3. Espionage Mission
There is nothing Ganondorf and his minions can do about the frozen Fi, whom is trapped in ice in the frozen wasteland far north of Hyrule. Zant harmlessly taps on the glass-like ice, effectively irritating Fi, but he'll never know that.
Ghirahim is dressed in an insulated version of his cape, a scarf, and a heated sash. He consults with the hardcore Lord Ganondorf about the situation. Ganondorf's twisted mind concocts a scheme so bizarre that it might just work. He asks his minions, "Are we prepared to head home?" "Any time before my beautiful figure turns black with frost bite," you can guess which narcissistic minion replied like this.
The desert doesn't seem so bad after visiting the ice lands. Ghirahim and Zant strip their winter wear, and in the process they are overjoyed to the point where they can be manipulated to do almost anything. You know that feeling when you're so happy for whatever reason that nothing can get you down, even being told to do boring chores around the house? That's what Ganondorf's minions are feeling right now.
This is Ganondorf's opportunity. It may have been the cold keeping him from thinking straight, but the Gerudo king devised a tricky and risky plan whilst being refrigerated up north. With Fi trapped in the snow and ice, there will be one warrior missing. There will be one warrior missing no matter what until that ice thaws. Someone might miss Fi, unless Ghirahim pretended to be Fi. In this case, the warriors would have a Fi (though not the original), but would be missing a Ghirahim.
Listening to this scheme, Ghirahim about snaps out of his joyful trance, yet doesn't quite. He voices his concerns, but nonetheless trusts Lord Ganondorf and is willing to go through with it. He begins the transformation by going shopping for clothes in his size that look similar to Fi's attire.
Meanwhile, from just a few of the many disposable monsters in Ganondorf's army, Zant is informed of a rumor about the light side of the Guardian of Time. Like a game of telephone, he divulges this information to Ganondorf. Ganondorf doesn't consider the accuracy of the multiple-source transferred message. For the sake of the story, it isn't important to note how distorted the story became by the time it reached Ganondorf.
Where there is a Lana, there should be a Cia. Ganondorf wonders if he should provide a Cia to accompany Lana to Hyrule Castle. Zant might be a little tall, but with the right magic and make-up, nobody would be able to tell the difference. The plan is risky to begin with, so what the heck.
By this time, Ghirahim has sufficiently acquired a costume and messed around at the vanity long enough to where, if he didn't sound like Ghirahim, Zant would have mistaken him for Fi. Ganondorf will never know where or how Ghirahim got a hold of blank, blue-tinted contact lenses.
…
Her other half may have taken a few-days' vacation to Hyrule Castle, but Cia stayed at the Valley of Seers. For old time's sake, she summons her former full-time minions for a game of War. The board game of War acts as a battle simulator for the warriors. Cia would often plan her battle strategies using the pieces and cards of this board game. Better yet, playing War inspires Cia to try new approaches to the game and in real battles. Many of the tactics Wizzro uses to beat Cia in the game are utilized on the battlefield.
Cia owns a customized War board game. Today, the trio decides to play the game as themselves. Before her defeat in the real war, Cia would have Wizzro play this game with her as the enemy she was about to start a real brawl with. She would learn what not to do or how to react to the enemy via the board game before stepping foot on the battlefield. Yet, she still lost her fair share of tussles, and she blames Wizzro for not preparing her correctly. But I digress.
On the board, Cia and her adversaries have each chosen two allies (whether those warriors would realistically fight alongside them or not), and five of one type of soldier captain. So, to clarify, Cia currently has her card as the head commander, the Link and King Daphnes cards as second commanders, and five Stalmasters. The little soldiers that count for 90% of your total KOs in battle and can respawn pretty randomly are theoretical for this game, and in War battle scenarios never cause the fall of commanders or soldier captains. Though it is possible for a warrior to be struck down by a minor soldier, it isn't likely, therefore isn't possible on the board game.
