A/N: Just a short piece on Rachel's return to New York and NYADA that has been sitting in my drafts folder for awhile.
New York: Take 2
Returning to NYADA proved to be a true test of Rachel's character. Only months ago she had walked out of these doors believing she was going to be a superstar; returning as a failure had been too much like stepping back into her first year at McKinley High. No, they didn't throw slushies on a daily basis nor slam you into lockers at NYADA, but the whispers, smirks and murmured comments were more devastating than all the slushies she'd endured at McKinley. At NYADA she was dealing with the opinion of people of talent; her true peers in most respects.
There were those who had looked up to her in awe when she had shot to fame, now they looked at her with pity or disappointment in their eyes. Others, who had always been jealous, took no pains to hide their evident delight in her spectacular failure. They had even bestowed upon her a nickname: 'Crash and Burn Berry.' Their disdain and barbed whispers were like phantom arrows; she never knew where or when they would pierce her.
So, determined to prove herself, Rachel threw all energy into her classes. Thankfully, Cassandra July had been replaced by a different teacher, one who gave constructive, helpful critique, and Rachel was very grateful for that small mercy. Perhaps she and Ms. July could have bonded over their artistic career disasters but Rachel felt it would have been far more likely for the mercurial teacher to revert to raining down sarcasm and scorn upon her head, and that might have been more than the petite brunette could have borne at this juncture in her life. Her other professors did not favor her in any way, but neither were they overly critical; it was the only thing that made the first few weeks bearable. Nevertheless, many times during that first month she had wanted to give up and run back home (though technically she didn't have a home to run to), but Rachel had decided she would never give them the satisfaction of seeing her pain.
At least she still had her BFF Kurt to eat lunch with, and they did share one or two classes so she wasn't completely alone. But the evenings were brutal as Kurt went home to Blaine and Rachel tried to find somewhere quiet and inconspicuous to study until it was time for her to head back to her dorm. She had turned down Kurt and Blaine's generous offer to stay with them. Their apartment was tiny enough as it was for two people let alone three and besides she didn't want to intrude on the newly married couple, especially as they had rushed into marriage rather impetuously. The two needed their space to deal with some previously unsettled matters. It did seem that the couples' counseling was really helping. Each weekend Rachel had a standing invitation to visit for dinner and movie night and each time she had visited she had noticed they were more relaxed and happier than the previous visit.
As for relationships, well she had had plenty of time to think about relationships, not just those of her friends from McKinley days but also her own. Finn's memory was still locked safely away in a corner of her heart but with the passage of time she had come to realize that they would have never worked long-term as a couple. Their interests and goals had always been far too different, and Finn's habit of making decisions without discussing matters with her, plus his problem with anger management were, in hindsight, red flags to other probable issues. She had finally reached the sad conclusion that if they had married their marriage would have been a brief one.
As for the other men in her life, Brody had been a disaster, and Sam, well as dear as Sam was, he would always be a friend first. He had helped her start to live again but they were never going to be more than just a casual fling. They'd drifted apart as easily as they had drifted together. In any case, Sam was not known for his consistency in matters of the heart. Rachel secretly believed he still carried a torch for Mercedes, and until that was resolved he would continue to bounce from one relationship to another.
When it came to unresolved matters of the heart, she had her own to deal with, a certain Jesse St. James. She had been very tempted by his offer for her to stay at his apartment while searching for her own, but as she could no longer afford an apartment and had settled on dorm life, she hadn't contacted him. If she were honest with herself, she was avoiding him; not because she didn't like him but because she liked him far too much. Seeing him again for those brief moments at Sectionals had rekindled all those feelings for him that she'd thought she'd buried or outgrown. Actually her feelings had gone from ignition to full throttle in only a few moments of his company. No, for now it was best she just concentrated on NYADA and avoided entanglements of the heart; not to mention Jesse needed to concentrate on his career right now, he didn't need distractions.
As the months passed and Rachel continued keeping a low profile she noticed a gradual shift in the attitude of others towards her; she had become mostly ignored instead of condemned. In some ways that was worse treatment for someone like her who had ambitions of being a shining star; she thrived best in the spotlight. At times she had to bite her lip to keep from bursting forth with her ideas in class, or otherwise drawing too much attention to herself; the constant fear of losing her place at NYADA kept her reserved and studious.
