Author's note: As always my thanks to those who read, review, follow, fav... and to those that I cannot pm back (like Lynne25), I'll express my thanks here.
This is something I started writing in season three when Rachel got engaged and we knew Jesse was returning as VA's coach but knew nothing more. I never published this one, instead I ended up writing Jesse's Girl. But there are parts of this one I like, and I rewrote a bit of it and I'm posting it under St. Berry Bits & Bytes. As usual all mistakes are mine, the characters are not.
Decisions
"Okay, everyone, that's it for tonight. I want everyone back here at 6:00 am sharp!"
The exhausted members of Vocal Adrenaline gave a collective groan as they hobbled off the stage, too exhausted to even talk amongst themselves.
Jesse began collecting his notes together and, without looking up, casually asked "Learn anything useful to report back to New Directions, Berry?"
Rachel barely subdued a gasp of surprise before replying "How did you know I was here?"
"Rachel, I always know when you're near. It appears to be some persistent side effect from falling in love with you."
"Oh." At those words, Rachel felt a wave of guilt sweep over her, and she began to regret her impulse of coming to Carmel to talk to Jesse. But it was too late to back out now, she was already here. So, she stood up, straightened her shoulders and continued. "I heard you were now working with Vocal Adrenaline. I admit I was a bit surprised. I thought you were going to try college again."
"I was. But this job came up and I really couldn't turn the opportunity down. This way I add to my portfolio, make some money, and brush up my academic skills before I start college in New York this fall."
"You're going to college in New York?" Rachel knew she shouldn't be shocked, it was a given that Jesse would feel the same way about New York as she and Kurt did. After all, Broadway was as much in his blood as it was in hers. But for months now she'd studiously managed to avoid the idea of Jesse and her both being in New York at the same time. It always made her stomach do funny flips if she thought about it.
"Yes. I just had to decide which offer I'd accept."
"You had several offers." Rachel repeated bleakly.
Jesse, who had barely looked at Rachel, now turned and regarded her with a smirk. "Of course. My talent speaks for itself. I applied at several theatre and arts colleges. I'm sure you did the same. I mean, after all, you're the most detail, goal oriented person I've ever met. You always have charts and plans for everything months in advance."
Rachel swallowed hard and picked at some non-existent lint on the sleeve of her red cardigan. Yes, she had been like that about her career plans, at least until her junior year. She'd spent the better part of that year making plans and charts on how to get Finn back, instead of working towards her goals of stardom. Now she was part way through her senior year and she'd been so busy worrying about Kurt's chances and boosting Finn's self-esteem that she'd failed to make any contingency plans to apply to other colleges besides NYADA. She couldn't bring herself to admit to Jesse just how sidetracked she'd become and so she was relieved when he resumed speaking.
"Of course most of those plans you made appear to have just been a waste of your time."
At the obvious note of derision that had crept into his voice, a bit of her former self awakened and Rachel fairly bristled with indignation. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that, despite all your talk of heading to New York and becoming a big star on Broadway, I've heard that you're rushing to get married before you even graduate from high school. You know, I truly believed that your playing the parts of Evita, Funny Girl and Laurie on Broadway before sold-out crowds was an inevitability." Jesse shook his head sadly. "I guess I was wrong; your obsession with Finn Hudson has changed you."
As Rachel took a deep breath in preparation of launching into a vehement tirade of denial Jesse quickly preempted her impending outburst. "May I please finish? I expect we'll both be too busy at Nationals to talk at all, and after that I doubt we'll ever meet again."
Rachel's words died a swift death in her throat, not because of Jesse's demand for her to let him finish, but because of his words of their never meeting again. She felt like she'd been punched in the stomach with no air left to breath, let alone speak.
Jesse decisively snapped his designer briefcase shut, then turned his full attention upon her. She shivered inadvertently as his intense gaze seemed to bore right into her soul. "You aren't the Rachel I once knew; you've lost your focus. I know you really believe that you'll still pursue your dreams, but for the first while you'll be far too preoccupied with being the perfect wife for Hudson and supporting whatever his "dream of the week" is. A year will pass, and then another. Your plans will keep getting postponed and before you know it there will be a bunch of snotty nosed baby Finchel's running around keeping you busy, and you'll be just another bored middle-aged wife in the suburbs." He scooped up his briefcase in one smooth motion and walked directly over to Rachel.
"If Finn really loved you and wanted the best for you, he'd have waited to propose. I was going to wait until your first big role off Broadway." Jesse reached out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear, then let his fingers trace the smooth line of her jaw briefly for one last time. He dropped his hand back to his side, a look of regret etched upon his face. "I hope you'll be happy in your cookie cutter life. I hope it's worth the dreams you're giving up." With that he gently brushed his lips against her forehead and whispered "You could have had it all. Good-bye, Rachel." Then he turned and strode swiftly away. By the time Rachel had broken out of her shocked stupor, he was already gone.
That night Rachel was beset by dreams that kept her tossing and turning. When she awoke, the disturbing images of her being nine months pregnant while trying to cope with two-year old screaming twins (and at the same time trying to balance the household budget) were still fresh in her mind.
She continued distracted throughout the next day. Kurt, Mercedes and Quinn all questioned her about it but she brushed off their concerns. Finn didn't seem to notice at all. He was too busy telling her about some game on television the previous evening. When he had then proceeded to suggest they go over to her place after school and make out, she had so not been in the mood and told him so. He'd mumbled something about "was it that time of the month again already?" and he'd sort of sulked the rest of the day.
Lying in bed later that night, unable to sleep, Rachel finally gave up and reached over to turn on the light. She needed to make some decisions and so she picked up her favorite pen and notebook, and started writing. Two hours later she had eight pages filled out, and each page had a pros and a cons column. She'd first started with a page about marrying now versus marrying after college, then one about marrying and staying in Lima for a year versus marrying and going straight to New York. From there it had progressed to marrying Finn versus marrying Jesse. (She blamed that on Jesse, because she hadn't been able to get his words about his proposing to her out of her head.) That had then somehow evolved into comparing them as boyfriends. Finn had scored very poorly on that. Even though Jesse had at first only pretended to be her boyfriend, she knew now by his actions since his apology that it hadn't been all an act. Jesse knew her, and still he loved her. He wasn't threatened by her ambition and talent, he didn't need constant reassurance from her for his ego, and he never looked at other girls the way he looked at her.
Now she was working on her final page - one that compared their skill as lovers. It was unfortunate, she thought to herself, that she was unable to fully compare Jesse to Finn in that regard. Her research was sadly incomplete. However, the very fact that she was now feeling disappointed that she hadn't slept with Jesse when she'd had the chance to was in itself rather disturbing. Rachel gnawed on the end of her pen and renamed the page. She'd just compare their kisses and other demonstrations of affection.
Jesse liked physical contact but it wasn't necessarily a sexual contact. He just seemed to like having her in his arms, and he'd often use touch as a means of reassurance or concern. He made her feel cherished. The last few times they had kissed, his kisses had been gentle, restrained, but still full of (for lack of a better word) love. When they had first dated however, his kisses had been very passionate and they'd terrified her by their intensity, by the way they made her almost lose control. Thinking about them now though didn't create the same reaction in her at all! His kisses were, well, Rachel found herself blushing just thinking about them. She remembered with longing the intoxicating feel of his body on hers, the way his hands skimmed her legs, the hot, heady pressure of his lips on hers...
Rachel pushed the papers off her bed and onto the floor in disgust. Quickly turning off her light she sharply reprimanded herself for thinking about Jesse like this when she had agreed to marry Finn. Finally exhausted by her mental endeavors she fell asleep. But this night all her dreams were of making passionate love with Jesse, in an empty theater, on a darkened stage, after their starring together in a sold out Broadway show.