Violeta27 - Yeah, never really realized how saucy that last chapter was. O-O
Robot521 - I agree. In the comics he is sometimes shown as being a martial arts master, but I could never see him kicking ass with his bare hands, so I always liked to envision him as being proficient at something like kendo, because of the cane. Also, goddamn is a rope hard to climb without the right muscles and training...seriously. Don't tell me it's just because I'm soft and lazy...
FredGeorgeWazlib - Thanks. It was always my favourite part of Peter Pan too.
eatingsupernoodles - I know! Secret bad ass Eddie is kind of a lovely thing to envision.
TanithSeh1011 - Cane fighting is the best! If you ever have some spare time, you should check out some of those fighting styles Eddie used on youtube. They're some bad ass looking fighting styles.
*checks trap*
*finds it empty*
I can wait forever, Sweden...I have the patience of a monk. (And the ass of a twenty-year-old. Go ahead, bounce that dime off it! I dare you!)
Chapter Seven: Castaways & Medical Oddities
Day Thirteen
**Selina**
They stood in the middle of the Gotham Wax Works foyer, eyeing the people coming and going.
"How can people be so easily entertained?" Eddie demanded, adjusting the glasses he wore over a fake nose.
Lina, dressed as an older woman to match his old man disguise, smiled. "Because it's getting out of the house, sweetie."
She knew Eddie liked to get into the roles he played, but she didn't know he'd take it this far. Still, a small part inside her liked the idea of being someone else. Hobbling along like an old woman actually proved to be fun.
They stepped up to the woman at the till.
Eddie beamed at her. "Two seniors, please."
The young woman smiled back brightly. "Certainly, six dollars for the both of you."
Pulling out some money, he paid with a quite convincing trembling hand.
"Thank you." The girl chirped. "Have fun!"
Hiking up her camera, Selina took a picture of the girl, but more importantly the security panel just to the left, behind the young woman.
She smiled. "Thank you, we will."
As they walked away, Eddie chuckled. "We saved four whole dollars. Can I take you for the early bird special later?"
Selina hummed softly. "Sounds lovely."
As they toddled into their first stop, Politicians and Dissenters, Eddie chuckled and offered her his arm. "Wouldn't want you to slip and fall, my dear." He warbled.
Stopping before Jean-Paul Marat sitting in his bath, Selina leaned in.
"Don't you think it's a little morbid to have him immortalized mere seconds before his death? I think he'd probably want to be remembered for something other than dying in his bath." She whispered. "I mean, I would imagine the wax figure they have of Catherine the Great isn't on the toilet."
"Or maybe Marat would get a kick out of people viewing his naughty bits through resin water. He could have been into that, you know."
Curious, she craned her neck in an attempt to see said bits.
Beside her Eddie chuckled. "You can't see them, my dear. That was a bit of a joke."
"Is it wrong that I'm a little disappointed?" She asked as the moved on.
They both hobbled and shook their way down the lane of politicians, eyeing the statues, keeping tabs on the security cameras and alarm sensors. No one around suspecting the elderly couple of mischief and mayhem.
Turning down a path that wove through the dioramas and wax figures, Selina beamed and pointed ahead.
"Looks like someone posthumously made the Gallery of Gotham Villains." She teased.
Puffing out his chest, Eddie eyed his waxen clone.
"Looks nothing like me." He snarled. "How dare they create an inaccurate effigy of my likeness and they used the leotard costume, I'm so embarrassed! He looks more like-"
"Gary Cooper." She purred.
"I'm going to enjoy blowing dump sky high." He growled, turning on her. His face fell from annoyance into mild amusement as he looked beyond her to the other side of the path. "Well, if I'm Gary Cooper then you're Betty Page," he teased, motioning with his cane for her to turn around.
Turning she found herself, crouched low, all breasts and hips.
Selina frowned. "The bastards."
Chuckling, Eddie eyed the Catwoman before them. "I think they took a few liberties."
"That waist isn't even humanly possible." She snarled. "She's like an alien. And I resent being in the villain section. I may be a bit of an anarchist, but I'm hardly a villain."
"Well, I don't think they have an 'On-The-Fence-Good-Some-Days-Bad-The-Other's' wing, kitten."
