Sunlight pours into the room, painting a golden line of light across Leah's naked body and making it even harder to leave. He can still taste her on his lips and feel her heat against his skin, even though he's on the other side of the room. It feels like what they did last night has made her a part of him, but he knows that's not true. She has always been a part of him.
Edward sighs and walks over to stand beside the bed, drinking in the sight of her unconscious body. He brushes his fingers along her hip, delighting in the heat that seeps into his fingertips and quickly closes his hand into a fist. There is no time for indulging himself; he's going to be late as it is, but he couldn't resist touching her one last time.
He grabs the comforter and covers her, leaning down to place a soft kiss on her head. She shifts in her sleep, turning her face into the pillow. A muffled grumble escapes her mouth, but she quickly stills and he is sure she is still asleep. It's better this way, he thinks, while straightening his tie. She needs her rest and some time away from him.
He walks over to the door but pauses for a second to give her one last glance. His phone chirps in his hand, telling him that he is officially late. Leah shifts again, her head turning toward him as if to remind him to leave, and he smiles despite the pain he feels over having to go. He closes the door softly and walks down the hallway.
As he passes his bedroom door his steps falter, and he comes to a stop. He raises his hand, his knuckles inches from the smooth wood, but he can't bring himself to knock. His leans forward, pressing his forehead to the surface of the door and wishes he could summon the anger he felt the night before to help fight back the guilt.
It's a pathetic, selfish wish. Shame overwhelms him for a moment, threatening to make him breakdown, but his phone chirps again. He steps back from the door, takes a deep breath, and heads down the stairs.
He steps out into the crisp November morning. His breath slips from his mouth in ghostly puffs that quickly disappear even as they appear. Edward thinks about how the air is still there, even if he can't see it, like sin stains a soul. He grimaces to himself and climbs into his car.
As he pulls away from the house the guilt breaks free and floods him, drowning him from the inside. He tries to breathe through the waves of disgust and shame, but his mind is stuck in a loop of self-accusation.
He reaches the church parking lot in a matter of minutes and pulls into an isolated spot. His heart rate is elevated, and he can feel the sweat soaking through his shirt, the stench of it stinging his nose. He shuts off the engine as the effects of a mild panic attack start to grip him. The nausea rolls through him and forces him to lean his head against the steering wheel.
Edward tries to breathe slowly and focus his mind on calm, soothing images. As his eyes close the only images that come to mind are of the night before, of Leah and their night together.
Last night
"I can hear your heart beat," Leah whispered, her breath tickling his skin and making him laugh breathily.
"Thank god," he said melodramatically and couldn't help but smile. "I was worried that you killed me with how incredibly beautiful you are when you come."
"Jesus, I cannot believe some of the things that come out of your mouth," she laughed and playfully slapped his chest, but her eyes were glittering with humor and mischief.
"Yet, you seemed to enjoy the things I can do with my mouth," he pointed out with a smirk.
Herresponsewastoleanforwardandgentlybitetheskinrightnexttohisnipple.Hegroanedinprotest,andshequicklylickedthebiteinapology.Theachingtugofdesirecoiledlikeaserpentinhisgroin,andhegaveintoitsdemandtopressagainsther.
He rolled her onto her back, shifted between her legs, and pinned her hands to the mattress on either side of her head. Leah gasped, her face a mask of surprise and glee. She smiled up at him, her body pressing up into him, and he allowed himself to revel in the moment. He didn't want to think about what happened before they got here, or what would happen after. All he knew or cared about was how soft and wet she felt against the head of his dick. How she moaned his name and the way it ricocheted through his body, making him dizzy with hunger.
Her legs wrapped around his hips, her body opened for him, and he happily took the invitation. Those first few moments, when he was barely inside her were unlike anything he had ever felt – the newness of it, the wonder in her eyes and the shocking heat of her body. He loved ever part, every second of their first time together, and wished he could stretch the moment out forever.
She shifted against him, causing him to sink deeper and faster than he planned. He groaned, and she cried into the skin of his shoulder. Her teeth scrapped his skin, and the stinging intensified the sensation of being inside her. The pain and pleasure mixed into a familiar burn that resembled the desire he had always felt for her.
"You feel amazing," he breathed the confession into her hair, and she turned to cover his mouth in a kiss.
He shifted his hands to her face, holding her in place, and deepened the kiss. His tongue stroked the inside of her mouth, while he sank into her. She gasped, her breath flowing into him, and he gladly took it in, wishing he could have more of her. He wanted every part he could get; he was greedy for it and wished for the time to enjoy it all. To be drunk on her, to be with her, and to finally love her in the way she deserved. The way he has always yearned to love her but knew he never could.
He pushed away that last thought from his mind, reminding himself that nothing existed outside of that moment. Leah moved against him, their bodies finding a rhythm that felt so right it made him whisper 'yes' against her neck. Her strength pushed him, making him work harder to drive them both toward ecstasy.
Leah didn't want gentle touches. She demanded raw passion with every movement of her body. She drew her nails across his back, marked his skin with her teeth, and nearly drove him insane with the way she moaned his name. He was in very real danger of tumbling over the edge before he could drive her there first.
Edward refused to disappoint her and rose to the challenge. He shifted his hips and changed his angle until she was shaking in his arms. Her breathing came fast, and her face flushed a dark scarlet while beads of sweat dotted her hairline. He kissed them away, savoring the salty taste and the sight of her overwhelmed with the pleasure he was giving her. She couldn't seem to catch her breath, but she didn't stop looking at him.
