A/N: Again I beg your forgiveness as this is quiet RAW and UNBETA-ED! My Beta still hasn't gotten in contact with me for a while now so I think the next couple of chapters will be UNBETA-ED until my beta does actually get into contact with me. This is part of what I had planned for this chapter but once I realize that it was bordering unto 8/9 pages I decided to pull it to a stop at where I did and I hope that you don't hate me for cutting it there. I WILL be posting up the next chapter earlier this week as well as another one on saturday; or at least that is the plan. Remember for the past part I am trying to keep this as closly as possible to cannon - so Severus is in love with Lily, and Lily is finding it hard to forgive Severus for calling her the 'M' word - and I will continue to keep it as close to cannon as possible through the rest of the book! Please enjoy and don't hate me for putting the characters through these tough situations; FACING THEIR FEELINGS! hehehe okay I'll stop blubbering now and let you read! Enjoy!
Chapter 10 – Truth be Told
Rose found herself making her way towards the library again after having dinner with her friends. She knew that she had work to do, homework that she had to catch up on since her little 'fainting' accident. She knew that she had to do these things but she couldn't focus, couldn't control her mind; nor the thoughts threatening to break down her walls.
Rose walked in a daze from the great hall to the library; as she tried to keep the thoughts swarming around her mind out of her head. It was as she was entering into the library's study area that she saw the raven haired boy sitting at a table in the far corner against the wall; his back turned to her and the rest of the world as if he was trying to escape it and knowing Severus, he probably was.
Rose made her way over to Severus's table and sat down across from him, dropping her book bag as she did. Severus's look of scorn quickly surpassed by joy did not escape her and Rose felt herself smiling at the fact that Severus was happy to see her again.
"Hey, don't look at me like that. I told you, you'd be seeing me later." Rose said smirking slightly at his incredulous look. Severus smirked slightly too, remembering that she did, in fact say as much when they were talking earlier that morning.
"So you did." Severus replied softly, his thoughts straying from the transfiguration essay he had been trying to complete to the girl sitting in front of him.
"So what are you up to?" Rose asked wondering what Severus was doing alone in the library in the first place.
"Trying to avoid the world; do you know of Lily Evans?" Severus asked, his onyx eyes smouldering with pain as his voice cracked over the red-headed girl's name.
Rose knew that this wasn't a time to tease Severus but she couldn't help it. "Seeing as that I share a bedroom with her, I'd say yes I know Lily Evans." Rose replied. Severus' smile at Rose's teased last for all of thirty seconds before it vanished again.
"We used to be best friends up until last year. I said something horrible to her, something that she couldn't forgive me for. And not only won't she recognize my existence, she plays tonsil hockey with Potter but I think I may be in love with her." Severus replied his voice cracking, a small sob barely escaping from his quivering lips. Rose could see the agony etched into every line of his face, and when he finally looked up she could see the pain smouldering in his eyes.
"Am I wrong to hate him, to want her? Am I wrong to love the only person that has ever cared for me?" Severus asked seeking comfort in his new friend. Rose didn't know what to say, didn't know how to react to Severus's revelation but she knew that he was dying for anyone's comfort, for anyone to understand and Rose suddenly realized that Severus needed her to be that person.
Rose instantly reached out for his hand, holding it in his and making him look up into her eyes, making sure that she had his whole attention. "Severus, it's not a crime to love anyone nor to hate anyone. I understand why you hate James, and even though I don't know Lily that well I can understand your love for her as well. What I can't understand is why you're punishing yourself for feeling? Feeling is what makes us human, if we didn't feel we wouldn't be any better than you-know-who." Rose said, trying to comfort Severus. She could see the flash of understanding in his intelligent eyes even though the pained look didn't leave them.
"You're probably right Rose but that doesn't change the fact that Lily is with fucking perfect Potter," Severus sneered the fire rekindling in his eyes. Rose let out a laugh; Severus had no idea if he thought Potter was perfect.
"Let me tell you something about James Potter; but you can't tell anyone." Rose said her eyes flashing with mirth; she didn't mind taking James down a few notches if she could cheer Severus up. Severus was reluctant, he was positive that whatever Rose had to say about Potter would be worth sharing with his Slytherin friends but he reluctantly agreed not to tell anyone.
