Chapter 59
``Good gracious!'' cried Mrs. Bennet, as she stood at a window the next morning, ``if that disagreeable Mr. Darcy is not coming here again with our dear Bingley! What can he mean by being so tiresome as to be always coming here? I had no notion but he would go a-shooting, or something or other, and not disturb us with his company. What shall we do with him? Lizzy, you must walk out with him again, that he may not be in Bingley's way.''
Elizabeth ...was really vexed that her mother should be always giving him such an epithet.
As soon as they entered, Bingley proposed another walk.
``I advise Mr. Darcy, and Lizzy, and Kitty,'' said Mrs. Bennet, ``to walk to Oakham Mount this morning. It is a nice long walk, and Mr. Darcy has never seen the view.''
...Kitty owned that she had rather stay at home. Darcy professed a great curiosity to see the view from the Mount, and Elizabeth silently consented. As she went up stairs to get ready, Mrs. Bennet followed her, saying,
``I am quite sorry, Lizzy, that you should be forced to have that disagreeable man all to yourself. But I hope you will not mind it: it is all for Jane's sake, you know; and there is no occasion for talking to him, except just now and then. So, do not put yourself to inconvenience.''
They were not out of sight of the house before Mr Darcy began in earnest. "You will forgive me for returning to another serious conversation with so little a precursor, but I cannot allow you to blame yourself entirely, to forgive me so readily. I had treated you abominably. What did you say of me that I did not deserve? Your..." he sighed, "Your brother-in-law aside, my behaviour to you at the time was unpardonable. I should be asking your forgiveness – in fact, as I'm unlikely to find such another opening..."
"Perhaps we should not argue for the greater share of blame annexed to that evening."
He seemed unwilling to leave the subject behind but did not say so directly.
"The conduct of neither, if strictly examined, will be irreproachable; but since then, we have both, I hope, improved in civility." She hoped that would appease his strict sense of justice.
"I cannot be so easily reconciled to myself. But I will say no more."
They walked on in silence, both watching, and trying not to watch, Jane and Bingley, who walked ahead of them. She thought of his referencing Wickham as her brother-in-law. The reminder was most unwelcome – just as she felt a friendship with Mr Darcy might be possible, she was forced to remember that even a friendship would be a lot to ask or expect. She could certainly never hope for more. He was not so proud as she had once thought, but he was not about to welcome Wickham as a brother. She found herself hoping for the friendship he seemed to offer in his evident hope she befriend his sister, and in the next moment she wondered if it was wise. She could not deny that he intrigued her, he had earned her admiration and respect, her gratitude. He was truly a good man, one she had come to value too late. Befriending him now might always, and only, be a painful reminder of her own foolishness, of what could never be, and of what, she must now admit to herself, if never to anyone else, she greatly regretted rejecting.
"Are you well, Miss Bennet?" The subject of her thoughts interrupted them.
"I am sorry. Yes, I am well – only a poor companion this morning."
"You are certain you are well?"
She nodded and smiled.
"You need hardly apologise to me for a lapse in conversation, Miss Bennet."
She laughed. "See now? That is just how to do self-deprecation."
"Ah, but I was not teasing."
"Oh. Well, I will be a willing object if you wish to practise."
"I am not sure I am ready for that. It would be as if a beginner were to play chess against a master – neither gain anything from the exchange. The beginner is embarrassed, confused, and learns nothing, while the master is frustrated, confused, and..."
She watched him, waited for the end of his statement, but it was not forthcoming. "And dismayed?"
"That is almost a synonym for frustrated and confused."
"But you need a third descriptor for rhetorical purposes. Amused?"
"That would be more likely. You find great amusement in my faults."
"And we are back to your faults again. They are not so great as to take up so much of our conversation. If laughing at faults must be our subject, and it is a good starting place for a lesson in teasing, then let our object be some other acquaintance."
"Tell me where lies the boundary between teasing and mockery. Is it fair to 'tease' one not here to defend themselves?"
"No. You are right. And there is a very fine line. You are right to check me."
"Perhaps I was teasing you."
She laughed. "I'm not certain you need my help then."
"I was practising."
She noticed he looked a little proud of himself, but in a charmng, child-like way. She tore her eyes from his handsome face – no, not only handsome. There was more than that, or she would not have needed to tear her eyes away. He was not merely handsome. He was dear. And he was out of reach.
"My Aunt would probably not approve in this instance."
Elizabeth smiled, brought back to the conversation. "I cannot imagine her advice on teasing. She, no doubt, already thinks me impertinent."
"I thought she liked you."
"She has an interesting way of expressing it."
"A family trait." He countered.
She laughed.
"Was that it – teasing and self-deprecation in one?"
"In one."
"All I needed was a proper object."
"Lady Catherine would be glad to have been of use." Elizabeth added.
"So long as she needn't know for what she was... used."
"I think I can safely promise to never tell her."
They fell into a companionable silence, both with plenty to think on – Darcy congratulating himself on making her laugh, on a step in the right direction, wondering if it was too soon to ask her again, believing it must be and wondering how he would ever find the courage to do so, and at the same time uncertain how he would ever find the patience to not ask her directly. Elizabeth's mind was less agreeably engaged – in regret and self-reproach. Being with him like this, talking and laughing with ease, only reinforced her growing certainty that he was exactly what she might have ever hoped for in a partner in life.
