A/N: I'm a liar, but a very unintentional one. I started writing the 'final chapter' and realized I just couldn't fit it into one reasonably sized chapter. So the finale is going to be a three-parter instead of a two. I just had to take a break and do some schmoop before the big battle. I caught up on S7 over the past weekend (couldn't resist any longer). Let's just say I SERIOUSLY need some schmoop. It's the only way I'm gonna get it. Thanks for humoring me.
This chapter wasn't beta'd, so I own all mistakes.
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Dean cursed when the rock salt that was supposed to go into a shotgun shell ended up all over his lap instead. He was done with this bullshit. They had enough shells to supply an entire army unit and every gun he could find had been stripped and cleaned (some twice). He knew his task was just a distraction anyway – a distraction to keep him from driving everyone else nuts. And granted, 'everyone else' had a point. He had been a pain in the ass, especially to Willow. He knew her location spells didn't have a chance of finding Buffy, but he still kept badgering the shit out of her anyway. He was desperate and worried, and that usually resulted in him being a grade A asshole. He was aware, but he didn't know what else to do with himself. He'd even wasted a few hours aimlessly driving around the Hellmouth, looking for anything that looked like a lead. He only succeeded in accidentally interfering in a drug deal and cleaning out a nest of a half-dozen sleeping vampires. The vamp nest had been a near miss too. He'd almost ended up being lunch.
The terrifying truth was that Buffy's fate was in the hands of Balthazar. Actually, everyone's fate was in the hands of Balthazar, but right now he wasn't thinking too much about that. He just wanted Buffy back and if that wasn't possible, part of him was fine with the whole world going up in a giant ball of flames. He was tired of the bigger picture. The bigger picture always left him with the short end of the stick and he was through with it. He was also through with waiting on Balthazar. He'd go find Buffy himself if he had to search every building in the entire city. He dropped the partially-filled shell and pushed back his chair.
"Where you off to, Dean?" Bobby asked.
The question sounded casual, but Dean could hear the hint of suspicion in it. Bobby and Cas weren't really here to help him pack a bunch of shells. He wasn't that stupid. They were here to watch him and make sure he didn't make any more solo raids on the local vamp population. He was officially the crazy hunter that needed to be kept on a short chain.
"Going to see if there's another bag of rock salt in my trunk," he lied.
Bobby wiped his hands on a rag and set the gun he was oiling aside. "I'll go with ya," he said as he rose from his seat. "I could use a taste of fresh air."
"I don't need a babysitter."
Bobby pointed to the bloody bandage on Dean's neck where a vampire had tried to rip his throat out. "I'm thinkin' you do."
"Fine," Dean snapped. "Come with me then. Just don't expect me to sit here on my ass waiting on Balthazar. That dickwad probably took all the weapons and sold us out to Raphael."
"Dean, I don't believe -," Castiel began, but was interrupted by the sound of Dean's phone ringing.
That was a lucky break for Cas, because if he had to listen to another lecture about fate and having faith, Dean was going to kick his ass again.
XXXXXXXXXX
Buffy needed to stop soon. Her lungs were on fire, her ankle was throbbing, and the stitch in her side was screaming and cursing at her. Plus, she had no idea where she was or where she was going. She wasn't in Cleveland. That was for certain. After two years spent patrolling the new Hellmouth, she knew every corner of that town and this wasn't it. She'd ask someone if there was someone around to ask, but it seemed that the entire town was pretty much deserted. All she'd seen were closed warehouses and factories. There had been one drunk guy, but she hadn't been able to get anything useful out of him. He was too busy being blacked out to be very helpful. She was just about to give up and break into an empty building to rest when she spotted a light on in a window up the street.
As she got closer, she realized it was a church, specifically All Saints Catholic Church. That could be a good thing. Maybe demons couldn't come inside of a church? Once again, she realized she really, really needed to study up on those guys and she'd make a point to do just that - if she ever managed to make it out of this mess.
She rushed up the front steps and bolted through the unlocked front door. It was so warm inside that she was tempted to curl up in a ball and take a nap on the floor, but comfort was going to have to wait a little longer. She could hear a voice nearby and followed the sound to find a priest giving Mass to one lone parishioner. It looked like the factories weren't the only things deserted around here.
