Robot521 - Well, promising to murder someone is a definite sign of true love for a villain...

Violeta27 - Bruce Wayne is hard to write, because he has little to no flavour when it comes to his character. At least that's my opinion, there may be people out there who thinks he's as spicy as a Thai noodle dish...*runs off to order Thai for dinner*

eatingsupernoodles - I always thought that if he wasn't terrorizing people or working on his fear toxins, Jonathan Crane would be a pretty boring guy. He just seems like the type to sit in at night and read or something.

NURSE J0Y - Is it horribly wrong of me that I get a little turned on when Eddie swears or does something outrageously bad ass in the comics? Like what he did to Bonecrusher. I got a little happy chill as he reached for his cane.

Renny777 - Yup. I said it once and I'll proudly say it again. You can't perform a 360 on a character's already well established mental state just because you need it for a plot point. Eddie was never a real cold-blooded killer. He risked lives when it was necessary for his own egotistical gain, but he never just killed to kill.

*checks trap*

*it's empty again, dusts for fingerprints*

Hmm, these are definitely a match to Sweden, I have my suspect now. *removes sunglasses intensely* How Swede it is. *cue pumped up music by The Who and sped up, fly-over viewpoint stock footage of Miami...possibly at night or sunset*

*resets trap*

*sets rabbit snare by the main trap*

*puts a large box propped up by a stick over top main trap*

*hides in bushes dressed as shrubbery*

That. That last one was just for me.

...what? I can't dress up like shrubbery for no reason? Well, to hell with all of ya'll!

Chapter Nine: Gummy Hands & Green Gills

Day Seventeen

**Edward**

He was gone before she woke.

Dressing for the day in his lair, he chose his cane wisely, it wouldn't be a mere trap or a trick cane for the day. It felt like a sword was appropriate for the first day of a war.

Crane's lair was his first stop and when he popped up, he found the man seated in his wing back chair reading, long legs stretched out on an old crate before him.

Easing down into the chair at his friends side, Edward smiled. "Good morning."

Crane flipped a page. "Is it?"

"So far so good."

"Said the man falling from a twenty story building."

Touching a hand to his right cufflink, Edward nodded. "I think it's time to make our move on the Joker."

Crane closed his book and turned pale eyes on the man at his side. "Finally."

"Three days."

"I can be ready by then."

"Good. Do you remember your role?"

"I'm there for the fun."

"Exactly. Don't skimp on the fear gas."

Crane chuckled darkly. "I won't."

Nodding, Edward pushed to his feet. "Well, then I'll be back."

"Unless there's a cotillion at my alma mater, I'll be here." Crane muttered, nose buried deep in his book once more.

Edward twirled his cane, his eyes narrowed under a puckered brow as he studied Crane. He opened his mouth, but thought better of it. Giving his cane one finally twirl, he tipped his bowler. "Well, it's a long and winding road and I'm a rolling stone. Fare thee well, Professor."

"You're still talking?"

"You really need to stop being rude to people, Jon. It's bad for your heart."

"I feel healthy as a water buffalo, how's your blood pressure, Ed?"

The Riddler chuckled and disappeared from the lair.

**Bruce Wayne**

Sitting in the middle of a board meeting for The Wayne Foundation, his mind was on anything but new heart monitors for the paediatrics wing of Gotham University Hospital. Mostly it was on Selina Kyle's behaviour. She wasn't the perfect social butterfly, but she never passed up an opportunity for a free meal at an expensive place, and never when it was with him.

That and he was sure someone was watching them from her rooftop when he walked her to her door.

It was dark, but he had that eerie feeling of being watched.

His instincts were telling him that something was off and his instincts were hardly ever wrong.

With the Joker back in Gotham, he barely had enough time to keep track of his own comings and goings, but something else was taking place in Gotham. He just had a gut feeling about that.

