6. The Last Thing They Expected
Nothing surprises Cia. As if she can see the future, (which to a limited extent, she can), she doesn't react appropriately to things that should cause one surprise. Her surprise birthday party was a bust because she wasn't surprised. She didn't even flinch when watching Volga eat a rabbit whole. She seemingly wasn't intrigued to learn that Wizzro actually has a body hidden within the robes. Like what was written before- nothing surprises Cia.
Everything above is exactly why this instant will go down in history. Cia gawks at the light driven from her heart. "You, of all people, learned mind control?"
Lana shrugs, nervously rubbing her hand up and down a special scepter made for her. The one she possesses doesn't work as a whip like Cia's, but it suffices as a walking stick. To be honest, she's still working on it. She hasn't nearly mastered mind control; she just discovered it was possible for her to learn it yesterday.
Legitimately impressed, Cia laughs and says, "Well I'll be darned. I never would have guessed I had it in me!" Lana will take that as a compliment. They are the same person, after all.
Cia stops smiling. Let's get real, here. "But seriously, if you're going to continue mastering it, wait until you're certain what you want to happen will happen. At this point, you've only messed up once. You convinced Wizzro that he's pregnant. We don't want to mess up anybody else."
"Are you suggesting he wasn't messed up to begin with?"
Well, Lana's got her there. "Ok," Cia admits. "We don't want to make things worse. You made a point with that last statement, but that's not the issue."
Lana asks, "We shouldn't fix Wizzro?"
Cia shakes her head, annoyed now. "There's no fixing him, whether he thinks labor is on the way or not." And to that, Lana nods.
The Hylian soldiers live and work as a community, kind of like living on the college campus. This creates a special bond amongst the men, on and off the battlefield. Unfortunately, Link is a part of this community. And frankly, nobody knows how to properly wash cotton tunics!
A real shrinkage scenario, Link's shirt and tunic have both shrunk after one of the many soldiers was tasked with washing and drying the clothes. His tunic might fit on Toon Link now, but not adult Link.
Well that sucks, mostly because Link was tasked with visiting Gerudo Desert, and now that he doesn't have any shirts, he'll get sunburned something terrible. That's just fantastic.
Later, upon arriving at the desert, Link discovers Cia's minions. Or, well, her former minions, but they still work alongside her sometimes. Without attracting their attention, Link moves on.
What's more frightening is Link catches up with Cia. He won't know this until she reaches her destination, but she means to speak with the Great Ganondorf himself. These matters are strictly business.
Link is promised something interesting when he stalks the sorceress like Midna stalks him from is shadow. (This is unrelated, but he's only found Zant in his shadow once, and the dude traveled across the shade to speak with Link about a life-or-death situation, otherwise he wouldn't have gone through the trouble. But I digress.)
Cia stands before Ganondorf at the Sacred Grounds, confident and poised. Her fingers gently caress the handle of her scepter. All the while she grins at him. The King of Evil doesn't look so flirtatious, standing stiff, tall, and stern. His arms are down to his sides, and he doesn't lose eye contact with the dark sorceress.
"You wished to propose a deal?"
She sighs. "Yes. Yes I have."
Link listens intently. His interest is peaked, like Skull Kid after catching someone mention a present for him.
Cia pauses, as that is polite to do before proposing anything. Ganondorf says nothing during this pause, so Cia can now make her proposal. She begins with a little backstory; "I'm sure you remember sending a little scout to the Eldin Caves, only to have them return without the cookies."
Link is over there like "what?"
Ganondorf's eyes narrow. "First of all, I coach two very tall boy scouts, not girl scouts. And secondly, if I did coach girl scouts, I would want them to return without cookies. That means they sold them. …Or ate them," he corrects.
"Or those poor girls were hijacked, but that metaphor was a bust anyways," Cia says to wipe the board clean. She starts over, stating, "Long story short, you sent Ghirahim to seize the Eldin Caves single-handedly and he got his pale tooshie whipped by me."
"Hm… He failed to mention that."
Cia chuckles. "I'm personally patrolling those caves. That simply means that you aren't taking them, or you're going to have a heck of a hard time doing so."