"Excuse me," Buffy said as she limped up the aisle. "Sorry Father, can I…" she trailed off when the old lady receiving Mass turned around and gasped. The priest just stopped what he was doing and stared at her like he wasn't sure what he was seeing. Buffy guessed she probably looked pretty bad right now and kind of crazy too. For one thing, she was running around in pajamas and no shoes in December. Then there was the minor fact that she'd just finished fighting off four demons. Needless to say, she wasn't winning any beauty contests today. "Hi," she said as she waved at the priest with an awkward smile. Her greeting seemed to unfreeze him and he rushed up the aisle toward her.
"Are you okay?" he asked anxiously as he gestured toward one of the pews. "Please sit. I'll phone the police."
"That's okay. Trust me. The police can't help. If you could just let me use a phone, I can call for backup… I mean help and then I'll let you get back to your uhh… church thingy."
"But you've obviously been attacked," the Father argued, "and you're barely dressed. You're barefoot!"
"I'm pregnant too," Buffy joked, but realized her attempt at humor was lost on the priest. In fact, he looked completely horrified. "Okay," she sighed. "I'll make you a deal. If you let me use a phone first, you can call the police right after. Promise," she added with a smile. She wasn't lying either. He could call the police. He could even call the National Guard for all she cared. That didn't mean she was going to stick around until they got here.
The old lady came toward them, digging in her oversized purse as she walked. She finally pulled out a phone and held it out toward Buffy. Apparently even little old ladies carried cell phones these days.
"You can use my phone," she said.
"Thank you," Buffy replied happily as she reached to take the phone. Unfortunately, the woman pulled it away before she could get a hold of it.
The lady looked her in the eyes and spoke sternly. "But only if you promise me you're not going to be a fool and call the man that did this to you. Father Rainey can get you into a special convent for young girls who get themselves in trouble."
"A c-convent?" Buffy was a taken aback for a moment. "Look, I think we have a misunderstanding. It's a really long story, but I promise you I'm not calling some evil, nasty batterer-guy. Anyway," she shrugged. "You should see the guys I did fight with. They look a whole lot worse than I do."
The lady finally handed over the phone, but she and the priest kept watching her intensely. She could only imagine what must be going through their minds right now. Buffy smiled nervously at the pair and punched in Dean's number.
He answered before the second ring. He sounded unusually gruff, probably because he was already freaked out and was getting a call from a number he didn't recognize.
"Hey sweetie," she replied. "It's me…uh… Buffy." Okay that was lame, but she didn't know what to say. It was so overwhelming to hear his voice. A long moment of silence answered her and she was beginning to wonder if she'd lost the connection when Dean finally replied with, "Buffy?"
"Yep, the one and only," she said as tears stung her eyes. He sounded so hopeful and so unsure. For the first time that day, she let her guard drop a little. She wanted to see him so badly.
"I-," she began, but he cut her off before she could say anything. He wanted to know where she was and that was a very good question. One she'd like an answer to herself. "I'm in a church, but pretty sure this isn't Cleveland. Hold on," she said as she pulled the phone away from her ear and looked over at the priest.
"Where am I?" she asked, but he just looked at her like she had three heads. The man probably thought she was on some heavy drugs. She clarified the question, hoping she'd get a better response. "What city is this?"
"Paradise, Ohio," he replied.
"Seriously? Wow. I'm so not a fan of the new devil, but he does have a good grasp of irony. I have to give points for that."
The priest frowned at Buffy. It seemed she was disturbing him again. She should really focus on the matter at hand, because this guy was not amused by her commentary.
"How close are we to Cleveland?" she asked.
"A few hours," the priest replied absently. He was no longer focused on their conversation. His attention was directed down the aisle.
Buffy had already felt her spidey senses tingling, so she was way ahead of him. They had visitors, four severely bloody and beaten visitors. Obviously, they could come inside a church after all. These guys really had no sense of decency.
