A/N: As much as I love Caskett I always thought that at some point Rick should have really confronted Beckett about lying to him and in a way that he doesn't just roll over when she gives some lame excuse. This is what I thought or would like to have seen after 47 Seconds when he finds out she's been lying to him all that time. So this is a little A/U. Castle doesn't go back to the precinct after going to the memorial and Beckett wonders what's going on. Also, I wasn't sure in the Limey when she talks to Lanie if Lanie knew about Castle saying he loved her or that Kate really did remember so for this I'm going with she didn't know that. I may continue it but for now it's a one shot.
/
It had been a draining few days and everyone was exhausted but grateful the culprit had been caught. Beckett had come out of interrogating Bobby and noticed the coffee on her desk but Castle wasn't there. Esposito had told her he said needed to take care of something but he never came back. She leaves for the day but instead of going home she stops by his loft. She knocks on the door and after a few seconds it opens.
"Beckett?" he asks in surprise, "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you." She says, "I came out of interrogation and my coffee was there but you weren't."
"I told Espo I had some things to take care of." He says flatly
She can tell something is bothering him, maybe the weight of this case, but it seems there's something else, "Is that all it is?"
"Yeah, why?" he says
"You don't seem like yourself." She observes, "I know this was a tough case and we're all drained but I know you and I don't think that's it. So what's going on?"
"Oh, you want me to tell you how I'm feeling? You want me to be honest with you?" he says his tone growing in anger
She gives him a bewildered look, "Castle, if something's wrong just tell me."
"Like you told me the truth?" He says
"What are you talking about?" She asks
He wasn't ready to confront her, he thought maybe he wouldn't, but she's here and he can't hold it in any longer, "Like you told me the truth after you were shot and for almost this entire year."
"I don't-"
"I heard you, Kate." He says, "I came back with coffee and Espo told me you were in interrogation and I went in and listened."
"You heard me what?" She asks
"I heard you tell that little weasel that he couldn't use being traumatized as an excuse not to remember. You told him, Kate." He says trying to catch his breath, "You told him you remembered everything about being shot."
Her face falls.
"Including what I said to you as you lay dying on the ground in my arms." He says
"Castle, please." She begins
"Please what?" He snaps, "You didn't have the decency to at least tell me that you don't feel the same way. It was easier for you to lie."
"How do you know I don't feel the same way?" She asks
"Come on, Kate. If you did you would have said so." He says
"Castle, I couldn't deal with it. Not then." She says, "I needed time. Time to heal. Time to get stronger."
"Well, you've had plenty of time and even though I've asked you since you still lied right to my face."
"I didn't do it to hurt you." She says
"I deserved better than that, Kate." He says, "After everything we've been through. I deserved better from you."
"Rick, please try and understand." She pleads, her eyes becoming moist
"Save it." He says, "We're done. You don't have to worry about me hanging around anymore."
Her eyes widen in surprise, "Castle, I…I do love you."
"It's too late. So, just go. Please."
"Castle…"
"I said leave." He says and turns his back to her
She starts to say something else but thinks better of it and walks out the door. She leans up against the wall in the hallway and tears stream down her face.
/
"I blew it, Lanie." She says sitting on her couch with her best friend
"What happened?" Lanie asks, she came over after getting a text from Kate that said she needed her ASAP
"Castle knows." She says
"Knows what, sweetie?" Lanie asks softly
"That I remember the shooting." She says
"Wait, you remember being shot? Since when?" Lanie asks in surprise
"Since always." Kate explains
"So, why does that upset him?" She asks
"Because when I was lying there and he came to me he told me that he loved me and I've been telling him this entire time that I don't remember anything about what happened." She explains
"He told you that and you didn't tell him you remembered?" Lanie asks
"After I was shot I needed time to heal. To get myself straightened out."
"Well, you've done that. So why didn't you tell him?"
"The longer I waited the harder it became, I guess."
"How did he find out?"
"He heard me in interrogation with the bombing suspect. The guy way trying to say he didn't remember anything because he was traumatized. I told him he couldn't use that excuse because I had been shot and remembered everything."
"Castle was listening? Did you know that?" Lanie asks somewhat bewildered by her friend's behavior
"No, I didn't." Kate explains, "I came out after and he had been there and left me my coffee but he left. So when he didn't come back I went to see him."
She paused and took a drink of wine.
"He's so angry with me." Kate says, "And I guess I can't blame him."
"What did he say?"
"He told me he knew and that he deserved better than that from me after all we'd been through." She says, "And that it's over."
"Did you tell him you love him, too?" Lanie asks bluntly
"Yeah and he said it was too late." She explains
"I'm sorry, sweetie." Lanie says, "But he's right."
"What?" Kate asks
"Look, I'm your best friend and I've always got your back. But best friends also tell each other the truth." She says, "You didn't contact for three months after you were shot and then lied to him after that. He's crazy about you but even writer boy has his limits."
"I didn't want to hurt him." She says, "I needed time."
"You can't keep using that as an excuse." Lanie says, "You did hurt him and I think it's time you own up to that."
Kate just nods her head.