybe…just maybe something would happen. Maybe there would be a twist in this sick little destiny of ours.
Maybe… just maybe….
x x x
Sakura's POV
"I don't expect you to come to the wedding, I'll understand if you don't. But, I would like to see you sometime before you leave. I know it's a lot to ask and I completely understand if you want nothing to do with me. I just want to apologise to you, face to face. I can't undo anything. You have no idea how much I'm hating myself right now."
She laughed nervously.
"But I want you to know Sakura, from the bottom of my heart that I am truly, truly sorry."
She hung up.
I wanted so badly to have the nerve to delete that message. But I didn't.
I felt a swell in my heart. Tomoyo, what should I do? I swore I'd leave her too her life that time on the bridge, but to simply let someone go is easier said than done. A million memories flooded my mind. To think we were once inseparably…
For the moment I wondered what they were doing. It was there engagement party but I certainly was not going to attend. Eriol tried to guilt me into it, but I wasn't having it.
Two days…just two more days…
I wiped my dusty hands of my tracksuit and proceeded to move my boxed things. On my left sat an opened suitcase with clothes spilling out of it. It was all becoming real. My apartment was becoming barer by the minute.
When I took a break I found myself unable to wing myself of certain thoughts.
Beside my hands my car keys winked at me temptingly. It wouldn't do any harm would it? Just one last visit before I left.
I swiped the keys of the counter and left Tomoyo's messaged undeleted.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As I stood in the completed conservatory I couldn't help but to smile a proud smile. Who thought a rookie like me could design something like this?
One window was tinted green and progressively turned golden. I could say I was proud of myself, even if it was not meant for me to admire. The room was shaped like a dome and through its pointed roof there were very few stars which penetrated through a dark sky. A small white glow lit up the room making it seem as if I were in a fairytale.
I was gaping so much at the unusual dark sky I didn't hear the door open quietly and shut with a light thud. I jumped and retreated from the silhouette that was now present.
"How did you know I'd be here?" I asked backing into the nearby window ashamed that I was caught, especially by him.
"I didn't. I guess we both just thought the same." He said with a small smile playing on his lips.
I didn't know how to act. Should I leave? Was it bad I was here after everything that happened?
He looked handsome in his suit and I felt nervous as I began to examine the floor instead of his eyes.
"Shouldn't you be at your engagement party?"
He winced and shook his head. "I needed to breath. Looks like you did too?"
I felt guilty for not having a reasonable explanation for my absence there, but I was sure he understood. He too stopped to gaze around the room and butterflies fluttered in my stomach when he smiled.
"It's amazing Sakura." When the light fell on his face he was God-like. To think he could have been mine. To think this could be our house, I could have been his… could have.
He paused and bit his lip as if an idea was forming in his head. "One second," He said and disappeared into the adjoining room.
A nerving feeling took over me. The last time we were here we weren't so… distant. I was in his arms holding onto a promise that one day it would be forever. I suddenly felt cold to think that was just the wish of a very foolish girl.
He re-emerged with an item. Under the dim lighting I couldn't quite make it out. He hunched behind a beige chair to fix something. I leaned over to try and figure out what he was doing but when I heard familiar music fill the room my gut twisted.
"No Syaoran… just no." I said backing up from him. I knew what he was getting at, and I was not going to do that to myself. This would simply kill me.
I held my hands out to stop him from approaching me but his determination brought him closed to me. He caught my wrists, not in a vulgar motion but a gentle one that caused me to gasp. It was not long before I surrendered to his whim. I found myself falling into a swaying motion with him.
His hand fell onto my waist and he closed the remaining gap between us. It was like we were back to the first dance lesson; then again, he never really did need those. I felt his breath on my forehead, his smell overwhelmed me. He was unknowingly reeling me in. I hated this effect on me, especially when it was so near to the wedding.
He made the bold move of kissing my forehead.
"Syaoran don't…" I pleaded against his motions.
"Sorry." He said sincerely. He was not making this easy.
"So why did you leave?" I asked to fill the silence.
"I couldn't take it anymore; I didn't want to be there anymore, with those people. Besides, I was … thinking of you." His voice dropped to a saddening tone. I could only imagine what he had to go through. I dared not ask about Yelen. I presumed she was still recovering.
"Don't say things like that Syaoran."
He mumbled more apologies but I doubt he meant them. The lull viola's set the scene that was not appropriate for us. Fate was temping us, giving us a taste of what it could have been like, but then knowing it would just take it all away from us. Whether it was cruel or kind I didn't know.
