Chapter 17
Step1:
"They will be here in about…now," Alice leapt off the floor and went to answer the door. Everyone in the living room stood up to greet the visiting vamps. Puhlease. I bet they'd expect me to be a bit scared or something. Yea right.
I saw Aro, Marcus and Caius slowly step into the room. A few from their guard stayed outside the house cautiously looking around. I got off of Paul's comfy lap and pulled him up with me. He was trying to take defensive pose in front of me and I could feel how tense he was form his tight grip on my hand.
"Paul take a chill pill! I'm going to be fine," I stepped up on my tippy toes to give him a kiss. He relaxed a little bit but held his protective stance. I rolled my eyes and stepped forward to the Volturi.
"Heey," I grinned and looked at all of them closely, squinting. Hmmmmmm.
"Esme, who is this…strange person," Aro asked.
"My apologies. Allow me to introduce Allison, she is a new addition to our family," Esme kept a calm, stoic face, but I totally knew she was slightly nervous. I know my Mama Cullen well, thank you. Aro held out his hand for Esme to take and she did, reluctantly.
"Ah! I see. She is that young shape shifters imprint," said Aro completely at ease.
"But how can you stand to be so close to the stench of those creatures! They are also our kinds fatal enemy!" yelled grumpy Caius.
"Jeez what's got your granny panties in a twist? Are you going through male menopause or something! And Paul smells perfectly fine!" I scowled at the annoying vamps.
All the Cullen's were trying to hold in their laughter, but Emmett being Emmett, burst out laughing. Caius got a really scary look on his face. It was the scariest thing in the fricking world. I leaned back against Paul and put on my pouty face. Suddenly the whole family was standing protectively in front of me. Bella was pushed back behind them as well. She looked slightly worried and when she looked at me I shrugged.
"Guys," I started pushing my way into the front of the crowd. Paul tried holding me back but I just pulled him with me.
"I appreciate all the love, but come on we have guests!" I gestured to the Volturi and as I was about to pull my arm back Aro quickly grabbed onto my hand.
"AAAAAHHHHH!" I yelled completely freaked out, "MIND RAPE! HELP ME! MIND RAPIST GET AWAY FROM ME!"
Step 2:
Things had calmed down a bit after that. I was still a little shaken up about the mind rape. Ugh. I got shivers every time I thought about it. I mean, it was fine when Edward read my mind because he wouldn't be able to see every single thought, but Aro saw everything. He had apologized about a billion kajillion times and I heard him muttering about a childish mind. I have absolutely no idea how he came up with such a ridiculous thought about me. I was currently cuddled up with Paul, my favorite unicorn blankey covering us. There is nothing childish about a unicorn blankey! Anyways, I was thinking about my REVENGE! Nobody mind rapes me and gets away with it.
"I sense a very crazy plan brewing in that evil mind of yours," Paul smiled and kissed my forehead.
"Of course!" I smiled, "They have no idea what is going to happen to them," I pulled out the purse of evil from behind the couch.
"That wasn't there before."
"I have my ways Paul. I have my ways….," I trailed off.
******
After a small stop in bath and body works, Paul and I headed home. I was going to start out small in my plans. The Volturi where going to be staying with us for the whole day, because according to the party poopers, I need a strict person to keep me under control. Yea right.
We arrived back at the house were Esme was playing hostess to the old vampires. I had left my camera on the coffee table and had bought a cute little remote that controlled it!
"I'm home!" I ran into the living room dragging Paul behind me. I reached into my bag and pulled out some lotion. "So Aro. I noticed that your skin is papery looking and it seems a bit dry to me. Sooooo. TADA!" I showed them the lotion I had gotten.
"It is very effective on old people! And I thought the name of the lotion would be ironic. I mean who names a lotion Bitten by Vampires? But anyways, it's for your freaky pale and dry skin. So you won't freak anyone else out." I handed it to Aro.
"We are not that old," Marcus said in an old people voice. I rolled my eyes.