Something told him that he'd have to keep a closer eye on Selina Kyle. That she might have something to do with whatever was setting his sixth sense off.

**Edward**

"What the hell is this?"

Looking from where he studied the vine he dangled from, he found a very enraged red head storming down the aisle towards him, infant at her hip, his little chubby hands gripping the Riddler bear.

Edward had popped up in a very untimely place in Ivy's greenhouse and as such found himself entangled by her guard vines.

Despite all this embarrassment, he still had the nerve to smile down at her. "You're going to have to be specific, Pam." Resting an elbow on a vine, he cupped his chin with his hand and sighed. "There's an awful lot for me to just guess what you're referring to."

Taking the bear from her son's hands, she shook it at him. "This! What the hell is this?"

"Looks like a much beloved stuffed animal." He replied. "Dressed like a much beloved Gotham City rogue. It's actually a fairly cute little thing, isn't it? Sort of...has that stylish touch to it."

Little Victor's eyes welled at the removal of his toy and the boy began a god awful wailing the likes of which would make banshee's proud.

Ivy scowled darkly at the man caught in her vines. "You son of a bitch." She spat, before grudgingly handing the toy back to her son.

The boy immediately tucked an ear of the bear into his wailing gob, silencing his cries and appeasing his little heart.

Edward's upper lip curled at the boys behaviour. "Ugh, isn't he worried about where that ears been? That's got to void the bears warranty…"

With a cool look of disinterest, Ivy turned tail and began back down the aisle.

"How about getting your vines to give me a pass, Pam?"

She glanced over her shoulder. "You're a genius, figure your own way out."

"Well, I have an idea, but you probably won't like it." He pulled the sword out of his cane enough to show her the glinting blade.

Ivy quirked a brow, before reaching out a hand and stroking a part of her vine.

The ground immediately rose to meet the Riddler with a thump and a cloud of dust. For a moment he lay there, coughing out the dirt that had plumed up into his nostrils and down into his lungs, before jumping to his feet. He brushed the dirt and detritus from his suit and followed the woman.

"What brings you here?" She snarled.

"I came to give you a fair warning."

"You're finally ready?"

"Three days."

"Fine. Message received." She said. "Now get the hell out of my greenhouse."

"You're still going to provide aid, yes?" He asked as they approached her work table.

"Yes."

Edward beamed and sidled up beside her. "Aw, see you say you hate me, but I think deep do-awngh!" He leapt out of the path of a slimey little hand that flailed out towards him, coming from the bear chomping thing at her hip.

Ivy tilted her head. "Calm down, Eddie, he's only a baby."

Adjusting his tie to cover his embarrassment, the Riddler scowled. "What the hell does he think he's doing? People don't just touch other people like that…it's rude."

"Again, Eddie, he's just a baby. Although I'm beginning to wonder who the real baby is…"

"I wasn't prepared for that." He explained. "I mean a warning is only polite. Hell, even the doctor gives one a fair warning before just...grabbing you."

"Are…are you scared of babies?" She asked.

"Not at all." He stated, mildly insulted. "What's to be scared of? The folds of fat? Their toothless little mouths? Bah. But look at those hands. They're all gummy and YECH! He's sucking on the bear again." Calming, the Riddler twirled his cane. "I mean, do you worry at all about furballs?"

Sighing, Ivy unzipped the baby bag at her feet and pulled out a soother. She slipped it into the baby's mouth, substituting the bear. "Happy?"

"Hardly. Never get your son a pet cat."

"Yes, well, Doctor Fries is in the main house if you want to go and inform him that the plans are still on." She said. Unhitching the boy from her hip, she held him towards the Riddler. "While you're heading in that direction why not take Victor to see his father?" She smiled cruelly. "Unless you're scared to hold him?"

Edward scowled. That sounded like a challenge anyway you sliced it and he would not back down from a challenge from Poison Ivy.

Still, he thought, looking at the boy with narrowed eyes.

