Chapter 18 – Friend of the Devil
"I never thought I'd say this," Meg remarked as she panted through another wave of pain, "but you could really go places in hell. Maybe you should consider relocating. I'm impressed," she admitted, managing a pained laugh when Castiel seemed taken aback by that statement. "Seriously, color me shocked. Who'd have thought that the angel with the world's largest stick up his ass could've taught Alistair a few new tricks?"
"Do you have any more names?" Castiel asked angrily.
"No," she snapped back defiantly. "I've told you everything. You can go ahead and kill me now. I'm done with it all anyway. Once you've finished wiping out the few of us still loyal to our father, there's no point in sticking around this shithole. You won," she said bitterly. "Bravo. It's been a fantastic show. You should seriously be up for an Oscar, because your sanctimonious act even had me fooled. I never suspected you'd get in bed with Crowley and I'm guessing the Winchesters are even more gullible, especially Dean. That sentimental sap would never suspect the guardian angel who pulled him from the pit is actually the King of Hell's little bitch. Too bad I won't be around to see the fallout."
"You should show me some respect," he growled, "instead of speaking of things you do not understand. You're an abomination. I am an angel," he emphasized proudly.
Meg smirked. If she was going out, she was going out with the last word.
"So was Lucifer," she reminded him with a triumphant grin.
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"It's an abomination," Giles said as he gazed in distaste at the greasy, rectangular piece of pizza on his plate. He normally didn't dine in the cafeteria with the girls. Now he remembered why.
"You don't like school pizza?" Xander asked in surprise. "Call it nostalgia, but I kinda love it."
"Me too," Dean agreed enthusiastically as he took a bite. "It's good stuff. I never used to skip school on pizza day. Did you know they serve the same kind in prison?"
"Good to know," Xander nodded. "Now I'll have something to look forward to if my life of crime ever catches up with me."
Buffy slid into the seat beside Dean, wearing a sour expression on her face. Her lunch tray was basically empty, aside from a carton of skim milk and a lonely bowl of green Jell-O.
"That's all you're eating?" he asked her.
"Yeah," she replied as she half-heartedly poked at the jiggling cubes of Jell-O with her spoon. "I'm not in the mood for oddly shaped, institutional pizza today."
"Oh come on," he said as he held his half-eaten slice in front of her face. "Don't act like you're too good. You know you love it."
"Ewww," Buffy cringed as she crinkled her nose in disgust and pushed Dean's arm away from her. "I'm going to see Willow," she announced as she rose from her seat.
"You feeling sick again?"
Buffy swallowed hard and frowned. "Oh yeah," she confirmed. "I've definitely been cursed."
Dean started to rise to go with her, but she put a hand on his shoulder and shook her head.
"It's okay," she said. "You stay and enjoy your greasy goodness. I won't be long."
While Dean and Buffy were occupied with their conversation, Xander elbowed Giles and silently mouthed the word 'curse' with a negative shake of his head and raised eyebrows. The Watcher gazed at Xander with a perplexed expression on his face for a moment, before his eyes widened and he looked over at Buffy and then quickly returned his attention to his plate. There were things he'd just rather not know.
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"This is stupid Will," Buffy said sullenly as she sat on the edge of a bed in the infirmary. "I can't believe you won't just give me the anti-curse potion."
"Sorry Buffy, but we have to be sure. You did say you were late for the other kinda curse. You know, the monthly one. Besides, I really don't think you've been jinxed. I'm usually pretty good at sensing that sort of thing. Call it a witchy sixth sense. Plus, don't you think that's a majorly lightweight type of hex for something as powerful as Eve?"
"I dunno," she shrugged. "It seems majorly heavyweight to me. You're not the one yacking every few hours," she added accusingly.
Allie stepped up beside Willow and gazed at Buffy with a sheepish expression on her face.
"The test was positive," she said hesitantly.
"Yay," Buffy said happily before turning a smug expression on Willow. "See. Told you so. Now give me the potion," she demanded.
"Buffy," Allie said gently. "I don't think you're getting what I mean when I say the test was positive. Positive means you have elevated HCG levels." When the Slayer still appeared confused, she added, "It means you're pregnant."