A family sauntered near, eyeing the wax figures quietly and Eddie and Selina slipped into their doddering old couple routine, quietly eyeing themselves with wagging heads, half an act of age and half in disbelief.
As they left the villains behind, Selina slipped her arm into the crook of his. "I can't believe they turned me into a sex kitten..."
"Well, actually-"
"Don't finish that."
Wandering through the Philosopher's and Scientist's Wing, they were silent, business-like.
"Eddie?" She asked as they left the wing behind for Heroes and Royals section.
"Hn?'
"Who's the most beautiful woman you can think of?"
He quirked a brow, under all the make up it was hard to read his reaction. "Is that a trick question?"
"No. I'm not fishing."
"So, I'm safe?"
"You're safe."
"Louise Brooks."
She fell silent.
He stooped ever so to meet her eyes. "Am I still safe?"
"You're still safe." She replied. "I can see the appeal. Pixyish, waif of a woman with a sexual edge."
"When I was a little boy there was an old theatre about six blocks from my home that showed really old silent films on Sundays. The first woman I ever fell in love with was Lulu in The Canary Murder Case. You never get over that first attraction."
She smiled.
"And you? Surely you had a first attraction?"
"Of course." She replied.
When she said nothing further on the subject, Eddie prodded her gently. "Who?"
"Gary Cooper."
He frowned. "That's a bald-faced lie."
"Oh?"
"Who was it? One of The Monkees? Was it Peter Tork?"
Laughing, she shook her head.
"Hm…you don't strike me as a Davy Jones type of girl…was it Mike or Mickey?"
"Promise you won't laugh?"
"I make no promises."
After a moment studying his worth, she confessed. "It was Gregory Peck in To Kill A Mockingbird."
"Oh? Curious." He said. "Was it Atticus' lawyer status or father status that attracted you?"
"As a kid? I liked his height. As a woman? I appreciate his moral standing."
"This coming from a woman featured in the Gotham Gallery of Villains wing."
She ignored his taunt. "I like the humanity he displayed. How he wasn't overbearing as a father, but he made himself available to his children. He was the last American hero. A gentleman who protected the weak to the best of his abilities."
"Except for the Bat and his little clan of heroes, right?" Eddie pointed out.
"They're different kinds of heroes, Eddie." She said. "When I was a child, Atticus Finch was everything I wanted. Security, and love, and strength. He was my hero."
Eddie's arm slipped around her waist and he drew her near. "You know Atticus Finch ranked number one on the American Film Institutes list of heroes."
"Really?"
"Hn."
"Where do get these statistics?" She demanded.
His eyes twinkled. "I read a lot. Ah, here we are."
They stopped before the impressive figure of Batman. Standing on a dais, it seemed the hero stood bigger than life, towering over the Riddler and Catwoman in their hunched disguises.
"What a pompous jerk." Eddie scoffed.
Selina purred. "I'm sure he had nothing to do with this diorama. Just be grateful they didn't pose him standing over your battered body."
"Just be grateful they didn't have you worshipping at his feet." He replied dryly.
Selina hefted a warning brow at his words, but paid her no attention, his eyes on the Batman before them.
"What do you think? Same size?" He asked.
"Well, you're a little leaner, but height-wise, yeah."
"Good. Did you notice the sensors?"
"Of course."
"Do we need to linger here?"
"No."
"Fantastic. Let's leave."
As they wove their way through the rest of the museum, Selina found herself more and more often slipping her arm through his, enjoying their false normalcy.
On their way out the perky girl at the front chirped. "Sign our guestbook?"
Eddie smirked and hobbled over. "Gladly." He croaked.
At his side, Selina watched as he scrawled in the book: Gotta get back to the island! Thurston and Lovey Howell.
She didn't find it funny at all.
"Did I mention you make an adorable old lady, my dear?" Eddie asked as they cleared the doors of the museum.
**Crane**
He was in the middle of stitching a pocket on one of his suit jackets, when the sound of boots on the grating outside his lair alerted him to an invasion.
Setting down his mending, he grabbed a handful of gas bombs and his scythe and slipped into the shadows by the door.
Two forms stepped in casually and in the light from the hall he made out twin pairs of bountiful breasts.