Wizzro has a bias for darkness element weapons and warriors, so his impish commanders will probably be tossed around by Cia and Volga's commanders. Wizzro has faith in them and his skill in this game anyways. He'll pull off a victory like he always does. Plus, he chose Moblins as his solider captains, causing groans of annoyance from Cia and Volga. If Cia gets Link, and Volga gets Zelda, then Wizzro should at least be allowed the most irritating soldier captain.
Volga takes his commander and makes a daring move. "In an effort to subdue them from the inside," he begins by moving his card. "Zelda utilizes a great deal of magic to masquerade as Link and safely enter Cia's base." This is a plausible event, so neither Cia or Wizzro can call this out.
"You pretty much sentenced her to death by doing that," Wizzro grumbles. That was actually a clever move from Volga, and Wizzro is just a little jealous that he didn't think of that first. He very well could have done the same thing with Midna.
Rather than jealous, Cia is inspired. She stands up, slapping her palms on the table. "We can finish this later!" she hollers. This startles the men. Abandoning the table, the three start walking towards the exit.
Cia explains, "Ganondorf will take any unfair advantage he gets, and I don't want Lana spending time at Hyrule Castle to be Ganondorf's opportunity." She turns to the ring wraith. "You can perform a little spy work, can you not?" He can, but Ganondorf is sure to find him if he tries to stay out of sight.
"Then you will hide in plain sight," states Volga. "But choose wisely which of Ganondorf's subordinates you impersonate. You need to act believably." Cia and Volga consider this carefully. Is Wizzro more similar to the quiet, two-faced, work-on-the-fly Zant, or the expressive, plan-driven, narcissistic Ghirahim? Will Wizzro choose to silently and intently note everything Ganondorf has to say, or will he engage in conversation and speak his mind as new thoughts pop up?
The latter for both questions, definitely. Wizzro takes Ghirahim's form. Though slightly discolored, nobody should be able to tell the difference. In the style of Ghirahim, Wizzro says before departing, "When I return, we shall finish what we started, our game. I look forward to it." In a display of diamonds, Wizzro is gone.
Cia looks at Volga. There is no possible way Wizzro can complete this mission alone.
…
Headquarters is so quiet that one would think nobody is home. In fact, Ganondorf is home alone. As he suspected, HQ is only noisy and chaotic because of the mentally-developing adult minions known simply as Zant and Ghirahim (in that order. Everyone refers to the duo using Zant's name first. Ghirahim doesn't understand why this occurs.)
Ganondorf is just about to start enjoying himself when 'Ghirahim' shows up. The Gerudo King stands up and faces his minion. He teases, "Do you need me to run over the plan again?" Wizzro, who is masquerading as the demon lord and thus far succeeding, is caught off-guard. He thought he would have to probe Ganondorf for a plan first, so hearing the word 'plan' in the first thirty seconds upon arriving is quite unexpected.
Wizzro stutters before asking politely to hear the plan. He never asks politely, even when pretending to be someone else. Ganondorf has done a number on him without placing a finger on him.
The king silently counts to ten, taking deep breaths in an effort to prevent a migraine. He starts from the beginning, "Remember, Fi was frozen in the ice... you go in as Fi… and I don't know, cause havoc or something. You and Zant are good at that." Wizzro blanked out during that where the '…'s are, but he thinks he got the main idea.
Something seems off, so Ganondorf questions, "You're awfully quiet, Ghirahim. You had nothing snappy to say during that?"
"A guy can't just be lost in his own world for once?" snaps Wizzro. The guy asked for snappy, so Wizzro is going to give him snappy. Ganondorf would be mad if he wasn't so amused.
Then Volga dressed as Zant enters the room. Wizzro has compared the two men before, and Zant is not nearly as buff as Volga. Not to say Zant isn't strong in his own right; Wizzro is just saying that by physical appearance one would assume that Volga possesses more strength, or at least lifts weights.
Wizzro facepalms.