Those gooey hands flailed wildly, clinging to the bear with all their might, glistening droplets of slobber still plastered to parts of his little hands.

Looking back at Ivy, he found her smirking in triumph.

He would not lose to her. It would ruin his good reputation.

Steeling himself as he had never steeled himself before, he hung his cane from his forearm and stuck his hands out to receive the little chimp. "Fine."

Hanging the boy onto his hands by his underarms, Ivy frowned. "If anything happens to my son between here and the house-"

"Yeah, fine. Orifices and then murder, I know your MO. Put a little faith in my abilities." He replied, eyeing the baby, trying to figure out where to put him. "I know how to care for a child, Ivy." He went on. Ivy had him resting on her hip, but he didn't exactly have the hips that a woman had…so with one last deep breath, he settled the boy against his chest, the forearm that had his cane dangling from it, coming up to rest under the boy's diapered bottom. "It's not theoretical physics." He finished proudly.

"Which is, by the way, something your son will never even begin to comprehend, given his genetic make-up." He stated with a final turn, leaving the woman at her work table.

He would need a very long, hot shower after he was finished. And the suit would more than likely need to be tossed.

Oh, the things he did to keep Ivy from triumphing!

Carefully, he made his way down the aisle of plants in the greenhouse, keeping one eye on the boy and another on the vines the child liked to hang him with.

The baby watched Edward with big blue eyes, no doubt plotting his next move and the Riddler chose to ignore the look, making this interaction as professional as he could with one party drooling all over his favourite silk tie.

"You don't have to vomit or anything, do you?" He asked the boy as they neared the door into the world beyond the greenhouse.

Blue eyes blinked at him.

"I mean before we leave your mom behind." Edward said. "Look, I know you can't talk yet, but you should be able to understand vomit, right? And since your neck isn't being supported, I'm assuming you have developed the neck muscles that enable you to nod or shake your head. So, just give me a firm nod if you intend on expelling any sort of fluid on my person. It's only polite to give a warning."

The baby blinked up at him again.

"Very well, I'll take your silence as a 'no'."

Outside, Edward made his way quickly and carefully towards the house.

"You know," he said to the baby. "I was an infant once, so...we have one thing in common. Of course I was more intelligent than you are, but that's just genes, it's not your fault. You have a better father than mine, so I guess in the long run we both win. I mean, my father was an ass and yours seems fairly intelligent."

They walked on for a beat.

"Your mother, not so much."

**Crane**

He looked up from his reading to find a dark head poking into his lair.

Crane smirked and clapped the book shut. "Come into my parlour," he greeted calmly.

Selina Kyle tentatively entered. "You're not still looking to gas me, are you?"

He chuckled darkly and pushed to his feet. "No, I managed to find a test subject on my own."

She held out a take-out container in one hand. "I brought you some food, but I see you're doing well for yourself."

They both looked about his lair. "Yes, it's disgusting, isn't it?" Motioning to the chair at his work table, he said, "come in, please, sit down."

She quirked a brow at the gas bombs he had left scattered across the surface. "I'm fine over here."

Scowling, Crane grabbed hold of his burlap bag and gathered the bombs into it, cinching it closed tightly. "Better?"

She still looked doubtful. "Pass me the mask."

Tsking, Crane did as she asked, throwing his Scarecrow mask her way.

Catching it with a free hand, she set the food down to pull the mask on.

"Wow, this thing's itchy."

"Yes, it's delightful isn't it?"

"Masochist." She replied, handing off the food to him.

Pulling his chair to the table to sit across from her, Crane opened the food. "Would you like some?"

"No, thank you. I'm feeling kind of lousy today."

Shrugging, Crane dipped into it. "Do you have a reason for coming back?" He asked. "Other than the atmosphere."

"I just get the feeling that I'm on a cruise whenever I visit." She replied. "Although today the motion of the ocean is making me a little green around the gills."

