Thanks for all the reviews. I appreciate your feedback, especially because reviews help me update regularly so keep them coming.
For any wondering, this entire story is written chronologically, both the flashbacks and as we go through season 7, starting in the first episode of the season.
Hope can be a terrible thing.
She had been drowning, secretly suffering from the guilt from all her private failures. The infidelity that had spanned the length of her entire relationship. The family obligations she had pushed aside in favor of pleasure, maybe even love, both of which didn't excuse what she did, what she wanted to continue doing. There was the life she was entrusted to protect but didn't, and the promises she had made but hadn't kept. She was drowning from it all and attempting to cope with all her perceived failings alone. Because who could she really tell? It was oddly hilarious, she had two people in her life who she was intimately close with and neither one knew the whole truth.
"She's on her way" Hotch said in a cold and professional tone before walking away, leaving a tensed JJ in the hallway outside the BAU.
She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't prepared to see Emily again. She knew she probably should not see her again, it was only going to complicate things, and JJ didn't need any more 'complicated' in her life. Quite frankly, Emily Prentiss coming back wasn't going to be good for her, or Emily. JJ tried to convince herself that she didn't want to see Emily again. She was with Will, they had a child together. She needed to focus her life on raising Henry. She didn't want to see Emily again. However, as twisted as it was and as much as she tried to deny it, she knew she needed to.
As she walked to the BAU conference room, JJ was strangely relieved that there were bigger issues at hand, mainly telling the team that her and Hotch had been lying to them about Emily's death for the past six months. Dealing with their deception was a relief because that meant that Hotch wasn't going to lecture her about Emily. JJ knew that Hotch had always known about her and Emily, like everyone else, but even if he hadn't, JJ's response to Emily coming back would have been a dead giveaway that something had happened between them. However, JJ knew that this time was different. This time he wasn't going to put in his input, but then again, maybe this time he didn't have a right to. Because, sure, Emily was coming back, but not as a profiler or a member of his team. In reality it was the perfect time for them, and Emily was probably under that impression too.
But the funny thing about impressions is that they can be wrong.
It was a strange feeling to have Emily 'rise from the dead,' as cliché as it sounded. Of course JJ knew all along that Emily was alive, but it felt so good to have her back, to have her within reach. But then again, she really wasn't. However, was Emily ever within reach? It was always as if they were drifting apart, their fingers barely touching, trying to hold on to one another but neither one of them having a strong enough grip.
Emily looked the same, but somehow different. Her bangs had long grown out, the once pronounced dark circles under her eyes now negligible, but she still looked worn and stressed. The blonde waited as everyone else greeted the brunette, observing as Emily tried to awkwardly apologize for something she had no choice in. It's not like anyone told Emily everyone thought she was dead until after it had already been done. The decision was made for her. JJ had seen Emily's agony over the decision, over the deceit, and as a result she felt a need to protect the woman. Because only she knew what Emily was going through, and if she was honest she would have to admit that she didn't even know the half of it.
"So you're actually back" Emily remarked with a smile as both her and JJ left Garcia's office. She had been worried the entire plane ride, no, her entire time in Europe, that she wouldn't be welcomed back home. Admittedly things were different, but Garcia was the same, Hotch was the same, Rossi was Rossi, and JJ…well Emily knew that she was always going to come back for JJ.
JJ chuckled at the statement, "They've been looking for your replacement, and Rossi called me."
"That's great" Emily replied excitedly as she looked down to notice the Citrine ring still on JJ's left hand. But that ring was more about Henry than Will right? Maybe JJ had kept that promise, but it wasn't like Emily could ask her something like that in the middle of the BAU. Hey JJ nice top, did you finally leave Will? She couldn't be so up front, so she hinted, "How's Will with the long hours again?"
"Long story" JJ answered as Emily merely nodded, attempting to hide a small smile. However, despite her best attempts, JJ picked up on the look in her eyes, her heart breaking when she saw it, hope.
"I haven't seen Ashley."
JJ's breath lightly hitched at the question. Seaver…that was awkward, especially because she hated how Emily referred to her as 'Ashley' and not 'Seaver.' It was intimate and JJ always was the jealous type. But it wasn't like JJ had any room to talk in that area. "Oh, well, she transferred to Andi Swann's unit."
"Good for her" Emily said cheerfully before becoming more serious, "So, how, uh, angry is the team?"
"They're in shock" JJ carefully worded, not wanting to upset the other women. The truth was that she wasn't sure how the team would react. She had seen how hard Emily's 'death' had hit them all, and that would be a hard thing to recover from.
"Of course" Emily nodded as she scanned the hallway. "Thank you."
Emily wasn't sure what she was most thankful for, JJ helping protect her or saving her life; because they were two very different things. Emily hated sappy, but as corny as it sounded, the hope of her and JJ finally working things out was what kept her going. It was that and playing online scrabble with some girl named 'Cheeto breath' that kept her sane through all the lonely says and nights.
"It is really good to see you" was all JJ needed to reply. It was the truth. She needed to see Emily, to know she was okay. All JJ wanted in that moment was to tell Emily that she had done it. She wanted to say that she had ended things with Will, that she was ready for something real, and that there would be no more sneaking around, no more lying and maneuvering for just a few moments of time together. She wanted to tell Emily that they could be together. But that would be a lie.
Because she hadn't done it and they couldn't be together.