"Now what?! Don't tell me you forgot what you were doing, too!" bellows the now furious Ganondorf. Zant is to Ganondorf as Volga is to Cia; the obedient, generally quiet, mostly dependable commander. To see Zant at HQ rather than executing the plan makes Ganondorf upset.
This is Wizzro's chance to probe. "Wait," he mutters. "What was Zant supposed to be doing?"
"Kind of like how you're supposed to be Fi at Hyrule Castle, he's supposed to be Cia at wherever she is supposed to be. I left that up to him to figure out, but instead he's here and not even in costume."
Not even biting his tongue can keep Wizzro from chuckling. Both he and Volga are utterly humored at the thought of Zant in Cia's clothing.
Ganondorf interrupts their fun by pleading, "I'm desperately asking you to confirm to me that you actually do know what Cia was doing and where she is." Volga can't say anything for two reasons: 1) he can't speak for Zant, as he doesn't know Zant's current progress, and 2) he isn't quite sure what Ganondorf is looking for in this oral report. Knowing hardly anything about the Twili, Volga is at a disadvantage.
"Vol- er, Zant, can I talk to you for a moment?" Wizzro asks. He stopped himself before giving away Volga's identity, because that would have been bad.
The wizard has saved Volga from having to answer Ganondorf; a miracle. Ganondorf allows his 'minions' a moment to speak in private. Wizzro gently leads Volga around the corner, far out of earshot. Wizzro immediately asks, "Who did we get our orders from?" His tone doesn't make him sound confused, but rather he appears to be looking for assurance or a second opinion.
"UM… Cia." Then Volga catches Wizzro's brainwaves. "Wait, you don't actually believe that we wouldn't be able to tell the real Cia from Zant dressed as Cia?"
Wizzro shrugs. "That's what I thought at first. 'Oh, Zant would never be able to pull off Cia. He's got no bust.'"
"TMI."
"But then I remembered that Zant and Midna are technically both Twili, granted Midna is a little cursed right now."
"Her curse is on and off. I've tangled with her while she was curse-free a couple of times."
"Will you stop interrupting me!?" Wizzro squeals. Volga places a hand over Wizzro's mouth, which isn't as nasty and slobbery while he is in Ghirahim's form. Upon release, Wizzro nods whilst he decides amongst himself to be quieter. He continues what he was saying in an audible whisper; "Like I was saying, it might be possible for Zant to use shape-shifting magic. Yes, my shape-shifting is a little rough, but who is to say that Zant's isn't spot on."
Volga is worried about Wizzro's mental health. Is he feeling alright? He never thinks highly of anyone's abilities, or at least doesn't verbally admit when he does. However, he has a point. Volga can't deny that Twilight magic is powerful, and on top of that, Zant may or may not be aided by Ganondorf's magic.
So, did they take orders from the real Cia, or Zant masquerading as Cia? …This is all very confusing. But something doesn't add up. Volga inquires, "Why would Zant turn around and send us as him and Ghirahim to spy on Ganondorf? What motive would he have?"
"What motive would he not have?" Wizzro's reverse psychology works every time. This didn't answer Volga's question, but he thinks he understands what Wizzro is trying to say. He's trying to say that the guy doesn't need a motive; he just does what he wants.
Instant gratification is technically a motive, but if Volga were to bring this up, the duo would enter a world of philosophical debate, and they don't have time for that. What they need to do right now is go back to the Valley of Seers and interrogate 'Cia', if she can truly be called that.
…
Ghirahim facepalms.
Everything about this is wrong, and Zant can feel it. Anyone in their right mind would notice something strange. To list just a few things to notice: Cia's figure is a little more curved than his; Cia's hips are as wide as, if not wider than her shoulders, which Zant is the opposite; his complexion is gray, versus Cia's tan; the way the fake breasts move is enough to show they are fake; his butt is flat (don't go look at Cia's rear end for comparison); and finally, if Cia's mask were to come off, his face would be revealed and destroy the mission.