"Sure thing grandpa," I said.
Step 3:
"Are you sure they are outside?" I asked again.
"They are on the porch in the shade but the sun is out. You should be good," Paul readjusted the camera and yelled, "ACTION!"
I ran into the sunlight covered in so much glitter, it put Ke$ha to shame, "Look at me! I'm sparkley! YEA!" I ran in circles and fell in a lifeless heap in the floor.
"Is she alright?" asked Aro getting closer. Quickly I squirted him with glitter glue, "Now you're even more sparkly!"
Step 4:
Caius was sitting in the kitchen, fascinated by all the food Esme was cooking and asking stupid questions. I heard him ask why they had to make the milk cold in the fridge. Come on that was just stupid.
I walked in and stood in front of him with a wide smile.
"What," he asked in a very nasty voice. I opened my mouth and took a deep breath.
"I know something you don't know! I know something your don't know!" I kept singing. After a while he asked, "What is it?" I looked at him in confusion.
"I don't know. I thought you knew."
Step 5:
"This is the song that goes on forever. This is the song that never ends. This is the song that goes on forever and this is how it goes! This is the song that goes on forever. This is the song that never ends. This is the song that goes on forever and this is how it goes! This is the song that-"
"WHY ME!" yelled Aro. I had been singing my favorite song for over an hour and at first he pretended not to hear me. The he got slightly irritated. And now he had finally had enough.
I turned around and had my serious face on.
"Because you're damned and God hates you."
Step 6:
This was going to be way to easy. I had my camera on my hat. It was an adventure hat! I was dressed in camouflage clothing. I looked super awesome. The Volturi were still outside with Esme and now it was cloudy. As soon as Esme went inside for something I jumped into the bushes and turned on the camera. I put on my best Australian accent. Like the dude that was always on the discovery channel but then an eel killed him. RIP Australian dude.
"Crikey! These are old vampires in their natural habitat. Notice the very dry and pale skin and the weird creepy eyes. Searching for an innocent victim." Caius turned toward were I was and glared, "oh wait they spotted me….and they don't look happy.."
***time passed…~('-')~…time passed***
Now for as long as the Volturi have been here, I have noticed something…they are meanys and don't know how to have any fun. So Paul and I would gladly show them how to loosen up.….well mostly just me. Paul had to run patrol last night so he was super tired. Poor Paul…I should make him a pie! YEA! so when he wakes up I'll go over to his house and give him the pie and he'll say 'thanks Allison you are the best girlfriend a silly wolf like me could ever have. I love you and this amazing pie you made just for me' and then I'll be like 'oh it's no biggie, but u gotta share the pie' it would be the bestest thing ever! Now I just have to learn how to make a pie. Think, think, think…
"Allison what the hell is up with your face?"
I looked up and glared at Emmett, "It's my thinking face! Gosh!"
"Well what are you thinking about so hard that it looks like you need a bathroom?" he laughed.
I scowled, "I have to learn how to make a pie."
"I know how to make pies!" he grinned.
"YAY! Can you teach me how? I want to make a pie for Paul so he'll know that he's a silly wolf that needs to share pie with me!" I smiled widely.
"Umh…I don't understand exactly what you mean by that, but sure I'll teach you!"
AWESOME! This would be the best pie in the whole entire big wide world! It would be so fantazing (that's fantastic and amazing) that it could rule the world! PERFECT! MUAHAHAHAH! cough. splutter. ugh my throat.
AN: Some of you have told me that there are lists for annoying the cullens that have these steps just not as descriptive. so I wanted to say that some of these are NOT mine. I have no idea who came up with them, but they are awesome! XD
Also….Didn't take as long as last time! :D yay! and tomorrows my birthday and I have to start my homework for A.P. classes :/ booooo! so I'll take a bit longer to upload another chapter, but I'll try really super duper hard to not take a month. review if u wanna see Emmett with a pink apron and messing up Esme's kitchen! 3