"I think if you're looking for a cruise ship, even a garbage barge would be better than this old tub. And when you leave take a handful of cats with you, they've run out of rats and mice to devour and now take to stealing my dinner." He growled.

"The cats go where they want, I have no control over them." She said.

"It's beginning to feel like ancient Egypt around here," Crane snarled. "Can't throw a stone without hitting a cat."

"You don't throw stones at my cats, though. Do you?"

"No." He stated, adding softly, "is the best answer to that question."

"So, who's been helping you fix up this place, anyways?"

"I'm not sure. I woke up on morning and it was like this." He replied.

Pushing the mask up, Selina Kyle frowned at him. "Are you keeping a lady somewhere on board, Captain Hook?"

"The only woman on this ship is that stray queen you brought that had a litter in the hold." He growled.

Pulling the mask off completely, she set it on her lap and fingered the rough burlap.

"When did the fad for hate turn from Batman to the Joker?" She asked.

Crane looked over his glasses at her. "I don't concern myself with the Bat, he's the one who sticks his nose into my business."

"That's because you're usually doing something you shouldn't be doing." She replied.

"Who decided he gets to be judge and jury?" Crane snarled. "The man isn't above the law, he's like the rest of us, only instead of looking out for himself, he conforms to please the general public."

"Jon, you go around gassing people for kicks."

"It's research!" He snarled.

"It stopped being about research five years ago." She stated. "Now it's just for the hell of it! Let's face it, you get a sick sense of pleasure out of making people miserable!"

Crane chose to ignore her, but she kept talking, pushing him back into conflict with her.

"I don't know why you can't just let it go. Forget Batman, forget the Joker and forget Harley and just move on, Jon."

He quirked a brow. "Let's talk about you and something you've never let go, Selina."

"This isn't about me."

"It is now." He said firmly.

She pushed to her feet, but Crane was a bit faster than her, taking hold of her wrist and shoving her back into the chair.

"What was it that made you impenetrable? Caused you to close in on yourself?" He demanded, resting a hand on the table and leaning over her. "Was it rape?"

Selina eyed him coolly, before looking away. "What do you care about what happened to me?"

"I don't. I just to pick people's brains. Were you molested as a girl?"

"Keep me in this chair any longer and you'll find yourself with one less eye."

Crane grabbed a hold of her hair and twisted her head back. "What happened, Selina?"

Her hand shot out and she jabbed him in the eye.

He reeled backwards, holding his eye. "You bitch!"

Selina stood up. "Aw, what happened to our camaraderie, Jonny?"

"I looked into the matter, Lina!" He snarled. "And you know what the consensus on the streets is? Selina Kyle used to be a whore!"

She lunged herself at him, planting both feet and hands on his chest, pushing them both to the floor. "I preferred prostitute, Jon! It sounded more professional!"

He gripped her wrist and twisted it, as they began fighting on the floor like a couple of deadly children.

Slamming her against the table leg, Crane scrambled to his feet, about to plant a boot to her side.

Her own foot struck out and hit him in the knee and he crumbled to the floor at her side. Crawling over him, she wrapped a well manicured hand around his throat and took hold of his testicles with her other. "Your boys or your life, Jon." She spat.

Not willing to let her live, Crane raised his knee and managed to land it hard in her side. Taking the distraction to extract himself from her grip, he took hold of the nearest weapon he could and struck.

**Selina**

The first thing thing she saw when she opened her eyes was a pair of big, eerily pale blue ones.

"You probably shouldn't tell Edward about this," he greeted calmly.

She glanced down to find him stitching up her forearm with swift efficient swoops of a needle.

"You hit me in the face with a hard cover book, you prick," she growled. "Why is my arm bleeding?"

"You cut your arm on the way down and I saw fit to repair the damage."

"How's my face?" She asked.

He smirked his barely there smile. "It's looks terrible, but there's no damage."