"Hi Slayer," one of the demons said with a bloody grin. "Thought you gave us the slip, didn't ya?"
Buffy groaned. Not these idiots again. "Don't you guys ever give up?" she asked. "Just so you know, this makes you look really desperate. You need to learn to take 'no' for an answer. Dean," she said as she placed the phone against her ear again, "I'll have to call you back." She ended the call over his protests and handed the phone back to its owner.
She knew Dean would be worried, but she needed to concentrate on the upcoming fight (once again). Plus, she needed to get the Father away from the demons before they hurt him. He was walking toward them, shaming them for their behavior, and threatening to call the police. They probably wouldn't like that.
She yelled a warning to the priest as she grabbed a stone basin filled with what she hoped was holy water. She ran forward, knocking the priest to the side with her shoulder before splashing the contents of the basin on the demons. The smoke and the screaming let her know that the holy water assumption had been a safe guess. She followed-up by throwing the basin itself at the head of the demon that seemed to be the strongest of the four.
"Father, please tell me you know how to do an exorcism."
"I… you…," he stammered. "What's going on here? That basin was pure marble. It had to weigh –"
"Yeah, it was kinda heavy," Buffy agreed, cutting off the priest's ramble. "Do you know how to do an exorcism ritual?" she repeated more urgently. "The holy water's not gonna stop those things for long."
"No," he said. His eyes were wide with panic as he stared at the smoking demons. "The modern church doesn't perform them very often… I've never… W-What are those things?"
Buffy grabbed the priest by the arm and pulled him along with her. Thankfully the older lady had already gotten the hint and was taking off toward the back of sanctuary. "Those are demons," Buffy replied as she hustled him along. "The annoying possessing-people kind of demon. If we survive this, we both need to look into memorizing that exorcism ritual."
She snatched one of the large candelabras from the altar as they passed by. It wasn't iron, but it would hopefully still do some damage. The demons were on the move again and she needed something to fight them with.
She released the priest's arm and pushed him on ahead of her. "Get in the back," she ordered. "I'll try and slow them down." Buffy raised the candelabra, took a deep breath and started to rush the demons when she felt the familiar sensation of static electricity that always preceded one of Will's grand entrances. "Please", she said aloud, "don't let this be my imagination."
As if in reply, Willow popped into view beside her with a loud snap. She gave Buffy a quick wave and a smile before turning her attention on the demons. Her sudden appearance had shocked them and they'd stopped briefly, however they were already beginning to move forward. Willow held out a hand and the four stopped once again, but this time it was obviously not their choice. They struggled against their invisible bonds while Willow recited an exorcism ritual in perfect Latin. As she spoke the last word, black smoke billowed from their mouths and the four bodies fell over dead.
"Yay Willow!" Buffy exclaimed as she threw her arms around her.
Her friend cringed and tried to wiggle out of Buffy's grasp. "Owww, Buffy. I'm glad to see you too, but kinda have a few broken ribs."
Buffy pulled away quickly. "Oh, sorry," she frowned. "You okay? Last time I saw you, Crowley had you…"
"Yeah, pinned like a bug," Willow pouted. "I remember. I'm fine now. Just a few broken ribs and a bad bump on my head. What about you?"
"Tired, cold, kinda sore. You know, the usual stuff. I'm okay," Buffy shrugged. "Hey, when did you learn to perform an exorcism?"
"Today," her friend announced proudly. "It's been a major cram session. Just like the good ole days. I've absorbed so much knowledge, I think my head might actually explode," she said happily.
"Did I ever tell you how much I love your huge brain? Because I do. I so seriously do," Buffy stressed. "By the way - not that I'm complaining - but how did you find me?"
"Dean sorta told me where you were. I was sitting in my office and he called my phone. When I looked up to answer, I noticed the location spell I had out on you was going off. All flashy lights and everything. Can't believe I missed it. Next time I'll add a really noisy alarm."
"Did you tell him you were coming to get me?" Buffy asked urgently.
"No," Willow replied with a guilty frown. "I didn't answer the phone because I had a hunch you might need me."