Her gaze was like a steel cord, connecting them in that beautiful, private moment. Leah's eyes looked into his, seeing him in a way that no one ever could. Naked in his greedy and pathetic need for her, he let her see his weakness, and despite it all Leah didn't look away. Her eyes reflected nothing, but love and acceptance. That was what finally tripped him up and sent him tumbling headlong into his climax. He choked out her name, while his body shuddered, and his hips jerked.
Edward continued to move, while she kissed his face and told him to not cry. It was fantastic, amazing, and humiliating. He had never cried during sex before. He was overwhelmed with emotions and the realization of what they had done. Guilt and shame tainted his euphoria, sending him crashing back to reality.
Leah pulled him down to the bed and laid his head against her shoulder. She told him to close his eyes; they would figure it all out in the morning. He pulled her hand from his hair and kissed her knuckles, wishing he had the courage to tell her how he felt. Those three words were trapped in his throat, threatening to choke him to death. It was all wrong.
Wrong place, wrong time, but that's all they'd ever had. Patience was never his strong suit, and Leah could never tell him no. Deep down he had always known how she felt about him, but he turned a blind eye to it. Until now, when his own pain and cowardice made him stupid and selfish.
Leah was right; he had no intention of making things better. All he had done was make it worse. It was a horrible, ugly truth to face. At a moment when they should have been happy and basking in love, they clung to each other while Edward cried.
"I'm sorry," he whispered against her collar bone.
"I know," she sighed and told him to close his eyes.
Present
"What do you want me to tell you, Edward?" Carlisle is wearing a tired expression that Edward is sure has to do with the sordid tale he has just related to his pastor.
"I'm asking for help," Edward says, dragging his fingers through his hair, and starts to loosen his tie.
"That is precisely what I've been trying to do for the last six months," Carlisle says, leaning back into his arm chair, and covers his mouth with his hand.
"I know, but now I'm willing to listen," Edward jokes, but his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"I'm glad you can joke at this moment," Carlisle scolds with a stern expression. "You are married, and Leah is your sister in law. Even if she wasn't, what you've done has the potential to be extremely damaging to everyone involved."
"Don't you think I know that?" Edward argues, but his sudden flash of anger dies away in the face of Carlisle's unsympathetic expression. "The damage is done, now I need to know how to fix it."
"In all honesty, I'm not sure there is a way to fixit," Carlisle sighs, threading his fingers together, and sets them on his lap. "We can, however, figure out what your next step should be."
Edward sighs, despite the painful lump in his throat, and tries to keep his breathing steady. He didn't want to have another panic attack. The medication that he'd avoided taking for the last few months was steadying his nerves, but only just enough to keep him from breaking down. Carlisle didn't normally condone medication, but since he had to practically carry Edward from his car into his office, he made an exception, saying "Godisn'tgoingtodenyadrowningmanalifesaversolongsashelearnstoletitgooncehe'sondryland."
Edward loves his pastor's simple, straightforward approach. It was one of the reasons Edward started to seek out his advice, and eventually started seeing him on a regular basis. Carlisle was a clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, and the church pastor. Edward feels lucky he has someone to talk to today, when it feels like his entire world is crashing down around him.
"Do you love Bella?" Carlisle's question catches Edward off guard, but he answers immediately.
"Yes, of course," Edward says without hesitating, then stops to think when he sees the look on Carlisle's face. "I know my actions don't show it, but I do. Things have been so difficult lately, with her being gone all the time, and now this whole thing about moving to Houston…we haven't been like we used to be. It doesn't feel like we're in love anymore. Does that make any sense?"
"I didn't ask if you were inlove with Bella. I asked if you love her," Carlisle clarifies with a shake of his head.
"Is there a difference?" Edward shakes his head, confused and a little frustrated.
"Yes," Carlisle sighs, leaning forward in his chair a little to give Edward a serious look. "Love isn't a thing; it is an action. If you love your wife, you have to be honest with her and try to work through the issues in your marriage."
"What about Leah?" Edward asks, feeling anxious and guilty. "I...I love her too."
"Edward," Carlisle sighs heavily and cracks his neck to the side. "If you want to be fair to both of the women you love, you need to address the issues in your marriage first."
"So, you're telling me to stay with Bella and cut ties with Leah?" A cold, heavy sensation settles in the pit of Edward's stomach at the thought.
"I'm not telling you to do anything. I'm advising you to clean up one mess before making another one," Carlisle says and stands up from his chair. "Now, I'm sorry, but I've got another appointment in a few minutes. You know you can call me if you have any more questions."
"Okay, thanks," Edward mumbles, rising from his chair, and heads towards the door.
"Edward," Carlisle calls after him, and he turns back to see a warm smile on his pastors face. "You're a good man, but even good men make mistakes. The important part is to stop making them. Keep it in your pants until you either get a divorce or decide to commit to being faithful to your wife, okay?"
His words are like a punch in the gut, but Edward accepts them with a nod and leaves the church in a daze. He walks through the parking lot, passing his car and doesn't bother to stop. The sunlight has warmed the air slightly, but he can still feel the cold nipping at his ears and nose. He breathes in the crisp air and keeps moving his feet.
When he finally stops he is standing in front of Leah's apartment building. He shoves his hand in his jacket pocket, running his fingers over his key chain, and finds the spare key she gave him years ago. It was a gesture of trust and love that deserves a similar kindness.