"Why are you doing this Syaoran? It's going to hurt us both in the long run."
"I know." He admitted and held me closer as if he were afraid I would run. "It's just that... this is the last time we'll be here… like this."
Why does he have to say those things? Why does he insist on making this so painful? In a way he was right, we would never, ever be in each other's arms like this again.
His hands stroked my back so softly that Goosebumps covered my arms. For a moment, for one guilty moment I sunk into his chest and emerged myself into a daydream. What if it were me in two days? What if I were the one in white? I was never much of a romantic but at that moment my imagination sky rocketed. I could imagine it so clearly in my mind. But apart from the materialistic side of it all I would have been perfectly content with just him and I. Nothing fancy, just us.
Then in a low whisper his words fell into my ear. "I wish you wouldn't leave."
"I have to Syaoran. Staying here would kill me. It could never work. I have to move on somehow."
I could here him sigh and slow down our pace to a simple rocking motion. My chest tightened and I bit back my lip to control myself. I didn't want to leave either. The realisation that I would not see my family and close friends face to face was not something I looked forward to.
"I know… It's just becoming too real."
"You don't think I'd give anything to be in Tomoyo's shoes right now?" I said laughing apprehensively in a desperate attempt to keep a somewhat light atmosphere between us. He smirked and ducked his forehead until it tipped of mine. His eyelashes curled up to almost meet mine. He held my hand and brought it close to our faces, kissing my fingertips softly.
"You'd look so beautiful. I'd be so nervous seeing you become my bride."
"How do you think I'd feel?" I laughed knowing I had a tremendous stage fright or of anyone staring at me.
"I guess I'd have to make up for that on the honeymoon wouldn't I?" He grinned.
"Oh? And that would be where exactly….?" As the next track proceeded we swayed more pronouncedly.
"Well… any preferences?"
I bit my lip and put an ounce of serious thought into it.
"…Fiji."
"Fiji?" He said arching an eyebrow and holding back his laugher.
"Don't laugh!" I said playfully punching him. "I went there once with my dad, I want you to take me too."
"Fine, Fiji it is."
"Not just for a honeymoon. Let's live there. We won't ever come back to Japan, we'd escape all this, and we'd start again. Forget our old life, we'd be happy…"
"Quite adventurous aren't we?" he spun me under his arm and caught me again.
I was aware, fully aware that this light hearted conversation was something that could turn. I should have left then and there before I got too caught up in it. But to see him happy, smiling after so long, after everything within in the family…I would almost feel guilty to leave him and force him to return to the misery that awaited him. But my heart took control of my mouth and continued to encourage him.
"We'll live by the beach, not on it, near enough so we can see an ocean."
"A mansion on a beach, interesting."
"No, not a mansion, we'll live quietly, we won't draw attention to ourselves. A small two story house with a porch maybe a small balcony." I said getting ideas of this fantasy house.
"And how shall I be able to afford this Mrs Li?"
"You'll support me by running a quaint bar on a quiet street. Maybe I'll open a charity shop or something, or as a waitress. We'll struggle sometimes to make ends meet, and I'll probably worry a little about the mortgage, but we'll make it through, we'll always make it through." I could feel his smile on my forehead as he inhaled my scent.
I felt like I fell into a hidden pool of my deepest wishes. It was luring and so enticing.
"Little Nadeshiko will play piano, we'll stay up late waiting for you because we'll get worried. You'll be so protective of her. But she's so lucky to have a father like you." I said adding our imaginary daughter into this fantasy land. "It won't always be perfect though. We'll fight occasionally, say things we don't mean. You'll storm out of the house and I'll lock myself away from you…The hours will go by and I'd stand outside the porch waiting for you because I know a storms coming… I'll drive myself crazy waiting for you... I won't sleep… just wait…"
"But I'll always come back…"
I wrapped my arms around his waist tighter. "Yeah, you'll always come back. You'd never leave us…"
The closeness between us sent waves of guilt through my body. No romantic moves were made; we knew we had to break away from this. But I went on.
"Nadeshiko will probably move out, go back to Japan… we'll retire through the years into old age... we'll start forgetting things, you'll fall asleep on the sofa reading a newspaper.. I'll worry every night about Nadeshiko but every night she calls…. And every night you'll tell me you love me until we fall asleep…And no one would get hurt because of us…"
I sighed into in chest listening to the echoes of the last track.
"It all sounds perfect." He whispered making the hairs on the back of my neck stand.
"It's a shame it is a reality only meant for our fantasies."
The music dulled out and the 'click' of the tape signalled an end to it. This indeed would be the end.