"I did. Believe me, I did. I'm completely burned out on fighting stupid things that won't die. But we better get moving, because I guarantee you he's got a major case of the wiggins about now."
"Excuse me," interrupted the priest from behind them. "Do you mind telling me-?"
"What the heck just happened?" Buffy finished for him. She'd just realized that she had completely forgotten about the other two people in the room. She and Willow had been yacking away as if they weren't even there. Understandably, the two were completely freaked, but Buffy was only going to be able to give them the quick and dirty version. She had to get back to Dean. "Like I said before," she continued, "demons happened. Luckily for us, Will studied up on exorcisms in her free time."
"Is she?" he began hesitantly before turning toward Willow and continuing in a reverent tone. "Are you an angel?" he asked.
"Heck no," Willow answered quickly, "and thank the Goddess for that."
"I strongly second," Buffy agreed. "Believe me. Angels are more trouble than they're worth. If one ever asks if they can move in, I suggest you point in the direction of the nearest lake and tell 'em to take a big ole flying jump… and if you really want to make one mad, tell them that Dean Winchester says 'hi'. Well," she added thoughtfully, "Actually he wouldn't really put it quite that way… but this is a church so we'll just go with 'hi'."
The priest stared at Buffy for a long moment. He looked even more confused now. "I'm not sure I follow," he finally said.
"Sorry Father," Buffy shrugged. "Can't stick around to explain. Just make sure you learn that exorcism ritual, 'kay?"
XXXXXXXXXX
Buffy hurried down the hallway from Willow's office as she frantically searched for Dean. Her friend babbled along beside her as they walked/limped. She filled her in on Cas' curse and the fact that they had apparently teamed up with yet another angel (big sarcastic 'yay'). Most importantly, she learned that Willow was already on top of the Moon Goddess business. That was good, because if Crowley was breaking into Purgatory tonight, they didn't have a whole lot of time to waste, especially since they still had to figure out where Crowley and Raphael were planning on doing the deed. So far, that was the ten million dollar question that no one seemed to have the answer to.
When she turned a corner, Buffy came face-to-face with Dean. She forgot all about Crowley and Purgatory for the moment. All she could think about was how badly she wanted to be in his arms. He looked shocked and extremely pale, but she rushed toward him anyway… and was rewarded with a face full of holy water.
"Christo," Dean growled. His jaw was set and the expression on his face was one of pure, deadly fury. Buffy was extremely glad that she wasn't actually a demon. It was no wonder he was so unpopular with that crowd.
"Seriously?" she snapped. She knew it wasn't fair, but fair and balanced Buffy had left the building hours ago. "I just spent the entire day being locked in a stinky cell, fighting demons that won't die, and freezing my butt off…and that's the best you can come up with? A face full of holy water? Really? I'm wearing my anti-possession charm, you know."
Any other complaints Buffy had were lost when she was caught in a crushing embrace. She buried her face against his neck and breathed in his scent as he lifted her feet off the ground. All sorts of bumps and bruises were protesting the abuse, but she told them to hush. She was more than happy where she was.
"I never thought I'd see you again," he said against her hair. "I thought I'd lost you."
Buffy smiled and tightened her arms around him. She didn't get an unguarded Dean very often. "You're not getting rid of me that easily," she teased.
Dean gave her one more tight squeeze and then set her feet back down on the floor. Buffy could tell by the wrinkle between his eyes that he was now all business. It was time for her to submit to one of his patented injury checks. She stood patiently while he turned her head from side to side and cursed at the cuts and bruises. Then he knelt down to check out her right ankle. He must have noticed she was favoring it.
"You need to put some ice on this," he stated as he looked up at her and scowled. His tone was somewhere between exasperation and worry.
"Yes, Dean," she agreed.
Buffy was finding it hard to keep a straight face even though she knew this was a very serious affair in his book. She was just so happy to see him and felt so much safer now that she was with him again. He had a way of making her feel like everything was going to be taken care of. Actually, she'd noticed that he seemed to have that effect on a lot of people. Even a super-powerful Slayer wasn't immune to his caretaking skills.
"How's the shoulder?" he asked as he stood up and pulled the collar of her pajama top aside.