"Excellent; well first James used to wet the bed until he was eight and a half years old." Rose said snickering slightly; she could see the disbelief in Severus's eyes. "I can show you the evidence that I used to find if you like," Rose said starting to pull off one of her gloves so Severus knew what she meant. Severus smirked slightly and Rose took this as confirmation that he wanted to see the memory, so Rose pulled off the glove that she had started to pull off and placed her hand on the table - palm up – reaching across the expanse for Severus's hand.
Severus quickly held Rose's hand, gently caressing it as Rose drew them into the memory. Eight-year-old Rose looked out of her bedroom window, she could see the white sheet's hanging on the Potter's line, including James's favourite pair of flannel pyjamas and she could hear Mr Potter talking to her father about James' unfortunate habit of wetting the bed. Rose looked at James and she could see his fair skin take on a reddish hue around his cheeks; the poor boy was blushing because they could both hear their parent's talking about "James's unfortunate habit".
Severus was laughing once the memory had ended. He hadn't really been expecting her to listen to his problems, let alone try to comfort him but honestly he hadn't expected her to start telling mortifying fact's about bloody Potter. Rose smiled softly as she saw her friend's mirth – even though it was at James's expense – she softly rubbed her thumb into the back of Severus's hand, which he instantly froze at; Rose realized her mistake and tried to draw her hand away but Severus held on tighter to it.
"That's hilarious Rose." Severus smiled softly but then his smile vanished and Rose could sense that something wasn't quite right through his body language alone, without the added addition of his thoughts swirling around her.
"What's wrong?" Rose asked, trying to bring Severus back to the present she rubbed another circle into the back of his hand with her thumb. At her movement his onyx eyes refocused onto her and she could see his emotions – if not read them – deep in his eyes.
"You need to be careful Rose; I heard Narcissa Black and Lucius Malfoy and a couple known wannabe death eaters talking about you earlier on. They think that you would be use full for you-know-who and the death eaters. Just promise me that you'll be careful around them," Severus pleaded, his onyx eyes matching the tone in his voice. Rose could see the concern in her friend's eyes now and she smiled softly towards the boy.
"Of course I'll be careful." Rose reassured him but she knew that if Narcissa was going to accept her offer to 'help out' with planning the Halloween Ball that she wouldn't be able to avoid the girl – nor her sister - completely.
Severus and Rose continue to study in silence until Madame Pince came around reminding them that she was about to close the library and that they ought to leave. The Slytherin and the Gryffindor made their way out of the library in companionable silence and it wasn't until they reached the stairs that they paused.
"Goodnight Severus," Rose said before the raven haired boy could escape to the dungeons below. Severus picked up Rose's gloved hand - the same one that he had been holding earlier – and in an unusual act of being a gentleman kissed the girls hand, his eyes stayed locked with hers as he pulled her hand towards his mouth.
"Goodnight Rose," Severus replied as he let go of her gloved hand before making his way back down stairs towards the Slytherin common room in the dungeons.
Rose quickly found herself in the corridor that leads up to the Gryffindor tower. She could see a familiar figure outside of the portrait and she hoped that it wasn't anyone she knew particularly well; but knowing her luck it probably was. As she drew nearer she could see his light brown hair and when he sensed her approach she could see his amber eyes flashing dangerously; in this light – and with the full moon a night away; tomorrow night in fact – he looked incredibly dangerous. Not that Remus being a werewolf was a possibility. No, he was too good, too kind to be anything like all the werewolf prats she knew but Rose had learned to be suspicious of all 'supernatural' through her years at W.I.C.C.A and it was obviously still an embedded habit deep within her mind; a habit that needed to be pruned out of her being.
"Hello Remus," Rose said politely though she could hear the cautionary tone her voice held; she only hoped that he couldn't hear it too. She didn't want him to think that she was afraid of him.
"I've looked all over the castle for you. From the top of the astronomy tower right down to the dungeons. Where were you?" Remus asked his eyes flashing dangerously again; his voice didn't rise or fall, it stayed steady but she could hear the accusing tone in his voice and even deeper behind it his concern for her as well.
"I was at the library," Rose confessed, though if Remus knew her like James did then he would haven known to look in the library first and foremost before he started looking anywhere else!
"That was the first place that I looked," Remus confessed his eyes softening for a moment before hardening again. "But you weren't there. So where were you?" Remus asked again. Rose almost let out a bark of laughter; of course Severus would have disillusioned them and put up a silencing charm before he divulged any of his feelings. Rose of course couldn't say this; she had a feeling that Remus would have been insanely jealous if he knew whom exactly had been her company tonight.