What Zant is wearing can be described in one word- Wrong.
Lana tilts her head and squints at Zant. Oh no, you idiot, she has already found you out, Ghirahim thinks. There is an awkward pause, then Lana asks, "Have your arms always reached past your knees, Cia?"
Zant feels faint. Lana is quick to react to his sway, catching him before he falls. "Well no wonder you look strange! You've lost so much weight! I haven't noticed you eating any less. Are you alright?" she worriedly questions.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Ghirahim can't believe how brainless these people are. Is he the only one that can recognize Zant without his helmet? This is ridiculous beyond levels of comprehension. What is this, a cartoon?
The residents of Hyrule Castle, and Lana, curiously look at whom they believe to be Fi. Ghirahim looks at all of them, and he can feel his face start to flush. He loves attention, but not while dressed as the opposite sword spirit.
Hidden from everyone, Zant smirks slyly. He musters the strength to stand up on his own and say, "That's quite a display of emotion, Fi. Are you hiding something from us?"
Ghirahim is tempted to speak his mind, but he's too good of an actor to fall out of character like that. He crafts a response that will convey to his peer just how he feels, but inconspicuously in the style of Fi; "I have analyzed you and determined that you are indeed Cia, the same Cia that nobody likes."
Zant loves this. He got the message. The only thing more fun than embarrassing Ghirahim is irritating Ghirahim. It may or may not have been established yet that Ghirahim has anger issues.
The joke is on Zant when Lana's arms wrap around him in sympathy. "That's not true, Cia! You're not the villain anymore, so we like you." Zant's chest was already warm against fake breasts, but now it feels sunburned. (For clarification, sunburns feel like fire to Twilis.) He currently has all the same symptoms as feeling faint, only he can't go unconscious, which is really unfortunate.
Lana is not letting go. Ghirahim doesn't know whether to laugh or to feel embarrassed. He feels embarrassed that he has to work with this guy anyways, but now it's worse. When the two make eye contact, Zant mouths a desperate 'help me'. What is Ghirahim supposed to do, get a crowbar and pry the sorceress off of him?
Impa, Zelda, and Link are all in the room at this time. They have been in the room this entire time. And now Impa finally speaks up, saying, "I think she understands, Lana. You can let go now." Lana releases and stutters, "S-sorry Cia. I get emotional. But, yeah, we've got work to do. I'm glad you decided to come!"
With that, everyone but the imposters leave the room. This gives Ghirahim the privacy to scold his co-minion, to which Zant finds amusement. Or, at least, he would find amusement if he wasn't scarred for life by what just happened. At least thus far the mission hasn't been compromised, which is a miracle in its own right.
…
Cia can't take a nap in these conditions. A bright light illuminates the darkness under her eyelids. She opens her eyes. The source of the light is being dangled over her eyes, so squinting is the only way to see what's going on. Volga's Dragonbone Pike holds a flashlight above Cia. Cia sits up, the light moving accordingly.
Marin intimidatingly asks, "Where's Mr. Krabs?!"
Volga shakes his head. "Wrong fictional universe, Marin." Marin steps back with a cheesy smile. She ran into Volga and Wizzro as they were heading back to the Valley of Seers. Though at first she mistook them for Zant and Ghirahim, they corrected her by revealing who they were. Marin was undeterred by their reveal and decided to follow them anyways.
"Back so soon, boys?" Cia questions whilst yawning. Marin responds, "We'll be asking the questions around here." Cia now understands what's going on; a classic interrogation. Oh boy, what do these idiots want from her this time? (Cia is used to the randomness of the world by now.)
"We spoke with Ganondorf," explains Wizzro. "We know who you are." To get someone with an alibi to confess their true identity, you must first convince them that their disguise has been compromised.
