11. I Overheard That!

Imagine Link is on the opposite side of Hyrule Field, and Zelda needs to inform him of something. How does that message get across? Wonder no longer—the answer is gossip stones! Those little, rocklike gems in The Wind Waker that both Tetra and Toon Link possess act as radios on the battlefield. All of the warriors possess one.

Tetra is like a child with a walkie-talkie. Children use their toy walkie-talkies to listen in on conversations amongst truckers. By simply turning the knob, they can hone in on signals broadcasted by one trucker and learn quite a deal of information, even if they don't understand it. Tetra uses her gossip stone similarly. As a pastime, Tetra sits around with a notebook, pen, and her gossip stone to listen into her fellow warriors while they are on and off the battlefield.

The warriors think their conversations are private, but Tetra knows differently. Let's take a peek at some of Tetra's findings:

Start

Tetra tunes into a channel with her gossip stone one morning at the crack of dawn.

Lana: "Cia, are you there?"

Cia: "Lana, the sun hasn't even breached the horizon yet! What do you want?"

Lana: "I just thought you might want to know where I am."

Cia: "…Do I sound like I care where you are right now?"

Lana: An eerie silence on her end. "I…"

Cia: "Goodbye Lana."

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

There is crisis at Twilight Field. Linkle is on her way to help, if Tetra understands correctly.

Linkle: "Hang in there! I'm coming!"

Link: "Linkle, I've got this!"

Proxi: "Yeah, Link's got this!"

Linkle: "No, I'm coming to help!"

Proxi: "Nobody asked for your help, Linkle!"

Linkle: Offended. "W-well, I'm pretty sure Link didn't ask for your help!"

Link: "Here Proxi, take this! I don't have time for this!" It sounds as if he hands it off to Proxi.

Proxi: Falls under the weight of the stone. "Aahh!"

Linkle: Laughs. Then she stops. "UH… where am I?"

Tetra assumes Linkle has just gotten herself lost again. Then she turns around. Linkle is outside her window.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Now for one Tetra wasn't too interested in from the start, but only got worse over time, and she still listened in.

Zelda: "I can't decide, Ruto! Do I buy the slimming dark blue dress or the green and gray with the frilly v-neck?"

Ruto: "You know I'm always going to say blue. Is there anyone there with you?"

Zelda: "Only Agitha, but she's at her favorite store."

Ruto: "Go model both dresses to her and see what she says."

Zelda: "There is a reason I'm asking you, Ruto. Sometimes Agitha wouldn't know fashion if it hit her in the face."

Ruto: Laughing. "All right, good point." There is a pause. "Hey, while I've got your attention, be honest with me. Am I getting fatter?"

Zelda: Aghast. "What?! Who told you that?!"

Ruto: "Well, I was launched into Darunia the other day, and after picking me up, he said with a smile that he actually felt me that time. Does that mean I'm gaining weight?"

Tetra's head hits the desk. She would love to say that it's okay to be heavier than a feather, but that would give her away.

Zelda: "No! No, of course not!" Then Zelda pauses. "Are you… usually launched into Darunia?"

Ruto: Laughing. "Well actually, yeah. That seems to be a running gag with me. One time Ganondorf put me in the Groosenator, launched me, and Darunia was right there. He got a face full of me that day. Young Link thought it was hilarious."

Zelda: "Huh…" The sound of a glass container being moved off the shelf is heard. "What perfume should I get?"

Tetra thought the launching Ruto part was funny, but if Zelda is going to start talking about perfume, Tetra is going to stop listening in here.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Oh great Hylia, what has Tetra stumbled upon?

A crying fairy: "S.O.S! Please, anybody!"

Tingle: "Wait, S.O.S? What's going on?!"

A crying fairy: "Oh thank goodness! Come save us, please!" The screams of multiple fairies in agony are in the background.

Tingle: "I'm coming! Where are you?"

The fairy: "We're-," She gasps, cut off.

Wizzro: Obviously peeved. "That would be my gossip stone. Who did you call, you little brat?"

Tingle: Gasps. "You! What are you doing to the fairies?!"

Wizzro: Chuckles malevolently. "If you can manage to find me, you can see, and maybe even participate. I might have a torture device your size." The whimper of a terrified fairy is heard. There is a rip, and the fairy screams in agony.

Tingle: Screams

Tetra quickly turns off the gossip stone. She doesn't want to know.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Ghirahim: "Come find you?"

Ganondorf: "No, I'll find you."

Ghirahim: "So you'll meet me halfway?"

Ganondorf: "NO!"

Ghirahim: "So you won't find me?"

Ganondorf: "Yes, I'll-,"

Ghirahim: "So yes, me come find you?"

Ganondorf: Takes a deep inhale through his nose. "You are doing that on purpose. You know perfectly well what I want you to do!"

Ghirahim: "Ok, ok, I think I got it." A pause occurs. "You want me to meet you there, right?"

Ganondorf: "GRAH!"

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Tetra is already frowning. She just honed in on someone crying.

Agitha: In tears. "Please pick up."

King Daphnes: "Hello?"

