Hey everyone! Here's Chapter 20! Hope you enjoy!
Bbrae-4ever fanfics: And that's fine! I definitely agree that it would be an interesting development. I choose Starfire for that role for a few reasons. One is that I felt like I was using Raven too often as the comfort character, and I wanted to change that for a bit. Also, I used Starfire as the main comfort character in Childlike, and thought that it would be a nice connection between the two to have her have that role here too. I considered having Cyborg as that comfort character here, but couldn't come up with a scene that I liked as much as the necklace/hanging out scene. I'm glad you're enjoying the story! I'm finally on winter break and don't go back to my university for about 3 more weeks, so I really hope to upload a few times a week; it was really difficult to do that over the past semester. :)
Please keep reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it! :)
The tower was remarkably quiet, just as was the city beyond the enormous windows. Beast Boy was sitting on the couch silently in the Main Ops room alone; he had earbuds in as he listened to music. The lights were all off with the exception of a small lamp located in the kitchen. He was staring out through the windows of the room, looking at the city across the water. He watched the lights from buildings and vehicles shift and change throughout the night. He was sure that he would be able to hear car horns and other city sounds, but the music that played into his ears drowned out those noises.
It was peaceful, to say the least. After hanging out with Starfire earlier in the day, he felt calm. It didn't stop the swirling storm inside him, but it did allow him moments of tranquility. Following their hanging out, he retreated back to his room with a few pieces of fruit and napped. He felt tired still despite all the sleep he had been getting. By the time he had woken up, it was nearly dark outside, so he ate some of the fruit and put the rest away for later. It was now nearing midnight, and he was the only Titan still awake.
It was confusing to him, everything that he had been feeling lately. It was familiar to him, having had dealt with it all as a child, but at the same time, it felt foreign. He had grown out of his depression as a child. It had taken a long time, but he eventually felt good again. It's not that he never felt the pain of it. It was always there, but it had just become weaker. The Doom Patrol, although they weren't completely aware of his history, knew that he struggled, and helped him through it all. They helped him get above the water that he felt he was drowning in. By the time he found the Titans, he was soaring well above the water. He was happy; happier than he had felt in a long, long time.
But all the feelings were coming back harder than ever, and it was terrifying. He didn't know what to do. He felt out of control. He didn't understand why it was coming back. He was living a good life; he had great friends, he enjoyed what he did, and he had an amazing girlfriend. But, despite that all, he felt like he was drowning again. As if there was a weight tied down to his ankle, pulling him down deeper and deeper. The blackness of the water surrounded his vision, the pressure crushing his body.
He allowed himself to sink deeper into the couch as the music blared through his ears. The music helped calm him further. He loved music, but then again, everyone did. Everyone had a different reason for enjoying music. Some liked to dance to it, some liked to sing, and some liked to get lost in it. That's where Beast Boy stood; he liked to get lost in it. He liked for the lyrics to fill his heart with emotion and for the beats to rummage through his soul. And as each beat poured through the earbuds, and as each verse was sang, he could feel himself relax. Music was understandable and relatable when nothing else seemed to be.
Despite this comfort though, his thoughts continued to roam. Nothing could drown out the thoughts and the feelings. He felt the pressure increasing through his body, the weight of the water pouring all over and around him. He supposed that's why he cut. He knew that different people did it for different reasons. Some experienced an overwhelming numbness and craved to actually feel. Some felt the opposite; they felt too much and craved for a release of those emotions. For him, he felt a pressure. Not a pressure to do something or to act a certain way, like a peer pressure, but something more abstract. An overwhelming pressure that threatened to consume him and his entire being. He would feel his chest tighten, as if he couldn't breathe. He would feel all of his muscles tighten, making his body stiff and shaky. And only when the blade would break his skin and the blood would pour out, would he feel that pressure release itself from his being. Of course, it would come back. It always came back. And each time it returned, it was stronger, requiring more skin to be broken, more blood to be shed. It was addicting. It wasn't as simple as just stopping or just suppressing the urge. If he didn't do it, his mind and body would scream at him, threatening him and filling him with dread until he gave in. And he hated it.
He quietly chuckled to himself, feeling his chest vibrate with each laugh.
He thought it was ironic almost. He caused himself such great pain just to get rid of another great pain, in the end just leading to an even greater pain. It was so obvious to him that what he was doing was wrong and that he needed to stop, but he wouldn't stop. He couldn't. Unfortunately, good reasoning and self-preservation didn't mix well with his depression, so there was no use in stopping in his mind.
He continued to stare out the window at the city. The sky was clear tonight; no clouds in sight. Stars littered the black sky, the moon beaming brightly against the darkness. Lights began to go out in the city as businesses closed and people went to sleep, causing the city to become even more still.
He was soon startled out of his thoughts when a hand landed on his shoulder, causing him to jump. He fell on the ground, staring at who had sneaked up behind him.
"Sorry, BB, didn't mean to scare you," Cyborg said as he made his way around the couch and offered a hand to his friend. Beast Boy took his hand and stood back up before sitting back on the couch.
"It's okay. I didn't hear you coming," Beast Boy responded, eliciting a chuckle from the metal man.
"That's obvious," he laughed, "I called your name out like three times, and you never responded. I could hear your music through your headphones all the way in the kitchen." Cyborg took a seat on the couch next to Beast Boy. "How ya doing?"
"Fine, I guess. I hung out with Star earlier, so that was nice," Beast Boy responded.
"Oh yeah, I heard about that. She was really excited and talking about it when she came down for dinner earlier. Which, by the way, you missed. When was the last time you ate?" Cyborg asked.
"I had a few pieces of fruit earlier," Beast Boy responded as he wrapped his earbuds wire around his Ipod.
"You need to be eating more, B," Cyborg said, noticing his friend's thinner frame. Beast Boy had definitely lost some weight since the trip, and his uniform was starting to somewhat hang off of certain parts of him.
"I'm not hungry," he responded.
Cyborg exhaled a deep breath.
"Still, hungry or not, you need to be eating. I'll even make you something vegetarian if you'll eat it," he offered.
"Thanks, Cy. Maybe some other time, though," Beast Boy said.
A silence grew between the two as they both watched out the window. More lights in the city began to disappear into the darkness as more people retired to their beds.
"Hey, man, I wanted to apologize about yesterday," Cyborg said, catching Beast Boy's attention. The green teen looked up at his friend. "I shouldn't have been so persistent in trying to get you to talk. I know it upset you, and I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Cy. I know you're just looking out for me. I didn't mean to blow up on you guys like that," Beast Boy responded, returning his gaze to the darkening city before him.
"I know," Cyborg responded, "We just wanted to make sure you're okay. We're concerned, B. We don't want to see anything happen to you. We want to help."
"I appreciate that, but I don't think you can help," the changeling said before dropping his voice to a quiet whisper, "I can't even help myself."
"We can still try though. You're not alone in this, B," Cyborg responded, pulling in his friend gently for a hug; he didn't want to aggravate his friend's arms.
They were silent for a few moments as they embraced. Soon, Beast Boy spoke up.
"Thanks, Cy," he whispered, wrapping his arms around his friend. He really did appreciate them trying to help, but he knew they couldn't. It was hopeless at this point. Beast Boy pulled away from the embrace. "I think I'm going to head to bed now. It's getting pretty late."
Beast Boy stood up and starting to walk towards the doors.
"Goodnight, Cy," he said before disappearing behind the doors.
"Night, B," he called out, hoping his friend heard. He sat there for a few moments longer, staring out at the dark city before standing up and heading to bed himself.