A/N: ZareEraz here! I added this scene after Kikuhiko takes a walk in the morning after the play. It's not in the anime, but I wanted a little more meaningful interaction between Sukeroku and Kikuhiko. I hope you enjoy it. Tsubaki, or camellia, has a few meanings in Hanakotoba, or Japanese flower language. Red tsubaki symbolizes being in love, white tsubaki symbolizes waiting, and yellow tsubaki symbolizes longing, all of which I thought were appropriate for this chapter.
I have also determined that the story takes place in (if not, near) Asakusa, Tokyo. It's an old neighborhood in Tokyo that was known for its red light districts (Miyokichi), and was the hub for entertainment theaters (the rakugo storytellers). A lot of it was bombed during the war, which would explain why several theaters had to be reopened in the show. If the manga says something different, let me know because I haven't read it.
Act III: Tsubaki of the Morning
"So! You finally got all that grease paint off of you!" Sukeroku chuckled as Bon stepped outside of the Misuzu-za in his customary shirt and slacks, the dim light of the back door illuminating the ally and the group of actors waiting for the star. Everyone was back in their normal clothes, whether they were yukata or Western style, and they all had huge grins on their faces, still riding high on adrenaline from performing. Bon looked the same as them as well, his eyes still shining, his whole aura lighter.
"Yes, finally." Bon complained, rubbing his raw cheek. It had taken him the better part of an hour to get all the makeup and paint off his face, neck and arms and everything was still a little red from his scrubbing. "You didn't have to wait for me." He said, eyeing the troupe.
"If we didn't wait, how would we know if you were actually going to come?" Sukeroku asked back, throwing an arm around his friend. He was worth the wait. "You're notorious for skipping out on fun stuff, party pooper." Sukeroku poked the man's cheek, earning him a disgruntled glare.
"At least I take my job seriously and do some work, unlike a certain someone I know." The venom was back, all the charm of the evening evaporating.
"Ooooo, scary!~ At least I know how to have fun!" The brunette smiled, in too good of a mood to let Bon's coldness drag him down. "Now, let's party!" The man's excited shout was followed by the lively whoops and conversation of the group and the men all headed towards the nearest bar.
The establishment was Japanese style rather than Western, and it was full tonight. The troupe itself took up two tables with about eight men at each one, making the space a little cramped (considering that they had to steal extra cushions just so sit down) and they would keep the serving ladies busy all night long. Kikuhiko was sitting at the far back corner of his table, near the second table they'd commandeered, almost in between both tables. Shin-san was sitting next to him and he (of course) was the first on to raise his glass in a toast.
"To the success of the play!" He shouted.
"Kapai! Cheers!~" Everyone clinked their beers and started partying, the focus of the conversation directed towards the play and Bunta's hair. Once the beers were gone, Shin-san called for sake and then started pouring it for everyone at the table to thank them for their help (drinking more than his fair share in the process as well). Kikuhiko was drinking quietly in the corner, content to just listen to the babble around him when he was addressed.
"Hey, you good-for-nothing." Sukeroku was giving him a dirty look, his cheeks flushed from drinking. The brunette was leaning against the wall so he didn't fall over, an empty bottle of sake in his lap. "Letting a woman walk home alone? What were you thinking?" Oh, he must be talking about Miyokichi. I sent Matsuda after her, didn't I?
"I don't need lectures from a bum like you." Kikuhiko replied.
"You'd better make it up to her later." Shin-san grabbed another bottle and poured more sake into the raven's cup.
"I don't need your meddling either." It was just like it had always been. They were arguing like normal and acting like normal, but to Kikuhiko, everything was not normal. He'd been stunning on the stage, he was never stunning! Shin-san was doing odd things, like how he put his hand on the man's waist, or how he'd act real mushy with him and now that the raven was getting a little lightheaded from drinking, he really hoped that he could keep his feelings at bay. If he did something odd with Shin-san in public, he'd be screwed.
"Hey, you. Listen to what your older brother says!"
"You're not my older brother. I was apprenticed before you were." He argued. If anything, he was the older brother. He acted like one too, unlike that bum – that bum whose hair was falling into his face a little, looking more ruggedly handsome with each drink than his usual, un-kept self.