"Trish fixed it. She used you're surprise! first aid approach too. You should be proud. Thanks for that," she smirked.
Dean grinned a little. It was the first break in his mask of seriousness. "Worked didn't it?"
Buffy just snorted. She opened her mouth to disagree with his medical techniques, but stopped when she saw him staring intensely at her left arm. That was the arm she'd cut open to draw the devil's trap. Dean had pushed up her sleeve and was holding her arm by the wrist as he stared. Sweat had broken out on his brow and Buffy noticed that his breathing had become uneven. He appeared to be on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack. She was confused for a moment. Sure, it was a jagged and ugly cut, but it definitely wasn't anywhere near the worst wound she'd ever received. She knew for a fact that Dean had seen and suffered much worse himself. Then she realized what he must be thinking. The gash must look like the results of torture to him and not just any torture, but demonic torture. No wonder he was freaking out. She looked over to where Willow had been standing, hoping her friend would understand that this was something they needed to deal with in private. Apparently, she'd already read the situation for herself, because she was nowhere to be seen.
"Dean," she said softly. "That's not what you think." He didn't respond, so she lifted his face with her free hand. "Look at me. Dean it's okay. I did this to myself. I needed the blood to draw a devil's trap. Nobody tortured me," she emphasized. "I promise."
She could read the doubt in his eyes and knew she wasn't getting through to him even before he spoke.
"Buffy don't… I know. I know what those bastards do."
She pulled her arm free of his grasp and folded her sleeve back down to hide the wound before taking his hands in hers. "Listen to me, Dean. That did not happen. I'm not lying to you and I'm not saying Crowley's not capable of it, because you know that he is. Honestly, I think he just had too many other things on his evil to-do list. He left me and Trish alone his smelly cage and then I drew a devil's trap so we could escape. Obviously, the escape was a little bumpy and a whole lot demony, but it was a straight fight. Trust me. Those demons drew the short straw. I beat them severely. It wasn't a pretty sight."
Dean gave her a small smile. "You drew a devil's trap?"
"I did," she confirmed with a grin, "and it worked too. Aren't you just bursting with pride?"
Buffy got a genuine smile and another tight hug in response. She was taking that as a 'yes'.
"Now you have some explaining to do," she said as she pointed to the bloody bandage on his neck and frowned. "And that better not be what I think it is."
XXXXXXXXXX
Buffy almost felt 100% again. It was amazing what a shower could do for a girl. Washing away the germs from Crowley's cesspool was the best medicine ever. Of course, the fact that Dean had joined her was a huge bonus. She'd never known him to be so sweet before. He'd gently washed all of her wounds and even shampooed her hair, which was matted with tangles and dried blood. It was awesome. The experience was almost worth getting kidnapped for.
She turned in his arms and laid her head against his chest. She could easily fall asleep right where she stood. All she had to do was lean her weight against Dean and revel in the feel of the warm water and she'd be out. A smile spread across her face when she realized he was going to end up smelling like her cherry blossom shower gel. There was no way Bobby and Sam would let that one slip by unnoticed.
"Marry me," Dean said as he tightened his arms around her. It was more of a statement than a question.
His words shocked Buffy out of her daze. This wasn't exactly how she'd envisioned the 'new and improved' proposal, but she couldn't deny him.
"Of course I will," she replied. She closed her eyes again and pressed a kiss against his chest. "You're kind of hard to resist right now."
"I'm always hard to resist," he teased. Then he pulled away and held her by the shoulders so he could look at her. He was completely serious again. "Do something else for me…"
Buffy groaned internally. She had a feeling this was going to be the end of the special moment between them, because she knew what he was about to ask. Willow had already warned her about his attitude toward the magic ritual they would probably have to perform. There was about to be much yelling and probably some bonus weeping and gnashing of teeth too. No doubt about it.
"What?" she asked cautiously.
"If Balthazar doesn't screw us, I want you to promise me you'll stay here tonight. Even if you weren't pregnant, enough is enough. You're done for the day. You're not getting mixed up in this."