Now spring had arrived and Rachel was faced with a dilemma. There was to be an upcoming evening concert. It was a major graded assignment and the theme was romantic duets. It would involve a song and some minor dance movements and the stipulation was that they were to choose either a fellow NYADA classmate they had never performed with before or they could choose someone from outside of NYADA. Kurt was ecstatic because of course he was going to partner with his husband, but it left Rachel in a quandary as to her duet partner. None of her classmates had approached her to partner with them and her self-esteem was still too low for her to risk being rejected by asking someone herself.
When the assignment had been announced she had of course immediately thought of Jesse. However, not only was he probably unavailable due to his being in workshop rehearsals, but to contact him now after purposefully avoiding all communication since she had arrived in New York could give him the wrong impression. In the past she had admittedly used Jesse to make Finn jealous and to enhance her popularity. She didn't want to have him think that she only wanted him as her partner in order to boost her grades and popularity at NYADA.
The truth was she really did want badly to sing with him again. They had an undeniable chemistry that ignited whenever they came within a few feet of each other and which rapidly turned into something magical within seconds of their voices joining in song. As Jesse had said at their last encounter they always did "make really great music together."
Rachel stared glumly at her vegan salad and moved the same cherry tomato for the twentieth time as she continued to ponder her problem. Maybe she could recruit one of her former show choir students from New Directions to duet with her? Rehearsal would be difficult, but perhaps they could do the vocal rehearsal via skype. That didn't solve the problem of choreographing and rehearsing the dance steps however. Growing increasingly frustrated, Rachel viciously jabbed the tomato with her fork. If she didn't make a decision very soon she'd be in danger of defaulting on the assignment and that was completely unacceptable.
"Ouch! What did that tomato ever do to you?" Kurt remarked as he placed his lunch tray across from hers.
"It's the assignment." Rachel kept her voice low and quiet; she didn't want anyone around them to hear about her failures and frustrations. "I'm running out of ideas as to who would partner with me. Has Blaine found any of his classmates that might consider it? Is his brother still in LA?"
"Don't worry. We've been working on it and I think we have a solution. We've arranged for your potential duet partner to meet with you in the dance studio after your last class today." Kurt was carefully arranging his blazer on the back of the chair as he spoke. It was his new pride and joy and he didn't want any food spillage to damage it.
"Really? Oh you guys are just the best!" Rachel leaped out of her seat and threw her arms around Kurt nearly unbalancing him. "I've been turning into a wreck about this." Rachel disengaged herself and quickly straightened Kurt's tie; she knew how much he hated his carefully constructed fashionista image to be spoiled. "What's his name? Is he majoring in musical theater at Tisch? Is he up to my vocal standards?"
Kurt seated himself, then leaned back in his chair and smirked. "You'll just have to trust in our judgement and wait and see, won't you? I do think it is safe to say he'll meet your high standards." He raised a hand to stop further comment as he saw Rachel was going to continue to grill him. "If you are going to persist in bombarding me with questions I will move to another table, Berry."
Rachel bit down on her tongue and sighed. Kurt could be very tight lipped when he set his mind to it and this looked to be such a time. "Okay, you win. I'll have to trust your judgement on this. So, you'll bring him to the studio after last class?"
"He'll be there, I promise. Now maybe you should eat that salad instead of torturing it."
Since her appetite had miraculously returned Rachel suddenly had no trouble with that suggestion.
Some hours later as her classmates left the dance studio, Rachel dried off her sweaty palms and checked the clock for the 20th time. Class had ended a little early due to her teacher having an appointment, so she still had some time to kill before her unknown partner arrived. All through class her stomach had been doing flips and it was just getting worse; taking a deep breath she headed back to the bar for some more stretches to try to keep her nerves in check. She was well into her extended cool-down when a prickling sensation of being watched assailed her. Slowly she finished her stretch and turned her head towards the door, and there he stood, attractive and poised as ever.
"Jesse!" She almost added 'what are you doing here' but that had become rather cliché and repetitive on her part so she bit back the words before they could escape her lips.
"Rachel." Jesse strolled towards her and stopped a mere foot away and smiled down at her.
Rachel felt her heart rate go into overdrive and she couldn't seem to find enough oxygen to think, let alone speak.
Jesse's smile started to fade and his brow furrowed. "Is something wrong, Rachel? Is my presence unwanted?"
"No, no of course not. It's just I'm surprised to see you here." Rachel finally managed to stutter out. Her arm suddenly seemed to develop a will of its own and she found herself placing her hand gently against Jesse's chest.
