Chapter Twenty-One: Forgiveness
Remus found Lily sitting in the Gryffindor common room, staring blankly into the roaring fire. Harry was in his pajama's, sucking his thumb and trying not to fall asleep on her lap. Her eyes were red-rimmed with dark smudges underneath of them.
"I don't know what to do, Remus."
He wasn't certain she had even been aware of his presence. The hollowness of her voice scared him and he wondered how many blows a person can suffer before they collapse completely. Quietly, he went and sat down on the overstuffed couch next to her. Harry turned his droopy eyes towards him and immediately stretched out his arms. Smiling slightly, Remus picked up the boy and tucked him into the crook of his arm. Lily didn't even seem to notice Harry had left her lap. "The things that Severus said were strictly under the influence of the horcrux."
Her eyes fluttered tiredly. "I know that. But didn't he have to feel some of those things in order for them to be manipulated."
Remus took a deep breath. "I spoke with Dumbledore shortly after Severus came here. Dumbledore told me about his conversation with Severus that night and I think it is a safe assumption that we both trust Dumbledore's insight. He said that Snape showed true remorse over James' death. With the state that Severus was in, Dumbledore was even able to use legilimens on him and confirmed those emotions as true."
"Why? Why would he be remorseful? He hated James."
Remus shifted on the couch, trying not to jostle the now sleeping Harry but still trying to release some of his nervousness. "Lily, you have to know how Severus feels about you by now."
She dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her temples. "What does that have to with his feelings towards James?"
"The thing that Severus fears the most is seeing you hurt, emotionally or physically. He may not have been grieving over James' death but he most certainly has been tortured by watching you grieve. If he could have saved James in order to stop you from feeling pain, I believe he would have. And so does Dumbledore."
"It doesn't make sense, Remus." She sniffed and he realized with a jolt that she was crying. "How can he feel that way and make the choices he made? I thought he loved me when he chose the Dark Arts over me. How do you explain that?"
Remus didn't have an explanation for that. "I can't but I know someone who can. Look, I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down right now. I've been fighting with Sirius and holding real conversations with Severus." He smiled wanly. "The world really is coming to an end."
Lily have a short laugh and brushed her tears away. "I still don't know what to do. He was such a good friend and I cared about him. I still do but I can't help but feel…"
"Guilty?"
"James never understood why Severus and I were friends to begin with. I can't imagine what he would think now."
"Maybe you shouldn't be thinking about that right now. Sirius has a second chance with his brother. You have a second chance with Severus. Life doesn't normally hand us second chances so it's important to take them when they're offered."
"I don't know if I can love him the same way he loves me. I can't even think about something like that right now."
"Then don't. What I meant was start rebuilding the friendship again. What happened tonight was not his fault." Remus shifted and pulled out a handkerchief. He unfolded it to reveal the locket. "Here, just hold it for a minute."
She gave him a disbelieving look before taking the locket into her hand. The look on her face changed almost immediately. It was the same strained, distant look that Severus had before the darkness took over. Remus reached over and firmly yanked the jewelry from her hand and refolded it up into the handkerchief. Lily gave him a surprised look.
"I didn't expect…I didn't think it would be that powerful."
"My thoughts are, neither did Severus."
She found him by using the Marauders Map and could barely believe what her eyes were showing her. She brought an extra heavy wool cloak with her out to the lake and as she neared where Severus was sitting, she was thankful she did. He was sitting in the snow by the base of a leafless tree, looking out at the frozen surface of the lake…no cloak, scarf or gloves. He was just hunched over, shivering like the perfect black and white image of misery.
"Sev?"
He didn't even acknowledge her. Without saying anything else, she went over to him and silently wrapped the cloak around his shoulders and sat down on the cold ground beside him, still keeping her arm around his thin, shaking shoulders. He still didn't say anything and his curtains of black hair hid his face from her view.
"Sev, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have h-hit you."
"I deserved it," came the whispered response.
"No, no you didn't. I was wrong. I didn't think about it being the locket. Please, look at me at least."
He shook his head. "No, just leave me be."
Lily noticed he was still shivering and hit him with a warming charm. "Look, I've really enjoyed these last few days with you. I love that we're able to be friends again. I've really missed you."
He didn't say anything at all, but continued his shaking even after the warming charm. An uneasy feeling settled in her stomach and she slide her arm from around his shoulders and grabbed a hold of his arm. "Sev. Sev, what's going on?"
He sagged against the tree with a low groan. His thin arms which had been wrapped around his torso fell to his side. She looked at the long fingered hand and noticed how it was the same color of the snow but then the snow started to change color from pure white to crimson red.
"Sev!" She grabbed his arm and shoved his sleeve up to see a large gash across his wrist. Blindly, she reached for his other wrist and found it was in the same condition. She fumbled with her wand, her fingers numb from the cold. "Sev, please, please don't die. Not now." She started a healing charm but he had enough strength in him to pull his arm away from her.
"Let me go," he whispered. "Can't take this any more."
"Take what?" Lily still was fumbling through the fabric of the cloak and his shirt. "Take what, Sev?"
"You being…" he took a great shuddering breath, "so angry."
"I'm not angry with you," she finally found his wrist again and yanked it towards her, murmuring the healing charm he taught her when she healed the gash on his back. "Please, Sev. Believe me." She snatched up his other wrist started the healing charm on that one. They weren't completely healed but it would enough till she got him up to the school. "Sev! Please, can you get up?"
He made a feeble attempt to push her away before he collapsed completely onto the snow covered ground. She tried screaming his name to wake him up, even using a revenerate charm but nothing worked.
"What the bloody hell is going on out here?"
Lily turned to see Sirius had made his way out into the cold, followed closely by Remus. She stumbled her way to Sirius and grabbed a hold of the front of his robes. She knew she must look half mad and truth be told, she felt that she was.
"Sirius, please, you have to get him up the castle. Please."
"If you don't do it," Remus said, already walking towards Severus' prone form, "I will."
Sirius looked torn. "Lily, honestly. What would James think about this? It's Snape, for Merlin's sake. You know how many times he hexed us?"
"Not the exact number no, but I do remember you sending him down the passageway of the Whomping Willow." Lily shoved him away from her, forcing him to stumble a few paces away from her. She was screaming at this point but didn't really care. "You could have killed him! Or at least infected him! And did you ever consider how that would have made Remus feel? No," she answered before he had a chance. "Severus is to me what James was to you. He's my friend, my best friend and I love him."
"Padfoot," Remus called, "he's in bad shape. You going to help me or not?"
Sirius stared at Lily, not quite sure what to make of her rant. After a few heartbeats, he nodded his head and helped Remus carry the pale, unconscious form of Severus back up to the castle. She followed behind them, suddenly feeling too exhausted to put on foot in front of the other. The walk back to the hospital wing seemed to take forever but they finally made it. Poppy looked unsurprised to see who her patient was again and merely went about healing up the wounds on his wrists the rest of the way, applying dittany and forcing a blood replenishing potion down his throat.
Lily pulled up a chair beside the bed while Sirius went over to check on his brother and Remus returned to the Tower to continue watching over Harry. Lily refused to be budged from her chair, even when Poppy insisted she sleep in a bed. Stubbornly shaking her head, she grabbed a hold of Severus' cold hand and refused to let it go. When sleep was about to finally win it's battle, she merely rested her head on the side of the bed, never letting go of what had almost been taken from her.
Severus opened his eyes and was slightly depressed to realize that the afterlife looked a lot like the Hogwarts infirmary. After a few blinks, all the familiar aches and pains came back to him and he realized it wasn't the afterlife…it was just the infirmary. Again. He really had seen enough of this place.
He moved his one hand and held it up to look at the damage. Poppy had done a great job healing up the scars on his pale wrist, it didn't even look like a scar would form. He tried to lift the other one only to find he couldn't. A slight wave of panic overtook him until the pale face of Lily came into focus. An intense stab of pain went through his heart. The reason he wanted to end this life and get into the other as quickly as possible, was now laying over his left arm.
The truth of the matter was very simple: he loved her more than anything this world had to offer. She only saw him as a friend. He had hoped that she at least had loved him as friend and perhaps when they were children, she had. Love erases those mistakes that you make and immediately regret because the one who loves you recognizes your weaknesses and compensates for them.
She should have known him better than to take the "mud blood" to heart as she did. She should have known the words he spoke last night were under the influence of something much stronger than any liquor or drug. She should have known how much he loved her, that anything and everything he had done in his life had ultimately been for her benefit. But apparently she didn't and his heart couldn't take it anymore.
It was a cowards way out and he hated himself even more because of it, if that was even possible for him to hate himself more than he did last night. If she hadn't found him, he would have died peacefully, in the snow by the lake where he lost her with that slip of the tongue. It seemed a fitting end in his mind but once again the cruel fate that ran the universe decided it wanted it's favorite yo-yo to play with still.
So here he lies, staring into the face of the beautiful angel that drove him to absolute and complete ruin. If she wanted to spend the rest of her days hitting, punching and scratching him, he was resigned to stand there quietly and let her do it. Just as long as he could steal moments like these, where sleep had effectively erased the lines of grief, worry and pain from her face. She still looked so much like that freckled little girl who hung onto his every word. How he wished she would do that again.
She stirred and her brilliant green eyes glinted in the early morning sun that was streaming through the large windows. She sat up from the bed and rubbed her eyes, taking in the surroundings with a weary air just as he had. When her eyes finally rested on him, he didn't know if he should smile, frown or pretend to be asleep still.
"How do you feel?" she asked, her delicate fingers wrapping around his forearm.
How did he feel? Broken inside, like there were too many pieces that couldn't be put back together again. He had tried piecing himself together before but it seemed every time he tried, there was always one or two pieces that went missing and he kept being less and less of the man he wanted to be. So how did he feel? To put it into eloquent phrasing, "Like shit."
"I know the feeling."
He doubt she knew the extent of his feelings but he didn't say so. She was absently rubbing her thumb in small circles on his forearm and he tried to stay dead still so as not to discourage the touch. He closed his eyes and fell into the private fantasy that this was just a regular morning, one of hundreds that he had woken up to: Lily at his side. He allowed himself a small smile before he blurted out, "I love you, Lily."
"I love you too, Sev."
She had said the words but not with nearly the emotion that he felt for her. She loved him as a friend, nothing more but nothing less either. It would have to be enough for now. Perhaps she still held those missing pieces of himself and could one day restore to him to what he could have been.