Well, this method doesn't work if the person being interrogated is currently not trying to hide their identity. "The Guardian of Time?" Cia inquires. "I thought you guys knew that." "I don't mean to correct you, but you are half of the Guardian of Time," Volga politely disagrees. Cia shakes her head and says, "No. I am the original Guardian of Time with the light from my heart removed. I suppose you can say I'm like a starfish; a limb is removed, I grow that limb back, and my disembodied limb grows a new body. I'm still the original starfish." Volga can't argue with that logic.
This is stupid, Wizzro ponders to himself. They've gotten nowhere. Volga can sense Wizzro's hopelessness. He hands his pike to Wizzro as his way of saying 'leave this to me'. Cia is allowed to stand up. Volga explains that since this Cia is obviously the real Cia, he can ask if she sent them to go spy on Ganondorf.
Cia is thinking abstractly and making inferences. To summarize her train of thought, if her own minions are questioning if she is truly Cia, then someone else must have taken her identity. She bellows, "Who has stolen my name?!"
…
Crash! The castle doors are wide open. "ZANT!"
Every living thing at Hyrule Castle is scared stiff. Lana dashes into the foyer from the kitchen. She is excited as always to see Cia. With a friendly wave, Lana greets Cia.
Cia has urgent matters on the brain. She purposely strides over to Lana and asks, "Lana, have I already been here since you have?" The reason Cia asked this was to see if Zant is here. Lana nods before saying that she thought Cia was upstairs.
Volga and Wizzro are looking up at the second floor. Cia's impersonator and Fi's impersonator are peeking around the wall, terrified. Zelda storms in from the hallway opposite of Zant and Ghirahim. Volga, following a personal code of chivalry, says, "We apologize for letting ourselves in, Princess." Zelda accepts Volga's apology, but a shiver is sent up her spine when Wizzro grins at her from below.
Zelda counts two of Cia, one upstairs across the hall and one downstairs with Lana. When Zelda ran in and Volga noticed her, so too did the Guardian of Time, light and dark. "Zelda," Cia yells. "The other Cia is an imposter!"
All that is left to do is boldly step forward and object. "Now wait just a minute! Who are you supposed to be!?" Zant retorts. Cia grimaces with both disgust and hatred. "As if you don't know, Zant!" Zant flinches, cover completely blown.
"Hold up… that's Zant?!" Zelda is in utter disbelief. Upon switching glances between the real Cia and Zant dressed as Cia, Zelda can tell the difference. She feels really stupid now. "Oh great Hylia," she mutters. "This is so wrong and so embarrassing. I can't believe I actually thought he was Cia."
"It's ok, Zelda. I fell for his disguise, too," Lana confesses. Of all people, she should be able to recognize a Cia fake. But, if Zant was Cia all this time; "AAA! I actually hugged Zant!" squeals a horrified Lana. Wizzro finds Lana's despair humorous.
Ghirahim nods. "He took it like a pro and didn't regurgitate all over you." Before Zant humiliates himself by thoughtlessly admitting that Lana's hug wasn't so bad, Cia declares that they catch the imposter. A chase ensues. Volga and Wizzro are halfway up the staircase when Zant launches himself over the railing and softly lands on top of Lana. He evades Cia's grasp and charges through the castle, which he familiarized himself with during his time there on the off-chance he would need to flee through it sometime.
Fi's impersonator runs the opposite way of his red-handed partner-in-crime. His escape attempt is futile when Wizzro places himself in between Ghirahim and the nearest window. Ghirahim comes to a skidding halt and stops only Wizzro's arm width away from colliding with the wizard.
Playing with his victim, Wizzro coos, "Oh Fi, don't you wish to help us catch and punish Zant?" He cackles in his usual way. Ghirahim is on the defensive. What would Fi do? Kick him! Wizzro's reflexes are on point, and he swiftly dodges Ghirahim's hostilities. Ghirahim loses his balance and is left open. Wizzro is done playing games, so he says, "We've seen right through your petty disguise, Ghirahim! You're in trouble, too, you know!" Ghirahim isn't going down, not unless Wizzro can catch him.
