Hey everyone! Here's Chapter 35! Hope you enjoy!
Bbrae-4ever fanfics: I agree; it's pretty suffocating, but leaving him unattended could be risky. It's what they do on psych floors in hospitals. You're basically always followed by a nurse, even to the bathroom, and you're very limited in what you can do and where you can go. It's a good thing she found them, although it certainly will not fix his problems. Raven is so good at comforting Beast Boy, and vice versa. I feel like they suite each other so well. Glad you're enjoying the story! :)
RPGPersona: It's a vicious cycle, one that's hard to break. She should've checked on him more carefully to ensure his sleeping, or lack thereof. She surely will now. She did react well once she returned though, taking the situation into her control to help stabilize him. Crying is such a good release, but unfortunately most people don't like to cry in front of others, or even at all. He's beginning to open up, but it'll be a slow process. Hope you're enjoying the story! :)
Please keep reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it! :)
If Raven had been watching him like a hawk before, the situation had now been upgraded to her becoming his shadow. She never let him out of her sight, or she would at least bring in another teen to watch him while he napped. After Beast Boy had told her where he got his blade from and where the others were located, she called Cyborg and had him go check for her. Sure enough, there were two blades underneath his bed, and they were immediately removed. That, of course, had alerted the other teens that he was still harming himself.
It had been a week since that happened. And in that long, long week, all the teens had been diligent in trying to find new ways for Beast Boy to cope with the urges. Raven continued to teach him relaxation techniques, such as meditation, but those only worked so much. Cyborg focused on distracting him with fun activities, such as video games and pranks, but Beast Boy had a really difficult time getting into those activities. Robin researched different coping mechanisms and tried to implement them on Beast Boy. They had tried holding ice cubes for the freezing pain, running for emotional release, and writing for emotional expression, but nothing helped enough. Starfire went with a more compassionate approach and constantly bombarded him with hugs and other mementoes that showed that she cared.
Beast Boy really appreciated his friends' approaches at trying to help him, but he still didn't understand why they were going to such great lengths to try to help him. He understood that they cared about him – that was beyond obvious enough to him. But why they would sacrifice their own time and energy to try to help control and satisfy his urges in a less destructive manner befuddled him. And he realized that they were trying their best with him. He knew it must be hard for them to try to solve a problem that they knew absolutely nothing about. He was trying his best to be responsive to their attempts, but the methods only went so far in their effectiveness. None of them even came close to matching what he felt with a blade. The ice was probably the best one he had tried, but even then, it was more irritating than helpful. The relaxation techniques and distractions helped somewhat too, but he found that they more so helped to delay the urge rather than to dismiss it. And all the hugs and such were nice and comforting, but there's such a thing as too much attention.
All in all, despite his appreciation for the support, it was beginning to be too much. He craved alone time. He hated being constantly worried about and watched. He hated their disappointed glances and their attempts to stop him when they found him scratching or biting himself. He wished that he still had access to a blade. If only he hadn't confessed to Raven where the others were, he would still have relatively easy access to what he needed. And he needed it. The methods of trying to stop him from hurting himself helped to an extent, but did not and could not fulfill his needs, and they just didn't understand that.
It's going to be like this forever, Beast Boy thought to himself as he lay in bed with Raven. It was the middle of the night, and much like the last few nights, insomnia was hitting him hard.
I'm never going to get better. The rest of my life is just going to be filled with constant watching and pain, at least until I can finally get away and end it for good.
He turned on his side and faced the window. The moon was large and bright, and it illuminated the blackened sky. He thought it was actually quite beautiful, especially when surrounded by the twinkling stars. He felt a shuffle in the bed, and felt Raven turn over on her side, her back to him. In the process, she had removed her arm from over him. At first, it didn't register as much besides her just repositioning herself, but then Beast Boy realized what it meant for him. He could leave the room without disturbing her, without alerting her to his absence. Within seconds of that realization, he carefully got up out of bed, making sure not to disturb her, and snuck out of the room in the form of a spider. Once out in the hallway, he transformed back into his human form.
They removed all the blades from my room, so there's nothing I can use there. I bet I could find another pencil sharpener to break, but with my luck, the sound would probably wake someone up.
He looked both ways down the hallway, contemplating to himself where he would be able to fulfill his need.
The kitchen has knives! I know Cyborg hid them, but they're still in the kitchen somewhere and I know I can find them.
