Diary of an Evil Overlord Chapter 2
July 1st: I can't see properly today, so forgive my sloppy writing.
You see, I have employed a talking mirror to assist me in my daily duties. Apparently though, the SVU (Sentient Vanities Union) was holding a strike. So my mirror believed it could do anything it damn wanted, and be protected by the concepts of 'democracy' and 'free speech'.
But it shut up pretty bloodyquickly as it was hanging over a giant bottomless pit in the middle of my palace (a nice touch, I think. 300 stole the idea from me)!
But the reason I can't see is that after my mirror got what it deserved, the other sla-employees decided to quit work today. Including my makeup-applying kit.
I can't live when my freckles are on show! I can't do anything! So I have dipped my entire head in foundation. I can't see and I can't eat, but at least nobody can see my freckles.
July 3rd: My employees are still in hiding. Useless buffoons.
I have taken to applying purple paint to my skin, and I must say I like the effect. It makes me feel … distinguished.
July 4th: I received a letter from my aunt today. It reads the following:
Debbie Darling!
How are you? Why have you never responded to my letters? (Because you creep me out) It makes your uncle and me very sad, you know. (Good.) To be honest, we haven't heard from you since you moved out after your parents died. It's very lucky for you that we survived though. (Matter of opinion) Who else would have provided you with (too much) loving guidance?
Do you have a girlfriend yet, honey? (Holy crap, no!) If so, are there any plans for little Debbie-lets to be running around? (Will you continue to ask me that every time you send a letter?) Oh, I must come and visit you sometime. And I'll bring your favourite blanket and picture book, and it'll just be like old times… etcetera, etcetera
I need my employees back. I cannot face this.
July 5th: No luck with finding employees. My old domestics have apparently spread rumours about me, such as that I sleep with a pink teddy bear. That is an absolute LIE – Bobo is blue!
To make matters worse, I have still not found a replacement for my second-in-command. Every other Bokoblin I know is a complete moron. The other one wasn't much better, so I guess I COULD find a replacement somewhere.
My trusty weapon, Mr Twinkles the pool noodle, has snapped in half. The only place I can get another is Lake Floria. And those idiotic sea horsey things have an issue with my 'tyranny'. I fear that they may convince others to rise up against me now that I have no weapon.
I must get another, and quickly.
The idea of a sword is popular amongst the minions. I have commissioned the blacksmith to make one for me. Threatening to dangle him over my 300-esque giant pit, the costs have been drastically reduced (it's free!) and I get the added bonus of my replacement Mr Twinkles appearing instantly in my hand whenever it's ready.
July 8th: I have scratched out a tentative reply to my aunt's letter. There's a strange sticky-thing on the back of it. I am very confused.
I have found an innovative solution to all my employment troubles! Zombie Bokoblins! I shall post them in every dungeon! And nobody shall be able to get past them! My genius rivals that of Wile. E. Coyote!
I knew I could do it.
There is just one problem though. None of my minions know how to stick a somewhat rotten head back onto a body. Maybe Superglue?
July 10th: Holy crap, my zombie leader is creeping me out.
…He's nibbling Bobo …