The rest of the case seemed like a blur until the team finally found Declan, and that's when JJ saw it in her eyes, the eyes that she had learned to read after all those years of intimacy. She could see the feeling of failure in Emily's eyes as the brunette soothingly stroked Declan's hair while his father died in front of him. Sure Ian Doyle deserved everything that was dealt to him, but no one should have to see their parents murdered in front of them. No one. And any part of JJ that didn't understand what or why Emily did what she did for Declan, did in that moment.
It wasn't until after Declan had been checked out at the hospital and passed off to Emily's friend, Tom, that the two women finally had a chance to talk. It was late, or rather early, and the moon aided in illuminating the hospital parking lot. One of JJ's shoes scraped against the gravel, prompting Emily to jump up to see who was approaching her, a wave of relief passing over her when she saw it was just JJ. Doyle was dead but it still didn't feel real yet. She still didn't feel safe, and she worried that she never would.
"Hey" JJ merely greeted as she walked up to Emily, who was leaning against her rental car in the parking lot.
"Hey."
"You heading home?"
"I don't know even know where to go" Emily admitted as she pinched the bridge of her nose and laughed in a dejected tone.
JJ inhaled sharply as she prepared to tell the brunette what she needed to. Contrary to what she had led her to believe in Paris and Maryland, Emily couldn't come home with her. "Emily…"
Emily briefly closed her eyes at the soft tone, "You didn't do it, did you?"
"I…" the blonde drifted off, again at a loss for words.
"It's okay" Emily sighed. "You don't owe me an explanation."
"I don't?"
"No" Emily merely stated as she avoided eye contract with her blonde counterpart.
JJ was surprised by the response. She had expected a fight. She had expected Emily to berate her for misleading her for all those months, for all those years, but it didn't even seem like she cared. "Are you, are you sure?"
"I guess" Emily began as she took a deep breath. "I don't want to know why you don't want to…I just don't want to know, okay?"
"I owe it to him."
"I know" The brunette nodded as she picked at her fingernails, speaking in a voice barely above a whisper, "I just really want to come home."
"I know" JJ agreed with a sad smile as she took one of Emily's hands into her own. "I can still be your friend."
Emily chuckled at the statement, "I don't know. It always starts with us being friends and morphs into something else entirely."
"I know that Em" JJ replied with a sigh, running her hand through her hair nervously. "I know that, but this time it has to be different. I can't keep doing this to him…"
"Him?" Emily responded in a snide tone with an eye roll, shaking her head in disbelief. "Fuck JJ, everything with you is always about how you hurt Will, but what about what you're doing to me? What about that?" The brunette accused bitterly. "I am so fucking sick of hearing about Will and…"
"And?" JJ asked with a glare, "And Henry right? You're tired of hearing about Henry, my son."
"That's not what I meant…"
JJ laughed at the defense, "And what exactly did you mean? You know I just do not get you Emily, you risk everything for Declan and you make me think, yeah maybe Emily is maternal, maybe she does have a heart, but then you follow it up with saying something like this. I have fucking whiplash from how all over the place you are about this subject, so let me ask you, is it kids you have a problem with or just my son?"
"Jayje" Emily began with a sigh as she reached out and gently grazed her hand against JJ's forearm, "You know I love Henry and you know that the problem has never been Henry, no matter how many times you try to say that it is. I didn't mean that I don't love Henry, I meant that I was tired of hearing you use him as an excuse. God Jayje I am so tired. I am so tired of this, we've been doing this for five years now and I can't do it anymore."
"I know."
"I feel like I'm Charlie Brown trying to kick that stupid football" Emily chuckled before clearing her throat as JJ couldn't help but smile at the analogy, despite how heartbreaking it was. "Every time I think it's going to be different. Every time I think you're going to change and you just don't. You just give me some half-assed excuse of why we won't work and I'm tired of hearing them…"
"And I'm tired of giving them" JJ interrupted, her voice cracking as tears began to cloud her vision. "I know that I can't keep doing this to us. I can't keep hurting everyone. I am so sick of hurting everyone and no matter what I do, it's all I do" JJ confessed as she finally allowed the tears to fall, Emily wanting to wipe them away but knowing it wasn't appropriate given the circumstances. "Will is a nice guy and it's not fair to him. It's not fair that I'm with him and in lov-invovled with someone else. And it's not fair to you either. We have to stop, but I need you in my life. It's so selfish and I hate myself for it, but I don't know how to function without you" JJ admitted as Emily nodded in agreement.
This wasn't the fresh start that Emily had envisioned when she got on the plane headed to Dulles. She was expecting a conversation, just not one like this one. But maybe being friends with JJ was better than nothing.
"This time it's going to be different. It has to be. This time we're just going to be friends. I know we can do this. We can control ourselves. We can be friends."
Emily bit her bottom lip, her voice full of skepticism, she always thought that the blonde was too idealistic, "You think so?"
JJ nodded as she wrapped her arms around her body, attempting to comfort herself, "I believe in us."
"But we suck" Emily quipped, making JJ laugh as she hastily wiped the tears from her sad blue eyes. "We can try though."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah" Emily firmly stated as the two women shared a smile.
If only it was that easy, but then again, hope can be a terrible thing.
Things may seem a little frigid now, but they will start to heat up very shortly, especially in the flashbacks which will go into how JJ/Emily first became involved with one another.
Now about those "scenes," are we comfortable with the idea or should we just allude to the deed? Let me know your thoughts in the reviews.