The last dance, the last memory I would have of us two. There would be no Fiji, no house along the beach, no little replica of myself and Syaoran, no us…
As if the weight of all my sorrow collapsed, I felt the emotional pain rise from my toes, to my knees, to my stomach. It then put a strain on my heart which as a result, caused an uncontrollable shaking all over me.
"I'm sorry Sakura, I told you I'd keep my promise, I told you I wouldn't hurt you again but I did, I'm so, so sorry."
Everyone seemed to be sorry, sorry for this mess. I clenched my jaw shut so hard to keep every syllable locked inside my mouth. Don't cry Sakura, You have to stop crying for him; don't let him see you like this.
"We can still have it Sakura, Just say the word, just say it and we'll leave now, tonight."
I shook my head so hard that strands of my hair fell forward to shield my watering eyes. I so badly wanted to tell him yes, yes take me away from all this. Let's be selfish, let's leave it all despite the consequences! But I couldn't live that way just knowing how it would leave things. Even thought he was confident, and I know he'd leave it all for me, he'd live with the guilt and some sort of shame knowing what he sacrificed and the shame it brought to his family. Not to mention the fact that we would not be happy.
Everyday would be a constant battle between my conscience and morals. I was not made of stone, nor could I live in denial. I wish I could. God I wish I could have the ability to simply not care. But I did.
He swayed me even with the absence of music. The pain inside and the battle not to cry was possibly the worst physical pain I ever felt. It was like all that hours spent wondering why he didn't want me, why we couldn't be together, every tear, every cry came back to hit me with a single blow, and it hurt.
I was thankful for this darkness to shadow my pathetic state.
I felt his hand run through my hair softly kissing my head. Not in the way a lover would kiss another, but more soothing, like a friend would comfort a friend. I couldn't control my shaking. This was all killing me.
Why did I come here? Out of all the men in the world, why did I have to love Syaoran Li? Why did I have to love him? Why!
"Sakura, its ok, you can cry."
I refused, I refused to become weak I…I…
My legs gave way but he supported both our bodies. I stood half-loose in his hold crying louder and harder then I ever did. My hands clawed into his back like they were determined to never let him go. I glued myself to him wanting to remember what it felt like to hold him, be in his arms. My body, which one harboured some restraint suddenly became something that strived for him.
I needed him. He was my everything and soon he will be gone, claimed by another who couldn't possibly love him like I did. I'll never get over him will I? At that moment I doubted I would not walk a day without out seeing the face of Syaoran… my Syaoran.
On and on I wept. When I thought I was done a new wave of tears unleashed themselves accompanied by loud cries muffled only because my head was buried so far into his chest.
My knees could no longer support my body at all but he didn't complain to keep me upright in his strong arms.
He remained strong. I believed I wept for both of us. The pain…the pain was so immense I truly believed my heart had not broken; but had shattered into a million pieces never to be put back together again. There was no warmth in me, just an emptiness that only he could fill.
"It's was always you Sakura. Always know that. It doesn't matter whom I marry…it was always suppose to be you…"
He lulled so sweetly which made this even harder to absorb.
This was it now, our final goodbye. Would I ever see his perfect face again? Or would this be the last picture I'd carve into my mind and in a few years, struggle to picture.
"I love you Sakura. It was always you." He sealed this with a kiss on my forehead.
I wanted to say this back to him. I wanted to say so much to him, everything. I wanted to spill my world to him. But my throat was dry, rasp and unable to produce the right words.
The hardest thing to do was to slip away from his arms. The cold touched my skin harshly and without his touch I felt so empty, as if I let go of a part of me.
"Goodbye…Syaoran." I whispered quietly.
My eyes absorbed every last feature on his face, his eyes, his nose his mouth…
This is how I would remember him., not for the pain, or the heartbreak but God-like and beautiful like he always was to me both inside and out.
I slipped away through the shadows and out into the exposure of the moonlight. Down the cobblestone path I walked with my eyes forward and not daring to even glance back for fear that if I did, I would never escape this.
The pain still lingered around my heart choking it. A pain like this couldn't last forever could it? I prayed that the things that were said tonight would remain a secret to the walls that heard us.
A pain like this will pass over time… it had to….it just had to…
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
I know you all want me to get on with the wedding and all that but don't worry I will! I just wanted to tie some things together in this one.
I realised that I've only one more update to make and then I'm finished this fanfic! I think I'm going to update the next final two chapters together so it'll be a while!
Anyway many thanks' for the reviews!
R&R
Coming up next… the wedding….