"I went through the gate first!" Shin-san argued back as Kikuhiko took another drink. "Ah, hell. We're having such a great time. Let's not fight." He smiled cutely. And just like that, Kikuhiko had to choke back his shock. He's never dropped an argument before…Shin-san was the type of person who avoided arguments as much as possible, but when he got into one, he was determined to win, so this just added to his strange behavior.
"You're quite drunk, I see." The raven said, to cover up his surprise.
"You must feel pretty great too, right? Getting such a great audience response…"
"Well…" Kikuhiko didn't know how to describe his feelings out loud. Yes, he was surprised that the audience had loved him like they had, but he also felt like he was becoming someone different, someone who did scandalous things onstage and entertained indecent thoughts because Shin-san pushed him. Even tonight was the same – he'd had more to drink in a single evening than he'd had for two months, all because Shin-san was pouring his drinks for him. Something about the man as he was now was irresistible to resist. Even if he said no, as he'd initially done with the play, he'd still lost and had ended up doing it anyway.
"That's right. Once an audience looks at you that way, you can never quit." It's more like when you look at me I can't say no. But before he could respond with something more appropriate than what his brain was thinking, Shin-san turned around the lay on the raven's lap, his head resting on his thigh. Kikuhiko gasped softly in surprise and at the intimate contact, that spot on his leg seeming to heat up on its own. It's not like Shin-san hadn't done this before, but now…now it was different.
And Sukeroku could tell that it was different too. Bon's lap was one of his nice places to sleep, but now, after what he'd been doing and feeling towards the other man…now it was his absolute favorite place to lie down. Bon wasn't a robust looking man, but his legs were toned from all the walking he did and because of how he had to walk with his injury. Sometimes, Sukeroku wondered just how graceful Bon would be if he could dance, like he had as a child, before they'd met. But that was a dream that would never come true, but at least he had a warm lap to rest his head on.
"When I was in Manchuria, I came close to death a bunch of times." The brunette started again, his blush a little deeper for several reasons. "I came close to death, but when I was doing rakugo for the soldiers, I could see the way it filled them with joy. There was no radio out there and they were starved for entertainment, so they were so happy to get it. They looked just like the people today." Sukeroku recalled the bright, happy faces of the audience and smiled a little wider. "I love seeing faces like that. And that's when I made up my mind…I was going to do rakugo for the people. What about you?" His eyes started getting heavy, the excitement of the day and the drinking finally crashing down on him. But he had one more thing to say. "And you gave them happy faces…Bon…" And then he was out, snoring in his new favorite spot.
"Huh?" Kikuhiko looked down in surprise, stunned that Shin-san had fallen asleep on him in public. He didn't do this very often at home either, so it was a little embarrassing to be found in that position when the man's snores snagged the attention of their friends. "He fell asleep…" The raven sighed. A man called Muramasa chuckled, looking at the pair, and several other voices joined in. Shin-san slept though the rest of the party on Kikuhiko's lap, but when it came time to go, the raven had to poke him awake. There was no way in hell he was going to be able to carry the man home by himself. But that didn't stop Shin-san from trying to get him to do it.
A smack on the head with a cane later, Shin-san walked home on his own two feet, but he had an arm thrown around his friend the entire time, stumbling and listing unpredictably and making the walk that much harder. And he was giggly and loud and Kikuhiko was afraid that someone was going to yell at them for disturbing the peace, so he picked up the pace as best as he could with his limp. By the time they got home, it was extremely late and Shin-san was about to pass out again, so it was all the raven could do to get the brunette to switch into his sleeping yukata while he grabbed the bedding himself. Once it was laid out, Shin-san collapsed onto it and was asleep instantly, snoring once again. Kikuhiko sighed at the drunkard and changed into his own yukata, folding up both his and Shin-san's clothes and putting them away.
As he lay down to go to sleep, Kikuhiko found that he couldn't rest at all. His mind was still awake and his body excited from the day's events…and his leg was still warm from where Shin-san's head had rested. The man tossed and turned for hours, unable to fall asleep, and whatever rest he did obtains was a fickle doze. He listened to Shin-san's snoring all night, envying the man for having slumbering like he didn't have a care in the world. But the raven had way to many cares for his sleep to be peaceful. The raven gave up on sleep and just laid quietly, the silence on the night only disturbed by Shin-san and the occasional animal call from outside. He let his mind wander through his problems.
The first one, which was almost always on his mind, was his rakugo performance – he just didn't have the charm that other performers had and was always overshadowed by Sukeroku. It had been a constant worry for him, to feel inadequate for his profession. He'd even told Miyokichi that he didn't feel like he was cut out for rakugo and she'd turned around and told him that she liked his rakugo, refusing to let him have outside confirmation that he was subpar. What about you? Shin-san's voice repeated in his head. Why did he do rakugo? He didn't know.
The second issue was the audience's reaction to him today – he'd felt so different as they'd cheered him on, but even as he felt warmth and excitement rush through his veins again just thinking about it, he couldn't help but wonder…was my performance really worth the praise? I've never acted before, so it would be understandable if I wasn't great, but they'd shouted my name…did they really like me? Having someone like his performance was shaky, new territory and it was scary. If people didn't like you, you knew what to expect from the audience…but when they did like you, then you had to meet their standards for them to continue liking you. It was a heavy burden…one Shin-san didn't get weighed down by.
And that led his brain into the third issue at hand…he loved a man. Or at least, he thought he did. Kikuhiko sat up and leaned against the wall, the morning sun beginning to rise behind him and shine through the open window, ending his sleepless night. He stared at the object of his vexation, his mouth hung open and he unconsciously scratched his chest in his sleep. He was filthy most of the time, rude, abrasive and unrefined in the theater, inappropriate everywhere else, he drank way too much, sought the company of women more than he should and he refused to conform himself to rules of any sort. The only thing he did take a little seriously was rakugo and he made trouble with the masters all the time despite his love for the art. There were very few things that were good about that man…but what he lacked in sophistication, he made up for in fellowship, energy and spirit. He was such an odd creature. Odd enough to caress the raven's face a few nights ago. Kikuhiko wondered why he'd done that, touching his own cheek. What about you? Came the question again. He felt nothing from his own touch…but what if he touched Shin-san's cheek? Would that…would that feel…different?
And without even knowing he had moved, Kikuhiko was kneeling next to his roommate, his hand reaching out to touch Shin-san's face. The movement had happened so unconsciously that as his fingertips started to brush the other man's jaw line, the raven yanked his hand back harshly. Why am I doing this?! This is not supposed to be how love works! I'm supposed to fall in love with a beautiful woman and start a respected family! Not cavort with a man whose questionable behavior could get him expelled! But even as he scolded himself, the man's fingertips burned from where he'd brushed Shin-san's face, his heart beating fast. The man was so spooked by his own questionable behavior that he left the apartment to cool his head.
It was just barely dawn, so the streets of Tokyo were empty, the hustle and bustle of the day still sleeping peacefully. The morning birds sang in the brightening sky, the only sound that accompanied the clack of geta and the soft thump of a cane. Kikuhiko was taking a long walk, a walk long enough to take him to Asakusa Park. The streets of the city gave way to a winding path following a stream. The hydrangea flowers were blooming beautifully as he walked past them, their blue and purple petals reflecting the soft light of the rising sun. The man kept walking, his thoughts churning and his feelings still a tangled mess. What about you? The question came again and this time, he wasn't sure if Shin-san was asking him about rakugo or about their relationship. It's not like they'd done anything, far from it, but now that Kikuhiko was thinking these things, it was going to be difficult to keep things from getting awkward. Everything in his life was a big mess right now, and it all stemmed from rakugo.
What about you? He asked again.
Why am I doing this? I've never really thought about it until now. Kikuhiko came up to a bridge that spanned a small river, his geta clacking on the wooden panels as he came to a stop in the middle of it. The man stared down into the water, as if it was going to have the answers for him. As he gazed into the flowing waters, his reflection as distorted, making the man look like the boy he'd once been. Seeing a warped image of himself trigger at least part of an answer for the raven. Yes, that's right…back then, I was always so frantic. The first day he was apprenticed came back to his mind, the looming gate of the Yurakutei house intimidating, the fear of the unknown looming down upon the young boy. It was the only way to find a place I could stay. And by staying…I've had a life vastly different than the one I would've had.
He would've never met Master Yakumo or the Mistress or Matsuda-san, those who took great care of him. He would've never met Shin-san and the other futatsume and shin'uichi or any of the regular theater patrons, those lives who filled his own. The only person he might've still met had he stayed employed to the geisha house was Miyokichi, and even then, their relationship would've been different. So why had he stayed? Why had he chosen to stick with rakugo even if he wasn't good at it? Who did he do rakugo for?
Who is my rakugo for? I never had time to think about that. After all, rakugo was the only thing I could do to survive…and now…it's a burden somewhat – the burden of being mediocre and the burden of getting involved in things that should be left alone. Shin-san probably doesn't feel anything like I do, and that's fine. He can have all the girls he wants as long as he doesn't bring them home. Kikuhiko knew he was lying to himself. He knew that he was lying, that it wouldn't hurt him to stay silent about his feelings, but he believed the lie. He let himself believe it, for his own sake.
And he would've kept believing it, had a voice not called out his name.
"Hey, Bon." A soft voice called out from behind him. Kikuhiko turned to see Shin-san standing on the other side of the bridge, leaning against the post. He looked like he'd just woken up (with a serious case of bedhead – that that in and of itself was miraculous because Shin-san's hair always looked messy) and had seemingly been standing there a while.
"Shin-san, what are you doing out of bed?" Kikuhiko asked, falling on his old habits of nagging, covering up his surprise. It was as if his thoughts had summoned the man. "I thought you were hungover."
"I thought I saw a beautiful woman walking all by herself out in the street," He started, his voice teasing. "But it was just you. My pounding head must be making me see Benten all over again."
"Is that an insult or a compliment?" The raven huffed.
"You pick!" Sukeroku gave him a brilliant smile.
"I don't think it's either." He tsked, looking away from the man.
"Aw, don't be like that!~" The brunette smiled cheekily. "But you were wonderful yesterday. Like a dream."
"I am not wonderful." Kikuhiko words held so much venom that he'd shocked himself. I am not wonderful, I'm second-rate.
Sukeroku watched as Bon's face pinched up, his self-loathing turning into a dagger-like glare, his anger at his inadequacies turning his sly lips into a snarl, stemming from years of being lost. He looked so sad and hurt, so much so that the brunette was moving before he even knew what was happening. He hugged Bon. He wrapped his arms around the man's shoulders and pulled him to his own chest, tucking the raven's head under his chin.
"Shin-san! What are you doing?!" Bon gasped. He struggled against him for a moment, his cane jabbing the brunette in the foot a few times, but Sukeroku wasn't letting go. He didn't really know why he did it, but he didn't want Bon to look that sad ever again. That had been the face of a broken heart and that had been more painful to watch than he'd thought it would be.
"I'm embracing you." Sukeroku said simply, keeping his hold. "You looked like you needed it." And he'd wanted to do it. For the last little while he'd wanted to hold Bon like this, to tell him he was wonderful and that audiences were going to love him once he found himself. But he could never say those things in the right sort of way because Bon had a self-deprecating personality and wouldn't take anything he said seriously. If he couldn't comfort the man with words, then this was the next best thing.
Bon quieted down in his arms, the man's hands coming up around Sukeroku's back to grip his yukata. His face a buried in the brunette's chest and he was breathing heavily. They stood like for a few moments, holding each other as the day woke up around them. Sukeroku could smell the soap that Bon had used to get rid of the sweat the wig had caused during the play. Bon smelled…clean. Everything about him was pristine – the way he talked, dressed, practiced and when he walked he was graceful, even with his limp. Bon was like a doll – perfect – but he was also extremely fragile when he pretended he wasn't. Sukeroku had seen it time and time again when Bon thought he was alone to wallow in self-pity. He'd seen it all, and it hurt to see someone he cared for cripple himself with doubts when everyone around him knew he could be great. Sukeroku wanted some of his positivity to sink into the man in his arms, so he squeezed him a little tighter, hope that Bon couldn't hear how fast his heart was beating and how hot his skin was with the other man so close.
It was strange, how quickly his thinking had changed. Just a few weeks ago he wouldn't have thought of Bon as anything other than a friend, someone he'd grown up with, someone who tolerated his antics and yet was steadfast enough to nag him like a mother. But now…now he thought he might love the man, the same as how he loved girls. It was strange sensation, admitting that he loved another man…but at the same time it felt right, so Sukeroku would just roll with it. If Bon never liked him like that, it was okay, but he'd keep loving Bon no matter what. And that's why he tipped his head down ever so slightly and kissed the raven's hair softly, soft enough that the man might've not felt it in the first place. It was enough for now; he didn't want to scare Bon off, after all.
"What would've caused you to even think of doing that?" The raven asked, giving Sukeroku his signature glare as he unhooked the man's chin from his head. The brunette feared for his life, hoping that Bon hadn't noticed that he'd just kissed his head.
"You looked like you needed cheering up." The brunette shrugged, playing it off.
"So manhandling me seemed like the best way to cheer me up?" Kikuhiko was confused by Shin-san's behavior. He was touchy, but not like this…okay, he might've been that way with several women, perhaps, but not with Kikuhiko.
"I won't tell anyone that you were crying." Shin-san teased softly.
"I was not!" Bon growled, his glare getting sharper.
"Are you sure about that?" Shin-san went on, a sky smile on his face. "Your eyes look a little red!~"
"They do not!" Kikuhiko's skilled hand, flipped his cane around effortlessly behind the brunette's head and smacked him it, earning the raven a satisfying yowl of pain. Shin-san had to let go of his friend and Kikuhiko stepped away easily as the other man held his throbbing head with both hands.
"Ow! You're such a meanie, Bon!"
"And you're such a pest." Kikuhiko heart was still racing as he tried to act normal. He'd never been hugged like that before…never in his whole life. He'd always kept himself as it distance from people and they'd done the same…this mother…the other geisha at the house he'd spent the beginning of his childhood…the master and mistress, though kind, never hugged him like that… and Miyokichi very rarely hugged him with sincerity – it was mostly flirting hugs and teasing touches from her. Shin-san was the only one who'd ever done this for him…had ever embrace him with so much sincerity and emotion. It was…nice. And it made denying his budding feelings for the man that much harder. But Shin-san was the one to yank him back to reality.
"I am not!" The brunette make a face at his friend.
"Are you now?" Kikuhiko changed into a more sly character, possibly channeling his Benten from yesterday. "Then why don't you prove it by paying some rent now and again? I'm sure you could handle that if you quit drinking all the time."
"Not gonna happen!" Shin-san barked instantly.
"You'd have fewer hangovers too." The raven started walking away, heading back towards his apartment the way he'd come. Shin-san was right behind him, following like a dog running after its master.
"I told you its not gonna happen!"
"Then get out of my house." Kikuhiko threw the statement over his shoulder, waving the man off.
"The company makes up for it, right?! Good conversation!?"
"If only it was good."
"Ah! I'm offended!" Shin-san gasped. "You really are a meanie! Stuuuuupid Bon!~"
"You're the foolish one. I've never met such a lazy – ah!" Bon stumbled over a rough patch in the path, his geta catching on a rock or a dip and he stumbled, losing his balanced and nearly falling to the ground since he couldn't catch himself properly with his bed leg. But he didn't fall. Sukeroku's hand shot out and grabbed his arm, catching the man's weight for him and pulling him back into his own chest. Kikuhiko got his feet again, an embarrassed blush on his face from having been so distracted by banter that he'd stopped paying attention to where he was walking. He looked up at Shin-san and hoped that he didn't look too embarrassed. Unfortunately, Sukeroku thought his face was just too damn cute.
"See, I'm good for something." Sukeroku smiled happily, loving how adorable and embarrassed Bon looked.
"Don't get cocky." Bon pushed the man away and kept walking like nothing had happened. But the blush still remained on his face, even as Sukeroku jogged to catch up to him again.
"Oh, come on! The least you can do is say 'thanks!'"
"That's not going to happen."
"Now look who's being a pest."
"I am not."
"Are too!" Despite the conversation, Sukeroku laughed heartily, throwing his arm around Bon's shoulders and pulling the man closer, and the raven didn't complain about it once as the argument continued on.
The peaceful morning was broken by their quarrel but something had changed between them, ever so slightly, and it was so slight that they fell into a deeper relationship without even knowing they had. It just felt…natural. As natural as dew on a flower petal, shining with the rising sun.
A/N: And there you go! Don't forget to review and tell me what you think! See you all later! :3