In a comical display, those seven warriors scamper through the castle, always passing through the foyer. At one point, Ghirahim bashes into Zelda, recovers, and continues on his way knowing that Zelda still thinks he's Fi. Zelda starts to pursuit Ghirahim only after seeing Wizzro on a mad dash for him. Cia steals a taste of the soup the royal chef is preparing as she pursuits Zant through the kitchen. It's a really good soup. Lana trips on the rug in the foyer, causing a chain reaction of tripping. Volga trips over her and rolls to a halt, but not before tripping Cia. Zant manages to hop over Lana, but he lands on Wizzro at the foot of the stairs. He is the only one to avoid tripping, as Zelda and Ghirahim tumble down the stairs and crush Wizzro again. That's six of the seven warriors down.
Zant continues to run a victory lap around the castle.
The front door bursts open. "ZANT! GHIRAHIM!" Zant pivots his foot before stepping foot back into the foyer. He talks to himself, saying, "Lord Ganondorf, run!" Returning to the kitchen, Zant slips on the dropped butter and goes spiraling into the pantry. A chef can't work under these conditions! He throws his hat to the ground and stomps off.
"Ganondorf!"
"Cia!"
The dark sorceress is just as surprised to see Ganondorf here as Ganondorf is surprised to see the real Cia. This encounter places them both in an awkward position. Volga is the one to help Cia, Lana, and Zelda to their feet. Ghirahim and Wizzro can get up themselves.
Marin peeks around the hefty Lord Ganondorf. "I'm sorry. I thought Ganondorf could shed some light on the situation."
Zelda nods. "I can understand that since he's a down-to-business kind of guy," the princess agrees.
With that said, Ganondorf asks the all-important question; "Where's my Cia?"
"Over here, my lord," stutters an ashamed and messy Zant, stumbling in from the kitchen. He joins the line of warriors standing before Ganondorf. Ganondorf tells him that he looks like he just came out of a casserole, and Zant agrees. He licks the cream of mushroom soup off his shoulder, which would be a lot easier if he possessed Ghirahim's tongue.
Speaking of Ghirahim, Zelda questions why Wizzro was chasing whom she still believes to be Fi, and Ghirahim rubs the blue make-up off his face. Now Zelda really feels like an idiot. Ghirahim fixes his hair as Ganondorf assures himself that Ghirahim is in fact Ghirahim.
"You were acting strange earlier, which is why I'm just making sure," Ganondorf explains. Volga inquires, "You are referring to earlier today when Zant and Ghirahim came and asked you what they were supposed to be doing?"
Ganondorf raises a suspicious eyebrow. "And you know that how?"
"Yeah, that was us," Wizzro blatantly admits. Volga removes his costume Zant helmet from a tote bag he has been carrying since removing his costume. At this point he believes the Gerudo king has a right to know. "I haven't seen Ganondorf from the point I left on this mission," Ghirahim confirms, further proving Wizzro's words to be correct.
It all becomes clear, and Ganondorf meets eyes with Cia. He isn't mad; he's just shocked. "Y-you sent these guys to spy on me at the same time I sent my men here?" he asks. Cia nods.
The irony is too much. Lana looks fondly upon this little misunderstanding. She starts to laugh. Like a contagious disease, one after the other the warriors in the room catch the giggles, laughing along with Lana. Everyone feels like an idiot, whether they were in a costume or fell for the disguises of the disguised. Every one of them was in one of these two situations with the exception of Marin. To be honest, she really has nothing to do with anything here and should probably make herself scarce.
There is just one loose end that Zelda intends to tie up. "So, if Ghirahim was Fi this whole time, where's Fi?"
Author's Notes- I loved writing this story/chapter. When explaining the plot to my little brother, he got confused as to who was where dressed as who. Point is, it was funny. I'm taking the feedback from my last author's note questions and considering things. Additionally, now I've got some new questions- Which warriors need the spotlight? Which warriors should interact with each other? Just to get some idea gears turning.