"Dean, why did you have to do this now?" she asked in frustration. "You've ruined yet another moment. Why do you always do that?"
XXXXXXXXXX
Dean and Buffy's argument was interrupted by both of their phones going off. Apparently, they'd caught a break and everyone was meeting in the cafeteria. Dean struggled to keep stride with Buffy as they headed that way. It was annoying as hell. She shouldn't be able to outpace him with her short little legs and a gimp ankle. She was just trying to piss him off.
"Why you movin' so fast?" he asked as he jogged along beside her. "Afraid the truth might catch up with you?"
"Maybe I'm trying to get away from you," she said without turning her head. "Maybe you're a narrow-minded, controlling, jackass."
"A jackass, huh? Wow, that stings. I'm trying to keep you alive, princess. Sorry that bothers you so much. Guess you don't like it when people point out how freakin' insane your plans are. Guess you'd prefer it if I just towed the company line and grinned like a dumbass while your head explodes."
Buffy stopped and turned toward Dean. "I'd prefer it if you trusted me," she said through gritted teeth. "I backed you when you went after Eve with only a stupid piece of bone and half of an instruction manual. I knew you'd figure it out and I was ready to go down with you if you didn't. Guess I just want the same courtesy. So, excuse the hell out of me!"
Buffy glared at him silently for a moment and then her fury seemed to magically melt away. It was replaced by the wide eyed, lost little girl look she did so well. Damn her. She even had tears in her eyes and that quivery bottom lip. She had to know that was his weakness. How could she ask this of him? Did she even know what she was asking? He'd just gotten her back and it was probably the only time in his life that something good had happened and nobody had to die or sell their soul for it. He wasn't about to give his blessing to this insanity.
He was broken out of his thoughts when he barely managed to catch the door she'd just thrown open before it busted him in the nose. They'd finally arrived at the cafeteria and it looked like the entire freaking world was packed in there. It must be go time. This was probably his last chance to reason with her.
"Baby, please just listen to me," he said as he grabbed her by the elbow and aimed for a less angry tone. "This isn't about me not trusting you. It's about –."
Dean was interrupted by the sound of his name being whispered urgently. It was Sam. He looked up at his brother and glared, but the expression on Sam's face broke through his irritation. Jesus, what now? He turned toward the direction of his brother's frown and froze.
He was frozen in awe at how completely and utterly screwed they all were (again). It was all over, but the upside was that Buffy wouldn't be performing any batshit crazy rituals. No, that had been two hours' worth of yelling and arguing completely wasted. They should've spent the time in bed, because they weren't going to get another chance. Balthazar had shafted them in a truly spectacular fashion. He'd like to say "I told you so", but he wasn't feeling particularly smug at the moment. Mostly he was just waiting for a giant ball of wrath to melt them all where they stood.
Balthazar had finally shown, but he hadn't come alone. He'd brought a friend. A dark skinned, sour faced friend that Dean had last seen in fake Canada. It was Virgil, one of the more badass angels he'd ever had the displeasure of meeting. The guy probably hadn't forgotten that he and Sam were last seen beating his ass. Fuck.
"Told you so," Dean said as he leaned toward Cas, who was looking a little shell shocked himself. (Maybe he did feel a tiny bit smug after all.)
"What?" Balthazar asked as he looked at the stunned faces around him. "No, 'hello'. No, 'thank you for being so selfless and saving our insignificant and ungrateful asses'?"
"Thanks Balthazar," Dean replied. "Thanks for bringing us the Tony Montana of Heaven. I'm sure he gives one hell of a smiting. Awesome."
Virgil didn't respond to the insult. He just stood with his hands laced behind his back and stared straight ahead. He looked as cheerful as ever.
Balthazar smirked that smart ass-y little smirk he was so good at. "Hate to disappoint you, Dean. Virgil's actually on our side." When Virgil cleared his throat, Balthazar clarified his point. "Well, let's just say he's not on Raphael's side. Fortunately for us, Virgil lacks imagination. He's a real stick in the mud, that one." Balthazar continued on, apparently indifferent to the glare he was getting from the other angel. "See, our dear friend Virgil doesn't see shades of grey. Therefore, cracking open Purgatory with Lucy Jr. - not a battle strategy he finds acceptable. Of course, I suspect that the fact he's been trapped in that ghastly alternate dimension hasn't done much to maintain his loyalty."