"I placed a disillusion charm over myself as well as a silencing and blocking charm. I wanted to catch up on the work that I've been behind on and I knew if anyone were to find me that I wouldn't be able to study. I'm sorry if I caused you any inconvenience." Rose confessed, it had been her plan for the night anyways before she had found Severus in the sorry state that he had been in.
"Oh," Remus said; there wasn't really that much for him to say but he was now feeling incredibly foolish for thinking that Rose was either in danger or planning – with the enemy – on putting his friends in danger.
It was a moment or two before any of them made a move. However it was Remus that moved first by making his way back inside where he knew his brothers – the other Marauders – were waiting for them.
Rose could see that James and Sirius were already deep in a game of wizard's chess in front of the fire, Peter Pettigrew and Mary sitting on the sidelines – again on the floor – watching the two boy's - who were like brothers – duelling each other in their friendly game. Lily was on one end of the couch and Alice and Frank were squished into one of the arm chairs, the two girls gossiping about some new trend displayed in the magazine in Alice's lap; Frank trying to stay out of the conversation as best as he could. Rose took the seat next to Lily and Remus the one beside her. Sirius and James looked up from their game to see who had come into the room and shot Remus a look that literally said 'well-make-a-move-she's-sitting-right-beside-you' which Rose completely missed although she could feel the direction their thoughts had turned even if she wasn't trying to hear them.
Rose spent the next half an hour simply enjoying the company of her friends, listening to Lily, Mary's and Alice's fashion trend gossiping, Sirius's and James easy banter over their game of wizard's chess and Frank and Remus's commentary not only on the two other boy's moves but on their banter as well. She could see that Peter was feeling left out but she didn't move to comfort the boy, she didn't know what was putting him out either but what really gave her pause was the dark feeling that surrounded the boy's thoughts, not darkness that was more so sadness but the darkness that she used to feel surrounding her mother's thoughts and this troubled Rose.
When she sensed that the three girl's discussion on witches fashion Rose finally spoke up, penetrating her silence for the almost full hour that had just passed. "I just wanted to let you know Lil's that I talked to the Black sisters, literally had a run in with them, and they said that they'd consider our proposal." Rose said sitting up straight and turning towards the red-head that she was speaking to. Lily gave out a squeal of excitement. She couldn't believe that they were actually considering helping the committee out. Lily knew that if she had asked them that not only would have refused profoundly but they would also call her that horrible name that all Slytherin's applied to muggleborns. Lily let out a frustrated sigh, she hated it when her thoughts slinked back to Sev, no he was no longer Sev, she couldn't think of him as 'Sev' anymore; He was Severus fucking Snape now, he had broken her trust, their friendship and all because he had called her that bloody word. He had called her a 'mudblood' – she shivered just thinking it – and it had broken her heart to hear her best-friend call her that god-awful name. He was just another Slytherin like all the rest of them, and she could no longer see him as 'Sev' anymore.
Rose looked over to Lily who had gone from excited to miserable in all three seconds flat. Rose was almost positive that she was thinking of Severus and when Rose quickly prodded Lily's mind she found that she was right. "Lily, are you alright?" Rose asked seeing the distress on her friend's face. Lily was brought back to reality when Rose spoke to her and she smiled softly at Rose.
"I'm fine," Lily lied and Rose could tell her lie from her thoughts. "Just thinking about all the homework that the professors have given us," Lily replied, trying to brush Rose's concern off.
"So have you decided on what the theme for the ball is going to be?" Rose asked, Lily almost visibly brightened at the mention of the ball and she went off prattling about all the ideas that she had come up with.
"Well I like the idea of either a Masquerade ball or we could dress up in costumes that 'came to life' or it could just be a non-costume thing, you know like a formal attire with dresses and dress robes for the guys. So what do you think?" Lily said looking from Rose to Alice, and from Alice to Mary, wanting the opinions of her new best-friends (although Lily had been friends with Alice and Mary ever since she came to Hogwarts).
"Well I like the Masquerade idea Lils," Rose said, Mary and Alice gave her dubious looks before Mary spoke up. "Well I like the costumes coming to life idea, I mean we could dress like a fairy and fly without a broom or we could dress up like a vampire and have real fangs, or we could dress up like a ghost and well turn into a ghost."