"Didn't Kurt tell you I was coming?"
Rachel shook her head dazedly. "No, he just said he'd found someone to duet with me, he refused to say who it was."
"Disappointed in his choice, then?"
"No! Never! It's just such a complete surprise. I mean, last I knew you and Kurt weren't exactly on speaking terms, and anyways aren't you in rehearsals now? You can't jeopardize your career for something as unimportant as this, Jesse!"
Jesse gently tilted Rachel's chin up and gazed steadily into her eyes. "Rachel Barbra Berry, some years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life when I chose my winning over our relationship. I promised myself that I'd never repeat that mistake again and I won't. So, is that the reason you didn't ask me? You thought I didn't have the time for it? For you?"
"I was sure you'd be far too busy and I mean… it's not like we've kept in touch. I didn't want to turn up suddenly asking a favor, it wouldn't be right. I've treated you badly in the past, Jesse. I never valued you and what we had enough. I don't want to repeat my mistakes either."
"Then let's call it even and let go of the past mistakes, okay?"
"Okay." Rachel found herself suddenly wrapped in Jesse's embrace, with her head tucked under his chin. It was a familiar and achingly sweet place to be and she found herself snuggling deeper into his arms. But then she became mindful of his time and pulled away. "I mustn't waste any of your limited time, Jesse. Are you sure you're not going to exhaust yourself or your voice?"
"I'll be just fine. Trust me, my rehearsals and this assignment are a breeze compared to what being in Vocal Adrenaline was like. You need to just concentrate on your assignment; don't worry about me. Now, have you picked out the piece you want to sing yet? If not, I have some suggestions."
Rachel was ashamed that in her panic of who would sing with her, she had been unable to concentrate much on song choices. Besides, so much hinged on who would be her partner that it had been difficult to decide on a particular song, although of course she had jotted done a few preliminary ideas. But with Jesse as her partner she was confident his suggestions would be worthy ones. So giving him a slightly flirtatious look from beneath her eyelashes, she responded, "I have a few ideas, but I'm quite interested to hear your suggestions."
"Are you indeed?" Jesse smirked and watched a delightful blush suffuse Rachel's cheeks as her mind realized there could be more than one meaning to their words. "Well," Jesse continued, once more returning to the subject at hand, "how is your Spanish?"
"My Spanish?" Rachel looked momentarily confused.
"Yes, I was thinking we could do the song 'Sunrise' from 'In the Heights.'
"Of course!" Rachel agreed excitedly. "That would be perfect. I just hope no one else is covering it."
"If they are, too bad. Our performance will destroy theirs."
"Nonetheless, I'm texting Ms. Forsythe right now with our choice." Rachel grabbed her phone and quickly tapped out a text then turned back to Jesse. "What about the choreography? We need to do at least some dance movements."
"There's no reason we have to follow the original staging, correct? So we could easily add some slow latin dancing into the song while we are singing." Jesse noticed a brief look of panic cross Rachel's face which had him puzzled. "Did I say something wrong?"
"No, it's just that…" Her words tapered off momentarily as she had a flashback to her first classes with Cassandra July and the teacher's cruel words about Rachel's lack of rhythm and sex appeal. "I still suffer some residual trauma from Ms. July's class and I'm not sure I'm capable of being convincing when it comes to Latin dance moves."
"Rachel." Jesse once more cupped her chin gently. "Look at me. Now, we both know that you're a better vocalist than me, but I'm a superior dancer to you. Together, though we bring out the best in each other and there is nothing, I repeat, nothing, that we cannot do if we set our minds to it. Agreed?"
Rachel straightened her shoulders and nodded with a new sense of confidence. "Agreed." Just then her phone chimed and she quickly read the message. "It's from Ms. Forsythe, and she's okayed our choice!"
"Great, now let's compare our schedules and settle on where and when we can rehearse. We can rehearse here if you wish, but I'm living in a spacious loft that is owned by my father's company, so we'd have plenty of space to rehearse there, plus the acoustics are amazing." Jesse kept his voice very professional. He really hoped that their rehearsing and performing together might lead to a deeper relationship with Rachel but he wasn't going to get his hopes up only to have them brutally dashed once more. No, this time the ball was all in Rachel's court.