"Great, not only do I suffer the shame of being defeated by the Scarecrow and Robinson Crusoe, but I also have to wake up to a world where you think you're a stand-up comedian." She growled.

"You have a lovely epidermis." He replied.

"You're just saying that to keep me from tattling." She replied with a smirk.

Jonathan Crane chuckled. "Have you seen Edward when he's mad? Can you blame me?"

"I'm not a tattletale." She said. "Besides, I gave as good as I got." She reached up with her free hand and poked the bruise around his eye.

He flinched. "Keep poking and the needle will slip."

She dropped her hand.

"You know I'm only doing this as a courtesy to Edward. If you were anyone else, you'd probably be overboard by now."

"It's nice to have powerful allies." She stated.

Nudging a bottle of brandy close to her hip, he suggested she take a swig.

Selina shook her head. "Don't need it."

"Well, aren't you the war hardened mercenary."

Inside her apartment later that evening, she hung her keys on the peg by the door and stepped into her hall, heading for the bathroom to take a nice, long, warm bath. Her tits ached like hell.

As she passed by her dark living room, something caught her attention and brought her to a halt.

Batman stood in front of her window, tall and ominous.

"What do you want, Bats?" She asked.

"Justice."

About to make a smart assed remark, she caught herself in time. Something about Batman's voice and jaw was a little off.

Reaching out she flipped the light switch.

Batman flashed her a very boyish, almost coy grin.

"Eddie?"

"How's the voice, kitten?" He asked, pushing the cowl off his head, letting it hang behind like a hood. "I've been working on it for a few days."

"Not bad. Could fool a stranger I suppose." She replied, moving across the room towards him.

"How's the suit look? I don't look like a fat, sweaty businessman in a dime-a-dozen polyester suit, do I?" He asked.

She ran her hands over the suit. "No, you look good."

"I had to pad the suit at the shoulders and thighs," he said. "Let out the crotch a little, but I think it looks believable."

"Hm, and just what are you going to use it for?"

"Discounts, mostly." He said. "Maybe use it to get out of a few parking tickets…"

"I'll bet." She replied.

Leaning down he confided. "I feel a little ridiculous dressed like a bat."

"You look good, Ed."

"I know I look good, but do I look good in a bat suit?"

"Well, I'd tell you, but your ego doesn't need further stroking."

He chuckled. "Ah, keeping me humble won't keep me from being superior. That comes naturally."

"You know, Eddie, that ego of yours is going to get you into a lot of trouble someday." She purred.

"Who says it hasn't already?" He inquired, then motioned to her bandages. "What happened to your arm?"

"I talked back to a window today, it broke down and we got into an argument." Patting his chest, she sighed. "Okay, it's getting weird now. Go take the bat suit off."

Setting his hands on his hips, he struck a heroic pose. "I don't exactly have the urge to fight crime...but I do feel like lurking on rooftops with my cape billowing in the wind."

"I'm going for a bath." She said.

As she turned to walk away, Eddie proclaimed proudly.

"Pigeon, hand me my bat shark repellant, I have sharks to fight!"

**Crane**

Against the fire in the evening sky, Jonathan Crane's tall, thin figure stood, scythe in hand, staring down at the abandoned toy factory where the Joker and his group had set up.

He felt that if he stared hard enough, his eyes could pierce the brick of the building and he could see inside, see her.

But in the dimming light his eyes failed him, so he contented himself with watching the unmoving, unfeeling building.

"Ya know, if you smiled more often, ya'd be handsome enough to be a model!"

He wasn't a soft man. There wasn't really room in him for feelings and emotions, but he had to admit when Harley was nearby she somehow brought something human to him. A touch of something alive.

"Hm. Guess I gotta make ya smile, huh?"

Of course when she left, she took his humanity with her.

But he wasn't a weak man. If he had to, he'd kill her. There would be - could be - no hesitation. Edward could have his revenge on the Joker, but Harley would be his.