"Why?" Ganondorf pokes his fat nose into this situation. Cia is speechless. How does she answer that? She mutters, "I'm… sticking around to assist when someone gives birth."
Now Ganondorf is very confused (and so is Link, more than he was before). Perhaps she was being facetious and would just rather not say. Ganondorf ignores her last statement and forgets he asked. Then he proceeds to say, "That must be the subject of this deal you wish to establish with me."
Once again, the sorceress chuckles deviously. "How perceptive of you," she sings. "You can try and take the caves from Volga and Wizzro and I'll stay out of it, but only if I can have your headquarters."
That sounds rather unfair! The king grunts and snarls, "Why should I have to fight for the caves while you just take my HQ?"
Cia isn't amused. This was exactly the reason she brought the dragon knight along. (She didn't ask Wizzro to come; he just came to get on her nerves.) "Very well then, you make a valid point. We'll just be forced to fight for territory like wild animals. I win, and I'm taking your home." She smiles sneakily. "And if you lose, I'll leave you to fight for the caves in peace."
Ganondorf caught that little trick. He calls it out by simply asking, "And what do I get if I actually win? That ring of yours?" And no, he's not referring the jewelry she's wearing.
Cia roars with laughter, then ceases in the blink of an eye, her tone deadly serious. "He's not mine to sell. You'll have to take that up with him; you should strike a private bargain between you two, because I want no part of that filthy contract." Ganondorf found her hateful remark amusing. He says, "Seriously this time, my victory assures I retain possession of my HQ, and that you don't under any circumstances interfere as I seize the Eldin Caves."
She is discontent with that compromise, but what choice does she have? A dissatisfying deal is sealed when the villain and the anti-villain shake hands. If she had a cape, it would whip through the air when she turns around fiercely.
Link doesn't abandon his hideout to exit behind Cia. Instead he contemplates a loophole that Ganondorf may have missed. If he losses to Cia, not only does she take his headquarters, but she could still guard the Eldin Caves, as there was nothing in the agreement to prevent her from doing so long as she was victorious.
The hero has a choice to make; he can walk away, or he can choose a side based on what he saw.
A doubtful Skull Kid gets a kick out of Lana. "Ha! There's no way you can make me do anything!"
Lana has summoned Skull Kid and Medli to practice her mind control. She grins at Skull Kid and says, "No, really! I think I've got this in the bag."
"Then take it out of the bag and let me see. Prove yourself!" Skull Kid declares. Medli is amused.
She double-checks her spell book before closing it and tossing it over her shoulder. Finally, with the sole power of her mind, Lana attempts to influence the two young warriors facing her. Lana closes her eyes to concentrate.
The universe responds, and a suspicious aura surrounds Lana's test subjects. When the sorceress opens her eyes again, neither child seems responsive. Lana is confused. "Hey!" she calls, snapping in Skull Kid's face.
Medli clucks, and Lana flinches. She has successfully brainwashed them into behaving like cuccos, proven when Medli bends from her hip to peck the ground with her beak. Skull Kid acts similarly, but not on his own free will.
Lana sighs in disappointment and says, "Maybe we should try this again from stage one."
The first location Ganondorf searches for his men is the lounge room, and sure enough, they are goofing around there. Since that is the designated room for shenanigans, Ganondorf doesn't mind. However, instead of lounging, Zant is defending his title as the 'Twister King'.
Ghirahim scrambles to his feet, infuriated from losing for the thirty-second time. He faces his lord. "My lord, he must be cheating! There is no possible way he can win thirty-two times in a row!" he hysterically accuses.
Zant stands, haughtily adjusting his hem. He then asks, "Ghirahim, how could anyone cheat at Twister?"
"You. Are. Cheating."
Ganondorf finds this amusing. He looks across the room to meet eyes with the third participant. The player currently spinning the spinner is Zant's companion fairy, Astnojy. To this day, Ganondorf can't unscramble the letters to her name; Zant's clue to the origin of the name was that it's an anagram of another name. She is a darkness fairy with bangs that cover her eyes completely. Strangely, her hair is cherry red and her pale skin has a few interesting birthmarks. This might be the reason that Zant chose to adopt this fairy, as opposed to all of the other fairies he and Ghirahim have freed in battle. Astnojy prefers to be referred to as Countess, so Ganondorf respects her wishes. He asks, "Countess Astnojy, do you agree with Ghirahim?"
Astnojy shrugs as an expression of indifference. In all honesty she never looked at the game's players, but rather just flicked the spinner and called out the result. Ghirahim throws a hissy fit.
"You two need to grab your weapons and station yourselves at the Sacred Grounds now," Ganondorf announces over the commotion coming from Ghirahim.
Instantly, Ganondorf is given their full attentions. The room is silent within a second after his sentence. Ghirahim smiles and prepares to teleport. Ganondorf catches him by saying, "Not to be confused with the Sealed Grounds, Ghirahim." Ghirahim's shoulders slump.
Zant is barely able to audibly communicate, "B-but why?" He is so confused right now, if stuttering didn't already give that away.
Ganondorf begins to exit the room before turning to his minions and answering, "You need only know that defeat is not an option." Without any further questions, Zant and Ghirahim obey.
Literally minutes later
Lord Ganondorf, armed with his trident, is the last to the Sacred Grounds. He grins with the pleasure of knowing the unbearable heat will play a part in this little skirmish. It's already getting to Zant. A sweaty Twili should make this battle interesting.
Taking the role as commander of his forces, Ganondorf plots a stratagem. He orders that Zant claim vital keeps in the east, as this will hinder any of Cia's forces that attempt to pass through the east to reach their destination of Ganondorf's base. Zant follows as instructed without hesitation.
Now Ganondorf has a choice. He makes his decision faster than I can write out his options. He turns to Ghirahim and says, "I will cripple them as swiftly as I can. Backing Cia into a corner shouldn't be a challenge."
"Cia?" This is the first Ghirahim has heard of their opponent.
"You are the last line of defense, Ghirahim. Fail, and I promise you won't like the outcome," warns Ghirahim's current master. The master passes him with a mission. Not facing Lord Ganondorf, Ghirahim asks, "Is that a wise strategy, my lord? Rest assured that I do not doubt my abilities. However, if this battle is largely determined by defense, I'd recommend sending me to the field whilst you stay for the strongest defense possible."
Ganondorf shakes his head. "You need to stay here. Sending you to the field would risk you crossing Cia's path. We wouldn't want you two flirting again, would we?" the master teasingly explains, making an inside reference to the sorceress's retelling of the demon lord's encounter with her at the caves. He disappears in a veil of black magic before Ghirahim can whip around and holler "what?!"
The commander quickly catches up with his minion. "Zant, exactly why is he an obstacle?" asks Ganondorf, stopping behind Zant, who has stopped a keep across from Link.
"My lord," Zant answers. "He has offered us his assistance." Ganondorf honestly wasn't expecting that or Link to nod in conformation. Zant asks, "How should we respond?"
Truly at a standstill, Ganondorf shrugs. Examining the situation concludes that any help would be much appreciated. Finally, Ganondorf says to Link, "If you are sincere, you will accompany Zant until I instruct you otherwise." He looks at Zant, directing his next question to that minion; "Do you have eyes in the sky?"
Astnojy didn't care to come on her own, and Zant didn't have time to convince her otherwise, so he is companionless. But never fear, because Link's faithful companion Proxi is readily supporting Link and willing to help. She takes to the sky as an overhead watch.
Link smiles as Proxi leaves him alone for the first time in a long while. He preserves his grin when he changes his focus to Ganondorf. Randomly, Ganondorf asks aloud, "And where's your shirt, boy?"
Zant gasps as a reaction to his epiphany. "My lord, the hero is a genius!" he declares, and proceeds to remove his robes. Ganondorf watches as his minion unclothes, and Link rests his forehead on his fist. And he thought Princess Ruto was impulsive.
Luckily for everyone, Zant's attire is two pieces, not one, so he only removes his torso covering. His pants are still intact. Also, he somehow managed to pull his long-sleeved shirt over his hem and helmet; a feat that Link can't comprehend.
Despite the oddity of the situation, Zant is happy now. Or he is until Ghirahim shows up, laughs, and mentions the sun in the light world. Similar to how gravity works in a cartoon, Zant isn't affected by the light until his peer mentioned it. Exposed to the true light of the light world, Zant is burned. He quickly escapes into his master's shadow.
Ganondorf is aghast. He bellows at his own shadow, "Who gave you permission to do that?!"
Further delaying the melee, Ghirahim has an idea similar to Zant's. "He might be a fool, but only because he took the wrong approach to solve a common problem," he admits, removing his heaviest and warmest article of clothing, his cape. This results in the desired affect; to cool him off in the desert heat.
Not to be upstaged by his half-naked men, Ganondorf impressively rips his shirt off from the center pulling outwards. The fabric tears like paper. If Proxi saw that, she would have described it as quite a manly display. Finally, with the entire team shirtless, Ganondorf is ready to wage war on Cia.
Shortly after
Cia is striding at a comfortable, confident pace. One of two paths will be opened for her to safely arrive at Ganondorf's stronghold, and from that point she will squash it like a bug. That is her plan, anyways.
Then she stops, impeded by what appears to be a mirage of Ganondorf in the near distance. Surely he wouldn't leave his base unguarded. Why would a commander leave his/her strongest fortress? She is terrified when the figure, an illusion or not, swiftly makes its way towards her.
UM… perhaps the west path is open now. Cia quickly flees in that direction. She calls, "Wizzro!" And in the west, the very tired Wizzro groans in annoyance. What does she want now? He turns around to return the way he came.
Ganondorf, not an illusion of Cia's, summons a horde of little monsters to stand in the sorceress's path. He relied on Proxi to inform him of his enemy's whereabouts, and she didn't disappoint him.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place, Cia turns around to face the rock. She is outnumbered by the 'rock' and the three-dimensional absence of light in Zant's image.
She is horrified. "Wha-?! You came without a shirt?!" This is absurd, and her verbal expression of disbelief communicates that. Ganondorf looks down at his torso before meeting eyes with Cia and saying, "You say that like I'm Tingle." Zant finds his master's comment outrageously humorous.
As if the universe wants this situation to be bizarre and uncomfortable for Cia, Wizzro clears through the little monsters Ganondorf summoned. He calls, "Out of the way! Pregnant wraith coming through!" Cia chooses not to acknowledge his presence.
He stops beside Cia, takes one look at Ganondorf, and mutters, "Oh…" Then he smirks like a naughty child before bringing his fingers to his mouth and performing the sexy whistle. Cia's jaw drops. She slowly turns her head towards the twisted wizard. "What?" he giggles. "That's what you were thinking."
The sorceress is so embarrassed and so peeved all at the same time. Everything right now is so ridiculous that instead of glaring, she smiles. She is so overwhelmed with confusion that she is amused. Hiding her face with her hand, she says, "You need to just leave, Wizzro."
"Ok." And with that, he exits the battlefield.
Yes, he literally left the battle. This leaves Cia and Volga against Ganondorf, his men, and Link. Cia is outnumbered by double, not to mention she is faced against the hero and the King of Evil.
She didn't stand a chance. She was ganged up on by Ganondorf and his insane shadow man. And not surprisingly, shirtless Link was able to defeat Volga.
Cia hauls her disheveled carcass up the main staircase in the Valley of Seers. The moment she reaches the top she is greeted with a loud "Cia!"
The dark sorceress stands before the entire cast of newcomers; all under one of Lana's many accidental hexes. Lana stands in the middle, tired and desperate. She cries, "I can't do it!" Her mistakes range from King Daphnes believing he is an anime girl to Linkle under a sleeping spell.
The original Guardian of Time shakes her head.
Author's Notes- This goes to show you how suggestions inspire me. Of course I interpreted the shrinkage scenario in an unexpected way, and then added some detail and reason for a shirtless scenario. Then they combined. Thank you guys for those suggestions, you know who you are. I love suggestions. I don't mean to sound pushy, but someone please offer scenario suggestions for the heroes. As much as we love our villains, our heroes need the spotlight every once in a while.
Now, who wants to play Would You Rather? At the next meeting, the warriors agreed to participate in a game of Would You Rather! Well, most of them agreed. *cough Ganondorf cough*. But if there are no questions, they can't play. Give lots of questions in this format: (warrior the question is for), would you rather _ OR _? Link is super excited for this.