Rachel briefly considered that Jesse might have suggested the loft with ulterior motives in mind, but frankly she didn't care; she liked the idea of rehearsing there. For one, by rehearsing off campus, their performance would be a complete surprise to everyone in the class, and for another, she was practically dying of curiosity to see where Jesse lived. But she didn't want Jesse to know that. "I expect your loft is closer to where you are rehearsing for your role, so as you've already been kind enough to make time to help me with this assignment, I feel it's only right that I should not inconvenience you more than necessary. Rehearsing at your place is fine." Having reached an accord easily, they then began mapping out times and schedules for rehearsing before Jesse had to leave.
Rachel hummed happily as she slowly gathered her gear together. Now that she had the perfect partner and the perfect song, it was as if the weight of the world had lifted off her shoulders. She paused a moment and a frown formed momentarily when she realized she had forgotten to ask Jesse just how Kurt had got him involved. As far as she had been aware, Kurt despised Jesse, and Blaine didn't know Jesse at all; those boys had some explaining to do! Glancing at the wall clock she noted that Kurt would likely be in the library since Blaine would be at his part-time job this evening; grabbing her bag she quickly made her way to the library.
Rachel located Kurt in the biography section where he was busy researching Cole Porter for his term essay. Quietly she crept up on him and then reached over to swiftly snatch the book he was reading out of his hands.
"Hey! Give it back, Berry and don't you dare lose my place!" Kurt hissed as loudly as he dared and jumped up to grab the book back.
But Rachel clasped it firmly to her chest and tried to appear very angry. She must have succeeded because Kurt was looking worried. "Not until you spill, Hummel. How and why did you get Jesse involved?" she hissed back in a low whisper.
"I thought you'd be okay with it. The last I'd heard the two of you were on good terms, and let's face it, he's the perfect choice, as much as it would have at one time pained me to say it."
"That's what I don't understand. I was sure you hated him. But you are right." Rachel dropped the angry facade and leaned over to kiss Kurt's cheek before adding "He is the perfect choice. But you still are not getting this book back until you come clean with all the details."
Kurt dropped the defensive mode and started shoving his papers into his satchel. "My brain's about done for the day anyway; let's go grab dinner at our favorite bistro and you can grill me there."
Twenty minutes later as they awaited their meal, Kurt stretched out his long legs and leaned back comfortably. "You do know, that most of the time I can read you like an open book?"
Rachel opened her mouth to deny Kurt's words then thought better of it. "Okay, maybe you can, but?"
"So no buts, you've been talking about Jesse ever since Sectionals. His name manages to creep into nearly every one of our conversations, which is what Blaine immediately noticed. So Blaine asked me to explain about Jesse, and I told him everything."
"Everything?"
"Yup, everything, and when I had finished, Blaine says to me, 'so why is it you hate him so much? He seems like the male version of Rachel and she's your best friend, and it's not like you and Jesse are competing in Glee clubs now.' Then he pointed out that it seemed to him that we had ignored every piece of good advice Jesse had given us in preparing for our first Nationals. Also, that It would silly for McKinley Glee members to have expected Jesse to show any mercy towards us when he later became coach of Carmel's Glee Club, as we were the competition once more.
Then he asked me what was it that I so disliked about Jesse and that's when I realized that a good 70% of my reasons were just me being envious of his talent and looks, and the other 30% was his arrogance and total lack of tact. But, I have to admit that he has tried very hard to make it up to you for that egging incident, and heaven knows every one of us in Glee has done something terrible to you and been forgiven for it. So I decided to be an adult about the matter and give him a second chance."
"So how did you find him?"
"Well." Kurt paused a moment before admitting, "I knew you had Jesse's address somewhere because you'd mentioned he'd given it to you. Now, promise me you won't get mad? I checked your phone contacts that day I told you I'd left my phone at home and borrowed yours to make a call. Blaine and I contacted him and to my surprise he was very civil. I guess he's matured. In fact we had an unexpectedly pleasant visit. When we told him your dilemma and asked him if he knew of anyone that might be available to duet with you (after explaining that you hadn't approached him because you thought he'd be too busy with rehearsals) he said he'd be happy to arrange his schedule to work with you." Kurt took a deep breath before asking, "So do you hate me?"
"I should, for snooping and going behind my back to contact Jesse, but you solved my problem, so I'm just going to expect you to pay for all my soy lattes for the next year."
"Okay, I guess that's fair. So, what are you and Jesse going to perform?"
"Oh no, you my friend, are competition, you'll just have to wait and see," Rachel smugly informed him. After all Kurt wasn't the only one who could be tight lipped as a clam.