"Damn," Faith exclaimed loudly from behind Allie and Willow. "I just came in here for a Band Aid. I sure as hell didn't expect to walk in on the juiciest gossip of the century."
Buffy regarded the other Slayer with wide eyes. "Oh no," she stressed firmly. "You didn't hear anything. There's no gossip,"she emphasized by shaking her finger. "Because that's not possible! The test is broken. Allie, do it again."
"I can, but I'm sure the results will be the same. It's a fairly straightforward test," she explained.
"How did this happen?" Buffy asked desperately.
Faith laughed. "Come on B, you know how it works. You don't need me to draw a picture."
"But, that's not possible," Buffy repeated.
"Unless you two have been saving it for marriage," Allie remarked doubtfully, "It's entirely possible."
"But, we're careful."
The nurse shrugged and patted her rounded belly. "That's what I said."
"Let me guess," Faith grinned. "You used the good ole pull 'n pray method, didn't ya? You do realize that's how most of us got here."
"Faith!" Buffy exclaimed, sounding horrified. "I…," she trailed off. "I can't be. You don't understand. This isn't a good time. Willow," she said as she turned to her best friend with pleading eyes.
"Congratulations?" she replied with an uncertain smile.
"No. No congratulations. I mean yes - but no, not now. This is so not good. In fact it's bad. Very, very bad. The pinnacle of bad. We're having an apocalypse! The Powers know that, right? You can't have a pregnant Slayer in the middle of Armageddon. There must be a rule somewhere. It's probably in the handbook. It has to be," she stressed.
"Apparently not," Willow said sympathetically.
"We can't tell Dean," she said in a panicky voice.
"But Buffy, he's going to find out," Willow reasoned. "That's not exactly something you can hide for very long. Unless you were planning on… You know," she said hesitantly. "I mean, that would be understandable at a time like this… If-if that's what you're thinking."
Buffy shook her head and instinctively placed a protective hand against her stomach. "No," she said firmly. "That's not it. We just can't tell him yet. He'll freak. Knowing him, he'll probably try to lock me up somewhere and then I'd have to break both of his arms. I don't wanna do that. I like his arms. We're just going to have to save the world first," she said simply. "Then I'll tell him. I can hide it for a while. I hid being the Slayer from my family for years."
"Well, you better get on that saving the world thing," Allie remarked, "because short, petite women like us… We usually start showing fairly soon."
"Okay then," Buffy said as she took a deep breath in an effort to calm her nerves. "I'm on it. I mean, I was on it before, but now I'm like really on it, on it. Consider me laser-focus girl. I wish Sam would hurry up and get his butt back," she added desperately. "We seriously need those books."
"Yeah," Faith agreed. "That boy needs to move his ass, because I'm bored as hell with being pent up in here. I need some entertainment," she added with a sly grin.
"Just use some protection," Allie suggested.
"No sweat. I'm on the pill."
"I can't take the pill," Buffy remarked with a pout. "It makes me all bloated."
Faith smirked, but didn't take the obvious opening provided by that comment. She decided to give the girl a break for once.
"Don't stress, B," she said encouragingly. "You've saved the world how many times now? What's one little pregnancy?"
Buffy gave the other Slayer a half-hearted smile. "Nuthin' to it," she agreed with a nod, although she sounded like she was trying to convince herself. "So, nobody's telling. Right?" she asked as she looked at the three women in front of her.
"Not me," Allie said. "I'm a nurse. Confidentiality goes with the job. I may illegally dispense narcotics and do all sorts of other stuff a nurse isn't supposed to do, but I have to draw a line somewhere."
Faith shook her head. "Not my place. Besides, I don't wanna be trapped in a building with a tripped out Daddy-Dean any more than you do. Dude would be one serious pain-in-the-ass."
"Will?" Buffy asked hopefully when she noticed her friend was looking reluctant.
"But, I can't lie to Dean. He finally likes me and you know that took months to accomplish. I can't suddenly start making with the deception now! I'm pretty sure that would set our relationship back."
"You're not lying," Buffy emphasized. "You're just not telling him. Trust me. It's a completely different vibe. You can do it. Just don't start any conversations with - 'Hey, did you hear that Buffy's knocked-up'."
"Okay, I'll try," Willow agreed before nearly jumping out of her skin when the topic of their conversation snuck right up behind her.
"There you are," Dean said to Buffy. "The potion made you sick didn't it?"
"You did say it tasted pretty raunchy," Buffy replied with what she hoped wasn't a guilty smile. She wasn't lying. Not really.
"Hell yeah, it was raunchy! No offense," he said to Willow, "because that shit did save my life. But still, I'm telling ya, that stuff's seriously nasty. What's in it anyway?"
"It-It's probably best if you don't know," she stammered nervously.
Dean shrugged. "You're probably right," he agreed.
"Hi Dean, how are you?" Allie asked a little too cheerfully.
"Fine," he replied as he took in the guilty faces of the four women in the room. "You ladies were just talkin' dirty weren't ya?" he asked with a mischievous grin. "I always knew you talked about sex just as much as guys."
"It was a related topic," Faith confirmed with a grin of her own. She could practically feel the daggers Buffy was shooting at her.
"That's cool," he said. "As long as I came out on top, I got no problems."
Buffy smiled sweetly. "Of course you did, honey."
"Yeah," Faith agreed as she slapped him roughly between the shoulder blades. "Trust me. You're the stud of the year."
Dean appeared to be a little confused, but shrugged it off with a satisfied grin. Apparently, he'd decided to take the odd exchange as a compliment.
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Buffy was huddled in her office with Willow, still trying to come to grips with the life-changing news that had just been dropped in her lap when Dean appeared in the doorway looking rather somber.
"Looks like Eve finally decided to break radio silence," he remarked. "I haven't been outside to check it out yet, but, from what I could see from an upstairs window, it looks like a body was left out on the lawn."
"A body," Willow stated with concern. "Whose?"
"I know who it is," answered a voice from behind Dean. The young Slayer, Trish, stepped past him and stood nervously in front of Buffy. She looked disheveled and thinner than usual. Her normally healthy, mocha-colored skin was now ashen and she had deep shadows under her eyes. "She's a witch. Her name was Isadora," she said as Willow gasped in horror. "It's a message from Mother," she continued quietly. "If I don't go out there, she'll kill every witch that helped to protect this place… and everyone inside too. You have to kill me," she pleaded with tears in her eyes. "I've tried so hard to fight her, but I can't take the voices anymore. She calls to me night and day. Can't you hear her?" she asked desperately.
"Guess we know who Eve's vessel is," Dean remarked, as he gazed at the distressed girl in sympathy.
"No," Willow said, shaking her head in disbelief. "It can't be Isadora. She's in England. I talked to her yesterday. It can't be her!"
"It is," Trish replied sadly. "Mother brought her here for you. She knows the coven helped you and she knows if she kills them all it will weaken the protection spells. She's given us a choice, either I go to her or you lift the barriers." She turned toward Buffy with a desperate expression on her face. "You have to kill me," she begged. "Please. I can't do it myself. Grandma says suicides go to hell."
Willow sat stunned, trying to recover from the shocking news. "I have to warn them," she said quietly.
"Trish," Buffy said gently as she rose from her chair to approach the agitated girl. "Nobody's going to kill you and you're not going to hurt yourself," she said in a firm, but soothing tone. "We'll keep you safe, okay? Eve won't be able to get anywhere near you. I promise."
"No!" she yelled. "You don't understand. I don't want to go to her, but I will. I can't take it anymore. I'm going crazy! I'll just have to make you kill me," she stated with a wild and determined look in her eyes before taking a swing at Buffy.
Because of the girl's fragile mental state, Buffy had been prepared for this and managed to dodge the blow. Dean tried to grab her from behind and pin her arms to her sides, but she easily twisted out of his grasp and kicked him in the center of his chest, sending him crashing into the wall behind him and leaving him slumped, half-conscious on the floor. Trish then turned her attention back to Buffy, who was momentarily distracted by concern for Dean. This allowed her to land a punch to Buffy's throat, which caused her to stumble backwards gasping for air.