"Well I just like the idea of wearing a nice dress," Alice said in her soft voice, Frank giving her a loving kiss on the check.
"Well I like the idea of a Masquerade best; it's romantic and you never knew who's behind what mask! But I guess we'll have to have a vote with the rest of the committee." Lily said before standing up and yawning loudly, her dainty hand coming up to cover up her mouth.
"Well I'm going to go to bed, I'm exhausted." Lily said before saying goodnight to everyone. Rose followed quickly behind Lily knowing that she wanted to talk to her about Severus before she actually went to sleep. Rose knew that Lily was aware of her presence, aware that Rose was following her but Rose waited until they were both in their dorm room until she popped the question to Lily.
"Lily can I ask you something?" Rose asked once she had sent a silent silencing and locking charm towards the door. Lily looked neverous for a second before placing a smile back onto her plush lips.
"Sure Rose, what's up?" Lily asked sitting down on her bed. Rose made her way over to her bed as well before sitting down on it.
"I was talking to Severus tonight and he told me that he said something unforgivable to you. He was really upset about it but he wouldn't tell me what happened. I was wondering if you could tell me what happen," Rose said softly not in an abusing tone but one that soothed Lily as much as it was questioning.
"I suppose so, but you can't tell anybody what I'm about to tell you," Lily replied her voice faltering even in her soft whispering tone. Lily's green eyes flashed with hue and worry but Rose quickly assured her with a smirk on her face that she could keep a secret.
"Well you see it was just as we were finishing our last O.W.L exam, I was probably the few last one's out of the great hall - that was where we had the exam you see - and I had watched Severus try to get out of their as quickly as he could, the Marauders weren't that far ahead of him and I knew that if they saw him there would be trouble for Severus," Lily explained taking a deep breath before continuing "So I followed them but I was too late! By the time that I got there Severus was hanging upside down his robes hanging around his head, screaming ad swearing at James to put him down, Sirius and Peter hanging around I could see Remus a fair bit off not wanting to get caught in the mess of things but too cowardly to stand up to his friends but that didn't bother me, it was the smirk on James's face as if he was enjoying Severus's torture that really set me off. So I was yelling and swearing at James as well; I asked James, out of frustration, why he always picked on Severus and he told me that it was simply because 'he existed'. I tried to tell James to stop and Severus, I still can't believe that he said it; he said 'I don't need help from a filthy mudblood'. He called me a mudblood Rose, the worse name that you can call a 'muggleborns'. So you see I can't forgive him, Rose." Lily's story was over and Rose felt worse than ever, she could see the memory playing over in Lily's minds and it was so strong that Rose could see it in her own mind. Rose didn't know what to say, she had nothing to say in Severus's defence, and she had no words of comfort for Lily who was clearly still hurting over the betrayal.
"I'm sorry Lily," was all that Rose could say. Her eyes met Lily's in the small distance between them.
"It's quiet alright Rose, I know that he didn't mean it, I just can't forgive him, he's simply not the boy that I use to know. I'm going to go to sleep, I'm exhausted," Lily said softly turning away from Rose and hiding underneath her blankets. Rose remembered to un-do the spells she had placed on the room before laying down underneath her own blankets, the crimson and gold curtain shut tightly but Rose couldn't sleep, it avoiding her unlike anything she'd ever know, feeling sorry for Severus and Lily; the couple that never was and would never be.
Rose feel asleep her mind on her own troubles, her mother, Remus, Severus and the mysterious raven haired man of her dreams and the snake like man that tortured her in her own dreams; Rose feel asleep with one word on her lips, a word that couldn't escape her "Love," the greatest weapon of them all.
A/N2: Last week's title was taken from "Taking Chances" the Glee Cover of the Celien Dion song by the same title. I had intionally intended to call this chapter either "Lily's Worse Memory" or "Their Pain" but both seem to be focusing on one point rather than the whole "idea" for this chapter. Please remember to review guys if you liked this chapter and I apologize for not sending out previews this week, I spent all of today writing this chapter as I have been focusing on NaNoWriMo all week (something I am considering pulling out of to keep my comitment to you guys and this novel). So please leave me some reviews to let me know how much you guys love/hate this story and just to make my day ^.^ Until next time my fellow potterheads!