Rachel loved Jesse's apartment. As he had promised, the acoustics were incredible, as was the view! The décor was modern and sleek but he'd displayed his collection of theater posters, memorabilia, vinyl records of Broadway and West End Musicals, (and of course his many trophies) which added charm and interest. They kept the loft from looking like something copied from a home style magazine and never lived in. There were also bold splashes of colour which warmed the otherwise black and white theme.
Jesse had persuaded some friends to record an instrumental version of the song for them as he and Rachel were doing their own interpretation of the song. Singing together had always been effortless and natural for them, so there was no need to overthink or overwork that part of the performance once they'd settled on their approach. Instead they spent more of their time on choreographing and practicing the dance steps and blocking then rehearsing the singing. Instinctively, they both held back somewhat in rehearsing. Jesse did so because he was afraid of getting carried away in the moment and ruining the growing friendship between them. Rachel didn't want to outsing, outperform him; the duet had to be balanced or it wouldn't work, so she also held back to match her performance to his.
Being the professionals they were about their craft, they soon had their performance honed to perfection and "rehearsing with Jesse" became more and more just an excuse for them to spend time together talking or getting to know the Big Apple together.
All too soon it seemed the night of the concert had arrived. Fortunately, it was scheduled on Jesse's day off, so his voice was in top form. He'd opted for dressing all in black which played off nicely against Rachel's red dress (she'd enlisted Kurt to modify the one from the year they'd won their first Nationals). Together they made a striking couple and their grand entrance (timed for maximum effect of course) caused a stir of envy among many of the other performers.
Whether it was chance or planning on Carmen Tibideaux's part, Rachel and Jesse were scheduled to sing last. For the most part Rachel remained calm. It wasn't until just before they were to go on that she realized she and Jesse had never performed together in front of a large, discerning audience, but rather than make her nervous it only made her excited.
For Rachel their performance took on a dreamlike quality. She could recall the moment their names were announced, and their taking their positions, but after that it was as if they were transported into their own world, where only the two of them mattered. Neither held anything back from this performance and it wasn't until the applause and cheers finally penetrated their consciousness that the spell was broken. It was at that moment that Rachel realized she didn't care how well she'd done on the assignment, she just wanted to perform with Jesse again and again. Together they created something bigger than the both of them and it was fulfilling in way she couldn't even begin to articulate.
Sometime later they discreetly made their escape outside and strolled along NYADA'S garden paths, before finally wandering over to a bench near the fountain. For some minutes they just sat and quietly watched the play of lights on the cascading water.
Jesse finally turned to look at her and broke the silence. "I'm starting to worry, Rach. You've been unusually quiet since the performance." Jesse's tone was light and teasing, so Rachel knew he wasn't really worried.
She sighed contentedly, she couldn't remember the last time she had felt this at peace with her life. "I'm just thinking how lucky I am. I'm here in the city of my dreams, doing what I love the most, and I'm sharing that with you, the only person who really, truly understands me, believes in me and is always there for me." Rachel laid her head contentedly against his shoulder, while searching for the words to express her emotions. There was this feeling that had been growing ever stronger over the past few weeks, a glow that got brighter and bigger every day and now she fully understood it; was ready to fully embrace it, share it.
"You've always believed my achieving my dreams was an inevitability. But what I failed to understand for so long was that those dreams would always include you. I should have realized sooner that loving you was just as inevitable." Rachel could feel Jesse's entire body suddenly go rigid and he seemed to have stopped breathing.
She gazed up at him anxiously. "Jesse, are you okay?"
"I'm not sure" Jesse managed to croak out. He then took a big, steadying breath before continuing in a voice tinged with a mixture of hope and disbelief, "Did you just say what I think you said?"
Rachel looked directly into his eyes and spoke slowly and distinctly, "I, Rachel Berry, am in love with you, Jesse St. James, and I've been an idiot for not realizing sooner that we were always an inevitability." She had barely got the last word out before she was being kissed like she'd never been kissed before. Finally the necessity to breath forced their lips apart.
"You do realize that you may have to tell me that every day for the rest of our lives."
Rachel noted his confident smirk had made a welcome reappearance and the doubt in his eyes had been replaced with adoration. "I'll be happy to do so if I get kissed like that every time." was her saucy reply.
Jesse placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and smiled contentedly. "Now that's a deal I'd be very happy to keep for the rest of my life, Ms. Berry."