"Oh no, Buffy!" Willow exclaimed as she regained her focus on the present. Normally she'd allow her friend to handle a situation like this on her own, but that was before receiving the day's big news. Willow held out a hand and chanted a few words in Latin before sending a beam of blue light at the younger Slayer. This caused her to immediately lose consciousness and crumple to the floor.
"You okay Will?" Buffy asked urgently as she rushed toward Dean.
"Yeah," her friend said as she slumped into a chair, panting heavily. "That spell just takes a lot out of a girl. I'll be fine in a few minutes… or maybe hours. It's been a rough couple of days."
"Dean," Buffy said sharply as she knelt down beside him and lifted up his chin. "Say something."
"I'm freakin' tired of being thrown into walls," he grumbled. "That's like the ten-millionth time. It's gettin' old."
Buffy sighed in relief and proceed to help him haul himself back onto his feet. "Sweetie, please don't take on a rogue Slayer again," she requested as she worriedly checked him over for injuries.
"Not a problem," he groaned as he pressed a hand against the spot on his chest where he'd been kicked. "I'm not exactly a big fan of having my ass handed to me by a teenage girl. Damn. I bet a mule doesn't kick that hard. So, what are we supposed to do with nutjob super-chick?" he asked as he pointed to the unconscious girl on the floor.
Buffy frowned. "Guess we'll have to find some way to restrain her. Maybe Allie can give her something to calm her down?"
"Like what?" Dean asked. "An elephant tranquilizer?"
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Crowley scowled at the angel who'd just appeared in front of him.
"What's this nonsense I hear about you killing my hunters?" he snapped.
"They were disloyal," Castiel stated simply. "They had to be eliminated."
"Disloyal, you say? Whatever made you come to that conclusion?"
"They were passing information to Meg. They told her you were still alive."
Crowley smirked. "I wondered when that bitch would wise up and have another go at me. Please tell me I get to end her myself."
"She's been destroyed," Castiel stated flatly.
"Oh," the demon shrugged. "I have to say that's quite the letdown. So, tell me Cas, how did you uncover this startling bit of intrigue?"
"I'm an angel."
"Right. Mister All Knowing. My apologies, I nearly forgot," Crowley said as he rolled his eyes. "Since you're so mighty, why don't you tell me exactly how we're supposed to find the bloody 'stolen one' now that we have no hunters to bring me new informants?" he asked angrily.
"We don't need them. Eve is about to make a move against the Slayers. When she does, I'll be there. She will tell us what we need to know."
"Well that all sounds nice and tidy," Crowley remarked sarcastically. "Why don't you let me loan you some reinforcements? Our friend Eve is extremely ancient. She'll no doubt have a few tricks up her sleeves."
"I can handle it," Castiel said confidently.
"Of course you can," the demon agreed with a fake smile as he reached up to pat the angel on the back. "Besides, we wouldn't want the dear Winchesters to find out you've been slumming on the wrong side of the tracks."
A symbol, which appeared to be drawn in blood, briefly appeared on the back of Castiel's trenchcoat where Crowley had touched him. It quickly faded as it was seemingly absorbed into the fabric.
"By the way," the demon remarked casually. "Do you care to share your theories on the big 'stolen one' question? Maybe you've got some inkling as to who or what we're looking for?" he asked expectantly.
"No," the angel replied a little too quickly. "I do not."
"Not even a theory then?" Crowley asked suspiciously. "A wild guess maybe?"
"I told you, no," the angel replied defensively.
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Crowley turned on the television and sighed in boredom when he saw that Castiel was in the middle of briefing his lieutenants on some tedious battle strategy. Hopefully this show would get more interesting soon, because he was already tired of watching these stiffs. He'd need a few more bottles of good whiskey to get through this.
"Wow boss," his muscle bound henchman remarked in awe from behind him. "It takes some serious stones to slap a bug on an angel."