With that thought and determination, he made his way to the kitchen in the form of a mouse. When he got there and saw that no one else was in the room, he transformed back into his human form.
"Now where would Cyborg hide those knives?" he quietly asked himself as he peered around the room. He remembered seeing Cyborg using one of the knives just a day earlier as he prepared a meal. Although he hadn't seen where he put the knife back, he remembered hearing the closing of a cabinet door.
He started rummaging through the cabinets as quietly as possible. It was a bit difficult considering all the pots and pans that would clank together, but he still managed to keep it to a relatively low volume. Unfortunately, there were quite a few cabinets in the kitchen, and he knew that it may take a while.
The first few cabinets he went through held nothing but cookware. Finished with that section of cabinets, he went to the ones underneath the sink. The first cabinet was filled with cleaning materials, which were strong in his nose, violently burning his sinuses. He wrinkled his nose and continued to search through the cabinets. In the next cabinet he looked through, he found rolls of unused paper towels. He was about to close the cabinet door when he noticed something glint in the back. He pushed a few of the rolls out of the way, exposing the group of kitchen knives tucked away behind them.
"There you are," Beast Boy hummed to himself as he pulled them closer to him. He searched through them, soon finding one that would work well for him. It was a long and shiny blade, with a smooth, plain edge. He stood back up and turned the knife in his hand. The lights from the city across the water danced off the reflective surface. He pulled up his sleeve and placed the tip of the knife against his skin. He used enough pressure to have the blade hurt his skin, but it did not break the skin. He was about to rip it through, but a thought filled his mind.
Don't do this. It's not worth it, he thought to himself as he stared at the knife that was about to pierce his skin.
I can't keep living like this…I can't keep…hurting myself, hurting the ones I love.
There has to be something more than this, something better to live for.
Slowly, he lifted the blade off of his wrist, and it hovered a mere inch away from his skin. His body began shaking.
I can't keep cutting.
The knife fell out of his hand and clanked onto the floor loudly. He stood there shaking, looking down at his wrist that he thought would've been bleeding by now. Unhurriedly, he bent down and picked up the knife, placing it back where he had found it. He hid them back behind the paper towels again, and closed the cabinet door. He stood up and leaned against the sink.
The urge continued, and his body still craved the bloodshed, but he refused to give into it. He breathed in deeply, trying to calm and distract himself. He knew that, although cutting seemed to make him feel better, it was just pushing him further and further down into the darkness. He couldn't let this pattern continue. He needed to get help. He needed to get better. And, to do so, he needed to put in effort. He was never going to get better unless he made the decision to do so. His friends couldn't make him recover; that was all on his own.
He heard the doors swoosh open behind him, and heard the heavy footsteps walk in towards him. Soon, he felt the large presence right behind him.
"B? What are you doing out here? Where's Raven?" Cyborg asked him nervously.
"Rae's still in bed. I got thirsty and didn't want to wake her, so I just came in here to get water," he lied as he reached up into the cabinet above and pulled out a glass. He put it under the faucet and turned it on, filling the cup with cold water.
"Is that all you came down here for?" Cyborg questioned. He saw no blood or anything to suggest that Beast Boy had hurt himself, but he was still nervous for his friend.
"Yup, that's all," Beast Boy said as he turned around to face his friend, taking a sip of water in the process.
Cyborg eyed him suspiciously, but seemed to believe his lie. Cyborg then reached into the cabinet above Beast Boy's head and pulled down a glass, filling it with water as well. The two of them drank their water in silence, the lights from the city illuminating their features. Soon, Beast Boy finished his glass and placed it in the sink.
"Well, I better get back to Raven before she wakes up and sees that I'm missing. That would not be fun," Beast Boy said as he started heading towards the door. He was about to leave before he stopped and turned around. "And Cy?"
Cyborg turned back and met his eyes. "Yeah?"
"Thanks," Beast Boy said to him.
"For what?" Cyborg asked.
"For everything. I know I've been difficult to deal with lately, to say the least, but I really appreciate what you and the others are trying to do for me. I don't know what I'd do without you, dude," he said.
"No problem. We're just glad to see you're doing better. We really do care about you and want to see you be happy," Cyborg said, a small smile covering his face.
Beast Boy returned the smile, one of the first genuine smiles he had worn in a while, and left the room to return back to Raven.