"What brings you two back here?" He snarled from the shadows.
The Riddler's henchwomen spun in shock.
"Geez, Professor, you can't do that to us!" Nina exclaimed.
"We came back because you said you'd tell us about medical oddities some other time," Diedre said. "And…well it's some other time right now."
Setting his scythe down, Crane moved across the lair to put his gas bombs away. "What makes you think I have time to dally about with you two?' He demanded. "Go bother your own boss!"
Turning from his table he found the blonde clasping her hands. "Please?"
Nina stepped forward, holding out a framed photograph to him. "We knocked over an antique store and got you a present."
Crane eyed the offering cynically. "Why?"
The brunette shrugged. "You tell interesting stories about stuff. We like that."
"Plus when we were here before, Nina and I noticed you seemed lonely. We thought we could cheer you up." The blonde said.
"So you thought buttering me up with gifts would, what? Impress me?" He growled.
Nina shook the offered photograph. "Well, could you at least tell us if this is a memento mori? There was, like, a billion in the drawer and we had to look through them all to find it."
Snatching the photo out of her hands, he flicked on the desk lamp at his work table and eyed it in the light. Finding it hard to see without his glasses, he turned around to get them off his bookshelf, when he found the blonde already holding them out to him.
Crane took them with a nod of thanks and turned back to the photograph.
"I think…it could very well be." He muttered. "See how the woman to the right of her is slightly blurred."
"Because pictures took forever to take, right?" Diedre asked. "So if a person moved slightly, they would blur."
"Exactly. But the woman in the middle is perfectly clear. She could very well be deceased. Also, note the unnatural position of her hand. It's claw-like, seems almost arthritic. In death, at times, when rigor mortis sets in a person may curl in on themselves. All tendons retract and it becomes impossible to move the form."
Crane found himself suddenly accosted by the two young women, he was grabbed and pushed back into his chair, where they eagerly clamoured onto his lap, one on each knee.
"Tell us about the medical oddities." Diedre pleaded.
"We love the way you talk!" Nina added.
Flustered, Crane regained his sense and adjusted his glasses. "Well…um…very well. There was a story about a man during the civil war…"
Day Fourteen
**Edward**
He was standing against a street light, across the street from the Gotham Wax Works, dressed to the nines as a member of the GCPD.
Earlier he had popped into the 43rd Precinct and borrowed the uniform, because he knew that no one would call the cops on a loitering cop. For all anyone knew he was walking the beat.
Selina had slipped into the museum nearly a half an hour earlier.
Not only did he employ her to get the suit to get her back to doing what she loved, but he had realized with one of his botched pharmacy robberies that his little device could get him into a place, but not past any motion sensors. For that he needed a pro and Lina was the best of the best.
Besides, he enjoyed seeing her parade around in her tight catsuit. She didn't do it as often as he liked.
Yawning, he raised his coffee cup to his bottom lip and held it there until he was finished, before taking a sip.
From out of the darkness a slinky Catwoman scuttled proudly, a satchel on her back, no doubt filled with the faux Batsuit.
"Officer, I want to turn myself in."
Edward chuckled and tossed his coffee in a nearby bin. "How'd it go?"
"Press that little detonator of yours and find out." She replied.
Pulling the small, pen-like device out of his pocket, Edward uncapped it and waiting until Catwoman was safely behind him, pressed the button.
For a moment Gotham was silent. Nothing happened.
"Some genius." She taunted.
Edward reached behind him and took hold of her wrist. The museum disappeared in a hell-storm of fire and debris, blasting pieces of the building their way with a heavy force of air. Before any of the shrapnel could hit them, the street was gone and they were standing in Selina's bedroom.
"Hm, a girl could have fun with a device like that." She purred, pulling the satchel off and tossing it onto the bed. "Now be a good boy and promise me you're not going to use that Batsuit for evil."
"Well, define evil." He replied.
Smirking wickedly, Selina placed a clawed hand on her hip and settled the other on the pull at her throat. "Want to see something?"
"If it means you're going to pull that zipper down, then yes, very much so." He replied.
Leaning down she undid her boots, pulling them off, before returning her hand to the zipper on her suit.