Crowley smiled in smug satisfaction. "Yes, I am quite proud of that particular move. It's a good thing that poncey bastard is too arrogant to believe I could pull something like that off."
"So, I'm guessin' you don't trust him anymore?"
"Never did," Crowley corrected. "But now that the Winchesters are in the picture, I trust him even less. He knows more than he's sharing. Besides, that whole business with Meg reeks of flannel and gunpowder," he added with disgust.
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Buffy smiled as she watched Dean anxiously waiting for his brother to arrive. It was obvious that he was both relieved and excited about Sam's return. So was Faith, for that matter, although she was making quite a show of appearing indifferent. It was nice to have a bright spot after days of sitting around on edge, waiting for Eve to make her next move. The coven in England was now in hiding, but no one knew how long that would last. Eve was sure to find them and, when she did, she would most certainly kill them all. However, for Buffy, the worst thing had been Trish. They had confined the girl in a locked and guarded room and had also been keeping her dosed up with the same drug cocktail that was once used to celebrate a Slayer's eighteenth birthday. It made Buffy sick with guilt to think she had any part in that, but it didn't seem that they had much choice if they wanted to keep her and everyone else safe.
The Campbell library had apparently been so large that it required both Sam and the other hunter, Bobby, to haul it all back to Cleveland. That was good because they could use all the resources they could get, but Buffy was also looking forward to meeting Bobby. She'd heard enough about him to decide that he was as much of a surrogate father to Dean as Giles was to her. Despite all of the anxiety and stress, she was finding herself growing excited about the child inside of her, who she was secretly calling her little 'kitten'. She had an urge to meet the extended family and get a feel for the people who'd be a part of her baby's life. It also made her incredibly sad to think that her mother would miss out on meeting her first grandchild.
The two finally arrived late that afternoon. The bed of Sam's truck had been filled to the brim and was covered with a tarp. The other man was driving an SUV that may have been an older Chevy Blazer, but it was hard to tell because the vehicle was somewhat of a Frankenstein, made up of various parts from salvaged vehicles. Each of the doors was a different color and the hood was unpainted and covered in primer. Buffy was amazed that the thing could actually be driven, much less make a journey of hundreds of miles.
She had gone outside to meet the new arrivals along with Dean, Giles, and Faith. Andrew was currently somewhere sulking due to being forbidden to join the welcoming party. Buffy had decided he was way too excited about meeting who he described as the 'gruff but loveable curmudgeon'. The Andrew situation was due to hit the fan any day now. Hopefully, they wouldn't all still be trapped inside the Council when it did, because it wasn't going to be pretty. She may end up having to break Dean's arms after all.
As Bobby climbed out of his truck, Dean walked up to greet him and held out a hand for the older man to shake. He looked a little embarrassed when Bobby decided to go for a hug rather than a handshake. After a short embrace, he stepped back and held Dean by the shoulders as he looked him over.
"Damn boy, it's good to see you."
"You too, Bobby," Dean grinned. "You know you were welcome to visit sooner. We can use all the hunters we can get."
Bobby waved his hand in dismissal. "I'm too damn old to be on the Hellmouth," he grumbled.
"I can't believe you knew about it and didn't tell me."
"I didn't tell you because I was afraid your stupid ass would want to take a vacation here."
Dean shrugged. The man probably had a point. He started to introduce Buffy, who had just appeared beside him, but Bobby had already put two and two together.
"You must be Buffy," he said as he observed her closely. "Well I'll be damned… It's good to meet ya."
Buffy smiled. "Let me guess. You thought I'd be taller?"
Bobby returned her smile. "Nope. Already knew not to expect a bruiser. I'm just shocked that you're actually prettier than Dean. I didn't think that was possible."
"Funny," Dean remarked. "We've been over this Bobby. I'm not pretty, I'm –."
"Yeah, yeah," Bobby interrupted. "You're ruggedly handsome. Keep tellin' yourself that, princess."
Buffy giggled and immediately decided she liked the older man. She noticed Giles drifting in their direction and started to introduce him.
"Good heavens," he remarked in awe as he observed the stacked boxes of books that could be seen through the SUVs windows.
Bobby narrowed his eyes at the Watcher. "I know she's a piece of junk, but you ain't gotta be so prissy and uptight about it."
"Oh no," Giles replied in surprise. "I wasn't referring to the vehicle. I'm just a bit overwhelmed by all the books. I expected an impressive collection, but this is simply beyond comprehension. Forgive me," he said as he offered his hand for Bobby to shake. "I've forgotten my manners. I'm Rupert Giles. I was fortunate enough to inherit what was left of the Watcher's Council."
"The rest of them kinda got blown up," Buffy offered helpfully. "But I always liked Giles best anyway," she said as she smiled brightly at her Watcher.
Bobby shook Giles' hand but continued to observe him warily. "I'm not much for bullshit," he said. "So, I'll go ahead and be up front with ya. I got no problem with the Slayer… or I guess it's Slayers these days. But, I've had a few run-ins with your Council over the years and I'm not exactly your number one fan. Just so you know."
Giles met the hunter's gaze steadily. "I understand Mister Singer. I'm the first to admit that the Council has had its shortcomings, but I assure you that its present incarnation is quite different from the one you're familiar with."
"I hope so," Bobby replied seriously. "Because I've got another thing I need to get off my chest. These books," he said as he gestured between the two trucks. "They're pretty much all these boys got as far as an inheritance goes. So, I'm not gonna stand for your Council robbin' them of that."
"Bobby," Dean interrupted. "I don't care –."
"Shut up, Dean," Bobby snapped gruffly. "I'm talkin'."
Dean shrugged and his eyes widened a little. "Yes sir," he said quickly.
Buffy was shocked. She needed to learn how the old guy had managed that.
"Are we straight?" Bobby asked, returning his attention back to Giles.
"Yes," he replied evenly. "I understand and I've no wish to rob the Winchesters of their heritage. I assure you that all of these items will be carefully cataloged and will remain their property, to do with as they wish."
Bobby nodded. He was impressed that the Watcher hadn't backed down or appeared frightened.
"Okay then," he remarked. "Glad we understand each other. Where can I get a drink around here?"
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Faith finally managed to catch Sam alone once they'd moved all the boxes inside and placed them in the school's rather empty and dusty library.
"So," she said as she pressed herself against him. "I hope you've not gone back to that 'I'm dying' kick of yours, because teasing a Slayer… not real smart. Just so ya know."
Sam smiled down at her. "Don't worry. I'm not suicidal."
"Glad to hear it," she said as she slipped her hands underneath his button-down and tugged his t-shirt out of his jeans.
"But don't you think we should help with the research first?" he asked.
"Nah, you deserve a break," Faith replied with a wink before dragging him into the weapons room and closing and locking the door behind them. "Don't be such a nerd. I can show you all kinds of stuff that ain't in those boring old books," she promised.
Sam looked uncertainly at the door for a split second before pulling Faith into a passionate kiss. Hopefully, nobody would miss them for an hour or two.
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"Where's Faith and Sam?" Xander asked as he nosed around in the stack of wooden boxes that were sitting on a table at the back of the library. "I don't think it's fair that they don't have to be stuck in here doing research too."
Dean just smirked and returned his attention to the book he was looking at. He was pretty damn sure he knew what those two were up too. He just hoped his brother would live through it.
"Hey," Bobby snapped as he looked up at Xander. "Don't mess around in those boxes, you idjit. Them things ain't toys. They're curse boxes. It's hard to tell what's hidden away in there."
"Yes Xander," Giles agreed strongly. "Please sit down. You're making me extremely nervous."
"Why'd you have to bring back the curse boxes?" Dean asked.
"We couldn't exactly leave 'em," Bobby reasoned. "What if somebody else found that place? Some stupid kid mighta stumbled onto 'em… or even worse, some stupid hunter. Imagine the damage a dipshit like Gordon Walker could do with a bunch of cursed objects."
"Good point," Dean agreed.
"Ooh," Xander remarked excitedly as he picked up what appeared to be a solid gold box. "I found one that doesn't belong. I bet there's something more valuable than spare change in here."