"No shit?" Dean remarked with a surprised gasp. "Dude's been trapped in fake Canada all this time? No wonder he's pissed. I hated that place. Hey," he said as he addressed Virgil. "Did the real fake us ever turn back up? Man, I'd love to see the looks on those clowns' faces when they found out we'd quit their jobs and maxed out their credit cards. That would be…" Dean trailed off with a nervous laugh. Virgil was not looking very amused or very informative. Balthazar was right, dude was a giant stick in the mud.
"Are you finished, Dean?" Balthazar asked. "Or would you rather stand here and gossip all night. I have mentioned how much I dislike you, haven't I? It's embarrassing enough that I've been roped into one of the Winchester's self-righteous crusades. I shouldn't be forced to listen to your inane prattle as well."
"Hey!" Buffy yelled.
Dean turned his head in surprise. He was about to tear into Balthazar himself, but apparently Buffy was going to do it for him. Maybe she wasn't as pissed at him as he thought.
"Okay sure," she continued, "Dean's stubborn, bossy, and kind of a jackass sometimes… and he's nowhere near as funny as he'd like to think he is –"
"Gee thanks," Dean interrupted. "I thought you were helping."
"Shut up," she snapped back. "I am helping. Anyway," she shrugged as she turned back to Balthazar. "He's my stubborn and bossy jackass and you're not allowed to talk to him that way. Besides, none of this is his fault. Somebody has to clean up heaven's mess. You guys sure as hell don't seem to be able to do it yourselves. So, if you want him to help you pull your incompetent asses out of the fire again, I suggest you take a minute to stop being smug, hand over the weapons, and tell us where Crowley is."
Dean beamed a gloating grin at Balthazar. Buffy was still pissed at him, but she was also still his girl and she could do one hell of a stubborn and bossy act herself (and it was so much more entertaining when it wasn't directed at him).
Balthazar raised an eyebrow, but he didn't appear too ruffled.
"You must be Bunny," he said as he stepped closer to Buffy. "I thought you were one of our damsels in distress. How did you manage to escape Crowley's clutches?"
Buffy folded her arms and lifted her chin. "I have my ways."
"Well, you're certainly even less terrifying than I imagined," he said as he observed her closely. "You are rather cute though. Oh," he remarked with a frown as his eyes fell on her stomach. "Now that's a shame."
"Hey," Dean snapped. "Quit using your pervy angel x-ray vision on her."
Balthazar looked up at Dean and grinned mischievously. "Dean, Dean, Dean… considering our current situation, don't you agree that you've engaged in some piss poor family planning. Let me guess… pull and pray? Am I right?"
"I heard no prayers," Castiel remarked earnestly. "However, that was probably because I was not meant to interfere."
Dean had to give it to the guy. Balthazar had clearly won that round. He'd never been so embarrassed in his life and he wasn't easily embarrassed. Everyone they knew was now staring at him and Buffy. Everyone except Giles - that dude was too busy polishing the shit out of his glasses. Dean gaped at Cas in slack-jawed amazement for a second before chancing a glance in Buffy's direction. Yep, she was more embarrassed than he was. He was pretty sure 'mortified' was the right word for her reaction. She actually looked like she was trying to melt through the floor. At least that was something. Balthazar, on the other hand, couldn't have been happier. He'd taken smug to a whole new level.
"Why don't we move this along then," he said as he gave Dean a patronizing pat on the shoulder. "We are on a schedule after all. If we're all going to die tonight, we should at least be on time for it."
Balthazar disappeared and then reappeared at the front of the room. He held both hands above his head and clapped them together once. A large, glittering pile of weapons materialized on the long cafeteria table in front of him.
"Viola," he said as he swept out an arm to indicate the bounty in front of him. "I give you the weapons of heaven. I will joyfully accept your undying gratitude now. Tears are optional, but I assure you they'll be greatly appreciated."