Weary of her thoughts, she tentatively began another conversation, "Do you plan to stay in the neighbourhood until the wedding?"
"No. I have business to attend to in town. But Georgiana will be glad of the opportunity to return with me. She will be most anxious to attend Bingley's wedding."
Elizabeth smiled at that, glad of further evidence that a match between Mr Bingley and Miss Darcy was entirely the makings of Caroline Bingley's jealous imagination.
"I confess I am looking forward to having her with me."
"I am quite envious. My dearest sister will soon be much less available to me."
"Netherfield is conveniently located then."
"Indeed. But it won't be the same."
"No." He smiled wickedly, "A good excuse for a walk, perhaps."
She laughed. "What you must have though of me."
"No ill on my part, I assure you. Your affection for your sister was admirable."
"I am due no merit there. But tell me – what did Miss Bingley say on the occasion?"
He laughed, "something about the mud on your dress."
She cringed and turned away.
"She was the only one who noticed."
"In that instance perhaps. I have something of a reputation for... how would my mother put it? Willful independence? I have never been happy indoors for too many hours together and with so many sisters..." she sighed, uncertain how to go on, "Peace and solace were not always available within the walls of Longbourne."
"I am spoilt for peace and solace. There is by no means a shortage of it within the walls of my home, as you can imagine, but I tend to ride out nonetheless."
"Even Pemberley cannot compete with God's creation."
"Indeed." He smiled and wondered at his good fortune, knowing that, should he win Elizabeth's hand, he could never doubt the sincerity of her affections. Had she wanted wealth and status, she would never have refused him at Hunsford. Since his first exposure to the ton, he had feared being taken in. That fear had no doubt reinforced his natural reserve and contributed to the poor impression he'd made in Hertfordshire. He found himself strangely grateful for Elizabeth's rejection of his suit and wondered if he could ever have acknowledged the feeling without some glimmer of hope that a second proposal might one day be accepted. One day.
The next time he visited Longbourne, his Sister joined him. In a week Jane and Bingley would marry, and Elizabeth found herself fleeing the house more and more regularly, always a willing chaperone on a walk if it meant escaping her mother, and scarcely found within for more than meals and visitors. So it happened that Elizabeth was out when Mr and Miss Darcy came to call.
The following day, Elizabeth and Jane took the carriage to Netherfield, to return the call. Miss Bingley was eager in her manners, too eager to be believed, Elizabeth thought. They were shown to the parlour and Miss Darcy stood, shy but clearly happy to see the guests. Once the usual queries and answers were made, Elizabeth became nervous. Miss Bingley, as hostess, guided the conversation, and amidst all the talk of wedding preparations, Elizabeth feared the mention of Lydia and her new husband.
The subject turned to after the wedding and Miss Bingely graciously acknowledged that she would soon relinquish her role as hostess at Netherfield, asking Jane if she or Miss Darcy could be of any assistance in the transition, only vaguely aluding to Miss Bennet's inexperience in running a household. Jane took up the opportunity to ask a few questions, specific to Netherfield, and Miss Darcy turned from her conversation to address Elizabeth.
"We were sorry to lose your company in August. I hope all is well."
Elizabeth was surprised for a moment, then nodded. "It is. I too was sorry to leave you so abruptly, but it could not be helped. Did you remain there for the summer?"
"I did. But my guests did not, and my brother had business in town."
Elizabeth felt half-sick at knowing the nature of his 'business' and Miss Darcy's necessary ignorance of it. She had feared Caroline's disclosure and never considered Miss Darcy would be so close to touching on it herself.
"He returned as soon as he was able, but much as I love my home, two weeks with little company renders the house far too large."
"Yes, it would. You must have been eager for London."
"For family and friends, yes. For the city?" She shook her head.
Elizabeth smiled. "Then you and I are in agreement."
"You prefer the country?"
"Absolutely. Though I rarely go to London, and enjoy it heartily for the week or two I am there, I am glad I can always come home to muddy fields and trees and rocks."
"And the wide open sky." Miss Darcy added enthusiastically, then blushed.
"Exactly." Elizabeth reached out and touched her arm, reassuring her. "To see for miles in every direction and breath good, fresh air. To know that no one can see me, should I feel the sudden need to run or spin in circles."
"Or cartwheel." Miss Darcy laughed.
That drew the jealous attention of Miss Bingley who joined the conversation and heartily agreed that the outdoors was far superior to within.
"I have seen little of Netherfield's gardens," Miss Darcy hesitantly suggested, "Perhaps we might take tea out of doors today."
"It is a beautiful day," Elizabeth agreed.
"But so cold, and there is a breeze which makes the chill much worse." Caroline took command, "No, we cannot risk your health so, Miss Darcy. And dear Jane, we could not have you ill only days before your wedding. No, indeed. Perhaps another day."
Miss Darcy seemed to deflate a little, and looked down. When she looked up Elizabeth smiled at her.
Their visit soon ended with wishes and promises of varying sincerity that they would meet again before the wedding.