"Xander," Willow cringed. "Please don't do that."
"What?" he said innocently. "I'm just looking at it. Give me some credit. It's not like I'm stupid enough to try and open it."
"That is pretty cool," Dean remarked as he got up to take a closer look. "I think that's real gold. Do you know what an ounce goes for these days? Too bad we can't just pawn it."
"Xander," Giles said tiredly as he shook his head at Dean. "What do I have to threaten you with to keep you away from the cursed objects?"
"I don't think that one's a cursed object," Bobby remarked without looking up from the book he was reading. "Judging from the markings, I'm pretty sure it's a reliquary."
"Seriously," Giles said as he also arose to check out the small box. "I do believe you're right," he observed. "Fascinating."
"What's a reliquary?" Dean asked.
"It's a container that holds relics of religious significance," Giles replied. "Often items such as the bones of a saint or a scrap of cloth supposedly worn by Christ. Very few are actually authentic."
I guess we can open it then," Xander said happily.
Buffy decided she better speak up. "Not trying to rain on your parade here Xan, but remember Raiders? Item of great religious significance and melty faces?"
"Oh crap," Xander replied as he breathed a deep sigh of relief. "You have an excellent point there Buff, but, luckily for our faces, I already tried and the box is welded shut."
"Let me see that," Dean said as he took the box from Xander's hands. He tested the lid and it easily popped open. "Huh," he remarked, "either you need to work out more or this box just likes me better than you."
"There's no way you did that," Xander replied in awe. "Nobody could've opened that thing. I cry foul."
Dean smiled smugly. "Guess I'm just the man."
"Dammit Dean," Bobby cursed irritably. "Whatever's in that thing, for God's sake don't touch it! Don't you remember the ordeal with the damn rabbit's foot?"
"Yeah," he replied defensively. "Keep your panties on. I'm not touching anything."
Everyone gathered around the box to peer cautiously inside. The 'precious relic' appeared to be nothing more than a piece of an antler that had been sharpened to a point on one end.
"Well that sucks," Xander remarked in a tone of disappointment.
Bobby reached out and gingerly grabbed the remains of an ancient document that had been tucked in with the relic.
"Guess we better see if we can figure out what we just got ourselves into," he said as he directed a scowl at Dean. "Hopefully it's something we can translate, because I'm damn sure it won't be in plain English."
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"Oh balls," Bobby remarked a few hours later as he frowned at the ancient scrap of parchment in his hands. "How's your archaic Latin?" he asked Giles.
"Honestly, it seems to improve quite a bit once I've had a few," he remarked as he pointed to the half empty glass of scotch in front of him.
"That does make it less painful," Bobby agreed. "Well take a look at this," he said as he slid the parchment in front of the Watcher. "Maybe you won't get what I'm gettin'."
After spending some time with the document, Giles finally felt that he'd made a fairly accurate translation.
"This is about Eve," he announced excitedly. "Although I'm not sure if this discovery can help us. Unless it doesn't matter who wields the weapon."
Bobby sighed, groaned, and finished off his drink in one large swallow. "Why don't you share with the kids? Tell 'em who wields the weapon."
Giles looked at the hunter curiously. "Well, part of the document is missing, but it appears to be claiming that this 'relic' was the dagger used to banish the Mother back to Purgatory. However, the odd part is that it was wielded by someone called the 'True Vessel of the Commander of the Army of God'."
"Nice one," Buffy remarked. "That's even wordy by moldy, ancient scroll standards. Why can't they just use normal names? It would save a lot of paper."
Giles gave Buffy a reproachful look before continuing. "Honestly, I've never been much of a biblical scholar, but I'm fairly certain that refers to -"
"The Archangel Michael," Dean finished for him before slapping his hand on the table in front of him. "Ain't that just fuckin' dandy?"
Giles noticed that Bobby, Buffy, and Sam (who'd recently joined the group along with Faith) were all observing Dean closely.
"Am I missing something?" he asked curiously.
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A/N: I wrote a oneshot that is basically a smutty version of Sam & Faith's encounter in this chapter. It's called 'Can't Get Enough'.