Agitha: "Your highness, I-," She is cut off by her own tears.

King Daphnes: Gentle, but concerned. "Agitha, what's wrong?"

Agitha: Choked up by tears.

King D: "Take a deep breath, sweetheart."

Agitha: Takes a deep breath through her nose. Holds back a few sobs. "I-," Bursts into sobs again.

The genuine sadness in Agitha's voice is pulling on Tetra's heartstrings. This is putting a kink in her day.

King D: "If you tell me where you are, I'll come to you."

Agitha: "I can't… I-I don't know where I am, and there's blood everywhere. I think I'm dying." There is a pause. Faint footsteps in water are heard. In a terrified whisper- "Hello?"

King D: "What's going on?"

Impa: "Come on." It sounds as if she is picking up Agitha.

King D: "Impa?"

Impa: "No worries, King Daphnes. I've got her."

King D: "She's a little shaken. Be gentle."

Impa: "I will."

Tetra doesn't know what's happening, but she has faith that Impa can take care of it from here.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Tetra's cheeks are flushed as she listens to this.

Volga: "Hang in there! Just take deep breaths."

Cia: "I can't breathe at all."

Fi: "There is approximately five minutes before the pain reaches its climax."

Oh great Hylia, what is Tetra witnessing through her gossip stone?!

Volga: "I'm moving as fast as I can. If Levias would just get his fat %$&! out of the way!"

Fi: "Excuse me, Ms. Cia, but if you apply any more force to my leg, it will break."

Cia: Screams in agony.

Tetra turns off the gossip stone.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Toon Link: Sounds nervous. "You wouldn't… want to meet outside the Happy Mask Salesman's shop tomorrow, would you?"

Medli: "Sure. Why?"

Toon Link: Hesitates. "No particular reason."

Medli: "Oh. Well, what time should I meet you there?"

Toon Link: "UM, I guess whatever time is most for you- er, I mean, best for you."

Medli: Giggles. "Ok, well, I won't be available until after lunch, so how about 1:30?"

Toon Link: "Yeah, ok. I can do that."

Medli: "I'll watch the clock and make sure to say goodbye to Makar before 1:15."

Toon Link: "M-Makar? You're going to have lunch with Makar?!"

Medli: "Uh, yeah. Why?"

Toon Link: "What does he have that I don't?!"

Medli: Pauses. "A violin?"

Toon Link: "Oh, so he's more attractive than me because he plays the violin? Is that it?!"

Medli: "Link, he's not more attractive than you because he plays the violin!"

There is an awkward silence. Tetra is about to die laughing, so she turns off her gossip stone.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Tetra has stumbled upon Midna making unintentional contact.

Midna: "What in the world? Why is this gossip stone on if nobody is there?!"

A sexy Spanish accent: "Hello?"

Midna: Silent for a moment, stunned. "Oh, hello. Who is this?"

No reply.

A gruff child's voice: "Meta Knight, what's that?"

Meta Knight: "That's what I'm investigating, Tuff. Dedede just ordered it, but left it here after growing bored of it."

Midna: "UH, who is this?"

Tuff: "Ahh! It talks!"

Kirby: "Poyo!"

Midna: Laughs. "Chicken? You guys speak Spanish?"

Tuff: "Oh! Is that what that is? Kirby speaks Spanish?"

Meta Knight: "No Tuff, Kirby cannot speak Spanish. Excuse us, but who are we speaking with?"

Midna: "I'm… Midna, Princess Midna of the Twilight Realm."

Meta Knight: "Your highness, are you aware that you're currently speaking through an object sold by Nightmare Enterprises?"

Midna: "Nightmare what?"

Tuff: "I take it she's clueless."

Midna: "Wait, who are you guys, and how do you have a gossip stone?"

The sound of doors is heard.

Meta Knight: "You'll have to excuse us, Princess. We must go."

Midna sighs and switches the channel on her gossip stone. Tetra continues to listen in on the channel Midna was on, but gets bored listening to King Dedede, so she cuts it off.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Tetra is wondering where this battle is taking place.

Lana: "Quickly, to the east side!"

Sheik: "I'm on it!"

Lana: "Crap! Ghirahim's coming down the middle!"

Darunia: "Leave him to me, Lana!"

Lana: "Whatever you guys do, we can't let that Bombchu get to us!"

Sheik and Darunia: "Aye!"

Ghirahim: "Ugh! How'd she know I was coming from straight ahead?!"

Sheik: "Confirmed."

Darunia: "Ha! Your gossip stone is on!"

Ghirahim: Annoyed. "These things are more trouble than they're worth."

Ruto: "Ghirahim, change your gossip stone channel."

Tetra follows Ruto's instructions. She finds the channel she is using but is a little late to the party.

Ruto: "… Give them false information."

Ghirahim: "But if they find the channel we're using to give our real information?"

Ruto: "Trust me, they won't. Darunia can't remember how to switch gossip stone channels, and Lana is too morally pure to intrude on our conversations."

Ghirahim: Chuckles. "I like how you think."

Tetra can't just stand by and let Ghirahim and Ruto cheat their way to victory! She switches channels back.

Tetra: "Lana, I've got bad news!"

Lana: "Tetra? Are you here?"

Tetra: "I'm at my place. Listen, Ghirahim and Ruto are going to try to give you false information about their plans over your gossip stone channel. Don't fall for it!"

Sheik: Laughs. "Oh they are, are they? I'm surprised they take us for idiots. Why would they continue giving their actual plans over a gossip stone channel they know we are using?"

Ghirahim: "HM, good point. Here that, Ruto? Your plan was faulty from the beginning."

Tetra face palms. Of course they were listening in!

Darunia: "That's why I hate these things."

Lana: "Darunia, 'hate' is such a strong word."

Darunia: Sighs. "Ok, I strongly dislike gossip stones."

Sheik: "Perhaps we could relinquish our stones for now, at least until this battle is over?"

Ruto: "How am I supposed to communicate with my soldier if I cannot use my gossip stone?"

Darunia: "Wait, you're the head commander?! I thought that was Ghirahim."

Ghirahim: "I'm flattered you thought so, but no, not this time."

Tetra: "You guys need to have a fair fight and only use your respective gossip stone channels!"

Lana: "Agreed!"

Tetra is silent the remainder of the battle, but the two sides had a fair fight, so Tetra's job is done.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Zant: "…be perfect, just as a man and wife should be. I'll follow you, like a good wife should, and you'll be the head of household. Is that not the vision of perfection?"

What in the name of Niko's underwear did Tetra just hear?!

Zelda: Giggles to herself

King D: Chuckles. "I'm sorry, what part are you auditioning for, Zant?"

Zant: "I was hoping for the part of the husband, but you highlighted the wife's lines for me to recite."

King D: "Oh! I did? My mistake…"

Zelda: In the deepest voice she can muster without losing volume- "But that's just the thing, dearest. I don't want you to be anybody but yourself. A humble housewife does not suit you."

Zant: Chuckles. "But that is not the status-quo! We will be rejects of society."

Zelda: Still in her gruff voice- "Is that all you care about?!"

Tingle: Laughing. "Mommy!"

For the love of Demise, really? Tetra swears all of these people have completely lost their minds. Why are their gossip stones on?! These auditions should be held in person!

Zelda: Yes, in her best man voice- "W-what?! Mommy?! Why in the world would your cousin call you mother?" Gasps. "Could it be? You've had another lover!?"

Zant: "No, please, don't take this the wrong way!"

Tetra doesn't care who's casted; she is not seeing this show. She stops listening in.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Marin: "Now! Unleash the dragon!"

Midna: Maniacally laughing in the background.

Skull Kid: "AAHHH! They've got a dragon!"

Wizzro: Calmly- "Pathetic."

Volga: "You and I have some unfinished business, wizard!"

Wizzro: Completely changed tone. "Blasted! They've got a dragon!"

Skull Kid: Panicking. "What are we gonna do?!"

Wizzro: "Ugh…I was hoping not to use this, but Skull Kid, unleash the secret weapon!"

Skull Kid: "Heck yeah!" He begins to squeeze really hard, audibly struggling.

Wizzro: "No! Not that secret weapon, idiot! The other one!"

Skull Kid: "Oh!"

Dark Links: "Hya!"

Midna: "Curses! They've got Dark Links!"

Volga: "I've faced far worse. Come at me!"

Marin: "But where would he get Dark Links?"

Wizzro: Smugly- "I've got connections."

Skull Kid: "UH… I also let loose the other secret weapon."

Wizzro: Stutters. "Well, make good use of it! Choke someone! I recommend Marin!"

Tetra is dying. This is like a comedic drama you'd watch on television.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change

Medli: "Fi, what's the square root of 441?"

Fi: "Exactly 12."

Young Link: "Fi, if the stomach can't digest fat, then what can?"

Fi: "The human stomach is capable of digesting fat. The gallbladder assists the stomach in doing so by increasing concentration of bile."

Linkle: "Fi, when did the last meteorite strike Hyrule?"

Fi: "Exactly 20,367 days, four hours, 56 minutes, and 27 seconds ago."

Linkle: "Where was this?"

Fi: "I cannot provide exact coordinates, however, the remains of that meteor reside a quarter of a mile west of Kakariko Village.

Ok, so Tetra has stumbled upon the "Ask Fi" channel. This is what the warriors contact when they have a question that can be answered with facts. Tetra doesn't have a question right now, but she'll remember this channel for when she does have a question.

Cute Sound Effect Scene Change. Last One

Tetra sometimes uses gossip stones for her own purposes.

Ganondorf: "Now, about that deal."

Tetra: Chuckles maliciously.

Author's Notes: Chapter 15 is quickly approaching. There was a special Kirby: Right Back At Ya! cameo in this story. And speaking of cameos and references in Vol. 2, CupcakeGal25 got my Nastasia reference in story 9. Yay! Did anyone catch the reference in story 2? Just curious. Like the Nastasia reference, it references another Nintendo character not from the LoZ series. Anyways, there's still time to suggest Would you Rather questions for story 15, and there's always time for story suggestions.