Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever, owned shit.

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Yeah, I took a hiatus for a couple days, but I'm back now. I had some gin earlier, and I'm ready to roll again! Here we go, press 'START'!

Ok, last we left off, Steve was confessing his aspirations of becoming a suppository, of sorts…CM Punk smells garlic, and, thanks to Alicia Fox, Natalya has a creative use for her newly-purchased "cellphones". However we're gonna' join up with Santino and Alberto, as they've made it to the gas station…

Alberto and Santino push the car to a pump and Alberto sighs and says, "Ah, at last we make it to Citgo Station, my friend!"

Santino looks around and sees the station sign. He says, "Uh, we're at the Gulf stations."

Alberto snaps back, "Alberto knew that, ju' buffoon! He was just practicing for…uh…the next gas station we…uh…come to, jes' that's it!"

Santino rolls his eyes, "Eh-sure you were, Alberto."

Alberto points at Santino, saying, "Oh, I know what ju' are trying to say. Well, Alberto Del Rio is not illiterate, my friend!"

Santino shrugs, "Okaaaaay…fine, I believe you. Say, why don't you pump the unleaded gasolines, eh? Eh-Santino will go into the quick stop area and get some Twinkies and eh-Sprites.

Alberto says, "Hey, while 'ju in there, get me a bag of Doritos and a Coke."

Santino nods and heads inside the store…

Alberto mutters to himself, "Oh well, back to the task at hand. Now let's see…Unleaded…un…lead…ed…come on, Alberto, you can do this…if it's unleaded, it doesn't have lead like a pencil…the opposite of a pencil would be a pen…pens often have blue ink…so it must be the blue pump!"

(As Alberto confidently begins pumping gas, Santino returns with Twinkies, Sprite, Coke, and a bag of Doritos.)

Santino says, "Well, Santino's set. I have my eh-Sprites and I have your Soda and Doritos!

Santino looks over at the gas pump and notices something strange…

"Hey, what are you doing? That's not unleaded gas! It's Diesel!"

Alberto looks down at the pump and then at Santino, "Wait, ju' mean it's not unleaded? Um, I mean, I knew that it wasn't! This is MY car, and I make the gasoline decisions, ju' little bitch!"

Santino starts, "Eh-look…give it up. I know you can't—"

Alberto relents and admits, "Alright, alright already! That's right, Alberto can't read! There, are ju' happy? Ju' have exposed the greatest champion in sports entertainment as a fraud. I bet ju' feel like a big bad man.

Santino shrugs and says, "Actually, it's eh-just kind of sad. I mean, aren't you supposed to be writing a book?"

Alberto shakes his head, "All lies! JK Rowling is my ghostwriter; that's why there are going to be so many pictures. Een' fact, senor—I'll be 'jusing an excerpt from a Harry Potter book to describe my title reign! Look my friend, just promise me you'll keep my illiteracy a secret. If word of this got out, I'd be ruined."

Santino nods and says, "Eh-don't worryyyyy…Eh-Santino will keep your secrets safe with him, eh? Besides, we have more important things at hand, like winning this thing here!"

So we'll leave them to pump their gas and we'll rejoin Vince, back in his condo in Wichita, KS. THIS time, He's watching a Kansas City Chiefs football game. His face is painted one side red, the other side yellow (just like the team colors). He's STILL in his boxers and wife-beater (sleeveless undershirt for those unfamiliar). Let's join him as he watches the game…

Vince takes a bite out of his turkey sandwich and yells, "FOUL? FOUL? HOW THE HELL CAN IT BE A FOUL, YOU MORONIC REF? I SWEAR, IF YOU WORKED FOR ME YOU'D BE FIIIIIIIRED!"

He THROWS the turkey sandwich against the screen as the phone starts ringing. Still angry at the ref's call, he's not paying attention to the phone ID. He answers it, "Dammit, HELLO? HELLO?"

The voice on the other end replies calmly, "Hello Vince."

"Oh no—Linda?"

"Of COURSE, sweetie! It's me! And you KNOW what I want so don't you deny me!"

Vince cringes and says, "Oh no you don't, Linda! No you DON'T! Now you listen to me, you—"

Linda cuts him off, "NO, YOU listen to ME! We need new bedsheets and we need them NOW! In fact, while I have you, I want some douche as well—and it BETTER be my favorite—'Peach Passion'!"

Vince whines, "Aw, come on, Linda! You know that-that 'Peach Passion bullshit gives me headaches!"

"SHUT up, VINCE!"

"No YOU shut up, Linda! I'm DAMN sick and tired of buying douche, bedpans, bed SHEETS, adult diapers, granny-panties, incontinence briefs, and—you know what, come to think of it—why is it you always have me buying KY Jelly?"

Linda replies, "Now look, Vince—"

Vince cuts HER off and continues, "No, no, no—I want to know why you INSIST on having me buy you KY jelly? I mean, as weak as YOUR bladder is, you're ALWAYS wet! And stop asking me to go down on you—your unshaven, nappy-assed pussy smells like a urinal!"

Linda angrily retorts, "Look pal, your BALLS aren't exactly springtime fresh! And let me ask YOU, wiseguy—why is it that your balls are so much bigger than your dick, huh asshole?"