It made a soft buzzing sound as it slid down, what it revealed wasn't Selina's pale flesh, but something green and peppered with black question marks.
He took a step back, adjusting the black tie. of his uniform
With that saucy grin of hers, Selina slipped out of her catsuit and stood before him in the Riddler leotard from the wax effigy of himself.
"Well," he replied. "That's a good argument in favour of the leotard."
Spinning around, she threw her arms over her head and wrapped them around his neck, draping from him backwards. "What do you think?" She cooed. "I could be the Riddler."
Pressing his hands against her hips, he moved in as close as he could. "Ah, but then who would I be?"
"You could be my slave."
"You mean henchman, right?"
Turning back to face him, she brought her hips in close to his, crushing all that made him a man roughly between their bodies. "I meant what I said."
"I'm almost tempted," he growled.
"I'm a little turned on by the cop uniform, Ed." She whispered, running her hands over the various items in his belt. "It does wonders for your hips."
"I figured it might do something for you, kitten." He replied. "Which is why I brought along the hand-"
A clicking sound alerted him to the fact that there was now a cold metal bracelet wrapped around his left wrist. He raised it up to study the situation.
"Cuffs." With a little dread in his voice, he muttered, "oh, this night's going to be different…"
**Selina**
The smell of pancakes and coffee woke her.
Outside Gotham was quiet and she languished in bed for a few blissful minutes, inhaling the smell of breakfast and the lingering scent of Eddie on the pillow beside her.
She was only a little sore from the night before. Eddie had taken the brunt of it, but then again she knew he could take it.
After she woke properly, she slipped her legs out of the cool duvet and onto the sun warmed floor.
Pulling on her robe on her way out of the room, she padded down her hall into the kitchen where Eddie was sliding a pancake out of the pan and onto a plate. He was wearing his usual suit, tie askew a bit, jacket hung on the back of a nearby chair, sleeves rolled up.
With his waistcoat on, his hips had an even more boyish look than usual and it made her smile ever so.
He smiled softly at her. "Good morning, kitten."
"Good morning." She greeted quietly. "You're still here."
Quirking a brow at the batter he was pouring onto the pan, he smirked. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No, I'm just shocked. Usually you get up earlier than me and you're off before I even wake." She kissed his cheek on her way by, heading for the cupboard where she kept her mugs.
"I was up early," he said. "I hopped out to the market, stole some ingrediants and came back." Shrugging, he pocketed his free hand, the other holding the utensil in his other. "I don't have anything on the schedule today, thought it'd be nice."
"Hm, how domestic of you." She said, pouring them both coffee. Knowing Eddie hated plain black coffee in the morning, she added cream and sugar to his. Three spoons of sugar, because he liked it sweet in the morning. "I can't help but notice you're making blueberry pancakes."
"You like blueberry pancakes," he replied.
"Don't be smug," she warned.
He chuckled and accepted the mug of coffee from her, flipping the pancake over with his other hand.
"So…you cook?"
"Cooking is just like chemistry, kitten. Add this and that and set the tempurature correctly. Viola, food or fear toxin."
"Hopefully you didn't get the recipe's mixed up," she remarked. "Or we'll be having one hell of a breakfast."
"Says the woman who put the fear of God in me last night." He stated.
She shrugged. "You're the one who brought the handcuffs to the part, Eddie."
"Yes, but you're the one who pulled out the whip."
Selina set down her mug when a knock came at the door.
Eddie frowned in the direction of her front door.
"You'd better scram."
"You'd better put away the second place setting." He said, reaching over to turn the burner on the stove off.
Hurrying to hide the evidence of a second person, Selina checked that she wasn't popping out of her silk robe, before opening the door.
On the other side Bruce Wayne stood, all expensive cologne and charming smile.
"Bruce, good morning."
"You're a hard woman to track down, Selina." He returned brightly. "I hope I didn't wake you?"
"No. I was just making breakfast." She said. "Come in."
Stepping into her apartment, Bruce looked about. "This one's bigger than the last one."
"You know me, never in the same place twice."
"Hm."
"Would you like some coffee or…?"
"No," he replied. "I, um, I came to ask a favour."
"A favour?"
Rubbing his jaw nervously, Bruce laughed. "Well, there's this rich to-do at the opera tonight. It's kind of a fundraiser for the children's hospital…"
"Um-hm?" She crossed her arms, knowing just where he was heading. He did it often. Selina Kyle, the emergency eye-candy.
"Well, I thought…you like Die Fledermaus, right?"
"No."
He turned on the charm. "Come on, Selina. For me?"
She laughed. "I hate opera."
"I'd owe you big." He said. "Name it and it'd be yours."
"A man like Bruce Wayne can't get any woman to dredge through an opera with? What happened to that blonde of yours?"
"Cindy?"
"I thought it was Toni. You know, with an 'I'?"
Taking a gentle hold of her wrist, Bruce purred, "look, Selina, I know you've been having some rough times lately. I heard about Edward Nygma. I thought getting out like old times would be nice for you. You know? Get you some pretty baubles and silk? I know you love silk."
"Amazingly," she replied, "baubles and silk can't buy me anymore, Bruce."
"Alright, after the opera I'll take you to that Japanese place you love for some mochi."
"You're not going to let up, are you?"
"I always get my man." He replied.
"I think you're a little too southerly to be using that phrase." She shot back.
At his angelic smile, she relented.
"Fine. Opera, then mochi, then you leave me alone. Okay?"
"You're a real peach, Selina. You know?"
"I know."
"I set up an account at Harmony for you to get a gown and baubles," he said. "On me. The pass phrase is Die Fledermaus."
"Yeah."
"I'll be by tomorrow night at six for you."
"Sure, Bruce."
"Hey, it's good to see you." He said, all charm and pretentious suavity dropped. "I miss you."
"Yeah, it's nice seeing you again, Bruce." She said, walking him to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye, Lina."
The door had been closed for all of a second, when Eddie appeared at her side.
"What an unmitigated pompous prince." He snarled.
Touching a hand to his chest, she moved past him for the kitchen. "Well, he thinks you're dead and he has a chance. And, Bruce isn't that bad, Ed. He's a nice guy."
"He's a sexual predator, is what he is." Eddie replied sharply. "No man acts that charming unless he's looking for something under the skirt."
"I'll go out with him tomorrow night and let him down gently."
Slumping heavily in a chair at the table, Eddie brooded.
Feeling the chill, Selina placed her hands on her hips. "Look, I don't like jealous men, Ed. So if you're going to start acting like a child over this, there's the door."
"You'd like that, wouldn't you, Lina? For me to leave, give you clear access to Bruce Wayne. And he'll show you interest for…how long this time? A few weeks? A month tops? He's unreliable and you know it!"
"Yes! I do know it, Ed! Thanks for spelling it out for dumb little me! I would have never saw it if the great Riddler hadn't thrown it in my face!" She growled. "But if you'd stop being a jealous asshole, you'd see that I have no interest in him…he's an old friend and I'm doing him a favour. If you think I'm going to suck his dick at the end of the night, then you obviously have no trust in me!"
Eddie winced as though she had physically hit him. "Well, I wish you hadn't said that."
She sighed.
"Okay, let's calm down and think rationally." He said, templing his fingers and pressing them to his chin. "I do trust you. I just don't like him. Any other man in Gotham, but something about Bruce Wayne just…irks me."
Selina smiled ever so. "I know you hate Bruce, Ed. You've kidnapped him, like, twenty times."
Eddie smiled, it was a crooked, but proud smile. "Twenty-three."
Crossing the room, she tentatively seated herself on his lap and leaned against him. "Can we eat breakfast now? I'm starved."
He pulled a face. "I…I can't…there's a image in my head of you bobbing and…it's not pretty."
She chuckled softly. "Sorry, it was in the heat of battle."
"Well, it's stuck there now…all sounds and…urg…words can't describe the horrors that now dwell within my mind."
Someone was knocking on her door again and she frowned.
"Selina? It's Bruce! Can I come in and wait for the tow truck? My car's gone flat on all fours!"
"I may have let the air of his tires." Eddie mumbled.
"All those I.Q. points become fuel for the inner child when you get jealous, don't they?" She asked.
"Well, you'll thank me when you realize that I dumbed it down from murder."