Vince fires back, "Oh yeah, well thanks to your damn bladder issues, the few times we fuck, I can't tell if you CAME or if you just PEED! You like to take pride in being a 'squirter', but the problem is that I can never be sure what you're squirting! And, in case you're wondering—THAT'S why I now wear a face shield to bed!"

Linda says, "You insensitive asshole! I'm sure you know why I'm always asking you, 'is it IN yet?'"

"No, why DO you ask me that, Linda?"

Linda sighs and says, "Man, you sure are thick, aren't you? Look, just get the fucking bedsheets and come home—I need some lovin'! I need a MAN to do it with me, and…well, you're the closest thing to one that I have, so move it, buster!"

Vince snarls and just looks at the receiver. He finally says, in a calmly angry voice, "…I hate you."

Linda cheerfully says, "Well, I LOVE you Vincey-wincey! See you when you get home! We're having liver and onions for din-din, and for dessert, it's me and my WEAK BLADDER, you DICK!"

She slams the phone in Vince's ear. Vince hangs up and his face is beet red with anger. He looks around the room, looking for something to throw. He picks up the remote and throws it through the TV screen, "Grrrrggh….GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I fucking HATE that…bitch!"

Looking at his now-destroyed big screen TV and suddenly realizing what he's done, he angrily gets his cellphone out and makes a phone call. "Hello, Wal-Mart? Yeah, this is Vincent Kennedy McMahon! And I need a new TV, NOW! So, if you're smart, you'll send one up immediately!"

Well, ok then…let's join up with CM and Kofi, as they've eaten and are now approaching Oklahoma City…

CM says, "Hey Kofi, let's get something to eat, dude."

Kofi nods, "Sure mon, 'dat sign back 'dere said that there's fast food up ahead at the next exit, here. Kofi takes the exit and the guys pull into a Sonic Drive-thru.

Kofi asks, "You know what you want, mon?"

CM strokes his chin, saying, "Hmm….yeah, I know."

Kofi pulls ahead to the speaker and a tired-sounding, but eerily familiar voice comes on the speaker…

"Hello, thank you for choosing Sonic Drive-thru, may I tyke ya' orda'?"

Cm and Kofi glance at each other due to the familiarity of the voice. Kofi whispers, "Mon, you recognize that voice?

CM replies, "Yeah, but honestly—it could be anyone—it's a British accent, and all."

CM orders, "Uh, yes, I'd like a double bacon cheeseburger…with cheese—"

The voice over the speaker cuts him off, "—Sir, you JUST said you wanted a double bycon cheeseburger, no need to ask for cheese again."

CM says, "Oh, right…ok then. Uh, I'd also like some onion rings and a medium Sprite."

"Sorry sir, we don't serve onion rings at this location—we have tater tots or fries."

CM furrows his brow and asks, "Wait—what do you mean you don't sell onion rings? I mean, every other location has them, why—"

The voice interrupts again, "—Sir, look…'ull we 'ave are fries and tots, it's not difficult."

CM turns to Kofi and says, "Wow, this guy's having a bad day, huh?"

Kofi nods and says, "Ha! Seems like that, mon."

The voice comes back on, "So, would you like the fries or the tater tots? Rememba'—fries…tots."

Cm rolls his eyes and says, "Ok, I…I guess I'll have the tater tots."

"What size?"

CM, starting to lose his patience, firmly replies, "I'll have a medium, smartass. And that'll be all…thanks."

"Will that be 'ull?"

CM glances at Kofi, who's snickering a little. CM replies, "Didn't you just hear me say that that'll be all today?"

"Wait while I get your total."

CM looks at the order screen and sees his order being keyed in and deleted, then keyed in again, and so on. He wonders what's going on and says into the speaker, "Uh…hello? Everything ok?"

There's no reply from the speaker. About 2 minutes pass and the voice comes back on, "Uh ok…you total is 9.50. Pull around to the second window."

CM turns to Kofi and says, "You know, people KILL me with that. If you don't like your job, QUIT! This was YOUR career choice, so don't be giving ME a hard time when I come into your establishment hungry! You know what I mean?"

Kofi nods, "Yes indeed, mon. "

So after a couple moments, they pull up to the window. The gentleman leans out to take their money, he says, "Ok, that's 9.50, then."

CM and Kofi look at who it is, they shout in unison, "DAVID HART SMITH!"

David rolls his eyes in embarrassment. Cm says, "Hey, should've KNOWN it was you—with that attitude and all!"

David leans out and says, "LOOK…mate! I'm just trying to myke a living! My cable was shut off last week and I need money. TNA told me that 'they weren't hiring'. I tried to drop my dad's nyme and those executives looked at one another as if they didn't even know who he bloody WAS! So excuse me if I seem a might bothered! Oh yeah, here's your food!"

Kofi and CM look at each other and shrug after David slams the drive thru window shut.

Cm starts eating as Kofi drives back onto the highway toward Oklahoma City.

Let's stop here tonight. Will Vince and Linda's love life ever get "dried out"? Will Alberto FINALLY purchase a 'Hooked on Phonics' lesson rather than another Porsche? (Lord knows it'd do him some good.)

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So join me next go-round—same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel!